#like damn i just wanted the girls to tell me im pretty i wasnt tryna get clowned by the homies

[faunandfloraas]

one of the most famous hyunjin moments for me was when he posted a selfie in the skz member chat not the fan chat and then was like How do I delete this?

#it was so funny #like damn i just wanted the girls to tell me im pretty i wasnt tryna get clowned by the homies

[saportuh]

ok panic concert highlights

(plus some personal adventures)

this was the portland show on the 12th k

so it was a fuckin hour and a half drive bc where i fuckin live now is far away from everything i hate it anyway that sucked & i ran my phone down to 80 percent during said drive which proved problematic

we get there (me & my lil sis) & our dad drops us off & we run up & im bitching about how weird the fucking venue is (it’s normal, it’s just not what i’m used to - in vegas the venues were typically in the casino/resorts so you lined up inside the halls & sat against the walls & tourist-watched, in this venue u stood outside in a line???? ughhh)

so we approach the line & something happens, i’m gonna make a separate post about it because holy shit

befriended two excitable gay kids, maybe 8th or 9th grade?? & i was like woah i was u once. now im old & jaded. eugh. then they bailed on me so.

we got into the arena & were on the wrong fucking side so we had to JOG all the way AROUND THE WHOLE FUCKINGN PLACE UGH

THEN WE GOT IN & SAT IN THE WRONG SEATS so the guy next to me (dad w a thick accent, maybe ukranian?? it wasn’t russian but it was close) politely informed me & i was like fuck well until they get here we’ll stay, but i had anxiety so during an arizona song i pretended to go to the bathroom & came back to look for our actual seat, someone took it so i pussied out & went back, had hella anxiety about it, then before hayley the ppl showed up so we had to move & i had to kick some preps out of their seat & they called my lil sister a bitch ;-;

OK SO ONTO THE PERFORMERS

arizona was cute, gotta check them out... singer kept getting emotional & wiping his eyes, it was sweet, and he was hella feeling himself dancing & stuff lmaoo. idk em but im proud of them.

HAYLEYYYYYYYYYYY her dancing & drumming & outfit??? also all the lesbians/wlw getting crunk in the crowd was so damn good haha

ALSO shout out to hayley’s band, they were so cute??? the guitarist & her kept having moments & he seemed like a cool dude, & the girl on synths was so pretty omg??? & smiley i loved her. & the drummer, they were goin so hard i couldnt get a good look, but they had kewl hair

“if you don’t know anything about me, there’s one thing you should know: I LOVE GIRLS” there was so much gay energy at that show i was teary the whole damn time

k confession, i love everything about hayley but i find her voice a little grating on the ears, something about it, but it was super angelic live & didn’t bug me once, & wanna be missed fucked me up cuz it’s my fucking f a v

SHE DID THE DRUMMY IT WAS HOT 

her oufit was so damn iconic rlly tho, the pants & shoes totes fit her but wouldn't look good on anyone else, but that shirt, the hot dad look w the open v & all the jewelry, holy fuck that’s how im tryna be

during girls like girls, everyone had their lights out & there was a bunch of pride flags out, and i got this gorgeous shot of a gay pride flag illuminated by lights (i posted it)

most of the songs they played between the breaks were gay themed too which was powerful dude i was so damn emotional

then during the countdown to panic, they played the next episode by dre (the “smoke weed every day” song) & then africa by toto jsfndjfndjskfnjdk

THEN PANIC CAME OUT 

WHOLE ASS STRING & BRASS SECTION BDEN RLLY WENT THERE WOAH

KENNY & NICOLE WERE SO CUTE THE WHOLE TIME THEY KEPT GOOFING AROUND ESPECIALLY KENNY IT WAS ADORABLE

THEN BREB POPPED OUT THE DAMN FLOOR

ok several things about breb

one, i never was heavy into panic, but considering how obsessive i was into bandom a few years back, i still know a lot about early panic, livejournal shit, ryden bullshit, etc, so it was really weird being there with normies who were just like “he’s hot & sings good” when i was like “yall lucky fucks never heard of myrtle beach ” dsjfnjsdnfds

two, four years into panic & i never was attracted to brendon, but dude, EVERYONE fell in love with him at this show, myself included, & i was starin at this bitch ass motherfucker in a trance before i was like “wait ur a bastard STOP U ENDEARING DICKWAD” he was so fucking endearing it was ANNOYING cuz i’ve seen some of the shit he’s pulled damnit. srsly tho, so absolutely charming, wow.

three, and what stuck with me most; brendon loves what he does. a little bit of exhibitionism, i think; he likes ppl looking at & admiring him, he’s that type of person, a showman, but also, i think he just loves making music, people singing along to the music, etc. ive been to eight concerts now, and i don’t think i’ve seen someone who clearly loved being on stage so much. a lot of ppl act like it’s a chore to tour, but brendon clearly loves it, and it made me happy, especially as an aspiring musician. 

four, the straighties drooling over him and the gays drooling over him was truly straight/gay solidarity

ok what else happened... brendon would throw in random ass high notes towards the ends of songs... my sister looked at me super alarmed when he first did it during dtmwagt lmfao... ppl would cheer & it was impressive, but kinda piercing & i was like “show off” lol

HE DID THE ‘I MAKE THESE HIGH HEELS WORK’ thing, i thought he retired tht?? so i was pleased lmfao

i dont rmr anything that stands out about ready to go or la devotee but the lights & backgrounds during them were very pretty & i got some good pics of brebbois face (i finally got semi decent quality pics im rlly happy abt tht, concerts r so hard to photograph)

hallelujah was cool cuz there were, like, those catholic(?) church windows projected on the top part of the stage, it was pretty af, they rlly outdid themselves with the visuals

and mona lisa had like pipes & industrial stuff?? idk it looked dope, and it contrasted rlly cool it was super pretty

nine in the afternoon,,,, the only pretty odd song... i dont even like pretty odd but it was like,,, damn. & he had the piano, total live in denver vibes ;-; but he wasnt dripping sweat this time lmao

golden days, brebweenie knows hes hot, kept winking & doing mic flips & shit & i was like u fucken weenie ive seen that pic of u w a bowl cut in a bra, die

k he’s a fuckin bastard but hhe’s pretty & talented fuckin big ego bitch ... can yall tell i hav a lovehate relationship w him bc i do

I GOT THIS ONE PART ON VIDEO DURING GOLDEN DAYS WHERE KENNY & NICOLE R FUCKING AROUND & MAKING FACES & GOOFING IT’S SO CUTE

during casual affair in the chorus, the mic would echo each word (just lay (lay) in the atmosphere (sphere) & the ‘lay’ was rlly good on my ears idk sometimes certain vocal notes sound GOOD & that was one i keep replaying it

SO VEGAS LIGHTS as yall kno i was born & raised in vegas & a vegasfucker69 it’s my fucking home i moved last november (not my choice) & miss it violently & i was CRYING during vegas lights hard & it was so beautiful im gonna watch the video i got over & over & over that song means so much to me IM SO FUCKING HOMESICK

speaking of which, im pretty bitter i didnt see panic in vegas, this was my first panic show & that kinda bothers me, like i should’ve seen them in vegas a few yrs ago but it never worked out.... still, im grateful i saw them at all & im glad i saw the song live. i had my fob snapback on too, it says ‘las vegas’ on it cuz i got it there haha, wore that on purpose

he did the fucking running man thing towards the end & everyone cheered & i was like dONT ENABLE HIM

sat down during dancing’s not a crime cuz im a bitch who doesn’t like half the new record & also my knees hurt cuz im old apparently, anyway this chick glared at me then sang every word wat a fuckin prep lmao

o yah i forgot, in golden days he got in the crowd & let a girl sing the last chorus it was amazing i bet that made her life

AND DURING DOAB HE WALKED THRU THE CROWD that was SO FUCKING ENDEARING i was like “wow what a guy” then i was like “HE’S A BITCH U KNOW HIM” & i was like “hmm??? what a guy” but omg he made so many people happy it was really beautiful & sweet & i was like... half in love & then i came to my senses jksjfhjsdhfkjsdn

RLLY THO HE WALKED THRU THE CROWD & HIGH FIVED PPL & SHIT & GAVE HUGS & TOOK ART/LETTERS IT WAS SO DAMN GOOD HE WAS SO SWEET & LEGIT EVERYONE WAS FALLING FOR HIM & I WAS LIKE SUFFERING

legit guys, like it’s weird i used to watch his parascopes in 2015 or w/e & he’d say some Bad shit on there sometimes, like ik he does some messy shit BUT HE ACTED SO FUCKING LOVELY BLEH

also he’s very short, like he’s 2 inches taller than me but he looked so little in the crowd i was like... aw

the piano thing ;-; it was rlly pretty but my paranoia & anxiety was off the charts i was like that things gonna fucking fall & crush the crowd it’s gonna fucking fALL but it didnt ofc but i was stressed bleghh

but ok on a positive note, that was soo fucken lovely, bden stopped to try to make eye contact with as many ppl in as many places of possible, like he made the effort to get to everyone & make them have a special moment & it was ... magical ok thts fucken cliche as shit but it rlly was

ok i did smth lowkey embarrassing, i doubt he saw, but when he faced towards us i was just overwhelmed w like.. gratitude?? ive had a bad 2 years in every way, so being somewhere filled with love & fun & kindness & joy & all around good vibes, i was so grateful? i just wanted to thank him for creating that kinda atmosphere. so i like,,, blew kisses but not in a weird way, like later i was like oh that was kinda weird whyd i do that, but at that moment i didnt use my head & it was jus my instinctual way of saying thank u idk it’s lame but it happened so there ya go idfk

fun fact, my vid of it is out of focus cuz i was so enamored watching him & watching the crowd react it was pretty fucking magical it rlly was

once he got down from that piano he went “wow i feel so fucking inspired now” & i was like “bitch me too tf” 

legit it was absolutely indescribable, even watching my vid now.... wow. and u can hear me lightly crying in the back of my video too lmao, and i was shaking p hard, it was so fucking magical. like im getting emotional rn cuz it was exactly what i needed to remind myself that there is good stuff in the world thats worth staying for. 

i never was super big on panic or breb like i said but if i ever meet him im gonna thank him bc that. wow. transformative.

also that transition from the piano cover he did to dying in la was smooth af. it was all around gorgeous.

OK GIRLS GIRLS BOYS, I WAS SO CONCERNED W FILMING I COULDNT PUT MY LIGHT ON (i had a red heart) BUT OMG

he got a bi flag first, then a rainbow one, then another rainbow one... one was those hayley ones lol, and one ended up on the stage out of his eyesight & he never saw it & i felt so bad fjdnfds

G-D ALL THE GAYS SINGING WAS SO EMOTIONAL & THE RAINBOW BEHIND THEM ON STAGE (AND PAN FLAG COLORS AT TIMES?!??!?!)) IT WAS FUCKING MAGICAL & BRENDON LET A FLAG DRIFT IN THE WIND FOR A SEC BEFORE HE PUT IT ON IT WAS GORGEOUS

AND ALL THE RAINBOW LIGHTS IN THE CROWD FUCK DUDE

breb might be a turd but he’s the only one of these emo dudes who parades around draped in flags & so aggressively empowers gay fans through it, and for that, i respect him. ik the song has more perverse origins but now it’s a bi anthem that rlly connects w lgbt fans & it’s rlly beautiful, AND i got another gorgeous shot of a pride flag surrounded by lights & im just. wow.

after, breb said “that is gorgeous btw” about the rainbow lights, and “thank u for participating in love” & giggled, i got this shot of the lights in the dark lookin incredible ;-;

also said “this a record number of flags tonight, very cool” so portland is rlly gay apparently, kewl

nicole doin the nicotine bass line slayed me dead wowie u can hear me go “WOO” on the vid lmfao (im a bassist so i lov her double)

ive seen miss jackson live twice now cuz at my monumentour show, new politics brought lolo out to cover it so that’s dope lmfao

anyway bden did the fuckin valley girl voice for “the scenery is so loud” which was delightful

he had us do the ‘ayyyy’ bit woo

NICOLES BASS,,, SPARKLY

drum thingy ;-; speaking of monumentour, andy & patrick famously did a drum off & i MISSED IT cuz the stage at my venue wasnt large enough to fit both sets ;-; so they didnt do it ;-; but bden doin his own drum solo kinda made up for it a little bit

fuckin show off tho he played like 3 instruments & i was like u bitch stop

there was some kinda audio sample that went “i got a fever & the only prescription is more caffeine(?)” & bden mouthed the words along, and some girl behind me went “SAME” 

UPDATE: googled it, i knew i recognized chris walken’s voice, he says cowbell not caffeine & it’s a skit from snl that i’ve SEEN im a disgrace anyway that was fun also woo cowbell

the big screen kept cutting from bden drumming to a shot of the crowd & someone holding a pride flag & i was like yah drumming is gay now

lmao i only filmed like a minute of a song unless i rlly liked it so i could spend the rest of the song gettin funky right?? & i like king of the clouds but not a ton, but i filmed the whole thing cuz the visuals were so pretty lmfaooo i jus was staring at them like wowwww prettyyyyy

during the ‘i dont feel anything at all’ he looked rlly sad & i couldnt tell if it was genuine or if he was goin for like a pouty look djfdsjfndjks then right after he winked so ig pouty thx breb

at some point he introduced nicole&kenny plus the strings & brass ppl as “his friends” it was sweet & he was like “these lovely ladies” about the strings & “these handsome men” about the brass & i was like WOO GAY RIGHTS

FIRE DURIN CRAZY EQUALS GENIUS. BOZ FLASHBACKS. FIRE ON MY FACE HUNDREDS OF FEET AWAY. FEAR. DONT LIKE FIRE. SPONTANEOUS COMBUSTION. KENNY WAS TOO CLOSE. FEAR.

a whole arena singing bohemian rhapsody 25+ years after freddie mercury’s death was Incredible, i dont believe in afterlives but if there is one i hope he was watching & enjoying & knowing his legacy was staying alive bc wow that was powerful

THE END WAS CRUNK AF HOLY SHIT BDEN GOT DOWN

i cant believe i remember the day emperors came out like,,,, jeez. so lit live tho

I HAVENT MENTIONED HIS SPARKLY SUIT YET. KING OF SPARKLY SUITS

BRENDON DOIN HIS HIGH NOTE BIT & THE STAGE LIGHTING UP FULLY ON FIRE FUCK DUDE

bitchden took his shirt off when he came out for the encore..... bitch

SINS,,, FUCK DUDE,,,, MY CHILDHOOD WAS CRYING HHYSTERICALLYYY, 

in the background of my vid u can hear me do the ‘ily’ ‘ily’ from the mv emo ass

my lil sis got fucken turnt to sins lmfaooo??? danced her ass off???

us: W H O R E bden: ily

VIOLINISTS GETTIN WILD TOO

they played footage of the music vid & breb & his fuckin iconic outfit & i was a lil emo kid again omg i cant believe i saw it live

he did funny voice durin calls for a toast nerd ... least he’s not entirely bitter abt songs ryan wrote anymore tho lmao... or maybe he is considering theres only two on the 30 song setlist ;-;

i gotta listen to afycso again damn it’s so iconic

oh yah at some bit he said “ive been doing this for 14 years, im 31 now” & it reminded me like.. most of these emo bands, they started so young. & got successful at such a young age. it’s so crazy. idk. wow. 

he got growly during the chorus, that’s pstump’s thing beeb dont steal it lmao

CONFETTI fitting ending, & i got him walking off which is cool, other bands it goes dark & they just kinda disappear & it’s unsatisfying ;-;

so yah i finally saw breadman live, i got 400 pics and 30 videos so that all got spam posted over the last few days lmao

#finally posting it lmao #81218 #long post -

[dopeloverx]

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DopeLoverx: WHATS GOOD MF DanielTheKing  whispers: a quiet place is a good thriller KGTF: Happy New Years KGTF: Lmaoo KGTF: And Shii CHiLlin DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: i saw it it was kinda like bird box hella random DopeLoverx: how was it it bringing in 2019 KGTF has left the chat DanielTheKing: damn he left quick DanielTheKing  whispers: u saw searching? DopeLoverx: lol DopeLoverx: i tild u i was boring DopeLoverx: z DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: loll yep seen that 1 too   DanielTheKing  whispers: damn you seen it all DanielTheKing  whispers: movie buff ass DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: i love watching good movies i use to live at teh theater   DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: i use to wanna be a actress DanielTheKing  whispers: u saw the commuter? DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: nahhh lol DanielTheKing  whispers: damn it'd be cool hanging wit u i love watching movies together DanielTheKing  whispers: its pretty good DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: i dont think i have DanielTheKing  whispers: and i love thrillers DanielTheKing  whispers: and romance haha and action DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: aww DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: im sure ur a romantic   DanielTheKing  whispers: only for the right woman DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: ") i wou;dnt expect otehrwise DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: loll DanielTheKing  whispers: what time is work DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: 3p i close DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: im fucking pissed too DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: but its whatever DanielTheKing  whispers: u got time DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: oh yeahh DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: did u make breakfast DanielTheKing  whispers: i been in here the whole time DanielTheKing  whispers: loll DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: loll DanielTheKing  whispers: ima make it later in tha day DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: what was he talking about getting u in trouble DanielTheKing  whispers: oh cause i got a bestie thats a female DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: hmmm DanielTheKing: yaasss its warm now DopeLoverx: lol me and blankie making sweet warmth right now DanielTheKing: haha thats wassup DanielTheKing  whispers: why you say hmmm? DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: i dont wanna get u in trouble   DanielTheKing  whispers: loll ima not stop having friends cause my gf DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: tho me and toast got something i still move like im single lol DanielTheKing  whispers: people like me and i can help ppl by being me so i cant stop DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: um lol   Guest_pabloperp has joined the chat DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: thats no how that shit works DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: loll DanielTheKing  whispers: what u mean DopeLoverx: people are so weird DopeLoverx: :x DanielTheKing: jump out a plane #2019 DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: you respect her wishes no friends mean no friends lmfao Guest_pabloperp has left the chat DanielTheKing  whispers: Nah b thats not me if i can help someone ima do it DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: loll   DanielTheKing  whispers: i give a part of myself to my gf no1 else gets that should be enuff DanielTheKing  whispers: you can't hog some1 for yourself ppl aren't made like that DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: thninks about my clingy nature   DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: >> um yeah right   DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: loll DanielTheKing  whispers: ima be a psychologist DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: thats a pefect idea i wanted to be a thearpist   DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: bro swear we friends af DanielTheKing  whispers: ppl seem to love getting advice from me lol DanielTheKing  whispers: so we aint go sumn special goin on? DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: cause u talk to people in a way they understand DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: wait huh DanielTheKing  whispers: people are simple to me DanielTheKing  whispers: im just messin wit u DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: loll DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: you a scorpio tho DanielTheKing  whispers: we vibe really well i love your energy and honesty even tho u try to hide it sometimes DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: hide my energy? DanielTheKing  whispers: nah your feelings DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: rolls eyes DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: what feelings lol DanielTheKing  whispers: like if you feeling a way about something you tend to tuck it away at times DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: no comment   DanielTheKing  whispers: z DanielTheKing  whispers: its cool...i know most guys are terrible listeners DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: loll DanielTheKing  whispers: why you feel like im a good fit as ya bestie DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: cause u fun to talk to u keep the convo going you always roll with the vibe i throw   DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: imvu dont do that shit nomore DanielTheKing  whispers: gotta make tha most of the time u have DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: on earth? DanielTheKing  whispers: plus your vibe is fun lol you always on sum crazy DanielTheKing  whispers: nah with the ppl you come in contact with DanielTheKing  whispers: anything can happen a person mite have to leave imvu for some months DanielTheKing  whispers: then that energy aint there no more Guest_pabloperp has joined the chat Guest_Kingjay23136 has joined the chat Guest_Kingjay23136 has left the chat Guest_pabloperp has left the chat ThatsTy has left the chat DanielTheKing  whispers: that was random af DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: nah its a convo never feel like that DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: with me   DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: cause i try key word TRY not to hold back with you   DanielTheKing  whispers: im not expecting you to lay it all on me cause u still gettn to know me DanielTheKing  whispers: i just know that as people we go thru so much DanielTheKing  whispers: and alot of times we dont have ppl to just express ourselves to or with DanielTheKing  whispers: so we carry alot of pain with us and its rough DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: your gonna make me cry that shit is so real   DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: the people im around i dont expess myself too DanielTheKing  whispers: like you could be a kid who went thru abuse but couldn't say nun or cps would come take u DanielTheKing  whispers: that shit don't go away DanielTheKing  whispers: or if ya parents was on drugs or u saw someone u was close to commit suicide DanielTheKing  whispers: its alot of shit DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: that happen to you DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: << DanielTheKing  whispers: so i just say ppl need to just be them cause its not guide book to this life shit DanielTheKing  whispers: shit alot happen to me lol DanielTheKing  whispers: but parental abuse was something yes DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: mom or dad DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: << DanielTheKing  whispers: dad DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: alcohol? DanielTheKing  whispers: nah just cause he could DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: beat u woop you verbal? DanielTheKing  whispers: beat down with items, fist, verbal all that DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: im so sorry DanielTheKing  whispers: i wasn't even mad bout that abuse cause shit happens DanielTheKing  whispers: i was more mad at the adults around who knew and aint do shit DanielTheKing  whispers: they just let it happen DanielTheKing  whispers: that was my proof to know adults are fucked up DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: not even adults just some peopl DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: people DanielTheKing  whispers: that shit drove me insane tho DanielTheKing  whispers: couldn't trust nobody forever DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: smh DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: since then ... DanielTheKing  whispers: that shit warped my personality for many yrs lol DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: how   DanielTheKing  whispers: like i didn't wanna be a victim DanielTheKing  whispers: but i couldn't be me without existing with that pain DanielTheKing  whispers: so i kinda acted like someone else for a time being DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: what was your safe place like someone else who? DanielTheKing  whispers: like i just was trying to hang with otha ppl who were prob bad for me DanielTheKing  whispers: just to avoid living with reality DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: do u ever feel like it happen for a reason   DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: it being 2019 DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: like have you grown into a better you DanielTheKing: hell nah i wouldn't wish that on anyone DanielTheKing  whispers: but um DanielTheKing  whispers: i've grown alot since then DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: loll DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: got caught slippin DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: lmfaoo DanielTheKing  whispers: the only thing that came out of it was me being able to know how much pain the world is in DanielTheKing  whispers: and how easy it is to hide it cause i hid it very well and i still hide it at times DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: .... DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: << DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: the realest shit i was told as a child when i tried to express my feelings like the REAL shit   DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: "sounds like a personal problem" and "Noone cares" DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: but i dont feel that way   DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: i care about people DanielTheKing: your fam tell u they love u DanielTheKing  whispers: z DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: lmfao   DanielTheKing  whispers: this damn thing keep fuckn up DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: there u go   DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: z DanielTheKing  whispers: but my parents never told me that DanielTheKing  whispers: nore any of my fam DanielTheKing: i grew up fast af DanielTheKing  whispers: z DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: my dad died protecting me   DanielTheKing  whispers: this mf cursor boy DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: my mom had been thru some shit b4 that DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: when i was in HS she told me everyday just dont come home pregnant   DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: i dont even be out like that lol DanielTheKing  whispers: man shit DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: she got preg young with my sister and got married young and then the crack era hit   DanielTheKing  whispers: i never had one sex talk with my parent DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: and their dad my sister and brother   DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: their dad was hooked on drugs DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: and my mom was taking care of them   DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: holding shit down DanielTheKing  whispers: i fell into porn at 10 and foul language DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: until my moms mom died then she had to take in her lil sister   DanielTheKing  whispers: ever since then i felt like an adult lol DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: and her husband the fatehr of her two childer hooked on drugs raped my moms little sister DanielTheKing  whispers: z DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: and that shit fucked her up DanielTheKing  whispers: wtf DanielTheKing  whispers: you can unsee shit ya know DanielTheKing  whispers: can't DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: then fast forward 4 years later she meets my pops DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: whos a family man supporter all that   DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: never married has me lol   DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: and not even a year after that hes gone   DanielTheKing  whispers: shit cray DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: so my mom gonna became   DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: different ig   DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: always over protective controling   DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: grumpy   DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: i hate to say it lol DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: she didnt like hugging us DanielTheKing  whispers: being a parent is hard af and scary DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: or kissing us DanielTheKing  whispers: my parents never hugged till i was grown DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: ikr DanielTheKing  whispers: well my mom at least DanielTheKing  whispers: my dad shit DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: lol shit cray DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: my moms been in and out the hospital   DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: she let me kiss her and tell her i love her i had to leav her there 1 night DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: after going thru this break up   DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: like god knew i needed someone   DanielTheKing  whispers: the world is fucked up man DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: like walking around straght face any dude looking at me getting mugged DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: lol but inside lol DanielTheKing  whispers: and ppl try to act like we all doing well like everything all good DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: i just wanted a genuine hug DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: someone i felt like i could trust to tell me they love me   DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: all i got is my mama   DanielTheKing  whispers: ikr DanielTheKing  whispers: the i love you words genuinely with a hug touches your soul DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: my brother and sister different dad they blamed my mother for their fater raping our aunt DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: and they didnt like me cause i was born outside   DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: so just imagine thru the years   DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: lol the saltynesss and shade DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: lol the fakeness DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: lol it was sad   DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: we just started getting along again but tbh i still dont trust them sometimes   DanielTheKing  whispers: i bet it was DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: i dont trust their intentions   DanielTheKing  whispers: i wouldn't honestly some shit just dont go away DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: i make more money than they ever and my dad before he died set me and my other brother up really well with money   DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: so they use me sometimes DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: but because my heart is so giving   DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: it hurts hwne i need them in return and they cant deliver i dont want the money i just want my sister ya know DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: i dont want shit you have lol DanielTheKing  whispers: like one reason i wouldn't wish this on anyone cause i was paranoid one time DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: just show me you care about me like yall care about each other   DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: a little of what i been thru as far as family lol DanielTheKing  whispers: the word family don't mean nun to me DanielTheKing  whispers: i've seen fam do some dispicable things to each other and its sad DanielTheKing  whispers: yall blood   DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: thats why i adored my ex he was family oriented   Guest_Basseses has joined the chat DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: always with his family or doing something for his family DanielTheKing  whispers: i do alot for my fam tho DanielTheKing  whispers: thats why my last 5 yrs been hellacious to some degree DanielTheKing  whispers: somebody always need sum and i dont ask for nun in return DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: bro ya boy broke my heart lmfao   DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: im still kinda shell shocked DanielTheKing  whispers: my boy? DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: ya boy meaning the dude DanielTheKing  whispers: oh DanielTheKing: since we scorpios lol DanielTheKing  whispers: z DanielTheKing  whispers: oh my goddddddd DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: lmfao DanielTheKing  whispers: this cursor is annoying DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: rofl DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: but yeah and then when i see him   DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: all i get is Im sorry   DanielTheKing  whispers: im sorry cause i miss that good pussy DanielTheKing  whispers: z DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: 6 mos i went over that shit like where is baby somethings wrong why cant i get in touch   Guest_Basseses has left the chat DanielTheKing  whispers: they right tho DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: then wehn i did talk to him   DanielTheKing  whispers: times does heal most things DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: he was like we gonna be together again and i love you this and that   DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: and i saw the bitch DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: he was with on thanks giving DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: lol DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: i asked him before that   DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: a few days before cause it was his birthday DanielTheKing  whispers: was his new chick looking like nahhhhhhh? DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: i wished him a hbd   DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: i asked him if he had a girl or was talking to anyone DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: he straight up lied to me bro DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: and said NO   DanielTheKing  whispers: z DanielTheKing  whispers: wtf DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: im thinking we gonna be together again and then i saw the bitch   DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: he sending me pics of us   DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: frm the summer before   DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: and shit DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: AND YOU GOT A WHOLE BITCH! DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: he dosnt know i know but after i saw that shit i stopped talking to him DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: i dont ever wanna feel like that again left in the dark DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: like i trusted u   DanielTheKing  whispers: damn love DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: if u need sum and i got it u got it   DanielTheKing  whispers: that relationship really fucked wit u DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: i question my sanity still DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: like was i crazy for believeing it was real DanielTheKing  whispers: nah   DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: like what did i do wrong for him to do that to me DanielTheKing  whispers: you wanted it be real cause you were giving it your all DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: he had me thinking it was forever shit lol DanielTheKing  whispers: it wasnt u it was him DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: i feel so stupid   DanielTheKing  whispers: u gave ya energy to tha wrong nigga DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: i never saw this guy coming   DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: i use to tell him you never know someone until at least 2 -3 years   DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: in a relationship DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: 4 years lateer   DanielTheKing  whispers: relationships are for adults tho DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: this shit happens   DanielTheKing  whispers: its hard af if u still learning yourself DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: yeah we were young   DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: jhene aiko was our summer song lol DanielTheKing  whispers: like if iwas in a relationship when i was younger DanielTheKing  whispers: i would've been a savage i swear DanielTheKing  whispers: i didn't give no fucks 6horty has joined the chat DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: see that relationship turned me into a savage loll DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: i was talking to mad dude   DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: not to sound like a hoe DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: i was faithful for 4 years even after he ghosted me   DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: i had a 1 night stand   DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: started fucking this dude i met over th esummer lol   DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: it was crazy DanielTheKing  whispers: im still a savage tho DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: ive calm down since then   DanielTheKing  whispers: i just don't act on it DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: u? DanielTheKing  whispers: yah DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: really? lol DanielTheKing  whispers: i can't make a woman fall in love with me and drop her like a brick cause idc DanielTheKing  whispers: z DanielTheKing  whispers: but i wouldn't do that DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: lol i still dont get it   DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: and then feed me bullshit   DanielTheKing: i can't i would feel guilty now DanielTheKing: but catch me some yrs ago DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: smh lol ive never been dirty like that DanielTheKing  whispers: i would sell u a dream like a mf DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: but its fuck him now DanielTheKing  whispers: and have u thinkn all kinda shi DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: where ever he is now i hope he realizes he broke someones heart who rode for them   DanielTheKing  whispers: i like a woman with a nice body DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: we use to have this thing where we would fall out and be liek nahh we together till the lord says otehrwise DanielTheKing  whispers: so she can be my snack lol DanielTheKing  whispers: z DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: lol and the lord sid otehrwise DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: llol DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: u a scorpio i know u a freak DanielTheKing  whispers: shit a extra freak DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: lol i know DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: well DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: i dont know know but im sure   DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: lol youd def keeo me wet DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: but DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: on that note DopeLoverx   yawns   DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: its about time for me to goto bedddddd DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: << DanielTheKing  whispers: lol DanielTheKing  whispers: id be askn can i hit it in tha mornin too DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: lol be good DanielTheKing  whispers: i needa hit tha gym soon DanielTheKing  whispers: this 6'4ness i going to waste =(( DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: loll DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: well babe DopeLoverx   hugs u   DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: im headed out   DanielTheKing   hugs u back   DanielTheKing  whispers: sweet dreams strawberry DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: you have a wonderful night as always a pleasure DanielTheKing  whispers: big factz!! DanielTheKing  whispers: nite DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=es3Fm7dLm2o DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: tell me youll listen to it DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: and tell me what u think 6horty has left the chat DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: this is my sleep mood rihgt now DanielTheKing  whispers: i got u ima leave a message for u DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: mk hhun   DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: good night   DanielTheKing  whispers: b4 u go DanielTheKing: z DanielTheKing  whispers: u know what's tha best DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: << DopeLoverx  > DanielTheKing: ?? DanielTheKing  whispers: when someone u really vibe with tell u why you mean something to them DanielTheKing  whispers: to hear that is priceless it feels like time stopped for a sec

[mr-mystery-guy-blog]

Pretty much at the edge amd my choices that have put me there amd how i can get back up

Well hello first i will start it off with a good happy birthday from one of my Greatest freinds of all time Adam and i hope you have many more good ones throughout life. Now here is my life today at 1:00 am i still dont feel good about myself amd i dont like that because ive been asking my other Greatest freind of all time mia how i can stop all of this stuff from happening she said just ignore it amd i know,everyone has heard of the just ignore and honestly that shit dont work if were being honest about it its just the first result or tell an adult but reasons why i dont do number 1 is because it gets worse and number 2 because then imma be considered a snitch or a bitch because of that. And another reason why is because im to stuburn to do anything i always say imma get them but i never do most of the time im a little ... No not a little but a lot scared because imma get beat up because everyone always go to fight as plan be if i ever step out of line as they would say but its really me just sticking up for myself but a no one understands its like trying to get a grasp of air while under water like deep down there. Al i really want is life to simple again like how it was last year when all these things were from one person but i hardly seen and people wasnt looking for drama 24/7 tryna make bad girls club come back and one thing for sure that make mad is shen its a girl who does it because if i say domething back imma get hit and if i get hit i cant hit her back because then thats going to make my stack of issues worse and its a large stack to and i dont want more and whats even worse anyway all the people who make fun of me are as they call themselves popular yup i know like bitch why cant you just talk to your freind about something that doesnt involve me and all of them stay fake to here is an example. This happend on friday and this one guy who pretty much bullied me in sixth and half way seventh grade was sitting like two seats away from me i was like adam mia here and i gave them a piece of gum and then this bitch right there was like ohh can i have a piece and i was like its my last piece and he was there with his fucking frei,d which are the popular hoes and they were there jus looking like bitch i you know damn well i want one too and my ass was like oh my gosh in my head like why am i finna give this nigga a piece of gum and yes im black i can say nigga but as i said earlier i just get ranovered all the damn time so you know what i said i was like uuuummmm sure here and i gave it to himxand i was like well tgere tgat goes and the messed up thing is he didnt even say thank you like bitch dont fucking talk to me again ungrateful bitch.

Back to what i was saying before i honestly feel like i have deppresion like some people may call it a phaze but bitch this phaze has been going on for years then and im sick of it mainly because i have a really hi pitched voice and puberty only hit me with mountains on my face nothing happend to my throat but people call me gay because i have a light hipitched soft voice like bitch thats my fault how mmmmm get the fuck

[achanceforus-x-blog]

My story so far

I am writing this to hopefully raise awareness and shed some light on situations people ignore or dismiss. I want to help people no matter what their going through with my words , my wisdom and inspire and give my strength to anyone who feels they have none left. My story so far .. A few major things had happened in the years before hand (Ill save these stories for another time) causing my mental health to deteriorate (such a big problem in our generation, thats just kept so secretive) Feeling lost and deflated keeping quiet about all my problems , our problems keeping shit to myself. Feeling to breathless and anxious to even leave the house for work. Falling out with friends because I was weak they thought I was stupid for all Ive put up with, a toxic relationship. Me and my long term partner would just argue and fuss and fight for hours to the point of ultimate distress on both halves. Neither of us really knew what we wanted when you've been romantic with one person for so long it can get really crazy I believe noones a bad person though I believe people only do bad things and thats the stage we were at doing bad things. The physical altercations got to much for us both it seemed as though we were killing each other slowly. Who bruises someone they love? Who try's to hurt them with wicked words? Im so done been a wicked person but we both had a bad mental state and combined it was not pretty. I lived with him and his family in not the most comfortable environment this could also spark our disagreements. Working full time jobs, missing each other , no trust in each other , assumptions , we even thought it was acceptable to lay our hands on one another at some points which is never ok on either part male or female. So with all this been said what the hell was a girl to do I felt I couldn't go home to my mother as it had been to long I was kind of brainwashed id fantasise about the days I didn't have to stay at my partners family's house anymore. One day I just became exhausted the fighting became to much and I finally stopped provoking and reacting then we remembered we can talk to each other. So after about a week of exhaustion and finally getting along again I started not to feel myself even more we got drunk at a christmas party ( I had some time of work and got drunk every day since the 16th December until just after christmas to numb my issues ) but this time we both got drunk at the party and we started loving on each other again like we had before he made a silly comment about my belly and said I had a little him in there. Which we both just laughed off drunkly as I thought yeah impossible. This comment didnt leave my mind all night then when a still slightly drunk but a more sober me woke up that comment was the first thing on my mind. I asked him what the fuck he meant?! He said he was just drunk and playing with me. Then I started to think wait I havent been feeling right for awhile I put it down to just been sad. But something kind of clicked in me I felt sick and I turned to my partner and said omg you've gotta get me a test he looked puzzled but when I explained he went to the corner shop and came back with three tests. I was terrified not to lie , id been pregnant before when I was younger and that didn't end well as they couldn't find a heartbeat .. Pure dread came into my heart and pure fear I started to feel more sick and panicked than ever. What if I lost a baby again I already accepted the fact I couldn't carry nor could I get pregnant again after the damage left and the blood transfusions and all the struggles of the time before. I didn't even want to be a mother at all , or did I ? No not Atleast until I was like 30 or something id pushed all thoughts of ever been someones mother out of my head for a while as it was to painful. Ugh why me , why didn't we glove up why did it have to feel so good why why why and then to think I had been drinking and smoking. Shit. I stopped all these thoughts and quickly manned up and took all the tests to the bathroom. All positive. Shit. Id not long started a great new job though , I was really excelling and I dont wanna be a mother and surely history would repeat itself? Were the tests right? I cant even get pregnant can I? Ive been drinking so much and smoking, ive been so sad ive been getting into scraps with my partner how far gone was I? Had we scrapped when I was pregnant? Im trapped. So many thoughts I sat in the bathroom and just let out a deep breath. Im the strongest person I know lol or am I or do I just suppress shit and abuse substances to get over the way i felt ? Either way I felt strong I know im strong after everything id been through before in the past year let alone the past few years. Okay It is what it is man. Walked out the bathroom and handed my partner all the tests we looked at each other he widened his eyes then he smiled real hard probably the most he'd smiled at me in a long time, he was happy but he was worried because he to lost his baby when I did before. We both lost the baby. It was ours and now we were faced with that feeling once again omg were pregnant wtf to do?! Not to mention We found out on new years eve!! So all of our plans cancelled. Man if this wasnt the time for me to get drunk and high I dont know what was. So we left it for a few days. We agreed to rebuild ourselves and rebuild our friendship and then out relationship. We obviously still loved and cared for each other but we had to make a pact no more toxic mess not around my baby no way no how. No More drinking for me I told myself I also stopped smoking cigarettes I was the moodiest id been in a month or so withdrawal symptoms really aint the one. I found it extremely hard to stop getting high though truthfully that had been my addiction and coping mechanism for years I felt even more lost wondering what the fuck I was gonna do without getting high everyday after work after a busy day after just having to wake up. Truly exhausting. Still only me and my partner knew our secret whilst I struggled to come to terms with it. At work I had the worst morning sickness ever I wont post to much about this but my job included me having to be really hands on and alert at all times It was getting real tough. I needed to tell someone. I told my manager their reaction wasn't really what I needed I guess they felt I was deliberately(damn it took spell check along time to figure out wtf I was just tryna spell) deliberately ruining their business. Great. And more exhaustion and more morning sickness. I need my mom Yo. The next day I went to my moms house and just came right out with everything she was shocked , happy , scared because of last time of course. My darling mom man I missed her she reacted just how Id wanted her to by getting my shits together telling me I had to make decisions from now and ultimately booking me a private paid scan for the next evening to check everything was ok. Work on this day was the worst all I could think about was whether I was gonna see that little heartbeat or whether it would have stopped like last time, like last time like last time all i kept thinking was like last time. Jesus get me the fuck out of here It was going slow though because I was clock watching. Finally it was time to leave i was outta there in no time I felt so sick driving to the scan place we picked up my partner It was just us three I could tell my mom and him were terrified to but they were just tryna be happy and make me laugh but i literally couldn't even speak I just felt so weird , silence please until we get this over with. So we arrive at the place and I swear my feet stopped working and my legs like I couldn't even get out of the car, mom helped me. Okay this is it. There was like a ten minute wait for the sonographer it felt more like ten fucking hours. Id zoned anyway I didnt know what anyone was saying and if they were talking to me I wasnt listening, finally they called me. We got into the scan room and oh my life Ive never experienced fear like it I personally thought I was fearless nothing scared me but this did. My mom literally had to lift me onto the bed and pull up my top for the scan and then explain to the sonographer Id had a bad experience in the past. My partner looked at me and smiled but I could see past his smile I could tell he was fucking shit scared just like me so he came and held my hand she rubbed the cold jelly on my stomach and began to look around Id covered my eyes by this point cos in my head I thought well at least this time if theres no heartbeat I wouldn't have to see it. I heard people talking my mom , the sonographer , some other woman in the back supervising I just wasnt listening to what they were saying my mom stood up and took my hands from my eyes and said its okay look! I looked and there was my beautiful little bean with the strongest heartbeat ive ever saw the sonographer turned to me and said your only eight weeks so not far gone at all but they have a real strong heartbeat and so far everything looks fine. I just froze and started sobbing. My little bean I couldn't believe it they printed us some scan pictures and I prized myself up of their bed and we went back to my moms house on the way back I was sick all over myself in the car in my new tracksuit that was really something. A part of me just couldn't believe I had a living thing inside of me. Wow got to my moms house cleaned up and ate some food and we talked and we made decisions and I told her I didn't wanna be a mother and she told me really it was tough and I should of thought about it before I didnt use protection. Lol typical thanks mom though I needed that. So I should have been relaxed cos there was a heartbeat but all I kept thinking about was would they even make it another week inside me I really didnt believe I was capable of bringing another life into this world. She dropped us back to my partners families house were we lived and my partner told his family they were happy for us his mother especially. We sat in our bedroom and I just cried on him for abit then he made a spliff and I had a few drags ( I know its bad but try not to judge me ) id read marijuana could help with sickness . Yeah anything to make it sound better. Fast forward a little bit to a week or so and I had a couple of appointments at the hospital due to what had happened before they wanted to double check me and see if I was okay. My manager was not at all happy about how many appointments I was having constantly making sly remarks and comments giving me the silent treatment telling me I was causing them to have to find cover. My initial thoughts whatever trevor I'm still here still working still trying my best your the least of my worries and just ignored them and looked forward to going to bed as the exhaustion was unreal Id never felt a tiredness like it honestly. Fatigue. Back at my partners house him and his mother had had a few disagreements lately and then one night it got really bad and a lot of harsh things were said and eventually she told him he had till the end of the week to get out. What ! I was shocked where was I gonna go ? All pregnant and shit clearly I had to go with him I hadnt left his side at the best of times never mind staying somewhere he'd been kicked out of. Weird shit I made the split second decision and told him lets leave now we grabbed a few bits we needed for the next couple days and left right there and then. Where we gonna go !? My partner asked I didnt even know I just knew I didnt wanna stay there any longer. I called my mom and briefly explained she didnt have a clue what I was talking about it was half eleven at night and everyone had work early in the morning she just said yes then we turned up at her house at midnight , a couple of lost puppies like hey. She just made sure we were okay we'd ate and we had somewhere to sleep with all her blankets and pillows. Fast forward a little bit I really wanted to move into our own place so I started saving over half my wages for the next two months and just stacking up buying things for the place we found , he was saving to , we'd saved more money then than in our whole lives , I mean it seemed real easy I wasnt buying bottles of alcohol all the time I wasnt buying cigarettes I wasnt buying weed no clothes cos I figured id just grow out of them soon anyway so my money was literally untouched so saving and buying household goods was all me for the next few weeks. I wasnt happy but I was at peace. We viewed a flat and I knew it was the one man I just didnt think we stood a chance as it was in a posh area and quite expensive and we were not posh and you know how landlords would stereotype a young black couple so I really began to give up hope of finding somewhere. But then they called and told us the place was all ours and we could come and collect the keys in two weeks I was so happy we were happy, it felt like things were finally gonna go right. The day before I was due to move in my manager dismissed me unfairly due to pregnancy discrimination. It didn't come as much of a shock because of all the shit id put up with them since telling them I was pregnant, but I couldnt believe people could actually do this stuff to people. It was disgusting I was so mad and now breaking down because I didnt even know if id be able to afford to live in our beautiful new home. All the stuff we'd brought and I didnt wanna be a young mom living in at my mothers house it was all just to much once again I manned up and realised I had alot of savings and still had another wage to come my way and some unpaid holiday so I was going to be okay until that ran out. Of course my partner works hard and he could pay everything but that is not something I wanted either so I made sure to even out my savings to last until the summer by then id be receiving maternity pay anyway. I was terrified for the 12 week scan as alot of pregnancies dont make it to the 2nd trimester all I could think about was what I had lost before I just couldn't accept anything good would happen for me so once again sick and nervous I went to my next scan and there it was again a beautiful little heartbeat , so strong and the way they were wiggling about in me on the scan I still just could not believe it more scan photos were given and I left feeling abit happier once again still filled with terror and worry. I began to wonder whether or not id ever be able to enjoy been pregnant and if it was even worth it worth putting on the fake smiles every day worth looking at my changing body going from been super underweight hardly , controlled eating basically not eating at all - when I was sad cos It was the only thing I felt I had control over , to having no choice but to eat constantly all the time even through all the horrible morning sickness that FYI doesnt just fucking occur in the mornings. Ugh. Whatever. I have no choice for me pregnancy felt horrible its a really weird experience I didn't understand how women skipped about with their big bellies all happy and excited cos I was not happy or excited I loved my baby of course but It filled me with dread to think I could be growing them but never get to meet them again I just was not prepared for this at all and Im twenty years old. Isnt that old enough? Hell no. But theres nothing I can do. Fast forward 16 weeks pregnant and received news you can pay for a private scan to reveal the gender. So basically to put it blunt I thought everytime I had another scan I wouldnt see the babies heartbeat sounds paranoid and ridiculous and surely after three scans id calm down . Nope it got worse for me. So of course I wanted to find out the gender but for me it was just another way to see if the baby was still alive in me. The day of my gender scan I actually had an appointment with the midwife to listen to the heartbeat. So i went into that terrified as well my midwife knew how scared I was and dealt with me really nicely she eased me into it and then I heard my beautiful baby's heartbeat for the first time. Oh my God it was shocking I felt breathless I was listening to my baby's heartbeat. (Ive just noticed excuse my poor grammar throughout I never liked school lol) but that heartbeat the most special thing to me its all I could think about. Then in the evening when it came to my private scan I was still terrified at finding their heartbeat even though id heard it literally a few hours before! It was then that I realised I actually had a real problem. But whatever suppressed that again and readied myself for what they were saying in the scan. So I brought along my sister my dad my mom my partner and my bestfriend as you were paying you could have five people in the room lol. This if your highly nervous I wouldnt recommend they were all so excited and happy I just couldnt figure out how they were so excited and happy whilst I was miserable and terrified. So on the scan table the cold jelly again and then the sonographer started to feel around I covered my eyes again of course like I did every scan then got the all clear that there was a heartbeat then started to watch it was beautiful I couldnt get over the fact a little human was inside my belly so weird so magical wow. The sonographer asked so do you want to know the sex my family were all like wooo yeahh I didnt say anything just half heartedly smiled all of a sudden then sonographer told me its a girl!!! Oh my God. I had a little girl growing inside me a mini me. I sobbed abit again. Unreal my very own little daughter. So overwhelming that I actually started to feel really upset thats another thing about been pregnant these raging hormones noone warns you about this stuff I swear. So we were having a little girl (something my partner had said all along) and I was still not happy. I started to feel really selfish and bad. I explained I felt lonely I dont know how when I wasn't alone but it was just not a great feeling at all I really needed help I started to act irrationally and like an emotional wreck I definitely needed to accept some help so a week or so later I spoke up and was referred to a mental health midwife. Which to me sounded dramatic as fuck. But cos id struggled with mental health before it was something they had recommended anyway but stubborn old me didn't take the help. But now it was official I was dealing with antenatal depression like a constant feeling of impending doom I just couldn't be happy ever again could I? At Least not until my daughter was in my arms. I dont do talking or taking sad pills I couldn't drink I couldn't get high or control my eating like before not to mention I couldnt just have the maddest sex session either as I was scared that would harm my baby to. Ugh. I couldn't do nothing man because I was pregnant so my stress went straight to my head all everyone kept saying was dont stress you'll stress out the baby. Like really thank fuck you just said that never thought of that before. I literally couldnt listen to people and their stupid comments I just tried to accept they were trying to help and whatever they were saying was in my best interest. Okay Now this is were my story so far gets real fucked up. Ive been trying to think how to word this since before even starting to write this. Writing it in my head over and over but this is were it gets really personal to me. We're almost up to the current point in my story so far to. So 19 weeks pregnant I am terrified (surprise) for my next scan next week, its the 20 week scan it looks at your baby and your inside properly in abit more detail and sees if things are forming the way they should with the baby and with the umbilical cord, the placenta, the sack of fluid baby is in just all sorts of things. So of course im fearing the worst noone gets why I always fear the worst but I did it before been pregnant anyway so now im pregnant it just made it that bit worse for me. Im showing now by the way got a right little belly going on lol my moms started with a baby box , little socks her first teddy , a couple outfits she even managed to convince me to buy my little girl something I brought her some girly dinosaur baby grows as Id never saw dinosaurs for girls before and I loved it. So this beautiful little baby girl box. I looked through now and again and I wouldnt say I got used to been pregnant but I started to feel her little movements her little swimming and butterfly movements in my tummy so as much as Id tried to stay detached incase of any loss I was attatched whether I liked it or not. My baby girl. I pictured what shed look like , where id take her , what me and my partner would be like with a baby and what a daddy he would be. Holidays with her and just the rest of my life with her. My saviour she'd even made me able to forgive my partner and to care a lot less about the silly little things in life when I think about it she's the only reason Id found a way to want to live again, like she'd given me a purpose like I didnt need to have my eating disorders anymore or get high or get drunk all I needed was to feel her move. I dreamed about kissing and feeling her skin for the first time, I just couldnt believe id been given the opportunity from God to bring one of his angels onto the earth. Had me really in my feelings and thats not me at all. Crazy shit. Anyway back to the scan. Im 21 weeks and 3 days now and its the day of my scan to see if everything's okay me and my partner are nervous of course but im with my mom and him again and there telling me everything's gonna be fine and I just need to chill out. So we get into the scan I cover my eyes once again and then the doctor tells me theres a heartbeat , a strong heartbeat. so I open my eyes and start to look his scanning all over explaining what he can see so far then he goes quiet and starts to scan the same place over and over again, her heart. So I just get a feeling somethings wrong. A single tear comes out my eye and I just lye on the bed waiting for him to say something to give me some information , finally he says im just going to get a second opinion. Thanks for all that info Dr fucking who. My mom and my partners faces they look so sad , so sad for me for them for us all man we dont understand whats going on were just waiting for them to say something more. Two doctors come in the room and scan her heart again shes wriggling all over the place at this point sucking her thumb , waving her arms. I just cant look at the screen anymore I cant bring myself to look at her. The doctor says im so sorry but we suspect she has hypo plastic left heart syndrome, well fuck me. From when he said im so sorry I just couldnt breathe again I didnt even know what the fuck he meant but im scared and im upset and im desperate. My partner looks so sad to. I just feel so bad I just want to apoligize to everyone I just dont understand why I cant do this one thing a women's supposed to do. So the doctor gives us some notes and refers us to a fetal medicine scanner to confirm the diagnosis. Basically the left side of her heart hadn't formed properly he told us what to look at online and what to read etc. I just couldnt believe it. I felt like a fool for ever believing something good could happen for me for us. So we left thinking we had nothing left. I had already started grieving and she wasnt even gone! I was grieving like she was though I just lost all hope. Reading up on the syndrome it means she will need open heart surgery at just a few hours old, then another open heart surgery at around 7 months if she was even to make it through the first op. Then another open heart surgery at 2/3 years old. Then eventually a heart transplant as her heart will never work like a normal heart and it can never be fixed. Well ill be damned. I spent the next few days until the fetal medicine scan breaking down in the shower and staying in bed anything I was doing included bed I didnt wanna leave bed I didnt wanna talk to anyone I was defeated. I couldn't bring myself to go into the room with that damn baby box. Fetal medicine scan day. Which are more skilled doctors sonographers that specify in looking at problems and confirming them. By this point id given up been scared before the scan as I was scared everyday. Waking up was like hearing the diagnosis all over again because as soon as I opened my eyes I would remember. So the doctors scanned and it was confirmed hypoplastic left heart syndrome my poor baby girl thinking of everything shes gonna have to deal with. How long would I know her? If I got to know her at all would she even survive the first op? Second? Third? What the fuck. Why me? Why me and my baby Im a good person Ive done a few bad things but ive dealt with more bad Jesus why me ? Did I really not deserve a break I just couldnt believe my luck. They offered me three options. Termination. Which I considered for a little while as I believed it would hurt less if I lost her now than loosing her when Id met her. Is it better to have loved and lost or to have lost and never loved? What kind of shitty statement is that I dont even know what to think anymore. I decide if shes still fighting then I have to fight with her I cant just give up hope for my baby girl. So cancel out that option. Next. They offer the three stages of the operations but thats not including any complications and operations to fix anything else that goes wrong oh and also my baby has to weigh over 5 pounds to be able to have these operations anyway and cant have any chromosomal issues such as down syndrome or Edwards syndrome then they really cant operate at all and nature just has to take its way. And the last option was compassionate care so when my baby's born they help us plan the funeral and give us extra support. To me all these options were fucked the fuck up and I just didnt want to have to choose any of them. We had like a week to make a decision until we met with the cardiologist who would explain my little girls problems in more depth as every baby is different of course and look in depth at her little heart. See if it was even possible to operate how much damage was actually done. Well fuck me. I seriously didnt even know this condition existed and neither did my family and friends. I couldn't help but just feel grief and defeat. But as long as my daughter kept fighting I knew that I was going to so we picked the second option deciding to go through with the operations if that was a possibility for her. Appointment over. I couldnt even bring myself to look at my stomach that night truth be told i couldn't even look at myself at all. I just felt like a failure If i couldn't do this what could I do? I thought about how my life will never be the same ever again as most babies take up to three months to leave the hospital if they even get to at all how much we'd have to be in the hospital for the rest of her life. Weve been dealt some real shit cards. Cant I just give her some of my heart? Cant my partner give some of his heart? We would give her anything she needed. Not possible. Ive tried to think of how to explain the next week to you guys but its impossible to put into words for me it felt like been in a box in the deepest point of the sea and seeing a random submarine in the distance but if you try to scream to get its attention you'd drown. Although that comparison is shitty because nothing could compare to the way I was feeling. Grief pure grief and heart break, I didnt know why God kept testing me but I also didnt want to question him. Cardiologist appointment arrived and in we went again to check over our baby. So her little heart is underdeveloped and the right side is doing everything for the left side. Everything else looks fine her growth is normal and her movements. The biggest problem though her heart. Now there are four severe things that could be wrong with her heart adding to her syndrome meaning she is unable to have the operation and she only had one of them. Her areola a small vaule to the heart was only 1mm big which will make it harder for the surgeons performing her operation. So it makes a high risk operation even more high risk. Then the cardiologist started coming at us with statistics and they sounded real shit , any hope I'd had left she knocked it the fuck out of me. Information overload I just couldnt believe what I was hearing still all I kept thinking about was how long we're going to know her for I mean we still dont know what were dealing with properly until shes here anyway all we know is she has a 25/75 chance of survival with the op . And a even lower chance without the op. So much to take in. We were told a charity named little hearts matter would get in touch with us and that we could go and visit parents or surviving babies after the op and then we would go and have a look at the children's hospital where our baby will be transported to straight after birth ( I wont even get to hold her until after the op ) blah blah blah just more words that hurt and I just wanted to get into bed. Left that appointment feeling worse than when we went in. I cried a hell of alot that night to in the shower were I felt I could just sit with the freezing cold water hitting me trying to wake me up out of this emotional daze I had dropped into. I went a walk and contemplated just jumping into the moving traffic so me and her could just be free together in a better place. No I refuse to sink. After that I realised most people my age could not put up with half the stuff I've been through hell people twice my age couldn't. I remembered I was super strong (more so than ever before) and that my daughter was just as strong as her mommy. The next day we spoke with the charity and now theres a lovely lady who calls me to see if were okay and how baby's doing. And I have more hope than ever I believe everything is going to be okay in the end and God only tests his strongest people. My baby girl is my will to live and she keeps me strong and she now kicks me real hard every single day her daddy feels and sees her kicks and so do my family and friends. She's so beautiful and strong im now 25 weeks and waiting on more scans I have to have one every two weeks and endless appointments monitoring her. Im a high risk pregnancy but I'm okay for the first time in a while and whenever I have a down day and cry a little my baby makes sure to kick me so I know she doesnt want her mommy to be sad. Dont get me wrong nothing is cured certainly my despair and broken heart for her broken heart, some days I feel like I can take on the world and anything it throws my way and other days I cant imagine loosing my little darling , it really hurts not knowing how long I may know her for. But I just have to accept life is an amazing gift no matter how short or long. And although I'm to young to be dealing with all this shit I'm making it my mission to deal with all of this shit just for my girl. And I hope to raise awareness on alot of issues raised in my post. Ill be writing more when the times right and thankyou for listening x https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=1700345300267324&id=1696783053956882 https://www.betterhelp.com/start/?utm_source=AdWords&utm_medium=Search_PPC_m&utm_term=mental+health+helpline_p&utm_content=41730113956&network=g&placement=&target=&matchtype=p&utm_campaign=384715930_mobile&ad_type=text&adposition=1t1&gclid=CK7R9-e03tMCFcy37QodO20LaA&gor=start-go&fv=d http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/Pages/mental-health-helplines.aspx https://www.nct.org.uk/pregnancy/antenatal-depression http://mensadviceline.org.uk https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/helpline/ My story so far ! .. Stay tuned. #mentalhealth #awareness #littleheartsmatter #speak #useyourvoice #love #follow #strong #pleaseread #story