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#lol i was literally crying listening to cold play earlier bc idk thats the type of music my parents would put on at parties in summertime
opens-up-4-nobody
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1 year
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#i was supposed to spend the last 2 days prepping and relaxing for the start of this big project tomorrow
#but ive spent thr last 2 days frantically coding as fast as i could and focusing v hard to get a lot of bullshit done
#and ive fixed things since yesterday. the changes i had to make were too too bad bc the thing that went wrong was so fucking weird
#but it should be okay by tomorrow. knock on wood. but this does mean ive done fuck all to prep for tomorrow
#so we r winging it bby. ugh. just gotta fucking pray that everything goes ok. pls let nothing b broken and let everything seal properly 🙏
#i was also supposed to meet with my boss today. probably for her to make sure i dont fuck up this project but apparently their safety hood
#was having an emergency... whatever that means. so im sure shes having a week as well. and im free to fuck everything up for everyone
#ugh. im so. theres a certain point in burning out where youre not really in pain anymore. you dont really feel anything all your joy and
#hope dissolves away and u just exist to be useful. and i feel like its easier to maintain that than trying to b happy
#i do not advise that bc its a fucking miserable. wasteful way to live but i dont really have time to try for anything better
#god. i really hope my measurements friday dont take a full 8hrs. i dont know if i can handle that. literally i would have stay intensely
#focused with my brain being Interrupted every 5min so i can manually record data points. its gonna b agony
#so that fun. but maybe it wont. maybe itll be great and fun and ill have a wonderful time. seems unlikely but ya never kno
#lets not think abt the fact that having to rush all this is preventing me from being able to do all thr other bullshit i need to get done
#to prepare for the future. future? what future? hard to imagine from the bottom of this pit im digging myself
#sigh. in a few months i can leave this place and never come back. soon but not soon enough
#lol i was literally crying listening to cold play earlier bc idk thats the type of music my parents would put on at parties in summertime
#so it evokes a v specific mood. which is i guess me hiding away from ppl at parties haha
#back when i didnt have to worry abt things so much and i could just listen to the frogs chirping and watch the fireflies
#oh god. now my boss is asking if i reached out for help tomorrow. no. lady i would rather drink bleach than have to direct an undergrad
#tomorrow. its 10pm im fucking tired. just let me be sad. did i reach our for help? no my brain is on fire
#tomorrow is gonna b a long day ugh
#unrelated
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