#joce.vent

[jocelynships]

Anyways super fucked up that I’ve gotten more compliments and encouragement on my art from total strangers I talked to for 5 mins than I ever did from my family over 25 years (not counting my sister)

Just. I know I’m separating myself from them but god it fucking hurts I have to find comfort in fictional characters and embarrassing I turn into a sobbing mess in front of their VAs lmao

#like. the VAs have all been really sweet with me when I did cry #and told me to not apologize for it and that they’re glad to contribute to something that means so much to me #but I get embarrassed very easily!!!! #Joce.vent #and Judith Hoag did say ‘ya know what fuck your parents’ #bc she said they must be proud of me and I told her ‘No they’re not supportive and kind of awful people I don’t talk to them anymore’ #but it’s just kind of sad bc I really wish I did have supportive parents lmao

[jocelynships]

Anyways if I’m not talkative, please don’t think I’m mad at you. I just need to get everything packed and… gonna put this under a read more

I also need to fully process the fact I’ve lost my dad officially.

I’ve always looked up to him and admired him. He was my favorite person in the whole world growing up. The idea of him dying or getting taken from him scared me so bad.

I just never thought I’d lose him like this, where he turns into a completely different person, and for the worse. Is it horrible to say I wish I was just grieving his death instead. I feel like that would be easier.

It’s. Really hard. It’s really, really fucking hard. Because now I’m looking back and noticing he’s always been a shitty person. He was never fucking there for me like he should have been.

When I tried to tell him I was starting to feel so depressed to the point I was actively wanting to hurt myself, he said I was just faking it and only feeling that way bc my friends were depressed, so I didn’t tell him I was suicidal when I was dealing with that shit. Only my sister knows all this.

And it sucks that I have to rely on fictional characters to find fatherly comfort in.

I’ve been trying to prepare myself for this but now that it officially comes down to the fact I actually have to cut him off. I am not doing well at all.

I keep crying at work and I feel miserable, but I don’t want to go home and deal with my parents. I’m going to pack up most of my stuff tonight, probably won’t even sleep at all, but honestly. I’d rather sacrifice my sleep than deal with either him or my stepmom.

I really should have realized I was no longer cared about when they started going on family vacations and leaving me at home, but inviting my step siblings.

Well they don’t have to worry about me anymore. I’m removing myself from them. If my dad really cared about/loved me, he would have been there for me. He wouldn’t have left me alone with my abusive mother as often as he did, he would take my mental health concerns seriously, he would fucking include me in shit.

#Joce.vent #there’s a lot more I could say but I need to get back to work. #I’m probably gonna sit in my car for an hour so I can make sure everyone is asleep

[jocelynships]

Anyways if you’re upset at me because I don’t feel comfortable having adults sexualize the ninja turtles and Sonic characters (the ones that are minors) interact with me that’s a you problem?

I actively avoid these people. I block them and leave it at that. I don’t want to talk to or even look at these people’s content because it upsets me. And I don’t believe in harassment either. But these people keep following me and I’m sorry, I’m allowed to be upset about it! Because they aren’t respecting my fucking boundaries! I’m not going to attack any of these people, but it would be nice to be treated with respect?

And also I’m sorry, I got exposed to a lot of p*rn from those communities and it kind fucked me up a bit! People actively tried to force me to write x reader sm*t of the turtles knowing I was a minor, and I got death threats when I didn’t. So yes, I’m very uncomfortable with it. Yes they’re fictional characters, but they’re portrayed as children and it’s uncomfortable to me.

And if you’re gonna try and pick a fight with me or get snarky with me over it, just block me? Idk man. I’m not here for drama, leave me alone.

#Joce.vent #not looking to start anything and if you take it as such I’m blocking and reporting you for harassment

[jocelynships]

Tbh the downside of what’s going on with me (stress induced hive breakout) is that I’m literally laying around doing nothing except watching movies to distract from the itching bc if I try to draw or write my wrists start freaking out. And all I want. Is to work on comms. And maybe some x family art. This is STUPID.

#Joce.vent #not really a full on vent just airing my frustrations #I really hate this happened to me and I hope it clears up completely soon #it’s ALMOST gone thank fuck #but I need it to be completely gone bc tbh it is making me feel like shit :/ #anyways I’m so sorry to anyone who breaks out in hives regularly bc oh my god #this sucks ass

[jocelynships]

Well. Okay. Had my worst fears at work confirmed LMAO

#Joce.vent #so. I guess I don’t get along with my coworkers like I thought I did! #and all of them are annoyed with ‘how slowly’ I work

[jocelynships]

I don’t want to live in the real world. Respectfully. Fuck this shit. I’d much rather deal with super villains at this point.

#Joce.vent #kind of #I’m just over fucking everything #people suck society sucks I suck #I’m not good enough or feel good enough for anything #I’m fully expecting to get a rejection letter for this job #I can barely keep up with my current one #I just hope no one talks to me the rest of the night #they’re gonna find someone better and I’m going to be a cycle of hoping and wishing I could do something different #and whenever I try I get rejected

[jocelynships]

Lmao nothing like ending the night getting screamed at by football fans bc the department in charge of entertainment decided to shut the TVs off two minutes before the game ended, 45 mins after we closed.

Yeah. Thanks for having no compassion for the staff that has been here since 3 pm.

#Joce.vent #I’m okay dw my coworkers made sure I was okay #and I almost had a panic attack but I got away before I had one

[jocelynships]

“They’re your family you have to love them/forgive them!”

Well they shouldn’t have treated me like shit then. Don’t fucking excuse their abuse and neglect. Eat shit and fuck off.

#Joce.vent #and they’re never gonna change so no I won’t forgive them and I won’t have any regrets cutting them out #I have people who care about me and while they might not be my biological family that’s okay #and I got my siblings too #everyone else though can fuck off and never speak to me again #I’m worth so much more than what they say about me and deserve better than how they treat me #I can’t wait to move out and cut everyone off and change my last name #it’s going to be freeing #I am glad I have more people supporting my choices though #than saying that to me #it’s… nice.

[jocelynships]

Haha wow I was having such a good time then a wave of sadness came over me outta nowhere what the fuck

#idk can someone send me some reassurance #just feeling like a failure and and annoyance to everyone #I just wish I was fucking normal and not mentally ill #Joce.vent

[jocelynships]

Lmao I’m having a night and I’m over it all 🥲

#Joce.vent #mainly in the tags #I bumped into one the servers and caused her to drop all the drinks she was carrying and they went fucking everywhere #no one was hurt dw but the glasses all shattered and the floor got soaked with all sorts of beverages #and despite no one being upset at me #I still feel like a massive screw up and I’m crying in the restroom rn #I just want the next three hours to pass by as quickly as possible I don’t wanna be here anymore #the new year is off to a rocky start with my mental health and I’m just. over it #lmao my f/os would probably think I’m a dumbass who screws shit up all the time #sorry. just in a mood #idk if anything would help I’m just venting

[jocelynships]

“You need to get out of Florida!”

How? Fucking how??? Are you people telling me this going to pay for me and my boyfriend to move??? We don’t have the fucking money to do so!

Stop telling people who are LGBT+, not white, anyone being targeted by DeShitstain to “just move!” ITS NOT THAT FUCKING EASY!

Now I get it, I’m a white cis “straight passing” woman, but fuck dudes. I’m scared for my friend who aren’t. I have a lot of friends who are trans or nonbinary who are at risk because of that fucking fascist. It’s scary and I worry for them. And not to mention, I have PCOS so I’m scared to get pregnant in the future because I’m at such a high fucking risk for a miscarriage, and I’m as good as fucking dead if I do here. And I need birth control to regulate it and if they go after it, I’m also as good as dead with the fact I can straight up get ovarian or cervical cancer.

Actually fucking support the people being put at risk who live in Florida instead of just telling them to move. And for the love of god. If that piece of shit runs for President, fucking get out there and vote against him every single fucking way you know how. We can’t let him get that much power.

#Joce.vent #sorry I’m just. really fucking scared for all my friends right now #and hearing people say ‘oh just move’ is so fucking annoying #why should people have to fucking uproot their lives #something needs to be done against that monster #and actually fucking support people who are suffering because of him for the love of god #also don’t travel here #please just stay out of Florida #not only to hurt the tourist revenue but also to keep yourselves safe #i just. I fucking hate him #I hate him I hate him I hate him

[jocelynships]

God I’m so stressed and feel super sick to my stomach over everything. I really wish my car didn’t have to crap out on me rn. Like. The worst fucking time for it to happen LMAO.

#Joce.vent #like it’s right before Christmas and I’m getting over being sick #and I can’t afford to miss work #I’m stressed and worried and I can’t lose this job

[jocelynships]

Okay wow, didn’t expect me saying “I hate my hometown” bc of all the large crowds it gets and how there’s literally nothing but the beach, that. Really isn’t the best beach in the world but everyone treats it like it is, would get people so fucking worked up but here we are!

#Joce.vent #kind of??? #idk man like I get that it might be better than other places #but it really isn’t this amazing wonderful place everyone makes it out to be #goddamn I wasn’t expecting people to get heated like fucking leave me alone? #also y’all don’t have your abusive mother living there either! #so fuck off! #also people give me so much shit for the fact I moved away like. #sorry I hate the beach and sorry I don’t wanna be near my toxic family #and also. stop giving me shit for hating the beach????? #it’s. not that great #sand has bad texture and I hate it

[jocelynships]

Nothing like crying in the bathroom at work bc your stepmom decided to send you a nasty message and threatened to kick you out earlier than you planned.

But anyways. I’m moving my shit out Tuesday. Fuck my biological family. The only people I care about anymore is my sister, brother and niece. Everyone else? I don’t give a fuck. I want nothing to do with them.

Will also start taking commissions once I catch up on my current batch to put towards changing my last name officially. This family’s name is fucking poison and I want it gone from my name.

#Joce.vent

[jocelynships]

This is stupid to be upset over but man.

I wish I could handle horror and going to horror events like HHN because it kind of sucks when everyone around you can enjoy it and but you can’t bc it’ll spike your anxiety too much and you feel like a fucking loser compared to everyone around you and even though you aren’t being excluded you FEEL like you are!

It just sucks! I wanna be able to go to HHN but I know I’m gonna have a huge fucking meltdown if I do so I don’t and I feel like shit because everyone around me goes and I keep getting invited and have to explain I can’t and it’s kind of humiliating!!

I hate it. I wish I could do these things. But I fucking can’t.

At least I know my limits but god. It hurts seeing everyone else around me go and have fun and all I can do is watch from the sidelines.

And I worry people make fun of me behind my back for it too because I did in the past. I feel like I’m getting left behind. I feel like I’m not “fun”.

Anyways I wanna love the Halloween season but it’s starting to depress me because I can’t fucking do anything for it

And obviously this isn’t me saying “don’t talk about horror media or events or stuff around me” like talk about HHN all you want! Talk about horror media all you want! I have the proper tags blocked so I won’t see anything that will freak me out, and I want people to be able to enjoy it

I just wish I could to. I really want to be able to. The most I can handle is stuff like. The Lost Boys. Beetlejuice. Little Shop of Horrors. Haunted Mansion. And like the old Universal Monster movies from like. The 30s. So stuff that isn’t scary.

It just. Sucks. Idk if this makes sense. Sorry.

#Joce.vent

[jocelynships]

God now I’m like. Mentally exhausted from all this.

I’m scared I’m gonna wake up tomorrow morning and see the others have canceled.

#Joce.vent #I’ve met Rob before it’s okay #he comes around here a lot #I’ll be so happy to meet the other three just please let me meet them