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#like i never got how to pose divisions and still can't at age 18 because logicomathematics are completely counterintuitive to me
anaalnathrakhs
·
1 month
Text
...i'm starting to wonder if i wasn't actually pretty often failed by the adults in my life as a young kid tbh.
#i'm always doubtful where to put the blame
#in a morally neutral causality kind of way to be clear
#because like. i dont know. if i was the adult. confronted to the opaque behavior of a child. would i have done better?
#but also i can't help but think
#why the fuck did they make me skip a grade (last grade of primary on top of that) when i was notorious for never doing my homework
#and was incredibly inconsistent across topics
#like i sucked at math. like ''needs to count on fingers to do a simple addition or substraction'' sucking at math.
#like i never learned any multiplication tables sucking at math
#like i never got how to pose divisions and still can't at age 18 because logicomathematics are completely counterintuitive to me
#and just. the work was never done to make me Get It. my work or teachers' work who knows. but perhaps skipping a grade wasnt the solution
#or like
#apparently when i was three years old the pediatrician suspected smth was up with me
#either autism directly or ''generally suspicious child'' we're not clear on that
#but he told my parents. and everybody said ''we better test that'' and then. nothing. idk.
#they filled a parental report of behaviors questionnaire for... adhd i think? autism maybe. and that's it. never fucking heard about it.
#god. i just remembered my mom saying proudly they almost never put me in the nursery as a kid.
#always either with a parent or family or a nanny.
#and perhaps mother. you could have foreseen that a kid with no siblings no pets no kid neighbors no playdates. would end up socially fucked
#i remember the teachers scolding late students and showing us that we were supposed to be in bed by 9:30 or something
#and internally i was like BUDDY AT 9PM WE'RE HALFWAY THROUGH DINNER
#MOM'S BEEN HOME FOR LESS THAN AN HOUR
#and shit. i don't know. i was scared of the dark as a child. to the point that even with the compromise
#of keeping the door ajar and lights in the hallway (which i had to fucking advocate for btw)
#i still slept curled up in the bathroom on a towel sometimes when it got too scary
#and i would cry and scream before going to bed. i would beg my mom for sleeping pills from a young age.
#i would often find myself in the morning sleeping with my face smushed between the pages of the book i literally fell asleep on
#because i read until my eyes gave out
#and a couple years later when i got a 3ds i'd play at night and if my dad caught me he'd storm into my room and i'd hide under the comforte
#and he'd punch a couple times and whisper-yell at me not to do that and go to sleep
#it took until i was about 15yo for me to see a sleep specialist
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