#literally spent hours today watching documentaries that are actually pretty relevant to my one course

[skitskatdacat63]

I will read the most inane and useless stuff for hours just for my own interest/enjoyment, but reading academic papers is like pulling a tooth 😭😭 like I genuinely think I'd find the info interesting but the fact that ik it's in pursuit of doing an assignment somehow manages to kills my motivation 100%

#step 1. you pick a research topic you find genuinely interesting #step 2. you have to research and read papers abour this topic. hey dont you remember you find this interesting?? #i just remember going on deep dives learning about random historical figures #but absolutely god forbid i read anything in the pursuit of actual schoolwork #i think its mostly that i feel constantly under duresss when im reading it yknow? #all i can think is: im going to have to write something about this #lol just need someone i can blab to about politics and maybe it would actually work out for me #but ugh yeah theres just such a palpable difference btwn reading smth for enjoyment and reading something 'for work' #here is an example! #in my one class i think my prof put The Prince as a reading #i didnt even look cause im liek yeah i aint reading all of that #fast forward a year later: oh my god! i wanna read machiavelli so bad! i wanna feel intellectual 🥰🥰 #literally bought myself a copy of it ..... #i think im too self aware. id like to remove all sense of context from my brain #literally spent hours today watching documentaries that are actually pretty relevant to my one course #<- but note. they werent FOR my course. i was just doing ir for fun! i wanted to learn!! #but if i got assigned a hour and a half docu for class....that shit would not be getting done #ugh yeah anyways i have two research papers this sem #and its so fucking annoying bcs its so open to my choices. like here. you can pick smth you find genuinely interesting #and you guys literally witness me constantly learn info and want to apply it #but the thought of having to write a paper for school(god forbid) literally keeps me awake at night #its just yeah. wish i could remove that particular barrier from my brain #bcs some of the things i do for fandom are literally borderline research papers #like. read and research a bunch. write about it to other people. apply the info(in fic/drawing/meta) #and really the topics are not so different from my actual coursework #but when i contemplate having to research and write for school it just flatlines my brain #need to start forcing people to watch me borderline seminar so that it feels more fun and in-line w what i do on here #the fernando card post???? practically a research paper. god. my brain is so bad #catie.rambling.txt