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melissa-isabel · 6 years

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Dairy Entry 1

07/14/2018

Dear Diary,

Thursday through to today have come in like a tornado. I have had an amazing paradigm shift, I couldn’t have possibly seen it coming, but then we never do see the big ones coming. The kind that pull the rug from under your feet only to send you soaring into the clouds completely free. Devoid of all of the baggage you had left on the rug.

I feel as though a blindfold has been removed from my eyes and the gates to my hear unlocked, access granted.

I wouldn’t say it all started on Thursday, as I believe every second of life leads to next and so on and so forth. That being said I feel like I finally broke through a plateau I had been stuck at for years on Thursday. It started with a gut cleanse I am doing with my friend this past Sunday. This cleanse restricts a lot of food that weighs you down energetically and interrupts your digestive system, listen to my podcast for more information on that. The cleanse allowed the stagnant and suppressed energy and emotions to start flowing in my body so the week as a whole was a whirlwind of emotion. Little epiphanies left and right, along with a plethora of questions left unanswered for so long.

On Thursday I agreed to go to a sound bath meditation with my sister, an invitation I had rejected just one week prior. This week though, I just really needed to clear out the inner gunk to get my flow, well flowing. So I went.

I went and let me tell you. It was powerful shit. Like aliens experimenting on me crazy, swords for combat permanently attached to me intense, and being held by all creation comforting. With tears streaming down my face, I emptied my cup and filled it back up, realizing that I am truly never alone.

Friday I had the day off since I worked on Sunday last week and I had a perfectly productive day planned to the T. Though feeling slightly nauseous from the prior night’s energy work, I went on my almost daily run and felt more powerful than I ever had before. Seeing not only myself though new eyes of love and appreciation, but also the world around me. I followed my run with several to-do list tasks that cleared up my space and my mind.

Finally able to take a break I made vegan, gluten-free cream of broccoli from scratch and sat down to eat. Soon after, my day’s tasks nearly done, I decided to take some books to a donation spot, roughly 30 minutes away from my house. Books delivered, I went grocery shopping for more fresh veg to fuel me and upon coming out of Sprouts Farmer’s Market, the other shoe finally dropped.

My car’s engine would not start. Fuck me, right? Daf, my barely 3 year old car that I had driven off the lot as a fresh graduate was going to give up on me. Except the high from the night before was fighting the anxiety inside, making my stomach flip. So I hit pause.

Pause.

I read my car’s manual because a few emergency lights had turned on. Nothing of use. Damn.

I called my sister 3 times, no answer. Finally a text, oh wait her boyfriend has her phone. Oh pues.

I called my mom, and in true mom style she freaked out and wanted me to wait for her even though she was an hour away. Hmmm, would my groceries go bad?

My mom contacted my uncle, who suggested I get a kind samaritan to jump start my car just so I could get home and then he could check it out later.

Ok, I can do this, I thought. So I went back to the grocery store and tried to find someone who could help to no avail.

Breathe.

I went to the CVS next door and bought jumper cables, AND found a guy willing to help. Score!

During the process of jump starting my car, the cables started smoking and sparking, the rubber? plastic? melted off of them. Shit, Fuck, Fuck, Shit, Fuck.

Breathe.

My car turned on and the kind gentleman who helped me out told me to go return the cables. He would stay with my car until I got back. I did, and he did.

THANK YOU!

On my drive home I realized how blessed I am. How in my time of need the right people were presented, and I just started crying. Because in that moment all I could do to process the immense ocean of love and gratitude inside was to let it flow through the faucets on my face. Wow. I drove slow, and gave everyone with a blinker turned on space to merge, something my usual road rage self would never do. Not if I could help it anyways.

I made it home safe. Decompressed. Checked in with my mom, only to find out that my uncle wouldn’t be able to make it out to my car until Sunday night. Cutting it too close to be sure I could make it to work. Feeling the threat of anxiety I went on a walk with my close friend and roommate. (thank you C, love youuuu)

Hours later I got a call from my grandpa saying he would stop by to take a look at my car the following morning. But I didn’t want to worry him. He just had surgery, he should be relaxing at home. I asked my mom and sister who told grandpa I had car troubles, as they were the only ones I told. Mom told dad, who told grandpa. Slightly peeved.

Breathe. It is ok.

Trust.

Just trust.

The next morning I woke up after a crazy dream about an arranged marriage and chapstick. I know, don’t say it.

I had this weird sense of clarity in regards to a friendship I had quit cold turkey two years ago. I ghosted and blocked that girl like my life depended on it, because on a camping trip in the middle of the wilderness with a small group, she did the unthinkable, crossed all my sacred boundaries. The culmination to a slow brewing resentment finally coming to fruition. It hurt. It hurt like a mother fucker. Hurt past the three days I cried and puked, so disheveled, mourning the girl I once called a sister. It was like watching my family fall apart all over again. A fallout she had been there for, supported me through.

I surprised myself by unblocking her to send her a message. I finally after two years was able to tell her how I felt and why I had cut her out, shut the door and installed 10...maybe 20 locks. I felt relief, finally voicing the pain I had kept locked inside for so long. I think because I was also able to recognize that I was at fault too, for not defending my boundaries, for not communicating with her. The situation was created by the two of us. I was not blame-free.

A couple hours later my grandpa showed up, mechanic friend in tow, carrying various tools and equipment for my car. Roughly and hour and a half later Daf had a new battery, engine filter, and a fuel cleaner. Free, though I tried to pay.

Blessed. I truly felt so blessed. I have the luxury of a family that though they have their own faults, as do I, love me regardless. Unconditionally. And will always show up when I need them. Even when I don’t realize I need them. Even when I don’t ask for help. They are always there. Arms wide open.

Thank you, truly.

Grandpa & Co. gone, I went inside to find a message from my once friend. My stomach flipped. I didn’t want to open it.

Breathe.

I put on my big girl panties and opened it. She said sorry. She had been thinking about it a lot and she was genuinely remorseful and hoped I was doing well. She was glad I finally put words to my feelings. I was too. Glad we were able to clear the air. A huge weight off my chest. I can breathe. I can fly.

I am blessed and have so much to be grateful for.

#diary deardiary contemplation breakthrough love growth ascend spirit closure gratitude blessed

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