#it's so strangely uncomfortable yet sweet and i can't pinpoint why.

[ofyorkshire]

turning the bizarre image of angry, vengeful 1983!bj feeding what i am almost certain is a hallucination of his child self a wedge of orange around in my head today.

#it's so strangely uncomfortable yet sweet and i can't pinpoint why. #there's a coldness in that scene and idk if it's coming from how bj interacts with him (*making* him eat the orange) #or how he imagines a hollowness in little barry from the moment he sees him. or if it's bc before we can even assume barry isn't real #we know bj is there to visit his mum and he's getting angrier and more unstable the closer he gets to his old home. #it's like. even though i don't think bj would be violent toward a child... something puts me on edge. #it's like it feigns warmth (feeding him. offering him his band badge. trying to make a connection?) but there's just emptiness. it's cold. #(barry vanishes inexplicably when bj attacks his mum btw and his mum doesn't mention him *once* so it leads me to believe he wasn't real.) #(also the comment about ghosts seems two-fold: mrs. anderson thinking bj has been dead all this time and barry being a 'ghost' in bj's head #but like. idk. that scene is so weird. the way bj interacts with what must be himself. it teeters between trying to be kind and #seeming to almost dislike/hate what he sees. #film!bj is interesting to me at that stage but i want to pick book!bj's brain more. i don't understand him much at all. #again tho. none of this *really* has any bearing on my portrayal since i'm more film-based. but still. turning it around. #wondering if there's anything to pick from it. #wondering if... bj hates his child self? probably a bit. probably... could at least learn to be gentler with himself. #hm. #out of fairy tales [ooc]; #sorry putting on my clown nose again.