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#long and sappy post about transitioning!!
tinystepsforward · 1 year
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been on t (oral gelcaps) for a couple months now and it's been wild. i knew going onto it that i didn't want to go """all the way""" or whatever, that i wanted to see what it would do and how i felt on it! and mostly: i feel good. i feel more like a dyke than ever, and i have less pain than ever (which the endo and i did suspect would happen, bc t is good for a lot of connective tissue issues and orthostatic and/or circulatory issues). but it's still just like... wild?
i think if i was trying to pass as fast as possible i'd experience quite a lot more anxiety about the process. but instead i've watched myself stay someone i recognize, and despite accidentally being on a much higher dose than i thought i was on (my body metabolises the oil in the capsules better than it's supposed to, apparently), the changes have been slow enough that i've been able to see them coming. i wake up in the morning surprised that my voice is still dropping. i sing, at least a little in the shower, every day and every day the notes that are comfortable change. my passagio changes, the places my voice wheezes into silence changes.
my weak mezzo-soprano is now a weak tenor that brings me wonderful joy every time i realize i can sing mountain goats songs or my favorite musical pieces in the right octave. i find myself more able than ever to articulate myself eloquently in zoom calls, and less fatigued after them. it turns out that despite not really ever thinking of myself as voice dysphoric, something's been lifted off my shoulders anyway. my body's changing in shape just a little, belly and shoulders filling out, butt less bubbled, and while i was anxious about that (i love my hourglass figure!), it's becoming clear to me that at least a little of that anxiety came from spending the entirety of my adult life sex working.
i look different in photographs now, in some unquantifiable way. my eyebrows have filled out. my breasts are just a tiny bit smaller, in a way that means, with my new belly and my sudden ability to push past my past weightlifting records, that i look dykey in the most wonderful way in a sports bra or ribbed tank. i took a picture today and for the first time saw in the sunlight on my jaw and the tendons of my neck a shape i didn't know i had been missing. i realised that actually, i don't miss the bits of my hourglass figure that i've lost a little! that my vanity wasn't hung on that specific image of myself. just on me, looking like me. feeling like me. approaching the version of me that i'm happy with now, mostly retired from sw and having nobody to dress for but myself: a lesbian, low-voiced and femme and visibly queer, moving and speaking with the grace that comes from comfort in their body.
i have no idea how long i'll stay on t. it's been a wild couple of months for other reasons, and i do think i want to switch methods and to a dose that's a little lower than i have now. but i'm feeling good about it, right now! i'm feeling like it's another part of finding out who i am, testing the boundaries of what it means to be me, and coming out stronger. i wish for the same for any and all of you, that you have the chance to do that if you want to.
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bullforgery · 1 year
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2am rant cause idgaf.
#it's 230am and i still can't sleep which means it's truth hour#the reason it's taking me so long to write#is that i fucking hate canon Dundee :) and i mean /fucking hate/. even more than joffery from GoT cause at least he died.#and it was easier to write in the four months that dundee was dead#and now that he's back and poking at every trauma response deep in my soul and making me sideeye certain... “character decisions”#it makes me fucking hate writing him and thinking about his now very yikers mindset#regardless if i've moved my version of him out of canon interpretation because i still have to see/hear about him in NP#so i usually write between bursts of rp where dundee has no interaction with any bbmc and i don't have to read#about his dumb fucking shit in the meta channels#and if there's anything i could will into existence#it would either be dundee permas or this version of bondi move to NewDayRP. cause i love bbmc and their rp but NP ain't it.#and one man seems determined to not let them have fun#while claiming that it's fun for him (because he suffers no consequences). so...#hate it or not. idgaf. that's just my 2am rant.#or maybe i just transition all my writing to the OC i re-found a week ago that I made for “post-apocalypse/solar-punk novel” years ago#and the character called “duke calamity” cause he shares a shocking amount of similarities#(minus the very yikers traits of dundee)#except Duke is actually gay and doesn't no homo panic about it because he's too self aware about being a character for people to enjoy#so he's perfectly happy to drive the commuter bus across the desert for the miners#and tell you sappy stories about his badass husband who murdered a mouthy fucker who was going after one of the other miners#and he'll fuck you up if you insult his very nice bus that he built himself even if a few parts are missing after a trip through a storm#and he'll back up his husband when shit starts going down at the mine even if he has no idea how it all works. but husband is mad about it#so now he is too#.....i just don't know anymore. i do like writing for it. but knowing the corrupted source of it makes it not fun
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baeshijima · 1 year
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— it's the small things with you that matter most
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just some day-to-day snippets depicting how it's like to be in a relationship with alhaitham.
CONTAINS : gn!reader, 4.4k wc, fluff, (attempts at) humour, slight crack, established relationship, idiots in love
A/N : HAPPY BDAY BELOVED HAITHAM !! smitten clingy sappy menace haitham is my lifeline huhu 〒▽〒 (this is also just me once again advocating cute/energetic readers with haitham TヘT)
(can be read as a standalone or viewed as the post-happenings of [how to woo the acting grand sage 101] ^^)
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Navigating through a relationship with Alhaitham isn't as hard as one might think.
The transition from friends-who-pined-for-years to lovers was a lot easier than you’d like to admit. While there were some significant changes to adjust to (read: Alhaitham's sudden surge in displays of affection), your dynamic pretty much remained the same.
And while you've had your fair share of ups and downs, most of your more serious fights happened before you got together. Considering how long you both have known one another, it wouldn't be an understatement to say you know the other like the back of your hand — understanding minuscule hints and mannerisms anyone else wouldn't notice — and so, most disputes are settled before they can even surface.
Most of your fights wouldn’t drag on for long as you're both pretty open to discussing the root cause and where you both were in the wrong. That and the fact it's hard to be apart from each other under bad terms, as you've come to realise after the particularly bad argument you had two months ago (Kaveh demanded you both stay at your house so that he didn’t have to witness your intensified displays of affection after reconciling).
More often than not, your subject of disagreements are petty, typically resulting in revoked privileges of affection from the victim. That usually results in both sides being depraved and cranky (well, more so than usual in Alhaitham’s case) until the revoked privilege is, uh, unrevoked,
Well, it’s a good thing you both rarely argue!
--
“How could you?!” you cry out, lower lip tugged between your teeth, fists clenched and body trembling. The air between you comes to a standstill, your ears ringing from the built up pressure. “I trusted you!”
Alhaitham merely chuckles, cold and unforgiving. “That was your own mistake.”
Your eyes widen when he raises his hand, breath hitching at his enclosed fist. “Wait... No, don't—!”
And then he deals the final blow, destroying the last card remaining in your deck and effectively winning the match with a smug grin tugging his lips at your misery.
A heart-wrenching scream tore from your throat soon after.
“ARGHGHR—!”
“Well,” Tighnari sighed sympathetically from over your shoulder while Kaveh pats your back at your complete and utter defeat, “I guess that means it's Cyno and Alhaitham in the final round.”
“I won't lose,” is all Cyno says as he nods in your direction.
You nod back, empty and positively dead inside. “Go for it, Cyno.”
“Hey,” Alhaitham cuts in, turning to you with a deadpan. “Shouldn't you be cheering me on? You know, your lover?”
You don't face him. Instead, you cross your arms and scoff before turning your head to the side. "Hmph! As far as I'm aware, you're a traitor; not my lover."
“Wait, [Name]—”
In the end, Cyno did in fact win tonight's game night.
(As a result of this utter betrayal, you refused to indulge Alhaitham in any affection for the rest of the week.
It's Monday.)
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On a surface level, most would think you're the clingy one in this relationship. They're not particularly quiet about their fascination, and it's not like you actively try to hide your affection for the absolute love of your life. In fact, sometimes when you hear those whispers and murmurs you often find yourself looping an arm around his own, crashing into him for a hug, or placing a chaste kiss against his cheek.
(It's pretty fun seeing their embarrassed reactions and awkward coughs.)
But, in actuality, the clingy one in this relationship isn't you; it's Alhaitham. Your friends — Kaveh especially — can attest to this.
Take now, for example.
“Mmh,” you groan, vision bleary as a drowsy haze weighs down on your limbs. It’s warm — invitingly so — and the temptation to drift back into deep slumber seizes the corners of your consciousness. Despite the comforting lull on the cusp of coaxing you back into sleep, the heavy arms wrapped around your midsection reminds you of your original predicament. “Haitham please. I have to—”
“No.”
“But I really should be going—”
“No.”
You sigh at his insistence. When you try to remove yourself from his arms he tightens his hold, the sheets rustling at the abrupt movement. And so you try again, only to find yourself rolled over onto your back with him hovering over you on his forearms in an effort to hold you in place. 
Warmth radiates from his torso to yours, the previous invitation to sleep more rearing its head once again. Unlike the frown lines and pout settling on his features, the drowsy droop of his eyes fighting to stay open has your heart weak and thumping wildly. You quickly avert your eyes from his earnest ones in hopes of protecting your resolve.
“I can’t stay in for too long,” you mutter, gently patting his back in hopes of appeasing your lover. It doesn’t work in your favour, however, as it only seems to spur him on and bury his face into the crook of your neck. As a result, you sense your already-waning resolve crumble at his shows of affection.
“Are you saying you don’t want to stay in bed with me and have a lazy day?”
“You know that’s the farthest thing from the truth.”
“Then stay,” he grumbles into your neck, bitter and half-asleep.
In all honesty, that offer is extremely tempting. If it weren’t for the fact you took a sick leave just the other day, you wouldn’t think twice about staying in bed where it’s all warm and cosy; not to mention it’s where your Alhaitham currently lies, trying to persuade you with his top-notch linguistic skills.
Unfortunately, the world is a cruel, unfair, unjust and dark place.
“If I was off like a certain someone,” you make sure to stress, and his fingers twitch slightly against your skin, “then I would. Unfortunately, I'm not.”
“Then just take a sick leave,” Alhaitham instantly counters. He nuzzles his nose into your skin, and a light shiver trails down your spine when he begins to litter warm kisses down the column of your throat. “I'll be all alone if you leave, you know.”
You blink once, twice, yet tufts of grey and teal remain in your sights. “...Are you guilt-tripping me into staying in bed?”
“I'm merely stating the obvious.”
Yeah. You’re not cut out for a life filled with mental battles.
“You...” A defeated huff escapes you at his matter-of-fact retort, and you could have sworn the floppy strand atop his head perked up at your surrender. “Alright. You win. Happy now?”
“Very much so,” he agrees with a smile into your skin. You spend whoever knows how long like this — lying flat on your back, running your fingers through his hair and gently massaging his scalp while Alhaitham holds you under his physique, subjecting you to his morning affections and early sun-kissed confessions.
Eventually he stops, only to roll over, prop himself up on his elbow and gaze down at you. Such tender eyes would be inconceivable to anyone who’s ever so much as spoken to Alhaitham, but knowing you’re the only one to be a victim of such expressions just makes it all the more flustering.
“What is it?” you whisper. Reaching out, you gently brush away loose strands of grey hair obscuring his eyes and tuck the longer ones behind his bare ear. His hand reaches up to grab hold of yours before bringing it down to press lingering kisses against each of your fingertips.
“Nothing,” he says in response, but a soft, sleep-induced smile tugs the corners of his lips, “just admiring you.”
“…Are you trying to make me fall in love with you again?”
“Is it working?”
“Maybe…”
He chuckles at your response before pulling you into his chest, arms and legs intertwined as he presses a long kiss atop the crown of your head, imprinting unspoken affirmations containing his everlasting love for you.
“Good.”
(“Y’know, back when I could only wonder what it would be like to date you, I always thought I would be the clingy one. Sometimes, reality really is more surprising than fantasy.”
“Are you saying I’m clingy?”
“Well,” you look down at your waist encircled by Alhaitham’s arms before locking eyes with him again. “Just a little?”)
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“Ugh, it’s so cold...”
“I feel fine though.”
“Yeah, well, this isn't about you, okay? Y'know, some people aren't immune to the cold like yo— mfhm.”
“Stop talking,” he says as he fixes his scarf that's now wrapped around the lower half of your face and neck. Upon ensuring there's no gaps exposing you to the cold air, he begins his nagging, “What did I say about dressing warm? I told you you would complain about the weather but no, you said you would be fine. You even said your coat was thick enough to drown out the chill and so you only brought that. Where did that get you? Cold.”
“Okay, okay, I get it,” your whine is muffled slightly through his scarf, but you've heard enough of his reprimands to last you another lifetime. “You're right, I'm wrong. Like most times.”
He breathes a sigh, eyes softening at your half-covered features, “I'm only like this because I care for you.”
“I know. Still doesn’t make it any less annoying.”
“That’s—”
Whatever Alhaitham was about to retort with vanishes, instantly forgotten when you lean forward and wrap your arms around his waist. It’s faint, but you hear his heart rate pick up — soft palpitations drumming against your ear with a brief stutter before settling into a steady rhythm.
There’s a calm ambience that settles as you bask in his familiarity. His arms wrap around you not a moment later and he relaxes in your embrace with a soft inhale and exhale against your temple (you don’t have the heart to tease him for his heart being anything but relaxed in fear of ruining the mood).
Perhaps it’s the familiarity, or maybe it’s the cold weather and warm scarf, but a question you’ve been pondering for a while seems more than fitting for this occasion as opposed to any other.
“Is there anything you dream of or desire for the future?”
There’s a minuscule pause.
“Where's this coming from all of a sudden?”
“I dunno. I guess the cold is making me feel a bit nostalgic,” you mutter into his shoulder, leaning into his warmth. A contemplative hum resounds above you and rumbles deep from his chest, firm arms pulling you closer into him — further into your solace.
“What I desire most for the future...” he begins in a whisper, causing you to lean into him a little more to hear him clearly, “...is to lead a peaceful life with you. One where we can grow old and still be content in each other’s arms, no matter the hardships we encounter or the amount of time passed. That’s the one and only future I desire more than anything.”
Butterflies pool in your stomach, ardour fills your lungs. Ah. You blink, mind blanking and throat constricting at his soft tone and words. I forgot he can speak like this.
“Are you crying?” he asks, baffled. It’s only then you realise he’s staring at you — dual-coloured irises wide and bottom lip trembling ever so slightly.
Hastily, you turn your head and rub away the fluid collecting along your lower lashes. “I-It's because your words made me emotional! How could I not react like this when you just say something like... like that?!”
“I was just being honest.”
“That’s what makes it emotional!” you cry out. Through tear clouded eyes, the scenery becomes blurred and the colours of nature begin to smudge together; an incomplete canvas stark against the perfection before you. “Because you’re so honest with your feelings and know exactly what you want, hearing you say something like that and considering our future just... makes me really happy, y’know?”
Amidst your light sniffles, a wave of bashfulness hits you. Alhaitham seldom speaks of such things he is unsure of, even more so when they are matters pertaining to the future. He’s someone who has a clear destination paved before him, paying no heed to needless quibbles nor detours and only focusing on what lies ahead. And so perhaps it is the realisation that he harbours the same sentiment as you — the one of growing old and awaking to the other for countless mornings to come — is what brought upon this flustered feeling; one that reminds you all too much of your early-stage crushing way back when.
While the sudden urge to hide your face away from the eerily silent man is strong, Alhaitham is stronger. And quicker.
“Then what about you?” he finally asks, your arms away from your face and held in his grasp. His thumbs trail along your lower lash line and wipe away any stray tears that may have escaped your attempts.
You blink at his words, dumbfounded at the redirection, “Huh?”
“Is there anything you dream of or desire for the future?”
Your lips parting in understanding, you waste no time in answering the question with a cool glimmer against your reddened eyes and an attempt at a thumbs up while in his hold, “A comfy life with endless good food.”
“...”
Wow. The wind is really loud today, huh?
You faintly register the dull ache tugging at your cheeks before noting the lack of distance between you both. With a blank stare, Alhaitham pays no mind to your drawn-out whines of protest, opting to eye you with his signature “disappointed-but-not-surprised” expression.
“Shtop pinching my cheeks.”
“And if I don't want to?”
“You're gonna stwetch 'em!”
“And? You'd still be cute regardless.”
Your face scrunches at his words, and his hand falls from your face. “Ugh, and what do you know about cuteness?”
“Enough to know that no matter what happens, you'd still be the cutest to me.” A self-assured smirk curls his lips, seemingly proud of his statement.
“Wow...” you marvel, and he seems to take your awe in stride. Your next words, however, have him immediately regretting his admittedly sappy confession. “Does that mean you'd still love me even if I became a slime? Wait, no, a fungus?”
Your lips are forced into a pucker.
“Don't push it.”
(Alhaitham would, in fact, still love you even if you somehow became a slime or a fungus. Maybe.)
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There’s something so pleasant about not having to constantly deal with troublesome matters — more so if there’s troublesome people involved. Within the confinements of his own space, Alhaitham breezes through the paperwork needed to be signed and turned in for the day.
Despite the initial repulsion he felt when being nominated as the (Acting) Grand Sage, he has to admit the tedious work reaped various benefits after stepping down not too long ago; one of which being an increase in his pay for having been of such high standing. His goal to live a peaceful has never looked brighter than now — he's back to his easy job, his nine-to-five shifts, a lavish house to call his own (while pointedly ignoring the existence of his roommate), a quiet life with little-to-no disturbance, and now more mora under his name and secured for the unforeseeable future.
In short, life is perfect for the scribe, and nothing else could shake his peaceful life—
The door swings open and bangs against the wall. His once messily strewn papers now flutter in the air and leave you to stand in the centre of the commotion. Chest heaving with a grin splayed on your lips, you’re about to say something until you take note of the room's less than tidy state.
“Aha... Oops?”
Alhaitham can only stare blankly as you sheepishly glance around his office and the mess you created with your whirlwind of an entrance, your hand gingerly rubbing the back of your neck when avoiding his pointed gaze. You quickly fumble to gather the loose sheets that landed around you, and he spies two boxed-up meals hanging from your arms.
Right. Nothing else could possibly shake his peaceful life until you stumbled into it all those years ago, a bumbling fool whom he came to adore more than he thought possible. You, who brought him a world of unimaginable vibrancy and beauty. You, who reduced him into a state of irrationality and impulsivity just to bear witness to your heart-pounding smile (the one that never fails to send his heart madly aflutter, and yet make him believe you could single-handedly be the cause of world peace). You, who he would undeniably, undoubtedly, pluck out the stars for if it would protect you from sorrow and heartache for the rest of your life. You, who has his heart, body, and soul in the palm of your hands.
Well, if anything, you’re a key figure in his peaceful life and future life plans; to him, you’re his precious person — and he has no intentions of changing that.
--
After recollecting the scattered sheets and being on the receiving end of Alhaitham’s nags of “Don’t you know how to knock and enter like a normal person?” and “What would have happened if you dented my wall?”, you settle down with the freshly boxed-up lunches.
With your regular lunch meet-up underway, you ramble about your day while he listens, adding a comment or two here and there where he deems appropriate. It’s the usual routine; its familiarity brings you comfort like no other, and one you couldn’t imagine a world without.
Your mouth freezes open, the spoonful you were about to eat remaining stagnant midair. Alhaitham doesn’t seem to take any notice — well, if him chewing his own food in content with his small hums had anything to say about it. Oh. And the fact there’s an extremely pretty smile currently tugging his lips.
(Haha. Who gave him the right to be so breathtaking? Not you, but you’re not complaining. You’re actually thanking life for allowing you to bask in such a sight every day.)
“You have a pretty smile, Haitham.”
The words slip out before you even realise, but it’s not like you have any intentions of taking them back. And so you roll with it and perch your chin atop your palm, watching as Alhaitham freezes, cheeks flushing at your sudden compliment.
When he glances up, lips pursed and eyes narrowed cutely with embarrassment, he asks, “Do I?”
“Mhm,” you hum before reaching out and squishing his cheeks, much like he always does with you. Another laugh escapes you at his widened eyes, and you lift the corners of his lips into a mock smile with your fingertips. “So you should smile more.”
It takes him a moment to process your words but, when he does, a soft chuckle fills the air between you. He reaches up to enclose your hands in his, a gentle smile appearing naturally on his lips. “I only need to show you my smile, though.”
His response renders you silent, the tender affection seeping through his gaze consuming you whole. Sometimes, you forget Alhaitham is capable of such expressions — the ones that make it seem as though you hung up the stars and lit up the night sky.
Unsurprisingly, your heart flutters.
Hehe, that's my Haitham.
“What's got you looking so smug for?” he asks, one brow raised yet his smile remains.
“Just thinking about how lucky I am to have you in my life like this.”
“You really...” he mutters, though you don't hear the rest when you find yourself trapped in the chair, his hands gripping the armrests and caging you in. “Keep being this cute and I might never let you go.”
“Are you implying you'll let me go one day?” you tease in an effort to ignore the warmth bubbling from his words.
What you don't expect is for him to lower his head until his nose brushes against yours, a smug grin of his own decorating his lips.
“Of course not,” he says, as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world, “I'll just keep you in my arms for the rest of our lives.”
Your mind draws a blank. “...You wouldn't.”
“Would you like to bet on that?”
“Not particularly.”
That regular lunch meet-up resulted with you having a sore forehead.
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Today was a long day. All you wanted to do was to return home once your hours were over, but it seems the world was vehemently against the notion of you cuddling up to your awaiting lover (who is very much impatiently waiting for you. On your bed. On his day off). From being bombarded by scholars to the research papers that only seem to increase in height and stacks, it’s a miracle you even made it back home within the same night!
Fumbling for your key, your mind juggles between wanting to eat or going straight to bed. Upon walking through your front door and up to your bedroom, your mind is made up.
Light spills from beneath your door, the warm hue making your body relax as you enter your bedroom to see Alhaitham resting against your headboard with a book in his hands. His gaze was already on you when you opened the door, but the thick veil of drowsiness dismisses any ideas of teasing him for it. All you want is to sleep in his arms, if you’re being completely honest here.
“You’re finally back,” he states, tone softening when taking in your fatigue. You merely reciprocate with a drowsy nod before trudging over to your bed and flopping into his awaiting arms. Alhaitham huffs when you nuzzle into his chest, his book long-forgotten in his lap. “Shouldn’t you get changed and washed up?”
His words cause you to further bury your face into him. “Don’t wanna. Too sleepy.”
“That doesn’t mean you can sleep as you are now.” A sigh escapes him when you ignore his words, his fingers gently tracing hearts into your lower back. “Just change out of those clothes at least.”
“Chest... Too comfy...” The ministrations of traced hearts come to a halt. Not even a second later do you feel a dull ache push into your skin. “Ow— hey! What was that for?!”
“Oh, great,” he drones with an abundance of nonchalance, blank stare countering your wide frenzied one. “You’re awake it seems. Now you can go get dressed and wash up without issue.”
If he didn’t have such a sturdy physique, you would’ve given his chest a good whack. Well, you still did, but it doesn’t have the same effect when he isn’t phased by the action. And so you roll off Alhaitham with a pitiful whine before trudging to the bathroom in hopes of evoking some deep-rooted, immeasurably painful guilt for depriving you of your well-deserved sleep.
(Spoiler: it doesn’t. You’re pretty sure you heard him snort instead before returning to his book. Asshole.)
When you return, you’re a bit more awake than before. Despite wanting to just sleep, you figure reading something would be the quickest route to dreamland. And so you scour through your various bookshelves in search of something to read (courtesy of Alhaitham leaving his books lying around your place and making you buy two more just to organise everything). A spine with a miniature dragon embossed in glimmering gold catches your eye, its calligraphic title resurfacing memories of when you first bought it.
With eager steps you make your way to the bed and plop down beside Alhaitham, who glances at you with a raised brow at your sudden surge of energy. He doesn’t dwell on it for long though, as he re-engrossed himself in his book with you pulled against his side.
Silence enveloped the bedroom, only disturbed by the sounds of pages turning, thoughtful hums, scoffs of disbelief, and soft gasps.
Another scoff breaks you from your concentration. Glancing up, you see Alhaitham scrutinise the page he’s on with a half-scowl. He doesn’t seem to notice your change in focus, so you ask, “What’s that you’re reading?”
“‘Are we real or is life a hoax?’” he deadpans, and you don’t find yourself surprised one bit. He glances down at the book in your hand, attention diverted from the (probably) infuriating text. “And what about you?”
“‘I was mercilessly sacrificed for the greater good of the Archon War, but I’ve somehow returned back to the moment before my death and now Morax is in love with me?’” You hold up the cover depicting a woman and, who you assumed was the artist’s rendition of Morax — a cloaked figure with wisps of long hair and stunning gold eyes — kissing the back of her hand. “That’s the title of this light novel!”
Alhaitham takes a couple of seconds to just stare blankly at your grin before retorting, “Don’t let anyone from Liyue hear what you’re reading.”
“Well, it’s not like they’re meant to be historically accurate anyway,” you grumble, re-opening the page you were previously on. “And besides, do you know the sheer number of Liyue people who bought this and left good reviews? There’s so many! And there’s also...”
Alhaitham leans back as you continue rambling about the reviews, plot holes, exciting moments, emotional moments, the insane (you made sure to stress) build-up to the confession, and so on. A warm smile tugs his lips as he listens to your voice, paying half a mind to the questionable contents of the book in his hands.
The night drones on, your voice slowly dying out along with it.
“Hey, Haitham?” you call out between slurred mumbles, your eyelids steadily growing heavy. When you hear a light hum from overhead, you continue. “Can I tell you something?”
“What is it?”
“I love you.”
And then you're fast asleep, soft snores and even breaths escaping you as you fall limp against his warm chest.
Much unlike your peaceful figure, Alhaitham's brain malfunctions. There's a familiar constriction gripping his heart — stomach sent aflutter as his racing thoughts increase in tandem with the heat rapidly consuming him. Through a shaky sigh he reclines his head against your bed's headboard, his book now obscuring his face doing little to hide the blooms of crimson searing his skin.
“What did I say about you being cute...”
The night ends with you getting some much needed sleep and Alhaitham getting no sleep at all.
(When you question him on his dark circles the next morning, he merely fixates you with a deadpan stare at your gleaming, well-rested face before gently pinching your cheeks.
“And just who do you think's at fault here, hm?”
“You, for not sleeping?”
“...”)
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if you enjoyed this, then reblogs with/or comments are greatly appreciated !! <33
general taglist : @tiredsleep​​ @hannas16​​ @volexis​​ @ladycoleigh​​ @sea-of-dandelions​​ @fandangotales​​ @absolutely-rational​​ @lilikags​​ @astranne​​ @irethepotato​​ @usertsubaki​​ @anarile​​ @yanderealm​​ @kamiiyaka​​ @myaaki​​ @daphluc​​ @nachotrash​​ @hhaithamos​​ @devilishduckling​​ @obsidiannero​​ @hadesaedes​​ @duhsies​​ @garlicforthewin​​ @sassyglassesbunny​​ @uchihaeirin​​ @leena-shii​​ @sammybeefangirls​​ @falling0ut @angelkazusstuff​​​​ @raingoboomboom 
(if u would like to join my general taglist, then pls fill out this form !!)
(bolded urls means u couldn’t be tagged, so try checking ur settings/if u typed the url correctly !!)
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unorcadox · 6 months
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UNORCADOX
howdy, i'm mabel! it's the 3 year anniversary of unorcadox today, so i've prepared a decent bit of surprises. (and yes that means i started this blog in 2020, which is terrifying to think about.) i'll go into those new things under the cut, but first... check out the carrd linked in the header text of this post :3c
sooo soo so so so where on earth do i begin. uhh honestly let me just break down the new stuff first since i can talk about that more easily.
THE NEW LOOK! ok so like truth be told, i've been a faceless blog on purpose up until now. it wasn't until this summer where i actually liked how i looked or had any solid sense of my own aesthetic or what i wanted to look like. it also made it easier to protect against dysphoria and transphobes in the same breath, as no one could ever comment on any aspect of my appearance, or even the mere suggestion i even had one to begin with! but that all changes now, i'm going to actually have a presence on this blog, as it is MY blog and tbh i'm tired of being so faceless on here. that's why i've been doing more asks and non-edit posts recently, and those will increase in frequency. check out the carrd for more info, my sona's ref, and art credits for assets on here <3
mondays -> MUSIC MONDAYS! so it might come as a shock i'm actually a musician in addition to making stuff on here! i've promoted my music a couple of times by now, but nothing all that substantial. sooo, considering that, i'm going to be replacing monday oc posts with a music post! just a link to a song on my bandcamp and a little description about it. i don't really care if these perform particularly well, but i want to give people a chance to actually hear it without having to deep dive through my entire internet history to get it. i also will be releasing more soon-- whether via compilations of older work or new stuff altogether :3
MORE IN THE FUTURE! i have a couple other ideas up my sleeve, we'll see how they pan out but i wanna keep trying new possibilities on here. i think at this point i've proven my consistency, and it's about time i let myself have a little fun and explore my options. these will be announced individually but probably added here over time as this is the new pinned post lol.
----- ----- -----
ok so anyways, i do wanna have the mandatory sappy segment because of course i do. i want to say a couple of things but i'll split them into bullet points again bc yeah i do that.
this year has been really good for me and the blog, in most ways it's been the straight up best year of my life uncontested. not everything has gone perfectly, i had other plans that fell through, but hey that's just how life goes huh. at one point, i was easily projected to hit 20k by the end of the year, and now i'll be happy if i hit 17k lol. tumblr has not been that kind to my blog's growth this year and it's making me consider other options in the future, but everything's so scary rn i don't wanna commit to anything.
as for the blog itself, i've kinda been in a weird spot with it for a while. i've been scraping by on here intermittently for the entire year on and off, and i might have some ways to help keep me on top of the ball during the next year, but i also do wonder how long i can really keep doing this, and how long people will still like weirdcore and my work in particular. i've been considering branching out in terms of my presentation, or format, or style, but i feel incredibly weird about doing so.
in my personal life, this is the year i finally started transitioning and seeking treatment for my most pressing issues. i've finally started dating the love of my life, my best friend of 10 years, and despite some interpersonal turmoil all around me, i think i'm finally finding safe ground and knowing what i wanna do next. i don't really talk about it on here because i'm very private about it, but i've been kinda slowly becoming like a Real Adult Person this year. i didn't really have much of a chance to prior and i still am struggling a lot, but hey i know what i want now!
it's really silly to say but this blog still means a lot to me! it's seen me through the craziest times in my entire life, it's brought me so much perspective and knowledge and opportunities i wouldn't've had otherwise. i wake up every day and go on here and never stop feeling starstruck that people chose to follow me. i know tumblr success means nothing but to me it's the only community i've ever actually belonged to, so thank you all.
ok so like i really just don't have much else to say anymore, so i think i'll end it there! thank you all again, i can't wait for year 4 as it's going to definitely be a crazy one lol. let's hope it's a good one too!
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chiarrara · 3 months
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(part two of this ask from @distorzija-misli6 <3)
Basketball AU: I don't know as much about Basketball as I do about Baseball, so this is a good chance for me to think through positions & what each character's role on the court would be! (and decide if I want to make them taller than their canon heights)
Nobara: I talked about how Nobara likes to drive to the basket and draw (or make) fouls a lot. She's also got a good midrange shot and can make three pointers. She can play anywhere on the court, she's a really versatile player, and she always goes hard. She's also a huge shit talker. She has a reputation for elbowing, pushing, and doing anything to get the ball. Basically, the way she sees it, everyone on the other team is an enemy and she doesn't care what happens to them as long as she gets the basket & her team gets the win. She's not super sappy and motivational with her teammates, she's more into tough love. But she's also super loyal and trusts her teammates fully. I maintain she'd be a sixth man off the bench who can easily sub in for a shooting guard or a forward. (also I might bump her up to be at least 5'5" or 5'7" girly is so short)
Maki: She's a team leader. Cool headed, very skilled, hard worker--she practices more than anyone. She's great at taking charge on the court & directing plays. She's an amazing ball handler, she can dribble the ball up the court, make tough passes, get out of traps, and throw the ball in, all without making a turnover (losing the ball and giving it up to the other team). She has a natural commanding presence and her teammates look up to her and follow her lead. She is absolutely a tough love girly, though. She will tell you exactly what you suck at and need to improve, and you're not gonna get a lot of praise from her. But that just means it means even more when you do get it. Ya girl is a point guard with a good shooting arm and amazing court sense and game knowledge. (I might bump her up to 5'9" or 5'11" just to keep her height on Nobara)
Megumi: Since Megumi is also really strategic I think he started out as a point guard on the men's team, but when the teams merge, he and Maki have to compete for the spot. He kind of wants to just give it to her, but she absolutely won't let him so they play for it. Unfortunately, when it comes down to it, he just isn't as driven, is too unselfish with the ball, doesn't go all out and loses (queue Gojo-Megumi heart to heart). After that, I think he transitions to more of a shooting guard/small forward position. He's a defensive focused player, he gets near the basket to get rebounds, he creates opportunities on offense by running plays that confuse the defense, he blocks players on the other team to create scoring opportunities for his shooters. He can score from anywhere on the court, but he often passes the ball when he should be taking a wide open shot. Room for improvement. (we'll make him 6'1"-6'2"?)
Yuuji: He's a tough player, strong and athletic, but he's not fouling on purpose like Nobara does. He plays under the basket a lot, he's a strong shooter. He's got all kinds of layups, jump shots, and the occasional three. Any opportunity to dunk he's taking it. Any opportunity to block the other teams shot, he's taking it. He's extremely coachable, if you tell him to jump, he literally asks how high. Great free throw shooter because he can just turn off crowd noise & distraction and focus in. He's the notorious D1 athlete in a post game interview. His answer to everything is "we left it all on the court" or "we gave it 110%". One time he broke his nose colliding with a guy and had to wear one of those bizzare looking face guards for like a month after. (6'0" he's gotta be shorter than Megumi, sorry)
Yuuta & Toge: They're both shooting guards, knocking down three pointers. Yuuta tends to defend more under the basket because of his height where Toge is out on the perimeter. Toge's a great ball handler and can make quick passes and weave around the defense. Yuuta's great at getting in position, side-stepping, shot faking, at shooting from mid-court. They're both supportive teammates and are great cheerleaders from the bench. (Yuuta is 6'4" and Toge is only 5'10" on a good day)
Panda: He's the tallest, the biggest, and the strongest. He's posted up under the basket making layups, blocking shots, getting rebounds, and boxing dudes out so they have to take bad shots. He can go absolute beast mode on a counter attack and jump over a dude to get a slam dunk. He's the biggest morale-booster & the heart of the team. (he's still 6'7")
Shoko: She was the head coach of the women's team and when they merged, she got the position to coach the coed team. She's decisive, outwardly unemotional, and extremely effective. She doesn't pump the team up with big speeches, she's much more subtle, but she develops the relationships in practice and throughout the season so when it comes to a make or break moment, her team believes her when she says, "Well, I know you can win, so are you going to?
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AO3 Tag Game
Tagged by @playlistashton!
1. How many works do you have on ao3? 52
2. What’s your total ao3 word count? 210,919
3. What fandoms do you write for? Currently, Justified. And I'm working on a The Old Guard fic for FTH 2024.
4. Top five fics by kudos?
thought we were obvious (but nobody knew)
Hot and Cold
we got brighter lights back home
Only learned bad things
for the lovers and the broken-hearted
5. Do you respond to comments? I try to! I'm not as good about doing it for very old fics, or fics in fandoms I no longer write actively for.
6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? in the land of a thousand guilts, easily.
7. What is the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? Most of my fics tend to lean towards happy-ish endings, but we always got the fight in us stands out for being a deliberately sappy epilogue to the angst fic mentioned in #6.
8. Do you get hate on fics? Thankfully not in a very long time.
9. Do you write smut? Most of my work is fade-to-black. I only write smut on very rare occasions, and usually as a gift for someone lol.
10. Craziest crossover? My Family is Just Right For Me. It's kinda cringe but I had fun writing it.
11. Have you ever had a fic stolen? Not word for word, but I did have someone lift two of my older fics scene for scene, basically rewriting mine in their own words. They even had the gall to list mine as "inspired by."
12. Have you ever had a fic translated? Yep. A few into Chinese and one into Korean, I believe.
13. Have you ever co-written a fic before? Once, a very long time ago. It was not very good and has thankfully been lost to The Pit (ff.n).
14. All time favorite ship? This depends entirely on what fandoms I'm currently invested in 😂 Right now it's definitely Givenson for Justified.
15. What’s a wip you want to finish but doubt you ever will? I don't post unfinished fics.
16. What are your writing strengths? Dialogue and characterization.
17. What are your writing weaknesses? Action sequences, transitions, and trusting my audience.
18. Thoughts on dialogue in another language? It depends. Used gratuitously, it's grating. But I've seen it used well when a character is canonically bilingual, or when the author is trying to make the reader feel as lost/confused as the POV character, similar to movies with foreign dialogue that choose not to include translated subtitles. There are also some languages that have words that just don't carry over well into English; Thai, for example, has a bunch of honorifics that can add important context about relationships and would naturally be included in dialogue canonically, but the closest English translations would read awkwardly at best.
19. First fandom you wrote in? The Slayers, waaaay back when I was a little pre-teen.
20. Favorite fic you’ve written? Right now, either safe place to land or in the land of a thousand guilts. Hot and Cold was really fun, too.
Zero pressure, only if you want to tags: @itookyoudown, @almost-a-class-act, @skelingtonsderek, & @topcatnikki
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bookshelf-in-progress · 5 months
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My Favorite Lines from Each of the Stories I've Written This Year
There will be spoilers.
Without Words
I've said that my favorite line is:
Even now, I am silent. But my silence fills with the sound of beating wings.
But I think my favorite might actually be the ending (a contender for one of the best endings I've written).
There are no words to express all I want to say. Fortunately, we have never needed words. I force my way past my brothers, throw my arms around Christian's neck, pull him in for a kiss, and let my silence speak for me. This time, he understands.
Purity of Mind
Either this hint at Adam's fairy tale identity.
Adam stroked his blue-black whiskers, neatly trimmed for his homecoming. A deep chuckle rumbled in his throat; after months of her tiptoeing around him, her frankness was amusing. "I paid your parents richly for the privilege."
Or this chilling reveal of it.
He would never have opted for such an impersonal death. It was much more satisfying to feel the life draining away beneath his fingers.
Length of Years
I like how concisely I managed to summarize the lifetime of events that kept the prince from returning to the tower.
"I might have returned, when my temper cooled, but then there were the wars, the diplomatic missions, the voyages, the marriage treaty, the children..." He sat wearily on her window ledge. "By the time life slowed down, I assumed you'd long ago moved on, and it would have been disloyal to seek you out."
Loving Memory
I love the beautiful irony of this scene ending.
"What would she need to do to make you love her? What would you want in a wife?" Someone who can come into a ballroom clad in furs and not feel shame. Someone who knows how to laugh and cry. Someone who loves to watch the northern lights. Someone who travels night and day to apologize to a man she betrayed. In the end, I choose the diplomatic answer. "I don't know that I can ask for more than what I already have."
My very favorite part might be the flashbacks. I wanted this part to involve the usual scenes from the beginning of the fairy tale, but was afraid this would involve a lot of extra writing. So I love that I managed to do it with five two-sentence-long scenes.
As sappy as it is, I can't help loving their reunion. (Even if I don't think "senseless" is the word I was going for here.)
"Karina," I breathe. "I remember." "Everything?" she asks, as tears stream down her face. "Everything," I say, and kiss her senseless.
And my very most favorite part might be their quiet scene together afterward, where he's rejoicing in their reunion in ways that put me in mind both of Manalive and the Eden/salvation story.
My own. My beloved. My wife. It is like falling in love all over again.
In Chains
Of course it's the moment of reveal.
Vallen met the young man’s eyes and explained as calmly as possible, “I admire your devotion, but the river is only strictly required in the marriage rite—” Of kings.
A Song of Starlight
The last part of this line was always central to my idea of the story, but I also love the opening clause that let me transition to that moment.
After eternity had come and gone, the song slowed and faded away, and Birgit was herself again--cold and alone, but no longer afraid.
Stars and Shadows: A Fairy Tale
Even when I was uncertain about the readability of this strange style and feeling self-conscious about posting it, I thought the entire story was worth it just for this line.
Your breath will shine before you in delicate white clouds, your very life made visible for the fragile, lovely thing it is.
The True Story: An Epistolary Novelette
I love Penny's relatable line about the horrors of recommending books.
It's always a little bit horrible when someone else reads one of your favorite books, because if they hate it, it crushes a piece of your heart, and I don't have that many pieces to spare.
I like this line of Ben's, which clarified some things about the philosophy of this story for me.
Making peace with mystery--knowing that some things are ever unknowable--is not the same as refusing to believe the truth that comes before your eyes.
And this one (which let me get a bit more theological than I thought I could get away with).
I may not know how these books come into my shop, but I know from whom.
Penny's freakout over the loss of Mercator always makes me laugh.
If the U.S. Postal Service is responsible for their destruction, I'll...we'll...we'll make them pay! This is a murder and there must be justice! Don't worry, I don't blame you. But the next mailman to cross my path better watch out.
As does this follow-up one.
Still no sign of Mercator. Did you forget to send it again, or do I have to lay siege to the post office?
I love this moment because Ben surprised even me by unbending and talking like an ordinary person with a sense of humor instead of a Victorian businessman with a stick up his rear.
This is me not saying I told you so. That doesn't leave me much else to say.
This is my favorite description of Cardinal's Map I've managed so far.
It's the most beautiful...well, not fantasy. But it's not not fantasy.
I'm very pleased with how Christine's reaction to Cardinal's Map turned out, but my favorite lines might be
It's like this book reached into my soul and rearranged the furniture.
And
It's just...a story, so I let my guard down and it got under my skin.
And this. Even if it gets a bit on-the-nose and sappy, it's still kind of sweet. (And it amused me while typing it because the author's hand in all this is me.)
There was someone's hand in all this--an author arranging all the pieces of the story in a way I'd never have been able to achieve on my own. Maybe before that'd make me feel helpless, but now, I don’t know, I guess I feel cared for. Like someone’s watching out for me.
The Sylph in the Storm
I've always liked this reveal.
Then the firelight revealed what the night had hidden. Though the man stood as tall and real and human as any of us, the light shone through him.
This scene with Captain Avery was one of my favorites in the original version, and was a big reason I kept coming back to this scene and loved it enough to try to turn it into a short story here.
“Sarah,” the Captain said suddenly, “could you pour some tea for our guest?" Tea? For a sylph?  I didn't understand how he could consume anything, but the Captain knew about these sorts of things.  And when faced with the question of what one did with a sylph in the parlor, tea seemed as sensible an answer as anything else. The sylph stood and tried to decline. "That's very kind, but you needn't..." The Captain's face was as firm as it ever could have been when he'd commanded a ship.    “You've form enough to take food, and you're tired enough to need it.” “I can't take repayment...” “Good,” the Captain replied, “because none of us have any hope of repaying you.  But you need to allow us our gratitude, and you'll need nourishment before you can do much else.”
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pukner · 2 years
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✨masterpost of my works✨
posted to my ao3
[this post is subject to editing in the future]
Since I intend on using Tumblr a bit more now, and because I like neat lists, I thought it'd be prudent do make a little list of what I have out on ao3 right now!
My name's Looth, and I am ENTIRELY at the whims of my hyperfixations. I'm on twitter and pillowfort by the same handles, but I rarely use the latter.
fandoms: Stranger Things, Our Flag Means Death, The Witcher (Netflix) and Good Omens
[list under the cut!]
fanfiction
Good Omens:
A Nanny? In MY Summoning Circle?
A twoshot wherein Warlock Dowling meets his Nanny again, via the very normal uni student past time of trying to summon a demon with a book you found in a dodgy bookshop. Very fluffy, genderqueer Warlock.
[Complete] 2/2, 10.5k
The Witcher (Netflix):
The Viscount
[geraskefer endgame]
A 5+1 that works on the premise that "I'm from Lettenhove" is a sort of codeword in the royal class for children that have fallen out of grace with their court/family? And the higher your rank in Lettenhove, the worse the thing you have done is? Lots of Jaskier shenanigans, aggressive found family and genderfluid Jaskier.
Based on a post by @artistsfuneral.
[WIP] 3/?, 1.3k
build me up, buttercup [rated M]
[geraskefer endgame]
A longfic I've been chipping away at since 2020, dear God. Features Jaskier and Yen being fake married and co-parenting Ciri, Geralt getting adopted, the found family inherent to bards and the city of Oxenfurt, ftm Jaskier and Ciri having a well-deserved identity crisis. Also, ocs galore, gratuitous academia, and also Valdo Marx is immortal and Jaskier's annoying best friend.
Geraskefer endgame. My baby, who I will return to as soon as I am able.
[WIP] 15/?, 64k
Our Flag Means Death:
the inertia series [rated E]
a three-part series following Israel Hands as he attempts to move on from the things keeping him trapped in amber, unable to grow.
[steddyhands endgame]
[Complete] 62.9k
1. love like a dog on a leash
Izzy Hands encounters an old friend in the form of Sam Bellamy, Ed starts a barfight, and Stede learns some backstory.
All of these men are haunted in some way.
1/1, 5.5k
2. open season
Izzy Hands finds himself inexplicably being courted by various pirates to be their first mate. No one has addressed that fact that he isn't looking for a new Captain; he already has two. Steddyhands endgame, features some Jackhands.
A long look at the dynamics between Ed and Izzy, and now Stede, and the older dynamics of Ed, Izzy, Calico Jack Rackham and Sam Bellamy. Actually, it's a look at Izzy himself, and his various traumas and the way he's transitioning from being in a Black Sails type dark genre to this weird muppet land everyone else on this ship seems to live in.
7/7, 44.5k
3. red sky at morning
An epilogue, wherein the boys all contend with the future on the horizon; the good and the bad of it.
1/1, 11.9k
stranger things
[my current hyperfixation send help]
Eddie Munson and the Dreamboy
[steddie]
Wherein Eddie and El traverse the inside of Steve's mind, and encounter various Steves at different points in his life trying to find where he's hidden himself to escape Vecna's final curse.
A 5+1, featuring Steve's Scoops Ahoy flirting, a little baby Steve, and El's hair.
[Complete] 1/1, 8k.
Dustin Henderson and the Lovebirds
[steddie]
Five times Dustin Henderson was subjected to Eddie Munson being gross and sappy and in love with Steve Harrington, and one time Steve didn't even have to be there.
Features Steve being serenaded, Eddie Munson's Roger Rabbit Impression, Steve's Tiny Gym Shorts, and a good old fashioned worm conversation. Also, gay dnd.
[Complete] 1/1, 9.7k
always burning, world keeps turning
a two-part series set in a soft post-apocalyptic Hawkins, where community and family keep everyone going. And Steve and Eddie kiss about it.
[steddie]
[WIP]
1. took you for a working boy
In a post-apocalypse, mildly nightvale-flavoured Hawkins, Steve and Eddie are the only ones who aren't aware they're dating. Steve does not have a gender crisis but does have a lot of difficulty finding the words for it all, Eddie is oblivious but earnest (and running a radio show, Dr. Death Defying or Cecil Palmer style), Steve and Robin are ACTUALLY soulmates, and everyone's doing their best.
I cannot stress how much everyone thinks they're already dating. Featuring genderqueer Steve, disaster gay Eddie, scheming younger teens, and lots of stobin fluff.
[complete] 6/6, 43.8k
2. hometown blues
The sequel to working boy, wherein Gareth, Vickie and Steve's mom encounter how fucking weird Hawkins has got in their absence, and take it with varying degrees of grace.
[WIP] 3/? 17k
off-script
Wherein Steve Harrington has his sexuality all figured out, Eddie's in comically heavy denial, and everything rapidly snowballs from there.
[steddie]
1. off the beaten path
Wherein Steve figures out he's bi before Eddie figures out he's gay, but Eddie STILL manages to fall first.
Features Steve talking himself though discovering his sexuality in approximately five minutes while on the phone with a baffled Jonathan, and him aggressively flirting with the local metalhead. He's also very good at being an unreliable narrator.
It ALSO features said local metalhead (who thinks himself straight) accidentally flagging, calling Steve Harrington princess in a totally straight way, and doing the ttrpg equivalent of doodling your crush's name on a notebook over and over. Also, somehow he's convinced himself he just hates Steve.
This won't end badly for anyone, I'm sure.
[Complete] 6/6, 34.2k
2. no boys allowed
Robin Buckley has her very first Girls' Day. She gets her hair braided, consoles her heartbroken best friend, and everyone muddies the water a bit on the exact definition of what a Girl is.
Steve Harrington has a good cry about Eddie Munson.
[Complete] 1/1, 7.5k
3. here be dragons
Eddie Munson has kissed a boy, and now he has to handle the fallout. He's got to grapple with the fact that he likes boys, likes a boy, and the harrowing fact that he may have inadvertently broken said boy's heart.
Or, a rapidly snowballing fic that's become a series of character studies by accident. Features Mike Wheeler kicking Eddie's ass into gear, ruminations on being a fashion-assigned dom, Steve Harrington's Various Abandonment Issues, and a surprise Tommy Hagan.
[WIP] 6/?, 38.9k
original works:
court of law
A mildly unhinged second person pov piece about a person going to college and finding that he's trapped in a bizarre dreamscape with no memories. And a new body. He accidentally steals a cute boy's name.
Lots of shenanigans, lots of gender and bad jokes.
[WIP] 6/?, 13k
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basicallyahedgehog · 1 year
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A Year Of Me
I have a 2022 in fic post half-finished for later, but I’m feeling self-indulgent and also sappy from some sweet messages. So I’m doing this too.
I walked into 2022 identifying as a cisgender, heterosexual, allosexual, alloromantic woman. I would have told you I was an LGBTQIA+ ally, but I honestly knew very little about the community, our history, or anything related to transition, coming out, etc etc etc.
I read queer fanfic like it was an illicit drug - terrified of being caught, but even more afraid of having it taken away. I trawled tags and realists and bookmarks for characters that were trans, nonbinary, ace, and every other form of queer identity I could think of. I tried to ignore how much they felt like home.
In March I came out to myself,y husband and my mum as ace. For the first time in a very long time I didn’t feel like I was broken just because I didn’t want what the world told me I should. I wasn’t a bad wife, I was ace. It was freeing.
On the 29th May I finally let myself think the words “I’m not Cis”. It took a few more weeks of trying out different things, but by mid-June I identified as nonbinary, used they/them pronouns, joined the most incredible group of people over at the magical trans server, and even came out to a couple of select coworkers. I wrote my first trans character, and got gifted the most beautiful ace fic that still makes me cry.
The months of July through October were murky and full of confusion and tears over my orientation and my gender - things I thought I’d figured out already. I realised I’m demiromantic, and also bi. I started wearing pronoun and pride pins to work, and found the two sweetest allies in my uni students.
I found the term “fluidflux” and cried. By mid-November I started playing around with pronouns again and settled on “genderfluid nonbinary” as a term that finally felt like all of me. I started a new job on the 28th. On the 29th I came out to my supervisor and team leader, gave them permission to tell relevant colleagues so I didn’t have to come out twenty times, and got my pronouns put on my email signature.
In December I’ve survived going stealth for a two week family holiday, chosen a new name, and been overwhelmed by the love and support flooding into my notifs and DMs.
I don’t know what 2023 will bring. I can’t imagine it bringing a greater number of discoveries than 2022, but I also know never to say never! I certainly know that I am so much more myself today than I was on Jan 1 2022.
I know this was super self indulgent. And if you made it this far, thank you. But also, thank you for all the love and support over the last 12 months. Without each and every person in my little fandom bubble, I wouldn’t be who I am today. Some have been particularly instrumental but I I start tagging I’m afraid I’ll miss someone. You know who you are.
So I’ll end this with all my love, and best wishes for a wonderful, authentic 2023
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vampstel · 1 year
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Haha I'm back from school More asks even though it's Past Valentine's Day (Last one for now ^^;) 1. How would Past Rei (Before Transition) and Lawrence feel about their present self? 2. How does Rei feel about his Mother Now? 3. How Do Rei and Lawrence feel about The "Gay" Stereotypes? 4. How many AUs Do you have of them? 5. What are their Likes? (List as many as you please) 6. What made them grow out their hair (If they had any reason) 7. What Skills do they have that nobody knows of? -Dreamist
A little late to these but better late than never
1. I feel like Past Rei would be very shocked by his present self. Past Rei is timid, insecure and unsure of who he is while Present Rei expresses himself confidently and talks so eloquently. It amazes him to see how his older self is thriving and it gives him hope that his life will be better some day. Past Rei and Present Rei interacting would be so sweet and sappy. I just imagine Rei reassuring his past self that everything will be okay and— wuUUUUUU 😭😭
Past Lawrence would be even more shocked at his present self. Past Lawrence is an absolute sweetheart, very extroverted and a little clumsy at times while Present Lawrence is the complete opposite of that. His present self is more brash, strict, but elegant. Past Lawrence would be gushing about how cool his older self is, and I think present Lawrence would be a little embarrassed about it but he finds it endearing. Even if he’s become a bit of a jackass, he‘s still a softie at heart just like his younger self.
2. Rei feels indifferent to her now. What once was anger, fear, and hatred, turned into nothing. Maybe a little sympathy but that’s it. He’s cut ties with Ryoko completely and so has his father. They’ve both shut that chapter in their lives happily.
3. Depends what stereotypes we’re talking about but I think they’d both find them hilarious. Some stereotypes fit them and they like to point and laugh at each other about it LOL
Just imagine Rei scrolling through social media and he starts snickering cause he sees a post about a bi stereotype that fits Lawrence to a T. Or imagine Lawrence trying to contain his laughter when he sees Rei do the most stereotypical, gayest thing he’s ever done. I love them SO much they’re so cute
4. GOD... WHERE DO I START?? The first AU I had of them was Genshin, of course, since that's where Rei used to be. Then I have the vampire AU because “Lawrence is inspired by Alucard, might as well imagine him being a vampire as a joke.” and it stopped being a joke. At one point, I had an AU where Lawrence was a bard that fell in love with merman Rei. Then an AU where both of them are royalty and got married for the sake of their kingdoms. It ends with them falling in love with each other
The one I’ve been writing about the most is the Vampire AU. The two husbands have an interesting dynamic in that AU and I kinda want share it someday...
5. Rei and Lawrence both like sweets (Lawrence doesn’t like to admit it though). They’re also both cat people. Lawrence really likes history, mystery books, and coffee. Rei really likes mythology, flowers (blue roses especially), and strawberries
6. Rei always liked having long hair, but had to cut it short due to gender dysphoria. Once he started hormone therapy, he grew out his hair again. Sometimes he cuts it shoulder length (like my icon) since his hair grows out fast. Lawrence had pretty long hair as a kid and liked how he resembles his mother because of it. So he refuses to have it cut short, especially now that he’s an adult and his mother is deceased
7. Lawrence has this odd skill with spinning his conductor’s baton (which, of course, he doesn’t do while conducting). He does it as a stim and only Rei has seen him do it. Rei’s got almost inhumane hearing and it’s insane. There’s this one video of Zenitsu’s VA where he guesses the right amount of money that drops to the floor. I associate Rei and Allen with that video
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Don’t Take Pictures on the Underground - TEASER
A sappy little yarn with Bellamione children going Mother’s Day shopping, a transit cop having just the weirdest day, and Bella being lazy. https://www.patreon.com/posts/67639474 ===== Something is ringing. Something is ringing loudly.
Bella jerks the duvet up past her head. She reaches for her wand, hoping to find it strapped to her thigh with a loop of Peruvian Vipertooth hide as smooth as a kiss--Hermione's gift for Beltane.
Nothing. She slides her hand across the sheets--cheaper and rougher than she deserves, but so sweet, perfumed in woman and vanilla and coconut, warm from her wife's body--until she finds her wand holster. It had come off at some point, and she doesn't put her holster on sloppy. People have died trying to knock it off her by blade, curse, even their fists. Yet there it is, tangled around her ankle amidst the straps of that marvelous contraption Hermione wore last night--she is sore in the sweetest ways--still slick to the touch with lube potion.
Turns out the trick to disarming the mad witch Bellatrix Lestrange was to fuck her wand off her.
Who knew?
"Tempus," she mutters.
She draws a silencing rune on her pillow and rolls back over.
=====
"Come on," Fionn snarls at her mobile. "Pick up..."
Lavender looks at her over the rack of bathrobes and fluffy blankets, pulling a curtain of razor-straight golden hair away from her face and sticking it up into a short mohawk with a flick of the wand. Her eyes--caramel brown, so gentle--catch Fionn's a moment too long, then a smile lights up her face.
Don't stare, Fionn scolds herself. The Black blood in her simmers and thickens, some buried madness already plotting exactly how to snog Lav senseless, rip her clothes off, throw her best friend to the bed and ruin her. The Granger in her fixates on the mis-aligned buttons of Lav's shirt--Luna would probably encourage that--and hopes she fixes them before Gabrielle catches her.
She never thought she'd meet someone who knew more about fashion than Aunt Fleur, but apparently the elder Delacour daughter is the slob in the family, frightening as that might be.
"Problem?" Lav asks. Probably asks. Sure, her lips had moved, glistening with too much apricot gloss, with a smile crinkled blue eyes rimmed in pale green eyeshadow. Like a sapphire glinting in the night as will-o-wisps to lure Fionn in. She's too busy swooning and has lost the plot. Goddess of Crows and Blades, she's beautiful.
"I can't believe she even has a mobile. Big Bad B herself, pawing at some Muggle gadget."
"You underestimate what she'll do for mum," Fionn grumbles. "You've never been stuck listening to it."
"Well. She is shut in all day. Poor thing."
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upsidedownwithsteve · 2 years
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Hey Emmy! Hope you’re doing well. Just wanted to reach out and say thanks for all of your writing and everything about you and your blog! I found your fics earlier this year when I was going through a super weird transition in my life (that sounds very dramatic but you know just the usual ups and downs of your late 20s lmao) anyway they brought me a lot of solace and got me into the ~Steve fic world which has been very comforting in so many different ways. I just find the atmosphere in your fics and your blog as a whole to be so soothing and welcoming and sweet and I always look forward to (and am endlessly grateful for) any of the new writing you post. You’ve really just helped me see some things in a different perspective (namely the summertime and the heat which I usually am not a fan of LMAO) and I’m just really thankful to have found your blog and being able to keep up with you for these past few months! ANYWAY this is very long and annoying (and way too sappy I’m a wee bit embarrassed) but just wanted to send you some love!! 💕💕💕
this is so, so lovely and so kind, babe! thank you so much, I’ll never get over these kinds of messages, they warm my wee heart. thank you so much for reading and being so nice ily 😭🧡
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chococookiez · 6 months
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nightly ptv posting in random places until i see them live (123 days left!!) - not in the greatest place rn as this cold covid continues to fuck with me both physically and mentally so im gonna get really sappy and talk about how significant each album is to me cause i could write a whole essay on this. under cut cause this is gonna be long
collide with the sky was the album that got me into this band. one of my irl friends was reposting tiktoks about them, i heard the hell above transition and instantly ran to them for recommendations cause i was HOOKED. that night i think i listened to them for around 3 and a half hours straight, i think i went through the entirety of collide, selfish machines and afftd (im not sure if i finished afftd or if i looked at misadventures yet) and the only thing that stopped me from continuing the binge was a massive headache that came over me. hold on till may inspired two of my ocs as i imagined them taking the roles of both people in the song, their personalities and how that'd fit into an existing universe we (me and my friends) had. they're still the two ocs i think about the most since i connect them with ptv very often and - yknow, hyperfixation. fun fact: i timed the "im sorry but ive made up my mind" in bulls in the bronx to happen when it hit midnight on my birthday. no clue why, just thought it was cool ig
the jaws of life was the first album i owned physically, accidentally managing to acquire both the cd and the vinyl on my birthday (cd was spotted in hmv, vinyl was my grandma's gift. there's a certain cashier at that hmv that i think happened to be working that day who shares my music taste, they recommended my dad listen to them since he said he got the cd for me lmaoo) the songs on that album were the first ones my parents heard, as my dad's car has a cd player so i popped it in on the way back home. much later on due to some shenanigans involving a shitbox car thats best music source was cds and oh look ptv is the one band my mum didn't mind listening to and i had 2 of their cds (i'll talk about that later), it ended up becoming her favourite album of theirs so we'd very often listen to it on journeys even when she got her car back as it was one of the few things we shared taste wise after i took a dive bomb into rock/metal, so while its my least favourite in terms of songs as im writing this (i don't dislike them!! some of my faves are on there!!), im incredibly sentimental towards it regardless.
misadventures was the second album i owned physically, finding the cd buried in a local record shop (it has the acoustic bonuses on it!!), and i think i can sorta call it my favourite album of all time. almost every single song in that album has been put on loop at least once (i mean that very literally. every single one. except sambuka? idk, just wasn't in my head as much...) it was also involved in the shitbox car shenanigans which might have influenced my love for it too. the divine zero in particular had (and still has tbh) a strong chokehold on me, being a little too relatable for me as i was going through a very dark patch in life that im not sure is entirely over yet actually, though it at least feels like it might be. i still can't listen to that song only one time whenever it comes on, i have to replay it at least once. it was my top song on spotify and i barely even fucking use spotify. can you tell im normal about the divine zero?
tl;dr - ptv are cool. im normal about them. thumbs up emoji.
a flair for the dramatic and selfish machines, while not having a big long story behind them, have been incredibly important to me during The Cold Covid as their songs are the main ones im obsessed with currently. some noteworthy songs off them are she sings in the morning/yeah boy and doll face (ok this one's kinda silly: i found out people found the first song through osu which i hadn't played in ages and these two was some of the first plays i got in a very long time so i currently hold them very close. fun fact: i like rhythm games!), wonderless/chemical kids and mechanical brides (INCREDIBLY calming to me, go tos when i need to lower my energy levels), million dollar houses (very closely connected to one of the two hold on till may connected ocs) and fast times at clairemont high (ok it's just a banger to me. the high notes make me fucking feral and i listened to the song 10 times in a row once. oops)
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xiaq · 3 years
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That’s so cute that you’re dating your friend! ☺️ I’m curious though, how did that transition happen? Did you go from platonic friends to dating or was it like a flirty, I’ve always liked them as more than friends to dating? How does one even start that conversation to tell their friend that they like like them
What started as a quick answer has now turned into a small novel with a whole lot of sappy drivel at the end. So uh. Enjoy.
Once upon a time, X moved to Dallas, but dearly missed her rock climbing friends back in Austin. So every other month or so, she’d go back for a long weekend visit and climb. B was one of her climbing friends over the years she spent in grad school. She had a low-key crush on him because he was a genuinely good person (climbing with someone tells you a lot about how they handle physical challenges as well as the full spectrum of human emotion), but she didn’t think he had the slightest interest in her. When the pandemic hit, she moved back to Austin to finish grad school remotely. Due to the pandemic, she had a small group of friends who more or less isolated together; she and B started spending more time together— climbing, hiking, game nights, and playing D&D (you also learn a lot about a person through a campaign!), and generally hanging out and talking. She might have actually Attempted (likely terrible) Flirting was it not for her imminent move to Colorado.
They stayed in contact during the year that X was in CO, and after the relatively disastrous end to the nearly 5-month relationship she had while in CO, B gave her an A+ hug her upon her return to Austin over Christmas break. He also was extra nice to her during D&D despite the fact that their characters were usually fighting (She played a chaotic neutral thief-turned-bard. He played a lawful good ranger). He (and all of her climbing/D&D friends) (with varying levels of tact) did their best to cheer her up post-breakup and it was very sweet.
They started texting a bit more once she returned to CO, and he visited (with one of their other climbing friends) before she moved back to Austin. She still didn’t think he was interested, and after her prior relationship, she wasn’t interested in dating anyway (she actually said to her BFF, K, at that point, that she wasn’t going to date anymore and it was a relief to stop caring about what other people thought about her/expected of her. She cut off her hair and dyed it purple and told her dog it’d just be them from there on out)
Except, once she moved back to Austin, she was spending an awful lot of time at B’s place. At the end of a climb, he’d invite over for dinner, or to swim at Barton Springs. And then there weren’t even climbs involved and he was inviting her to play pickleball or watch hockey playoffs. It was a lot of time. Like, a lot. More than she was usually comfortable spending with someone because she liked her alone time and very quickly got “peopled-out” and needed to recharge by herself (preferably with a book). Except she didn’t get tired of spending time with him. But aside from hugs goodbye that tended to linger, she still didn’t get any indication from him that he was interested in a romantic relationship (ok, laying it out like this, I do feel a little dense, now).
Finally, after dinner one night, he carefully told her that he was interested in making their relationship a romantic one. X was conflicted. She’d liked him for a long time in that abstract it’ll-never-happen-so-it’s-ok-if-I’m-a-little-infatuated way and realizing that it COULD happen was pretty damn scary. Especially because she had some…not healthy expectations about what a relationship would entail, at that point. She laid out her concerns (tried to talk him out of it), and he validated those concerns while also telling her exactly how he’d like to approach them while pursuing a relationship. She was too selfish to say no. Because over the years she’d seen him in all sorts of situations and she’d talked to him about everything from religion and politics to moral/ethical dilemmas to the inadequacies of the film adaptations of the Marvel universe. And he'd seen her in all those same situations and apparently still liked her even when she was at her sweatiest, grumpiest, sleep-deprived worst, so she had a whole lot of evidence that they were compatible. Also, she really wanted to kiss the freckles on his nose and that’s not really a friend-sanctioned activity.
A month in, she was pretty sure she was in love with him.
Two months in, she was definitely sure.
Three months in, she is the happiest she’s ever been in a relationship. She’d always heard that relationships were work, and they are! Two people negotiating life together will always take work. But she always thought that the simple act of being with someone was also supposed to be work. She’s realized that’s not the case, now.
Because being with B is easy. It’s like having a best friend who you go on adventures with, but then at the end of the day you also get to lay on top of them while you watch the Olympics and they’ll pet you and give you a mohawk and talk about how you’d make a very lovely troli doll, and then you hold hands while taking the dog for a last nighttime walk. And when you get back, you clean the kitchen together and intentionally get in each other’s way so you have to stop to kiss for a bit with soap suds on your hands, and later you shower together without being anxious because you know that when they touch you it’s because they just want to touch you, not because they're going to demand anything else. And you go to bed and they sprawl on top of you like a particularly warm, fond, anchor, and ask you about obscure literary or history facts, or you ask them about places they’ve traveled or favorite memories until your voices are rough and you’re ready to sleep. And in the morning you wake up with your best friend. With your foreheads pressed together and your legs tangled and maybe you have sex, but maybe you don’t and it doesn’t even matter because the important thing is that you get to spend another day together.
Okay, I’m getting off track, here. But that was the transition in a not-so-brief nutshell. And I don’t know how one is supposed to start the conversation, but B started it with, “Have you ever thought about us dating?” Best question I’ve ever been asked, tbh.
10/10 do recommend dating a friend.
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takenbyheartstrings · 4 years
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Burden | corpse x reader
Summary: You and Corpse get into a nasty fight, which ends in broken hearts.
Pairing: Corpse x Fem!reader
Warnings: Swearing, Angst, Fluff
Authors Note: cried, laughed and cried again during this lmao. i just wanna give him a hug 🥺
requests are open!! <3
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You groaned loudly, you and Corpse were in a heated fight, his symptoms started to flare, but he didn’t care, and neither did you.
You groaned loudly, your frustration bubbling, “Babe! I don’t care that you don’t wanna take pictures with me, I don’t fucking care that we can’t go outside, I don’t fucking care if I can’t show you off, because I love you.”
“Y/N YOU’RE NOT GETTING IT,” Corpse sighs, “Every fucking day I feel like I’m a burden to you. I feel like you can do so much better than me. BECAUSE YOU CAN. I FEEL LIKE I’M A FUCKING BURDEN.”
“I DON’T WANT BETTER THAN YOU. THERE IS NO BETTER THAN YOU AND YOU ARE NOT A BURDEN.” Pools of clear, salty water filled your eyes.
Corpse groaned, matching your frustration, “I’m just worried that I can’t give you the life you want, and I want you to have better. No, fuck that I need you to have better.”
“What does that mean for us then. I want you and you want me to have better than you.”
“I STILL WANT YOU Y/N, but I can’t fucking live with the fact that I couldn’t give you want you need. That I never can.”
You were in shock and you knew what was coming for the two of you, you just didn’t want to believe it at all and it was so fucked up and terrible and you knew you wouldn’t be able to live without this man. Your anxiety wouldn’t be able to handle that you weren’t with him anymore. Your breath became heavy, as you felt a weight on your heart. Your stomach shrunk and you felt so constricted by yourself. You shook your head at him, from the opposite side of the bed as both of you were on either side.
“We’re over, we’re done. Live a better life without me in it, y/n. As long as you’re happy, I won’t regret it.” Tears ran down the boy’s skin.
You weren’t angry anymore, you were anxious, you were in sobs, “Fine,” Corpse face fell when the word came out of your mouth.
You turned around and opened the closet that held the both of your clothes. Taking off Corpe’s sweater that you were currently wearing, throwing it at him, taking all your clothes out of the closet, opening a duffle bag shoving everything inside of it. Putting on another shirt to cover up the bra that covered your chest. You couldn’t believe he would end things with you. After all you guys have been through.
You convinced him to move out to L.A. when most of your friends had made the same exact transition. You got him to open up to you without even trying in the first two weeks of knowing him. You were the first person he showed his face before he showed the rest of your friends. He said I love you first and was okay with it when you were hesitant about saying it back, even though you said it three days later without even knowing you had. You were both sat in bed and he said “You said it back.” “Said what back?” “I love you. You said it, this morning when you hung up the phone.”.
After throwing the duffle bag over your shoulder, you looked at him once more, “I’ll be back tomorrow to get the rest of my things, my PC, my set up, all of it. You can keep the TV, you can keep everything else, I just need my set up.”
“Done. See you tomorrow.” Corpse sighed, taking a seat on what had been a shared bed, was now his. He couldn’t believe he was sleeping in the king bed the two of you had bought because you were one of the biggest bed hog’s he had ever met. You walked out and he looked down at the f/c coloured bed sheets you had convinced him to let you put on, even though he preferred the black ones, but you let him have the wall behind the two of you black and helped him painted the room. As well as painting the walls of his gaming room black too.
You got into your little Honda Civic, as you drove for around 15 minutes finally reaching Rae’s house. You told yourself you wouldn’t break down in front of her, but you knew that you would. You got out of your car, and closed the door as you walked up to Rae’s front door. Knocking on it, she didn’t answer at first but you looked down at the clock on your phone, noticing that it was 12:00am. Although she might’ve been sleeping, she could’ve been streaming.
So you knocked again, and she opened the door, her bedroom room was lit up from what you could see, and she was streaming. She noticed the duffle bag and let you in, placing a finger to her lips telling you to whisper. Running back to her stream room.
“Well guys! I’m getting tired so, I’m gonna end it here, goodnight!” She said cheerily. Before shutting off her PC and ending the stream walking back out into her living room to see you sitting on the couch. You were in sobs.
“He ended it, Rae, he ended things with me and I can’t br-breath.” You said taking a deep breath as she sat down next to you pulling you close to her. “How am I supposed to go and get my things tomorrow, I can’t even think about him without crying and picturing his smile and hearing his laugh and crying. What hurts even worse is the fact that he didn’t even want to end it, he ended it because he said I could do better. When I can’t get better than him.”
“What makes him say that?” She asks.
“He thinks he’s holding me back. He thinks because he doesn’t show his face online, he doesn’t want to leave the house, he thinks he’s holding me back and he’s not because that’s not what people do when they love eachother, when people love eachother, they walk through life together. They experience things together. We loved eachother.”
“Y/n, it’s gonna be okay, you just need to talk to him, you both clearly still want to be together, so you just need to tell him what you told me - he’s loosing his mind if he’s letting you out of all the people go. So when you go pick up your things, talk to him.”
You nodded, “Yeah. You’re right. I’ll just talk to him.”
Well, talking to him was harder than you thought. You texted him five minutes before you got there to give him a heads up. You walked upto the front door the next morning, seeing a yellow post-it note on the front door.
Pick up your things, text me when you leave.
You sighed, calling Rae, “Rae, can you come help me get my stuff, Corpse isn’t here,,, he left.”
“On my way.” She sighs.
With the two of you getting your set up, it didn’t take long before it was dismantled and in both of your cars. Your pc, mic and monitor and your now broken desk chair in your car, and your desk in Raes.
Gone <3
Was what you texted Corpse after you left. You thought the little heart was cute, but you knew it wasn’t needed and so did you. You didn’t set your stuff up at Rae’s knowing it would only be temporary. You told your fans you were visiting your parents and wouldn’t be streaming for a little bit. Though they knew something was up, you hadn’t responded to any of Corpse’s tweets or hadn’t commented on the fact that he posted another hand pic, usually a cute remark like “that’s one sexy hand ^-^” or something like that would be in the comments.
Every night that week without him, you cried yourself to sleep, every night the next week, you did the same, and the week after that, you did it again. It had been almost a month since you guys had ended things and you still cried. You would keep crying. Corpse knew you were staying with Rae, and made sure to ask her if you were okay. Short answer, Rae told him every time: No.
It was raining one night, fit the mood, as you sat in bed on your laptop watching streams of him play, missing his laugh and his voice. You frequently went back to the stream where he couldn’t do admin swipe, because that was the hardest he had laughed on camera. The hardest he had ever laughed was when you two had fallen off of the bed, when you had surprised him with a kiss. A heavy thump echoed through the house as the both of you fell into a fit of laughter, you had calmed down, but he was still going - couldn’t look at you without bursting into a laughing fit - he tried to stop the laughter, because it was making his stomach hurt like 30,000 knifes, but he couldn’t. That admin swipe didn’t even come close. But it was close enough for you as you cried watching them. You opened your camera roll to which you found lots of photos of him. You cried.
You got up out of Rae’s guest bed. She was streaming so you just shot her a text careful not to give your location away. She shot you a simple text back as you left the house in your little black honda civic, you looked at the little plastic bag he had set up for your gum wrappers and used gum.
Tears ran down your face as the rain followed. You sighed getting out of the car standing in the rain contemplating if you should go and knock on the door or not. You knew he wouldn’t be doing okay. Or maybe he was, but you just knew him too well to know he wouldn’t be hurting.
“Fuck it.” You muttered under your breath.
You walked up to the front door, knocking on it furiously as the porch light turned on. He opened the door. You looked at his face, his eyes were bloodshot red like yours, and you could hear tiny sniffles coming from his nose. You could see the couch behind him had been pulled out into the bed, but there was nobody staying over. He couldn’t sleep in the bed the two of you shared. But you knew you had to give the sappy ass speech because you were both hurting.
“When I started streaming in 2015, I didn’t think it would be like this. Y’know. I knew I’d be meeting people left and right, but I didn’t know I would meet you. Until I did. Then we started to talk outside of the group and streams and, everything else. Then you opened up to me about everything you possibly could and we knew each other for two months. But that felt like years. Then you asked me to come to San Fransisco and thank god i said yes. Then we went on two dates on your balcony and they were perfect, and thennnn you asked me to be your girlfriend and of course I said yes. One year later, I convince you to move to L.A. with me, you say yes. We move here, buy a house, everything was perfect. Two years later, I’m sitting in bed for one month, crying over you, because we both want each other, you just wanna give me better. But that’s not how it works. How it works is we go through life together and I’m fine waiting for you, because I can’t live without you. I can’t function without you and people who love eachother go through life together and we loved eachother. I still love you.” By the end of it, your words were unintelligible to anyone but him.
He just looked at you, the same tears running down his face as you, he sighs of relief, “Thank fuck. I tried to call you everyday, but I couldn’t. Not after I was a coward like that. It was so fucking shitty of me to do that to you - I just wanted you to have better. I needed you to have better.” He cried as you pulled him close, your foreheads touching.
“It’s okay,” You said hugging his head.
“Please take me back, please.” He choked.
Your foreheads touched, “Of course I’ll take you back, I need you back.”
Your soft lips pressed onto his as you both smiled against it. You could taste the salty water between your lips. Although Corpse’s eyes were now dried. He smiled down at you pulling you back into a hug. Rae texted you as you heard the familiar ding of your phone.
Pulling away from Corpse and pulling your phone out, a screenshot of both you and Corpse’s bitmoji’s showed up on Rae’s snap maps. A message sat underneath it.
this you? 🤭
You chuckled showing Corpse as he let out a laugh with you.
yeah SDFJHDKFSJDNG spending the night here :)
i knew you guys could get through this! see you tomorrow, come pick up your shit 😐
SDJFKDJF all jokes aside - thank you so much Rae, i wouldn’t have been okay without you. i hope i wasn’t a burden on you.
of course you weren’t! now remember, i’ll see you tomorrow 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩
So that night, you lay in your bed with your boyfriend. Your boyfriend. God, it felt nice to say that again. It was warm and soft and you liked the way his chest fell up and down as you lay on it. His strong arms around you. Careful never to let you go again.
People don’t believe in soulmates, but you knew you had found yours, as when you thought he was asleep, he intertwined your fingers together, as you both fell asleep entangled in between each other.
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frostedfaves · 4 years
Text
Holiday Spirit
Masterlist
Pairing: dom!Wanda Maximoff x sub!fem!reader
Summary: Wanda decides to make an ordinary day in December very special for you.
Warnings: smut 18+ ONLY (daddy kink sorry top followers, dirty talk, choking, spanking, oral, penetration, sex toy use)
A/N: there are like...two seconds of plot in this lmao. also I didn’t edit this because I just finished and wanted to post it before I got busy again. so if you see any mistakes, no you don’t
-
For the first Saturday in a very long time, you and Wanda were playing the role of a ‘normal couple’.
There were no missions for her to be whisked away on, and you were off work for the next few days. You were tucked away within the soundproof walls of your apartment under a blanket on the couch, far away from the nosy eyes and ears of Wanda’s superhero family. Lit candles scented the air with vanilla that blended with the aroma of the cookies Wanda baked earlier, and the gentle snowflakes that passed the windows behind the Christmas movie on the television only further set the scene.
“Can you pass me another cookie, baby?” Wanda chuckled when you held it to her lips without breaking away from the screen, taking it from you with the hand that wasn’t holding onto your hip. “Thank you.”
She kissed your head lightly before turning her own, not wanting to drop any stray crumbs into your hair. If there was one thing she loved, it was having the time to hold you against her for longer than a few minutes before she fell asleep, and she refused to let you go until she was forced to do so.
“Are we getting old or something?” you suddenly questioned, and if Wanda was still eating, she would’ve choked.
“What?!”
“We never watch anything this wholesome and sappy, so I just assumed this is our transition into wrinkles and knee pain.”
Your girlfriend covered her face with a laugh. “Baby, it’s the fourth day of December. Where is your holiday spirit?”
“Right here.” 
You turned your head briefly to show off a cheesy grin as you pulled her arm further around you. Despite the exaggerated theatrics of the film, you were enjoying the plot of it, and you’d come to enjoy it even more as the scene changed. The two main characters were suddenly stumbling into bed as clothes were ripped away, and you usually didn’t get riled up during sex scenes in a movie, but you definitely felt something this time.
You were suddenly aware of how long it’d been since you and Wanda had been tangled together in such an intimate way, and it was almost embarrassing how quickly your need for release began to build. Despite your best efforts to hide it, there was no going back once your hips wiggled back an inch or two to rub your ass against Wanda’s core.
Wanda could tell before you that the scene was affecting you from the moment your muscles tensed against her, and she was more than ready to play by the time your body pushed against hers. She was subtle at first, a hand slipped under your long sleeved shirt and innocently resting on your bare stomach, slowly transitioning to the more obvious approach of trailing kisses from the tip of your ear to your clavicle while you squirmed.
She slipped her right leg between yours with ease, tensing her thigh and brushing it back and forth against your clothed center in a way that had you thrusting in time with her movements within seconds. Your eyes fluttered closed and your hand slipped into her hair, little whimpers escaping you as her soft pecks turned into sucking the skin of your neck between her lips.
“You seem like you need something, baby.” 
Her deepened tone came directly behind your ear and you shivered, biting your lip as you continued to rub against her thigh. You were just about to speed up to chase your release when she stopped moving, pressing her hand into your stomach to keep you from moving as you faced her with a whine.
“Did you forget how to use your words, princess?”
“No, Wanda.” Her brow raised and your eyes widened as you corrected yourself. “No, Daddy.”
“Good girl.” She pulled her hand away from your stomach to pull the blanket away. “Go strip down and wait on the bed.”
You scrambled to your feet and down the hall as the sounds of the scene that started everything faded into the background. Articles of clothing hit the carpet as you moved at the speed of lightning to follow her order, sitting on the edge of the bed with your hands folded when you finished. You could hear her turning off the movie, blowing out candles and cleaning the rest of the mess, and her prolonging only made you more desperate for her touch.
Eventually her footsteps grew louder as she approached, and you tried to be good and still as she entered the room. Her casual smile grew wider at the sight of you waiting patiently, and you looked up at her sweetly as she stood in front of you, cradling your cheeks in her hands.
“You’re so good for me.”
Her voice passed her lips in a husky tone that had your thighs squeezing together, something that didn’t go unnoticed by her at all. Her smirk was pressed to your skin while she kissed along your jaw, leaning down to part your thighs to step between them.
“How do you want me to fuck you first? Mouth or fingers?” she questioned lowly, occasionally nipping at your skin between her words, and your own got caught in your throat. “If I have to ask again, you won’t get anything.”
“Mouth please, Daddy,” you finally choked out, bucking your hips forward when her wandering hands brushed past your clit.
“On your hands and knees.”
You turned over and positioned yourself as she instructed, biting back a moan when she slapped your ass before gripping onto both cheeks firmly. A dark chuckle escaped her as she lowered herself to your soaked core, watching the muscles clench around nothing as you waited to be touched. You were just about to beg when she dove in without warning.
You shuddered and moaned when she licked a long stripe from your clit to your hole, crying out when she dipped her tongue in for a moment before bringing her attention back to your clit. Her lips surrounded it as she licked and sucked, quickly bringing you to the edge while you moaned and begged her not to stop.
She held your shaking form up by your waist as she lapped up your juices with her tongue, swallowing briefly before pushing her tongue back into your hole as her thumb began circling around your clit. You gripped the sheets as she began to tongue fuck you, the combination of the two motions making you cum even faster than the last time.
“Fuck,” you cried out when you were able to breathe properly again, yelping when her hand smacked your other ass cheek.
“Such a dirty mouth, princess,” she teased you as her hand landed on your stinging skin again and you whimpered. “Scoot up toward the middle.”
You moved forward on the bed, knowing she was up to something when you heard her digging into her overnight bag. She climbed onto the bed behind you a minute later, and the fabric of her sweatpants brushed against your naked calves. Before you could get a word out, a ribbed length was slowly pushed into you, and you were a shuddering mess all over again.
Wanda thrusted into you slowly, her hands sliding from your hips to your arms and pulling them until your bare back was pressed against her sweater, and you moaned at the feeling of being so exposed while she’d only taken off her rings. She let go of your arms to wrap one of hers around you, her free hand closing around your throat as she began pounding into you.
Your moans echoed around the room as you gave into the absolute railing she gave you, holding onto her arm for stability and sanity as her strap rubbed against your walls at an unforgiving pace. Sounds of pleasure caught in your throat and your eyes rolled back as her fingers squeezed, affecting your airflow just enough to drive you crazy. As if she hadn’t done that enough already.
“You gonna cum for Daddy?” she inquired as she pulled you a bit closer, and you nodded while struggling to function with the building pressure in your core. “Be a good girl and let go.”
Your orgasm hit you as suddenly as if she pressed a button to make it happen, strangled noises resembling sobs escaping you as she continued to thrust into your sensitive hole as your legs seemed to transform into jelly.
“I know you can cum again, princess. You’re taking it so well, keep going.”
You whimpered out your best attempt at a response, squeezing her arm to let her know your brain was still somewhat working as she brought you to another peak. She slowed down this time, shifting the hand around your throat to run her fingers around your nipple. You gasped and moaned as she kissed your neck while you came down, muscles relaxing as she moved her arm and allowed you to fall onto the mattress.
The toy dripped onto your legs and the sheets as she leaned over, grabbing your thighs and pulling you closer. She wrapped one hand around your ankle, guiding your leg up as she rested it on her shoulder, and a devilish grin appeared on her lips as she pushed into you again. You were free to moan as loudly as you wanted this time, and you took full advantage of it as she worked her way back up to forcefully drilling the ribbed length into you again, a few curse words mixing in with the nearly pornographic sounds.
“You’re using that pretty mouth all wrong, princess.”
She slid her middle and ring fingers into your mouth before you could respond, and you happily closed your lips around the digits as your tongue rubbed against her skin.
“There you go, sweet girl.”
You sucked harder as she kept pounding into you, nearly biting down as you reached your fifth climax and opening your lips to whine a bit when she continued.
“I’m gonna make you cum again because I know I can. Isn’t that right, princess?” You closed your eyes and she shook her head, pulling her wet fingers away and moving to rub them across your clit instead. “What did I say about using your fucking words?”
“Yes, Daddy!” you managed to cry out between loud moans, a few more calls of her name blending into incoherent sounds as stars filled your vision and welcomed you to a new high.
Wanda slows her pace as she works you through your orgasm, coaxing you gently to breathe as you shake in her hold and rubbing soft circles into your thigh as she lowers your leg from her shoulder. A cross between a groan and a sigh leaves your lips as the toy drags against your walls and pulls away, and you watch as Wanda’s blurry form unbuckles it from her waist and tosses it aside.
“Still in there, baby?” She chuckles as you nod tiredly. “Okay, stay here and I’ll be right back.”
She disappeared into the bathroom and the sound of running water followed her exit, continuing as she came back to help you into the bathroom. You watched as she gently washed you once you were in the tub, a sleepy smile shaping your lips as you met her gaze.
“Can we have peppermint cocoa after this?”
“Thought you weren’t in the holiday mood?” she teased, and you let your eyes fully close as you laughed.
“The movie wasn’t so bad after all.”
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Tags: @littlegasps @imnotasuperhero @natasha-danvers @xxxtwilightaxelxxx @creepingwolfberry 
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