#it just makes me feel like im constantly competing with smth else for other ppls attention all the time + constantly losing

[toastsnaffler]

sometimes I wish I was a more interesting + charismatic person just so I could keep conversations going bc I like sharing space with other ppl but they routinely lose all interest and leave once I run out of things to say/start talking abt things that don't concern them :-(

#and boy do I run out of things to say so fast when I'm talking to friends who ik dont give a fuck abt any of my interests... #theres only so much i can make small talk or ask them questions abt their own interests/lives yknow. man #it just makes me feel like im constantly competing with smth else for other ppls attention all the time + constantly losing #eg. when i say smth + my flatmate reaches for her headphones a little dark souls banner appears across my vision like INTERACTION FAILED #and i can feel my rsd + insecurities praying on it like the more i feel this way the more it prophetically fulfils itself #by making me less willing to try and take up space so i become a smaller and smaller person around others #it frustrates me a lot sometimes and i dont rly have the will rn to undo that and force myself to take up more space regardless #ik this sounds like a water is wet complaint like oh nooo woe is me people get bored of me when i talk abt boring things (!!) #but when im spending time w ppl i like i enjoy listening to them talk even if im not interested in the subject bc its Them talking #and if they care abt smth then its worth hearing abt!! to me anyway. but it rly feels like no one reciprocates that idk #oh well not that it matters. at least i like the shit im into so i can talk to myself abt it in my head or on this site lmao #and i like myself as a person even if other people dont so theres always that. ur no 1 should always be urself <3 #voicing this makes me feel so stupid + embarrassed urgh. i hate being anxious abt dumb shit i hate being the sort of person who worries #that their friends privately dislike/just tolerate them or whatever bc id never want a friend to worry abt whether i thought that abt them #and im not naturally a very insecure person!! i think im just feeling particularly vulnerable atm bc of the season + jobhunting so long #+ the fact im dissatisfied with my current social life + still feel very wobbly from not having other ppl i can trust or rely on etcetcetc #and thats just bleeding into other areas. and it sucks a lot. but theres nothing to be done abt it rn bc im not going to communicate it #to other ppl bc im not pathetic enough to make my anxieties someone elses problem + beg for pity attention im too proud for that 👍 #anyway. gonna play some noita + then i rly need to work out today bc thats probs part of why im feeling so shite #if ur reading this ignore me im just venting itll pass. i hope youre having a nice day :^) #.vent #.diaries

[skyeateyourdonuts]

hiii

i ranted about a thing and im reranting here bc there sucked

uh smth womanhood uh right yes okay i am particularly urked about this thing in adulthood and i think also womanhood that is the duplicity of trying to prove competence and trying to make up for lack of competence

for instance the areas these seem to happen are ones around ppl in my life who, while i feel wholly safe admitting my incompetence and confusion, also never expect me to know anything thus. i understand that it can be confusing to decipher then what would be my strengths but if u Know me and ive become comfortable enough to admit incompetence it is bc im trusting u not to steamroll me and to listen to me and understand that i am also a human who does know Some Fucking Things

the other instance, making up for lack of competence, is just trying to survive when i believe theres a lot sitting on my shoulders. i worry that the trust being placed on me has not taken into account that i will mess up or that i may know the exact same amount as them and still expected to do more than my abilities allow.

its hard to feel like ive earned this trust in my competence and ability when in that other instance its constantly being challenged. its hard to feel secure in my decisions in both instances and also to shift between them, as they often feel like two different worlds where the chance at being confronted for malfeasance seems ever present, like its an unknown sea creature hunting me down but only till im too exhausted to swim.

the connection i make to womanhood in this sense is that i see this reflection in other women. a huge aspect of feminism is believing that women are capable of making their own decisions and when women are robbed of that, its painful and ive seen it and experienced it. theres nothing wrong with asking why someone did something but taking the chance to make that decisions away or simply making it for them does not treat them as a person.

another connection that could be made is simply age and experience. older people or more experienced people i think tend to wanna show off what they know or what theyve learned by making these decisions for someone else, maybe showing them smth theyve never known, but isnt it better that they learn it themselves?? its different if its smth that person doesnt mind not making a decision about in comparison to things that may affect their life or expand their Own abilities. u could show off, yes, but isnt it better that they learn on their own?

at this point, i dont think im all that knowledgeable and i dont think im all that experienced. i think i wanna be good and i wanna be smart and try it all, but it is incredibly hard climbing theough the sludge of uncertainty that comes from these experiences. theyre not harrowing or traumatic, i think, but still uncomfortable and repeated times really do feel like sinking into quicksand. but i got it lmao i got a good role model im good i got this anyways bye :3

#im judt ranting dont pay too much attention #twt is dying id rather rant here #oh god im so sorry guys theyre no longer contained in tags #😭😭😭😭😭 #i promise ill spoiler line them #gata #hehe