#its just bareable enough to not to go to the hospital but also painful enough that im about to break down into tears if i cant sleep soon | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

syddgardashian · 5 years

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the beginning

this really is not the beginning of my journey. but i am in a better place than i was in. so now i can tell my story. i am not fixed or perfectly fine. i am still a crumpled up mess just straighten out just a little bit. kinda like when you ball up a piece of paper and then try to stretch it back out. no matter how hard you try, you will never get it to its original form. that is me. i will never be how i used to be, but if i work on myself enough, maybe i can get pretty close. Depression runs in my family. so does bipolar. when i became a teenager i started to have these dark feelings and i never knew why. I was sad or angry all the time and it confused me because no matter how much i tried i couldnt change myself. not long after, my family found out that my sister was VERY depressed and was self harming. i have never seen anything more traumatic. she would hurt herself so that she would feel better for just a little bit. i always thought that was stupid because i could grasp how that would help. UNTIL i tried it. i dont really remember the first time doing it. all i know is i was about 14 years old and i finally understood why people did it. it’s such a sad situation that people put their selves through. we hurt our selves, THAT IS ALREADY HURTING. we put our selves though one pain so we dont have to feel the other one. its sad that we have to feel a physical pain so we dont have to feel a mental pain. ANYWAYS back to my story. years went by, my ass still depressed. nobody knew to be clear. like nobody had a damn clue. one i didnt want people to know, another reason because i didnt want to alex to know. i didnt want to make my problems her problems. i felt like she was struggling worse. so i made her problems my problems. we got really close at that moment in time. then i got into some trouble, that im not even going to talk about because it was fucking stupid and im glad it happened because i wouldnt have met some of people i know now if i didnt move schools. i had to move to cville school and i was mad as hell about at the moment. i hated all four years of high school but some people made it bareable. i met my first love in that highschool. fuck. i was so in love with him. and if things were different i bet we would still be together. i have so many memories with him. memories that top anything else that has happened in my life. i wasnt allowed to date him because he was mixed. i got introuble several times because i got caught talking to him, but nun crazy. ill make another post about him because i could talk about him for days. i also met a forever friend, jordan. she be pissing me off but she will always be my bitch. me and her got some CRAZY memories together. i wasnt allowed to leave my house while i was in highschool. i couldnt go ride around. i had to stay locked inside my house for most of my life. it destoryed me. being alone for such a long time was the worst thing. my depression got so bad. i cried myself to sleep just about every night. but when i was dating david i was NEVER sad. me and him were off and on, but when we were together i was at peace. i didnt ever get in another relationship for most of high school besides david. like i didnt get in anything serious, i just talked to another people but it didnt last long because i couldnt leave david alone. but the summer before my junior year i met this guy. he was PIECE OF FUCK IN MY TOLIET. his name was eian and he was so fucking cute and i loved his personality and how he acted towards me. he was so fun and he wasnt afraid to act crazy around me. we were backj and forth for about 5 months. he was talking to me and about 5 other girls. he didnt talk to us at the same time, he would just pick a girl to talk to for about two weeks and then he would move on to the next girl. fuck that dude. but as soon as he was out of the picture guess what my ass did, yep, went back to my david. we dated again until december, but because of some stuff that had happened in our past i just couldnt make myself be in love with him. and it sucked because he was so perfect. not very long after that i started talking to this boy. his name is brenton. and now, two years later, we are still dating. our relationship is a fucking mess but we are still together. the first and a half me and brenton dated was fucking amazing. but then things started changing and it just hasnt been the same. ill make a post later about him. Well this past november, we broke up. and i went down hill. not because we broke up, but because he was my only friend. he was the only one i hanged out with, talked to. he was the only one that knew i was struggling. well during this month me and him were broken up, i tried to reach out to him because i needed him. i really needed him. and he thought i was just trying to trick him into getting back with me. i have been suicidal for a while now but it was never anything to serious, nothing that i couldnt control. until we broke up. i was so alone. all the time. i had to friends. nobody needed me. nobody reached out to me. nobody noticed that i wasnt myself. maybe because i never told anybody or maybe because i always put on a good face. i was very depressed, my anixety was awful. i was at the lowest i had ever been. i thought about suicide A LOT. the first time i considered it, i wrote my mom, dad, and alex letters. i didnt want to leave them with questions and i didnt want them to blame themselves. my heart was so broken. i chickened out. i talked myself out of it because i didnt want to hurt them. the second time i thought about was on thanksgiving. i tried to get brenton to let me come stay with him because i didnt trust myself to be alone, but he said no. a fight broke out at my sisters so that kept me from doing it because i had to go to alex. she needed me. i couldnt leave her i the moment. the third time i thought about it was when my parents left to columbia. i knew it would be the perfect time because i knew that nobody would find me. I remember it was a friday and i tried to get brenton to come stay with me because i didnt want to stay by myself. one hayti is sketchy and two i didnt trust myself to be alone. but again, i talked myself out of it and went to my sisters work until late at night so that when i got home i would be super tired and i would go to bed. which i did. The next day at work was the worst day of my life. i wanted to be gone in everyway possible. i never felt that kind of pain in my life. it was pure torture. and then i seen on social media that my ex was hanging out with these two girls a lot. it made me sad because he was so happy with them and he was never like that with me. it made me feel like such a waste of space. i kept thinking of all my flaws and how nobody would ever love a piece of shit like me. im not fun. im fucking ugly. i do not matter to anybody. i had a plan all thought out in my head of what i was going to do. i didnt want to do it because of my family but i kept thinking about how all my pain would go away if i did it. or how nobody would have to worry about me getting in the way of anything. i felt like nothing anyways. the thought of suicide gave me such a peace of mind because i knew that soon i would feel relief. i know the bible says that if you kill yourself you will go to hell but personally i feel like i had a good relationship with god and if i would have done it, it would have been all in his plan. i stayed at work about 30 minutes extra because i had to do the money bags for my dad while he was away but i also sat there and tried to talk myself out of it. i knew it wasnt a good. but fuck, the way i was feeling was so unbearable. i finally got home and decided maybe i will feel better if i just take a long HOT shower. so i turn my shower on and walk into my room and grabbed a new box of nyquil out of my dresser. i just remember sitting there and just popping them out of the plastic and taking them like they were skittles or some shit. then i torn my letters out of the back journal. and i read them to myself and cried as hard as my body would allow me. i then got my journal and decided to write one more letter. to brenton. i didnt want him or anyone else to think it was because of him because it wasnt. i wanted him to know that even during my last few minutes of breathing, i still loved him. and how it was such a privilege to love him. i guess he was on my mind my so much that my high ass decides to call him. i remember wanting to hear his voice one more time. how i wanted to say goodbye. i didnt want him to say me or to tell anyone but of course he did. next thing i know payton, my sisters friend is in my bathroom and she trying to get me up and i remember her telling me that this wasnt an option. it was an option to me. then my sister comes up the stairs into my bathroom and she reads my letter that i wrote her. the sound in her voice when she said “oh my god sydney’ her voice cracked, and she busted into tears. she tried picking me up but i weight more than her and shes a little weak.next thing i remember was being a hospital room and my oldest sister tara came in there. and i remember her crying and she said a prayer for me. i dont remember what she said but i know god heard her. i know he wrapped his embrace around me that day, because if he didnt, i wouldnt be here right now. i wanted to die, but that wasnt apart of gods plan. it simply was not apart of my journey. nobody told my parents until they got home that night, my mom came to see me but she was sympathetic at all. screw her for that. alex stayed with me that night. and the nurse that i had was sooo nice. she was really easy to talk to. she made me feel a little less worthless. sometimes i see her around. one day she came into my work to use the bathroom. i also saw her at walmart one time. i wanted to walk up to her and hug the shit out of her. the next morning, i was allowed to go home. so my mom came and picked me up. i went upstairs and got in my shower and i cried and i cried and i cried. i didnt want to be here. i wanted to be dead. i was so mad. i texted brenton and told him he shouldve let me die. such a dick move but whatever. he called me crying and we talked about the situation. blah blah blah. i ended up falling asleep. not long after my dad walked into my room... he tapped me and i looked at him and he hugged me and said what is going on and i didnt say anything, i just hugged him just a little bit tighter. he then said, “ ill let you go back to sleep but if you ever feel like doing that again please come talk to me.” the way he said it broke my heart. because i knew that i had broken his. after that, i regretted doing it all together, i know it hurt hi the most, because he couldnt even come see me at the hospital. a few days later i did something that i did not want to do. i went to see a fucking psychiatrist. and i so glad i did.she was so small and cute. she was wearing glittery sneakers and had a purple shirt on that said peace with little rinestones on it and she had her brushy, curly hair in a messy ponytail. shes such a hippie. i love her. talking to her is so easy. the way she understands the human brain is crazy. she understands you better than you do understand yourself just by telling her your story. you tell her your feelings, your situation, your actions and damn she can figure that shit out. we came to the conclusion that i was depressed and had anxiety. she put me on salexa or however you spell it. i was on it for a bout a month, maybe longer. it helped with my constant feeling of drowning but i was so bitchy all the time and just agitated all the damn time. well then we figure out that my ass is bipolar. so i get on a new medicine. im still on it at this very moment. so far its working pretty good. my body shakes a lot at night and i dont know if it has to do with my medicine or just the fact that i dont eat very much. so far, this is my story. if you made it to the end, thank you.

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