#its so easy to exclude me. that's a pattern ive learned throughout school life.

[qumiiiquinnquin]

i wish i could socialize with others. but i cant. i feel like and consistently think that nobody wants me to talk and my silence is preferred , and because im so quiet all the time , its so easy to forget im there and completely forget my existence. but the minute i try to prove i exist its a problem. i just want to talk to others without thinking im hated. i just want to talk to others without silencing myself or always thinking i shouldn't have said anything. i cant even enjoy my times with friends because ill just leave or isolate. i got myself to stop talking too much to friends by constantly reminding myself that nobody cares and everything i say is unwanted and meaningless , and nobody likes people who make small talk or talk too much - two things i always do.

everytime i now think nobody wants to listen to me , amd lately its kept making me think about just cutting contact with everybody so they're happy and im no longer an annoying fuck in their lives. they have so many other wonderous people who are better than me. ive already come close to just disappearing without a trace (no activity anywhere) and not saying anything to any friends , completely cutting contact like I think they want. all I can think is everybody is lying to me and nobody really considers me a friend. one day ill meet one and theyll likely k!ll me so nobody has to deal with me anymore.

everyone says im a good friend. is it because i don't talk? im silent like they want , right? interacting with others is hard enough with social anxiety. and i already feel like i dont deserve friends because ive made a close friend cut contact with me and a couple others stop talking to me. years ago , when  i was 10 and 11. and its just been hard to keep friends since then. maybe ive never deserved them. i know i didnt deserve friends again after i made my closest friend cut contact with me when i was 11 because i cant handle my closest friends interacting with others and not me. i should've kept that oath i made to myself then and never made friends again. im just ruining myself.

i just want to go to bed. i think ill hardly be able to eat dinner. i dont feel hungry. just extremely depressed.

#vent #its so easy to exclude me. that's a pattern ive learned throughout school life. #i could be sitting with my friends and completely ignored. lucky if i was acknowledged at all. #it wouldn't start out that way but it'd evolve into that over a couple years. #why. Why am I still trying to make friends if I know im easy to forget and I hurt others? #my two closest friends dealt with my extreme outbursts of anger extreme depression and sewercidal thoughts and an attempt for over a year #they still for some reason refuse to leave me even though ive been emotionally abusive and they just accept all my apologies. I don't get i #those friendships should've ended a long ass time ago. the minute we became friends we should've parted. I do not fucking deserve friends. #no matter how much people care I can't keep going on like this