#lmk if this needs tagging for anything in particular but i haven't rly talked about weight as such so i hope it's chill

[tinystepsforward]

been on t (oral gelcaps) for a couple months now and it's been wild. i knew going onto it that i didn't want to go """all the way""" or whatever, that i wanted to see what it would do and how i felt on it! and mostly: i feel good. i feel more like a dyke than ever, and i have less pain than ever (which the endo and i did suspect would happen, bc t is good for a lot of connective tissue issues and orthostatic and/or circulatory issues). but it's still just like... wild?

i think if i was trying to pass as fast as possible i'd experience quite a lot more anxiety about the process. but instead i've watched myself stay someone i recognize, and despite accidentally being on a much higher dose than i thought i was on (my body metabolises the oil in the capsules better than it's supposed to, apparently), the changes have been slow enough that i've been able to see them coming. i wake up in the morning surprised that my voice is still dropping. i sing, at least a little in the shower, every day and every day the notes that are comfortable change. my passagio changes, the places my voice wheezes into silence changes.

my weak mezzo-soprano is now a weak tenor that brings me wonderful joy every time i realize i can sing mountain goats songs or my favorite musical pieces in the right octave. i find myself more able than ever to articulate myself eloquently in zoom calls, and less fatigued after them. it turns out that despite not really ever thinking of myself as voice dysphoric, something's been lifted off my shoulders anyway. my body's changing in shape just a little, belly and shoulders filling out, butt less bubbled, and while i was anxious about that (i love my hourglass figure!), it's becoming clear to me that at least a little of that anxiety came from spending the entirety of my adult life sex working.

i look different in photographs now, in some unquantifiable way. my eyebrows have filled out. my breasts are just a tiny bit smaller, in a way that means, with my new belly and my sudden ability to push past my past weightlifting records, that i look dykey in the most wonderful way in a sports bra or ribbed tank. i took a picture today and for the first time saw in the sunlight on my jaw and the tendons of my neck a shape i didn't know i had been missing. i realised that actually, i don't miss the bits of my hourglass figure that i've lost a little! that my vanity wasn't hung on that specific image of myself. just on me, looking like me. feeling like me. approaching the version of me that i'm happy with now, mostly retired from sw and having nobody to dress for but myself: a lesbian, low-voiced and femme and visibly queer, moving and speaking with the grace that comes from comfort in their body.

i have no idea how long i'll stay on t. it's been a wild couple of months for other reasons, and i do think i want to switch methods and to a dose that's a little lower than i have now. but i'm feeling good about it, right now! i'm feeling like it's another part of finding out who i am, testing the boundaries of what it means to be me, and coming out stronger. i wish for the same for any and all of you, that you have the chance to do that if you want to.

#tony muses #long and sappy post about transitioning!! #lmk if this needs tagging for anything in particular but i haven't rly talked about weight as such so i hope it's chill