#it would be so easy to beat myself up because im not up to par

[androideql]

🪱 wurm

#every once in a while it kind of dawns on me that im not that good at the things i take pride in #and trying to stay proud becomes like running on shaky legs #in the sense that i will try because giving up would be admiting defeat #but all i can think about is stopping to get relief #it would be so easy to beat myself up because im not up to par #there's shame in movement and shame in wanting to admit to myself that maybe im not cut out for these things #but how could i dare think of stopping when everyone i look up to has gone through the same pain as me? #i dont want to think of myself as weak minded #so i keep at it #and i do my best to forget how easy it was not to be seen and compared #and i try to forget how much easier it was to see no one other than myself #because the smallness of that world was the biggest blow i ever dealt to myself and the biggest weakness i let grow #and maybe my biggest pride in the end is the care i put into not making the same mistakes again #so in the end it's a matter or remembering that im enduring a smaller pain to avoid a greater one #anyway im actually doing fine im just... #feeling a little introspective? #big scares tend to amplify that #i might delete this later after ive slept