#ive listened to cast recordings of the spongebob musical an absurd amount of times

[dirt-grub]

OH i hope my auditory issues don’t get in the way of my musical dreams

#ive listened to cast recordings of the spongebob musical an absurd amount of times #but like. i switched the headphones again and surprise!!! you werent hearing all of it!!!! arghgjldgjgjsd #i mean if Beethoven can do that shit deaf i'll be fine but u kno #i have a weird irrational feeling that i hear myself wrong somehow and im just factually wrong when i think i sound good #bc i was always TOLD i was okay just. not good enough. like okay if im good why did no one ever want me to sing? #lol idk im overthinking #prolly has something to do with my parents never showing up to my concerts as a kid #id scan the isles over and over and itd just break my heart every time #either that or them dropping me off and leaving EARLY and thinking i dont notice!!!!! #they did that once and then left me at the middle school for two hours bc my phone sim card broke or smth #so i couldnt text anyone that it was over and for them to come get me #yeah. yeah. that and the combination of perfectionist teachers always casting me to the wayside probably gave me Issues #like its probably just my school bc we have the biggest high school music program in the state #when it comes to public schools at least so like. the best music program in NEW YORK. yeah #like of course i never stood a chance against kids who had this planned out since they were born! #the girl who always beat me for solos had a fucking AGENT. A TALENT AGENT. AT TWELVE YEARS OLD! #like okay i get it that she's better but its fucking middle school you cant toss me one part? she's gonna be singing as a CAREER #she doesnt need the middle school solo to prove herself all it does is show everyone else how inferior they are :\ #or even a high school one. even tho high school was cutthroat as FUCK #my teacher thought she was simon fucking cowell or some shit she'd yell in your face #i went to try out for a solo once during lunch and i opened the door timidly like is this where the solos are? #and so she goes yes are you here to try out? and i stammered like uh maybe yes #and she was like if youre not serious GET OUT! and it made me run away crying #some ppl love crushing kids dreams huh #wow actually that seems to be a really reoccurring theme now that i think of it #i cried after nearly every audition for various reasons #ok ok ok shhh connor it good. #like. i have a mentality i hate that if you werent prepped from day one to be a star youll never do anything musically #and i dont believe in it at all especially with my art but like. for some reason its a surviving insecurity of mine #sorry for all the posts like this ive just been thinking about it constantly... i dont want to sound pretentious talking about it