#its the constant weed smoking like theres not one second of the day they arent high

[newfeeling77]

i get so frustrated with ppl who wont just fucking help themselvessss. obviously theres a spectrum of pain and subsequent ability when it comes to mental illness but ive known so many people specifically gay people who let themselves live in squalor all while going to therapy taking medication and claiming to take care of themselves. thats the thing self care is NOT doing nothing, self care is actually doing the dishes sorry. its taking the trash out. calling the doctor and making an appointment. being an ADULT. i live with two people in their mid to late 20s who only do a chore once every few weeks and if i ever deign to bring it up i get either aggressive or apologetic responses about depression and struggle. as if im not constantly struggling. i force myself to do things bc they make me feel better… me and you are not all that different. ignoring your human life maintenance or outsourcing it to other ppl is the biggest form of self harm thats become normalized in certain communities

#btw if i go to your house n its a fucking mess it’s disrespectful sorry. to me #like again it’s so normalized in gay spaces from my experience. like oh don’t worry abt cleaning the bathroom its just friends from the bar #coming over. #like um no im sorry im not a fucking animallllll #sorry im angry abt chores today n that post set me off. #if everyone in my house did their fair share itd be incredible #its mostly my sister’s boyfriend but atp i cant tell if theyre really struggling or just stupid. its been 3 years living w them. #he straight up just throws his fast food trash on the floor all around him in his office doesnt give a fuck #i cant ask him to do anythinggggg he treats it like a personal attack #like if youre actually this incapable of taking care of yourself you need to go to the psych ward . #its the constant weed smoking like theres not one second of the day they arent high #and they dont shower enough either whole house stinks sometimes. id kill myself but good for them i guess

[malojey]

Day 41 - Final week

Ruth just drove home locked for the 2nd time this month. Counting down the seconds til I get the fuck out.

Heads everywhere, had a relatively good day but EC is living up to her rep, stupid cunt.

On a positive note, getting more alone time in blessington, giving me a chance to go over old music properly. Nothing will light that spark like a solid flow or rhyme scheme does. Searched youtube for 40 minutes the other day looking for an old beat. Wrote to it in 2017 just before I moved the first time and always thought of it as a better song of mine. Couldn't remember shit but the cadence of the first 2 and a half bars and the first two lines of it. Had no notes, nothing written down. But when I heard the beat I could rattle the song off in about 5 minutes word for word. I cant remember shit from the last 2 years, I smoked my brain to mush, but when I could go start to end without having to think it made me feel something I haven't felt in so long. I literally jumped with joy man. It brought back memories of writing it, sitting in the sitting room listening to 17, staying up all hours texting AWR playing football manager. I remember saying to her I think I'm going to hell cos I had amen at the end and even writing this out I've cracked a smile :') I hope to pick up my music when I get to kingswood.

First time in almost 20 years I'll have a room, first time in 2 I'll have a bed. Somewhere to finally call home. Somewhere to grow, to personalize, to think, to plan. I really cant wait.

Other thoughts;

Its constant now. I have to get shit off my chest to her but I'm not ready. If it's still eating me by april I'll take the plunge, realistically it cant make my life any worse, and I really hope it's the same for her.

I need to see Margaret and Ned more often I told them last time I wouldnt leave it so long but I'm just not pushing myself to go. It was a month since Seamus passed not so long ago, I really should be there for them.

When I get out of blessington I can not lose touch with DT. Theres few people in my life that I can say genuinely care, dont drop good people, I've learned that before, put it into practice.

20s creeping round the corner and that's scary but empowering in a sense. I've made it this far, I dont feel like I'm fully there mentally but I'm blaming the damn weed. I fucked up my life cos of it but staying focused is what's important now. As I stay off it, I'll get a chance for my brain to develop, I'm making healthier choices in food and drinks, have to go gym more but I'm getting healthier and stronger regardless. I am a more solid human being compared to last year or even half a year ago for that matter fuck me it's almost the 9th month of 2019 what the fucking fuck.

Would recommend black mirror to anybody that shits unreal.

Scheduled time to meet MMG tomorrow, like I said dont drop good people. She said when I move at least we'll be closer to eachother which I'm happy about, I have to make time for people, probably my biggest fault and what's holding me back.

One step forward, then pushed back 4, I said it yesterday too. But it's about trying to take the good and convert the bad into lessons or building blocks. I'll never forget in april 2018 CB was telling me about how she was homeless for a while, and when I said it must've been horrible she turned to me and said "Nah it builds character"🤣 I got to have that mindset.

Brockhampton arent one of my favourite groups, but I really admire them as an enterprise. They arent a rap group or a pop group they're literally a damn business. Theres like 22 of them, some rappers some singers, producers, graphic designers, marketers. As a collective they're so different in the music world. I like most songs I hear from them because every musician in the band really has they're own style and personality, but when it comes to songs very few lyrics or melodys from them actually stick in my head. Maybe I just haven't been focusing much on the songs as I would for artists I would consider my favourites but that's down to me. Seen on spotify they released an album called Ginger recently, I'll have a listen tomorrow.

Albums: Confessions of a Dangerous Mind by Logic, bits of Illmatic by Nas.

Movies: Nope

Podcasts: Nope.

Okay I think that's everything🤣🤣