#it's really the hooah! that makes the whole post

[sagehaubitze]

Testosteronaversary - Year 5

More like messtosterone.

Part of me kind of wants this to be a lighthearted celebratory shitpost, but the other part of me kind of wants to vent, because this has been a hell of a journey, well before starting testosterone, and it will continue to be an insane trip for the rest of my life. Remember though, you never stop transitioning. Learn to enjoy the ride.

Testosterone can be hilarious, the self discovery is great:

My voice still cracks, usually at the most embarrassing times possible. Trying to be big and intimidating? Haha, nah, good luck with that.

Where did this hair come from? Why is it here, there?? I love my arm hair, kinda hate the ass hair though; you get to develop all new exciting grooming routines.

You best be prepared for the war on acne, you will not win those battles every day. It's a good thing I like all the scars I've accumulated on my body over the years, regardless of how I've gotten them. They're like little pock-marked carved up Great War battlefields, I love them; learn to love them, it's healthier that way.

Why boner? Why horny? Why now?? Still have no idea how to wrangle the teenage boy horny impulse control.

Big props to the realization that you can make your own masculinity, you can make it whatever you want it to be. Stick a biiiiiig needle in your leg full of T, hooah~ I'm so masc, look at me survive out in the woods and chop down trees and work on my gay little car and prance around in uniform, then make a cocktail, have a bubble bath, pet my also gay little rooster, and go to bed in a bunker made out of pillows and surplus wool blankets. Who cares! Roll with it, have fun, fuck anyone who tells you you're doing gender wrong (fuck gender).

On the other side, testosterone and transitioning in general has made my life.. a lot harder in some areas, a lot more complicated. I lost friends. My already complicated medical issues now have a whole other layer added to them. I am treated differently in places I used to be accepted. I do not feel safe in certain areas. People are sometimes hateful; I've been told I mutilated my body, I've been called some awful shit. Sometimes people fetishize you and that's not a great feeling either. And then, of course, I have gone through hell to socially and medically transition, and I still get called a girl some days. I'm nonbinary. That is not girl-lite. I have had top surgery, I am (obviously) taking testosterone to transition. I am transmasc. I am, in absolutely zero ways, a girl. If you want to get down into the gritty details, I really identify more as agender, lacking a gender, zero gender please, no thanks, I'm allergic. But that's outside the scope of this writing.

I digress; testosterone has helped save my life. It can be fun and goofy and "huehuehue boy juice" jokes, but it really seriously has beaten my major depressive disorder back to a manageable level, I have confidence in myself, I love my body, especially post-top surgery, for the first time in my life. I feel like me. Finally. After all this time. And it's hard, but I'm learning to love me. I really can't wait to see what realizations I'll have come to in another five years.

#text #happy pride I'm ultra gay and trans #seriously glad I get to celebrate this during pride every year #my ass hair sends its regards

[bigthoughtstinykeyboard]

Hello, all! Welcome to my blog. I have never done one of these before, I guess I never really found time to do so. I wanted a way to vent my thoughts and find people who relate to my life without feeling uncomfortable. So, a few clicks later and I ended up on Tumblr! I guess I can start by explaining myself a little since this is my first post. 

I have a twin brother named Andrew who is currently in Missouri for Basic Training for the United States Army. Hooah! I am SO proud already and it has only been about 3 weeks. He and I are very close so this has been and is beginning to get really difficult and odd to handle. He and I always talked. Every day. Not kidding! And now I am going to absolutely nothing accept memories and a few short letters I get in the mail sometimes. 

I work a part time job and have a wonderful boyfriend whom I will have happily been with for a year on Wednesday the 27th of June! I live in a somewhat smaller community in Southern Colorado and while many people I know despise this place, I don't personally mind it. For me, it is in the perfect spot. Not too close to the big cities of Colo. Springs and Denver, but also not longer than about a 2 hour drive. I love being able to see the mountains all around me and being able to get to them in a matter of minutes. If I could, I would spend all of my days venturing out into the wilderness and learning more about plants and the weather. I have always secretly been in love with the way Mother Nature works and how one second it could be 45 degrees and the next you’re wanting nothing more than a swimming suit and a pool. Yet again, that might just be the climate of my town as many say. Good old Pueblo! 

Lately, I’ve been trying to find new ways to keep myself occupied at nights when my boyfriend Jacob works graveyards. We always say we are a “buy-one-get-one-free” package. We are always together and honestly, I am not complaining about it. He is so wonderful to me! He treats me the way every girl wishes and deserves to be treated. He cares for me like you wouldn’t believe. He is definitely a rare breed. From the way he rubs my back when I am cramping and feeling sad or sick, to the way he holds me and dances with me and just purely loves me. I could go on and on..... but I know most people don’t want to hear it. Oh wait- isn’t the whole point I wanted to make a blog was to talk about what I am thinking about and vent? Find a new post if you don't like it, people! LOL

Anyways, I am about to start college in August at CSU-P and I will be majoring in Sociology with an emphasis in Criminology. School is my number one priority at this point, as it always has been as a child. I graduated high school with a 4.3 GPA on a 5-point scale and I have been awarded many scholarships. (not nearly  enough, though! College ain’t cheap, y’all!) I am pretty nervous honestly. There will be so many new people from tons of different age groups and there will be SO many really pretty girls that I could never even compare myself to, but that's any college I guess. I just want to find my path and make the big bucks one day. I am thinking about going for my Masters but I will have to see how I like the major first. I also kind of want to take an automotive class and cosmetology courses, but sadly, I don't have the time or funds to do everything at this point. Hopefully down the road. I want to expand my education badly! Someday....

I doubt anyone has even gotten this far on my post because really- who is up at 10:06pm thinking to themselves, “hey I want to read Emily’s post SO bad right now!” I can think of maybe 2 people LOL. Kudos (is that how you spell that?) to you if you did! Thank you! I hope you are learning more about me. I hope to utilize this blog to post about my life and my thoughts and anything and everything I find interesting or useful. (I consider food useful. It is! Don’t argue. You need it to survive.) 

As you can tell, my mind wanders and I sometimes get lost in my own little world, but that’s okay. Lately I feel as if I am not doing it enough. I am always going and doing something. It is good for me to write this all out. Welcome to my little world! I hope you find it worthy of returning to.