#it rly is like.. a source of social interaction i do need rn bc i cut bad ppl out of my life

[kuladia-a]

this is really long and heavy um tw for a lot of things mainly mental illness and disability and related stuff and honestly its not necessary at all to read im just mostly saying it to make sense of things for my personal benefit

the important take away is that im going to be archiving this blog and i wanted to say thank you to everyone who’s written with me here even though i havent written or posted very much here ksdjlf

for months i have just been getting more and more frustrated with myself and my writing, it feels like the things i write don’t make sense and i’m always unsatisfied i can never manage to live up to my own expectations?? i used to write kinda good i think at least i wasnt always so unhappy with what i produced but every time i log on here and try to draft or respond to something it’s jsut so frustrating and embarrassing because it is so Bad

and tbh its been following a self dissatisfaction ive been having for months, in general i suck at articulating and talking and being clear. i dont really know how to start interactions on this blog or irl and i am so awkward and make a fool out of myself every time i try to reach out to people, and so much stuff has been going on in my personal life that has been really stressing me out and making everything worse

and it’s a bit dumb of me to unload here but i don’t have anyone really i think i can talk to about stuff like this and i wont be coming back on here so idk. fuck it i guess. it’s weird bc the rpc is where ive made a lot of friends despite how hard it is for me to make friends. and i’ve made a lot of good ones and i love them all so much and im super grateful for those moments where i feel successful like im actually doing things right and accepted and welcomed by other ppl. but i also have a lot of setbacks and rn ive just sort of hit that point where i dont think its even worth trying anymore.

i dont get anything i dont get starting conversations or continuing them or making friends or understanding when someone is your friend or just being polite or how much to say about something before it gets annoying nd its useless to think abt but i really hate being autistic i just wish that i was normal. ive tried a lot of stuff recently like dumb stuff like herbal supplements and shit just cuz i rly rly wanna change and i kinda was like let me at least exhaust all my options but . well like obviously those dont work and like. i guess it is what it is thats what this disorder does it ruins your ability to connect with other people. i cant really change my not understanding social cues or. all the annoying stuff i do and dont even realize til people point it out

talking to people and sharing things i think and things i’ve done and putting myself out there feels so paralyzing. and i have been trying to act like everything is fine bc i thought maybe if i did things would work themselves out and be fine but that isn’t happening. living itself just kinda feels like its crushing me at this point like it’s kind of a lot of constant pain and i just. need one less source of humiliation i think.

so like yeah long story short im not going to be on this blog anymore. i might log on every now and again jsut bc i like reading my mutuals writing i love all the stuff you come up with and to see it you are all incredible writers and storytellers. but im not posting or roleplaying anymore. if u have my discord we can still talk if u want but im not gonna be doing anything here

#negative tw #ooc