#istg my last brain cell cut itself in half cause im so stupid | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

ashis2gay4u · 5 years

Text

Conversations with Friends

Me *talking to a friend*: do you,, do you ever sneeze so hard your tampon falls out

Me:

Me: cause I almost did exactly that

Friend: what the fuck

Friend: do you,, do you ever just-

Me: want to die? All the time.

Friend:

Me:

Friend: are you,, are you okay-

Me: you and I both know the answer is absolutely not, my guy

Me: I feel like a cloud

Friend: are you high?

Me: bitch I wish I was

Me: that dog is so cute

Friend: that dog looks like a rat

Me, already pulling out the antique dagger I bought earlier: t h e f u c k y o u j u s t s a y

Me: *is reading drarry smut*

Friend: hey! You're reading Harry Potter??

Me: uh-

Friend #2: nah, he's reading Drarry smut, aren't you, Ashton? :)

Me: h o w d a r e you call me out like that-

Friend: the fuck is drarry smut?

Me and Friend #2: o h n o

Me: hey, do you even lift bro?

Friend, who's carrying three big ass boxes of pop over one shoulder: uhm

Me:

Friend:

Me: I guess you do

Me: so, I did shrooms

Friend: Ashton w h y

Me: so I could be like Alice in Wonderland and talk to the guy with the hookah

Friend: and did you?

Me: I called my dad asking him to locate me on google maps because I forgot I had my phone in my hand

Friend: Ashton, w h y

Me: and then I stole a bag of M&M's from my grandma and told her that her hair looked like a poodle

Friend:

Me:

Friend: did you learn anything?

Me: yeah, don't do shrooms after drinking two cans of Monster, I thought my heartbeat was a pack of bongo's following me

Friend: size doesn't matter, personality does

Me: personality won't make me squirt, sorry

Me: dinosaurs are birds

Friend: how?

Me: science

Friend: *has a coughing fit*

Me: don't die

Me:

Me: it's really bad for ur health

Friend: Ashton p l e a s e-

*Friend and me, walking along a cliff*

Friend: wow it's so high up

Me: wait

Me: can I just

Me: y e e t myself into the whirlpool?

Friend: aSHTON NO-

Me: my guy, you look beautiful

Friend: thanks!!❤

Me: but never as beautiful as the almighty god, Jesus Christ

Friend: ...you don't believe in-

Me: do you realize we go to catholic school? I'm putting on a show so they don't sacrifice us

Friend: why do you do this

Me: so I watched this movie the other day

Friend: what was it about?

Me: it was about cannibals

Friend:

Me: honestly it looks so cool

Friend:

Me:

Me: let's try it

Friend: n o

Friend: I used to have a crush on you

Me: Aweeeee really?

Friend: *nods*

Me: good, everybody should like me at least once

Me: aaahhh, I'm too gay

Friend: you're dating a guy

Me: I'm genderfluid, and im currently male, so I'm gay.

Friend: but-

Me: istg if you throw semantics at me o n e m o r e t i m e-

Me: my body is yelling for children

Friend: er,, w h a t?

Me: I'm on my period

Me: please come over for cuddles and horror movies

Friend:

Me: and bring chocolate

Me: oh my g o d s

Friend: what?

Me: nothing, I just wanted your attention

Me: please love me

Me: people say I'm too mean

Friend: you're a sweetheart!!

Me, remembering the time I threw a knife at a guy because he scared me: ahaha yeah I guess so

Me: sorry about last night, I talk shit about myself when I'm depressed lmao

Friend: yeah I figured as much

Me: I mean, after all, I'm a g o d

Friend:

Me: the god of bad choices, pretty faces, human rights, and dumb shit such as seeing who can smoke the most pot without greening out

Friend: *sends a picture*

Me: *takes one look at it, screams and throws phone across my desk*

Me: that was horrifying

Me:

Me: better send it to everyone I know

Me *to friend*: thanks for the nightmare fuel

Friend: uhhh

Me: I'm sending this to everyone

Friend:

Me: including my parents

Friend: wait-

Me: i t i s d o n e

Me: Heyheyhey

Me: buddy old pal

Me: the bestest friend i have

Friend: what do you want now?

Me: can you like,, not assume I want somethin' for once?

Friend:

Me: what if I just wanna talk? Ever considered that?

Friend: what do you wanna talk about

Me: nothing I just wanted to know if I could have your xbox and ps3 when you die

Friend: why are you like this

Me *after reading that one stupid article*: so, if does Bruno Mars is gay-

Friend: w h a t t h e f u c k d o e s t h a t m e a n

Me:

Friend:

Me:

Me: so,, if does Bruno Mars is gay-

Friend: I have a question

Me: I mayhaps have an answer

Friend: are you a lesbian?

Me: if I was a lesbian I'd have such big dick energy everybody would fear me but unfortunately I'm pansexual

Friend:

Me:

Friend: so you like pans??

Me: yes, my guy, I like pans. I fuck pans on the daily, my mom locks them away so I can't stick them up my hoohah

Friend:

Me: ask me again and I'll murder you

Friend: so if you like girls and guys,, do you have threesomes?

Me: the day I have a threesome is the day the world ends because nobody fuckin' likes me

Friend:

Me:

Friend: Ashton, we talked about this-

Friend: eww people drink blood

Me: cannibals

Friend: no they call themselves vampires

Me: they're cannibals, Jared

Friend: lemurs are zebra monkeys

Me: the fuck you mean

Friend: and zebras are white horses painted to look trippy

Me: Jared,, we talked about your stupidity

Me: so my parents asked me how I was doing

Friend: and?

Me: and I tried to say "I'm fine" and "I feel dead" at the same time

Friend:

Me: I told them I was dead

Me: I legit said "I'm dead" and all Dad said was "well how can we afford a funeral without the baby bonus" and-

Friend: Ashton, what the fuck

Me, sobbing: I almost jumped off the balcony I was so mad

Me: I'm smad

Friend: the fuck is that

Me: have you ever seen that meme-

Me: I'm so fuckin' done with life

Me: how dare she look at me like that

Me: and then walk away like nothing happened

Me: rude ass bitch

Friend: wait who

Me: my d o g, she came over and glared at me when I called her name and then walked away

Friend:

Me: am I that unlikeable?? How could she do this!!

Friend: Ashton,, please

Me: you know what I love?

Friend: what?

Me: murder

Friend: w u t-

Me: murder. Murder, and tacos.

Friend: imagine a girlfriend who watches horror movies with you

Me: imagine having the ability to find a bisexual girl in this giant city who wants to be your girlfriend

Friend: are you okay?

Me *crying over my spilt ramen*: yeah, why??

#i make too many cannibal jokes ngl #my friends hate me istg #i have a problem #i have no filter #im actually never high during these convos #my friends #my frens #my humor #istg my last brain cell cut itself in half cause im so stupid #murder and tacos #imagine finding a girlfriend #so if does bruno mars is gay

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