#like my gaydar is truly terrible i suck balls at picking up on cues so its funny that to some people im reeking signals

[toastsnaffler]

actually ive been thinking abt this a lot lately like basically for years i assumed i was very (cis)het passing and only recently ive become aware that i am in fact. very obviously perhaps almost comically gay to other queer ppl. like lmaoooo ok then

#i think its bc a) when i came out at like 15 everyone was super surprised so i assumed ppl still found it unexpected even now #+ b) im not super aware of social cues generally (autism) so dont tend to pick up on stuff like that unless its explicitly said #+ also c) ive never felt like i physically appear very conspicuous bc i dont have any piercings/tattoos/never dyed my hair etc #i only cut my hair short relatively recently too..... so idk i just assumed i blended into the background for everyone #but now im interacting with ppl outside of my tighter social circle more often ive become more aware- #of how ppl might perceive me. or rather ive become aware of just how UNaware i am of how ppl might perceive me #and its really funny how many odd interactions ive had in the past suddenly make sense if u assume the other person clocked me as gay #like strangers that have gotten flustered around me that might be bc i was giving off strong dyke vibes etc #the other day i was in a bookstore and the guy behind the counter was very stiff + quiet until i replied to smth he said and suddenly he- #became way more animated + started talking to me more casually + that was the first time i realised i probably sound gay as fuck #like i think i kinda have a stereotypical gay mannerism/lilt to the way i talk... no wonder i used to get called a fag so often lmfao #or like i remember trying to find a lab partner in 3rd yr of my degree + i had to do it on call only bc of covid + there were a bunch- #of us with similar lab interests but it got sorted SO fast bc this one other student seemed to gravitate immediately towards me #and i remember thinking afterward that it was odd how quickly we resolved that. esp bc we didnt even meet it was just voice call #anyway yeah i found out she was a dyke much later but i think maybe she clocked me straight away bc of how i sound....? #and that was why she warmed to me so quickly... but god i remember debating for ages with my ex abt whether she was gay or not #like my gaydar is truly terrible i suck balls at picking up on cues so its funny that to some people im reeking signals #also i met up with an ollldddd old friend last week + 30 secs in she was like oh fuck you must use different pronouns now #gesturing to Me. like oh..... im visibly gnc......? or maybe behaviourally???? idk. also shes v femme which made me realise that- #i rly do come across kinda masc/butch nowadays. even tho ive never really thought abt it that deeply before or made an effort to #i mean yeah i do identify along those lines but ive never directly considered how to flag that to other people etc im just doing me baby #ANYWAY this has been a rly long ramble idr what point i was getting at but just find it fascinating to think abt how im read in public #bc im just genuinely so unaware of it. its weirdly rly validating to find out that im automatically recognised as dykey + a little masc #boosted my confidence a lot as well tbh ive felt rly comfortable in myself lately. partly also cuz im getting a little muscular ;^) #ANYWAYYYYYY enough of all that i need to go sleep if youre reading this ily goodnighttt xoxo #.diaries