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#in turn. but thats the thing with my paranoia and delusions yknow i can be at least somewhat aware that im being irrational but in the end
ankhisms
·
2 years
Text
feeling the sad little pathetic creature emotions this evening suddenly. i dont really want to dwell in feeling bad but it is a familiar deep sad feeling u know. itll be ok i just have to let it out
#to the tune of ghengis khan dont wanna feel like nooo one believes in meeeeeeee im experiencing like. something thats
#akin to my very specific paranoia of being paranoid of everyone secretly hating me and talking badly about me or thinking im horrible
#secretly where its like my brain is telling me that no one believes in me including my friends and logically i know this isnt true. i have
#so many people in my life who i love and appreciate and who have supported me through hardships and who i want to support
#in turn. but thats the thing with my paranoia and delusions yknow i can be at least somewhat aware that im being irrational but in the end
#that doesnt make it go away. and my brain is just like. no one believes in you when it comes to the creative things you want to do
#like my art and acting and poetry. and then my brain tells me that the people around me just pity me and dont want to outright
#say that everything i make or try to create sucks because they feel bad for me. and again i KNOW this isnt true. and i
#feel bad and feel like im being unfair to my friends bc if this paranoia so i dony want to bring it up to anyone beyond venting like this
#and also i feel scared that somehow bringing this specific paranoia up would be like guilt tripping people into like being nice to me or
#somethimg my words are weird but my braim very much is like you are not allowed to ask for support or tell people about being insecure
#and i do think this overall has something to do with my deep issues of completely lacking any confidence in myself or my abilities
#which is due to a life time of abuse etc etc and its hard to build up any confidence in myself when i am still stuck in
#my toxic home with no real options to get out at this point for various reasons. but its like
#what if i just suck at the things i love to do? what if my art is just bad or mediocre even? what if im a bad actor or a bad poet? what id
#even though i feel a deep calling within my soul to create and do these things what if even though i only ever feel truly alive
#when i am acting or painting. what if none of it is any good. and no one wants to tell me that because they pity me
#again. on a certain level i know this is all just my paranoia and is unreasonable. but its a feeling thats really hard to shake off yknow
#anyway. thank u if you read this all i prommy ill be ok i just had to get it out 💖
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