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junker-town · 7 years

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‘The Bachelor’ episode 4 recap: The women shovel cow poop, Raven once beat up a doctor with a stiletto, Corinne is still a menace

They go to Nick’s hometown in Wisconsin and things get real.

Welcome to Week 3 of The Bachelor. We are recapping the show because The Bachelor is sports. Here is last week’s recap.

The Bachelor is technically a show about a man trying to find a woman. But you know what The Bachelor is really about? Women.

You know what else was recently about women? The women’s marches across the world that took place last weekend. You know who went? Nick Viall (is Nick Viall woke?)

Anything done peacefully in solidarity is something I can stand behind. Cheers to the women of the world! #equality #WomensMarch

— Nick Viall (@viallnicholas28) January 21, 2017

I went to a march, too, in D.C. (after I made Corinne’s nanny’s Cheese Pasta) with friends and friends of friends. The friends of friends were absolutely rad and are now my new best friends, so we are all watching The Bachelor together tonight.

First, though, we went out to dinner and drank several bottles of rosé, because that’s what you do before you watch The Bachelor, which I have renamed The Women’s March Part II. I lost track of time, which is how I found myself sprinting through a city at 7:58 p.m. one minute and 30 seconds after finishing a fairly large truffle-infused cheeseburger.

I’m a little worried I might throw up now, but I made it in time, so let’s do this.

(Side note: You guys should all totally watch the Facebook live show First Impressions tomorrow at noon where I recap The Women’s March Part II with Liz Plank of Vox and Rebecca Jennings of Racked. Here’s last week’s episode, in case you missed it.)

VANESSA DUNKING ON NICK, CONTINUED

The show opens with the second half of the conversation that Nick and Vanessa had at the end of last episode, where Vanessa was like “cut the crap, bad hombre, or I’m gonna go nasty woman on your ass.”

Nick — and I’m paraphrasing here — is essentially like, okay, yes, I get where you might be upset that I dry humped another woman in a bouncy house, but this show is hard.

Then Chris Harrison shows up for his requisite two minutes per episode. This dude must be the highest earner per-second of any white man in the nation, which is saying something. Also, he always looks like he’s wearing a shirt (usually gingham) that he ordered online and has just taken out of the packaging. I can almost smell the starch from here.

Chris Harrison tells the women there will be a rose ceremony, and I wonder if he has any other words in his vocabulary besides “ladies” and “rose” and “ceremony.”

CORINNE INTERVENTION, PART I

This part is kind of boring, but the women are basically like, “Hey, Corinne, you’re immature and privileged.” And she’s like, “I am in no way privileged,” and I’m like, “I don’t think Corinne knows what the word privileged means.”

She’s so drunk, always.

ROSE CEREMONY/BOUNCY HOUSE CONTROVERSY

The producers must’ve had a bet going to see how many times they could get the women to say the words “bouncy house,” because the contestants say it at least 30 times in five minutes. They’re very disappointed in the tomfoolery that went on in that inflatable castle and they all want Nick to send Corinne home.

But he doesn’t. He asks her to accept a rose with her privileged fingers, and she does.

Everyone's like, "OH NO HE DIDN'T!"

"It's seems like she's rubbing some of the girls the wrong way." - @chrisbharrison Maybe a bit...#TheBachelor http://pic.twitter.com/e4j2jD9cSW

— The Bachelor (@BachelorABC) January 24, 2017

And I’m like, “Of course he did!” Corinne makes for great TV and Nick wants to have sex with her. Why would he send her home? I don't even think the producers are making him hold onto her. He’s smart enough to know he needs drama for ratings because he’s been on this show 14,000 times before. Corinne is, if nothing else, drama (and also sex).

WE ALL HAVE TO GO TO MILWAUKEE NOW, UGH

Nick is from Wisglksdogiusdglwekhwhg, Wisconsin, which is a town near Milwaukee. So he’s like, “We’re going to Milwaukee!”

I wonder if ABC slashed the budget for this season, because Wisconsin isn’t the first place I’d think to take a group of women for sexy time. But Nick’s leaning into the whole “wholesome dude” thing, so I guess he wants to jump right in and take some women home to meet the folks. Again, not generally what I would do on a third date, but I’m also single, so maybe I should try it.

Speaking of burgers: They have these things in Milwaukee called butter burgers, where they put a huge piece of butter on the bun that melts all over the burger, and it’s incredible. I hope they eat those on the show.

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Nick and his parents have lunch together and cry a lot.

A pep talk from Mom and Dad is worth a million roses. #TheBachelor http://pic.twitter.com/RRceJVd0Kt

— The Bachelor (@BachelorABC) January 24, 2017

DANIELLE L.’S ONE-ON-ONE DATE AT A NEIGHBORHOOD BAKERY

Nick and nail salon mogul Danielle L. go on a date to Nick’s hometown bakery. My friend Callie is like, “Is Nick wearing a henley?” And I’m like, “Yeah, he always wears henleys.”

I find henleys to be among the least attractive shirt options for men. Nick is lucky that I’m not on his season or I’d be like, “Will I accept this rose? Only if you accept the fact that you need to stop wearing henleys for this to work.”

On the date, they’re frosting cookies, and Danielle L. tries to draw Nick on a cookie but he ends up looking like a squid instead. My new best friends and I all agree that the reason Nick didn’t try to draw Danielle L. is because he would’ve just drawn two boobs and the bottom of her chin and been like, “oops, ran out of room!”

Ah, num num num! #TheBachelor http://pic.twitter.com/sX3CXtVMhR

— The Bachelor (@BachelorABC) January 24, 2017

This room collectively goes, “Ewwww!” when Nick and Danielle lick the frosting off each other’s fingers.

Then Nick and Danielle L. run into this woman named Amber, one of Nick’s exes, whom the producers definitely didn’t plant in the window of that coffee shop at the exact right time. They all have some fake awkward conversation and we move on.

Danielle L. and Nick go on an evening date where Danielle L.’s boobs are the star of the show. Danielle L. tells Nick that her biggest flaw is that her parents are divorced. Which is ... not a personal flaw, but OK.

Then they go to a country concert featuring some lame-ass, bro-ass country band I’ve never heard of and that Danielle L. probably hasn’t ever heard of either but has to pretend to be excited about. They make out in front of a lot of people.

"She got a smile that makes your worst day feel like your birthday." @iamchrislane #TheBachelor http://pic.twitter.com/061HlPq9nq

— The Bachelor (@BachelorABC) January 24, 2017

My friends Callie and Louisa suggest we play a game called “Are They Settling?” in which we have to decide if the women would be settling if they ended up with Nick. Settling is a great way to up the odds that a guy won’t cheat on you. We think Danielle L. might be settling.

DATE CARD

Back at the house, the women find out that Raven got the second one-on-one date. A bunch of the women are holding hands and I’m like, “See? The Women’s March Part II is all about female friendship!” and my new best friends and I all clink our glasses of wine.

SHITTY GROUP DATE

This is literally a shitty date, because they’re shoveling piles of manure at a dairy farm. They’re also milking cows. This is Real America, folks.

All the women are wearing white pants even though they admit that the producers told them not to wear white pants. They’re also wearing blankets — maybe they’re actually scarves or sweaters, but they all look like they raided the home section of an Anthropologie, grabbed the nearest rug, and tossed a belt around it. Nick, to his credit, is not wearing a henley, but he is wearing an Aaron Rodgers/Big Lebowski sweater.

It's a little early for trick-or-treating, but Aaron Rodgers went as The Dude anyway after last night's game. http://pic.twitter.com/UhH2DVljzG

— SB Nation (@SBNation) October 21, 2016

“This is the worst date I’ve ever been on,” says Corinne. “I need sushi.”

Never thought I’d say this, but I agree with Corinne. We all decide that Corinne would not be settling if she ended up with Nick.

Corinne is SO in danger of being lassoed by an unimpressed cowgirl right now. #TheBachelor http://pic.twitter.com/7dduHYbfa2

— The Bachelor (@BachelorABC) January 24, 2017

SHITTY GROUP DATE, NIGHT

All the women are talking trash about Corinne. Vanessa gives Nick a scrapbook filled with pictures of herself looking super pretty, goofy, and relatable that “her students” (she’s a special needs teacher as well as the most beautiful woman in the world) made for him but that she definitely just made herself.

Kristina and Nick are vibing. He’s like, “I love watching you,” which is creepy. She just kind of looks at him and smiles, so she’s probably a Russian spy sent by Putin. Hello, CIA? You may want to keep an eye on this chick.

Sarah asks Corinne, “Do you think you’re ready to marry a 36 year-old-man? I don’t see you meeting his maturity level. I would love to hear from you if you think you are.”

Corinne, in a confessional to the camera, is like, “I’ll show you mature,” and grabs her boobs, and I’m like, “Doesn't scream maturity to grab your boobs and smush them together on national television but who am I to judge.”

And then Corinne delivers the best line of the night:

“I know you were really upset for me falling asleep that day. I didn’t mean to offend anyone by taking that nap.”

She then says that Michael Jordan and Abraham Lincoln took naps, and honestly I can’t prove her wrong.

Perhaps the greatest reaction GIF in Bachelor history. You're welcome! Thanks Vanessa! #TheBachelor http://pic.twitter.com/qVgIAdup3k

— The Bachelor (@BachelorABC) January 24, 2017

RAVEN’S ONE-ON-ONE DATE AT A YOUTH SOCCER GAME WHICH ISN’T WEIRD AT ALL

Raven and Nick go to Nick’s little sister Bella’s youth soccer game. Bella — who is now 11 years old, I’m guessing — has been on every season of The Bachelorette that Nick has been on, and I’m pretty sure that’s enough cause to call the social workers in Wisglksdogiusdglwekhwhg, Wiscosin.

Raven meets Nick’s parents. Nick’s mom looks like Kate Gosselin did a Snapchat face-swap with Robin Wright Penn. Things are a little awkward, but I don’t know how you could expect them not to be when you meet a guy’s parents on the first date you have alone with him surrounded by camera crews.

We really just spent most of the date eating orange slices #TheBachelor http://pic.twitter.com/aDbYrOma9U

— Nick Viall (@viallnicholas28) January 24, 2017

Much like the producer’s “how many times can they say bouncy house” game, they seem to be doing the same thing with “hometown,” because Nick says it every other word. It’s like Morse code: “Hey (hometown) Bella, (hometown) great (hometown) game (hometown)!”

Then they all go to an arcade and go rollerblading. Bella’s eaten a lot of candy so her tongue is totally blue.

Nick’s henley (but not the same one he wore on his Danielle L. date) is very unbuttoned and it looks like he’s oiled up his shaved chest. He and Raven make out at the roller rink.

So kiss me! Raven and Nick on a great skate date! #TheBachelor http://pic.twitter.com/l5sbQaJjJy

— The Bachelor (@BachelorABC) January 24, 2017

RAVEN’S BEST STORY EVER

The night part of Raven and Nick’s date is cool, because it’s in the Milwaukee Museum of Fine Art, which is a dope-looking building. Raven gets vulnerable and tells Nick about her ex-boyfriend cheating on her. She says that someone told her that her ex-boyfriend — who was a doctor — was sleeping with a nurse while he was dating Raven. So her mom was like, “Go to his house.”

Raven had a key, so she did. The bedroom door was locked, so she kicked it open. My friends and I stop talking because we can tell this is about to get good.

Raven says her boyfriend “was on top of [the nurse], full-on thrusting.” She also says, “I know what her vagina looks like,” and Nick tries to be cool, but his face is like, WHOA!

Then Raven says she beat her ex in the head with a stiletto and the room erupts. We’re all like, “HELL YEAH RAVEN! Way to beat up your cheatin' ex with a stiletto!”

Here is a live look at Raven from that night:

My friend Liz is like, “Most women dream of beating a man with a stiletto. Raven has has lived most women’s dreams.”

I couldn’t agree more, Liz. I ride for Raven. She and Nick rollerblade out of the museum like the end couplet of a beautiful sonnet.

TAYLOR AND CORINNE GO AT EACH OTHER

The end of the episode is basically just Taylor and Corinne passive-aggressive-ing each other, and I’m honestly pretty bored by all of it. Taylor, who is 23 and somehow has a masters from Johns Hopkins in psychology, is trying to mess with Corinne by throwing around words like “emotional intelligence.” Corinne is like, “I’m not an idiot, I run a multi-million dollar company.”

I don’t believe Corinne on either count, but I do think she’s wily, and I wouldn’t underestimate her.

A RANDOM ASSORTMENT OF THOUGHTS

We didn’t see enough of Danielle M., Vanessa, or Rachel, all of whom are still my front-runners (and all of whom would be settling).

Raven is now my front-runner for Most Badass.

Corinne's eyes remind me of Jack Nicholson's in The Shining.

My friend Louisa brought up a good point, which is that this show provides contestants with tons of free deli meat, which is her biggest expense.

Dates on The Women’s March Part II are funny, because you just talk about the past few minutes of the date, so you never talk about anything besides talking about what you talked about, so it becomes this endless loop of discussing feelings about nothing.

They made Wisglksdogiusdglwekhwhg, Wiscosin look exotic. Turns out all you have to do to spruce up a barn is put some floral arrangements on bales of hay and fill the place with candles. Seems like a fire hazard to me, but hey, I’m not a doctor.

Next week we have to deal with more Corinne-Taylor drama bullshit when they go on a double date with Nick from which only one can return.

Corinne will obviously return.

The saddest part of this show — and the most real — is when women get sent home in the rose ceremonies in the first four or five episodes. Because at that point, their sadness doesn’t really have to do with Nick; it has to do with the fact that they just want to be loved, and going on the show was a fun way not to have to be single in the real world for a little bit.

And all these women just want to be loved! I wish I could reach through my TV, take their hands, and say, “Just go to a women’s march. You’ll find so many new best friends that you won’t even think about professional Bachelor-goer-oners like Nick.”

At least it worked for me.

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