#meanwhile I've got an actual disorder making it hard for me to understand stuff and I just put in extra work | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

aslaton8-blog · 4 years

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What does "Home" mean?

What does "home" mean when you don't have a family? I mean I have a family, a very large one fact. None of us get along though. My family is wrought with mental illness. Mostly things such as narcissistic personality disorder, hypochondria, sociopathy, borderline personality disorder, bipolar disorder, and above all just flat selfishness. I really can't handle them. They make my issues so much worse. Actually they are the cause of my issues.

My society has been the least of my problems. I made the best decision when I decided to get away from my family and never talk to them again. I was sick of being gaslighted and ghosted being treated as if I wasn't doing anything when I was the only one doing anything meanwhile homeless and struggling by myself. Fuck those people they aren't a family.

So I struggle to understand what family means. I've been invited to be a part of a witch coven. It's actually really cool. I don't hate the idea. I'm just so disconnected from the idea of having a family. I can't even make a friend family of my own. I'm married to my friend family. To the twins Ryan and Daniel Krone. I love them with all of my heart. I don't love anybody else this way outside of the celebrities that have been with me since my childhood. Those are distant feelings though and I'm just a stranger to them anyway.

I feel like I got tossed into this witch coven immediately. I didn't really get a say so in whether I wanted to be a part of it or not. I didn't really have a full understanding of witch covens before they tossed me in there. We had one meeting already and it just felt like a meeting of complete strangers. Is this what it feels like to be a celebrity? Being in a room full of strangers and still feeling completely disconnected from people and community? I'm so glad I never tried that path. I don't like much attention anyway. I mean I like attention to an extent just like everyone else would want to feel a part of life. But I don't need all that. That was too much.

I don't think I'll feel at home with these people unless they stay in my life. I still don't feel at home with these people and I've been hanging out with them for a couple of years. it just feels like another adventure that's going to disappear in time. I like these people don't get me wrong, it's just not a hundred percent there for me. First of all the entire coven is completely white minus maybe one lady who is close enough to being white that she could pass as white. All that does is remind me of our societal problems and all I want to do is keep fighting them. Second of all I'm not religious and I believe in every religion not just one. It's hard for me to feel honest with being in a coven when I don't hundred percent believe in everything their doing.

It seems like all I want to do is fight anymore. I don't want to get along with society. Why is that? Maybe I'm just that full of pain. I feel like I'm walking through the next door of the chapter of my healing. But it feels like a door that I opened and don't know where to go. It's like a room full of mazes. Maybe I shouldn't have opened the door just yet but what do I now? I haven't had much guidance in this life I only have me to guide myself.

People say take the direction that's right in front of you but what if you're not a hundred percent feeling it? What if that road just leaves to falling off a cliff and breaking every bone in my body? I can't take a different path though or I'll be steering away from my husband and his brother who I don't want to be away from at all.

I've been feeling my soul pushing me to form a life outside of Ryan. And that scares me so much because I don't want to think about a life outside of Ryan. I don't want to lose him like Terry lost Steve Irwin. I'm not ready to detach from him yet like that, I mean I haven't even given birth to my child yet. Why are you always pushing me to do stuff I'm not ready for yet world? I vibe with conservatives here. Stop moving and changing so fast let us enjoy what we have right now.

I cried my eyes out last night. I haven't cried in a while so I probably needed it but then that's a paradox in itself because why do we need to cry? I suppose in this case to release a lot of the pressure I have been feeling inside lately. I've got to get started with my photography career because I'm going to quit my part-time job in February and need to make income. I always wanted to start my photography career but I was always so hesitant because I didn't want to turn my hobby into a capitalist dream. I don't believe in capitalism and I don't believe it works. It's like a tool that worked at one time and is now broken and we need to try something else.

If I ever have employees I'll make sure they get half of the income and not this 80/20 bullshit. If they aren't putting forth the effort into the work then obviously I will look for somebody else. Naturally that's all we can do. But for now I prefer to just team up with other photographers that are seasoned and have their own established business that we partner up on. I really love this field and I don't want to steer away from it in any way.

I'm having other fears. Like I said I've been pushed into this witch coven thing. Which to be fair they haven't really pushed me on anything else, she just kind of stuck me in there and I'm welcome to back out if I want to but I feel like I didn't learn enough about it to make a real decision on it and I'm just becoming a part of it automatically because I never made a decision. You people move too fast!!! Now my brother-in-law is dating one of them. *Sigh*

I mean I like her I just have a lot of conflicts in my heart. She favors the character that I was creating for Daniel's character in my story which is really weird because she's like a silhouette of what I already imagined. Maybe this is his dream lover maybe this is where he's supposed to be. But something about it has me really uneasy. I feel like it's all moving too fast. Maybe that's just my fear speaking, maybe it's not moving too fast and maybe that's just how I'm seeing it because I fear people. I also love Daniel very much and don't want to see him get his heart broken again. I feel like we just met these people.

She and I did not get off to a good start either. I was connecting with this lady that I really really liked name Tonya and I was having a bad day and wanted to go see her. This woman was there and Tonya said she would be leaving soon so I wouldn't have to meet new company since I was not in the mood to meet any new company. I feel like I had just met Tonya and didn't get to really get to know her yet before I'm being forced to me all these other people...so I was rude to this woman. I treated her exactly like I felt. I did not want to meet anyone new. We talked about it later and we smoothed over our bad first meeting. We got to talkin and she seems fine and I like her I just did not expect her to start dating my brother-in-law this fast. I understand he's starving for a partner because he loves romance and he deserves a good partner and that will tend to make a dog eat its food too fast and throw it back up. This is my family, my home. I love whoever he loves. But I'm jaded because the last girl he was in love with was a complete psychopath. It wasn't really love again it was starvation for love. Thankfully this woman does not seem like a psychopath. She's a very sensitive empath with a lot of love in her heart. Despite that I still feel so many fears. We got in another fight again when I was just trying to be direct, be myself. I found out how sensitive she really is.

That scares me too because I don't need anybody in my life who cannot handle me and if she's dating my brother-in-law and something comes of it she could one day become my sister-in-law. That's a big deal for me. I've never connected really well with women. I've been connecting with Tonya and I was happy with our slow pace. She's a really cool woman and I like her. So the idea of getting closer to this woman put a lot of pressure on me because I don't want to be a jerk and be completely distant from my brother-in-law's girlfriend because we've already had that issue with another friend and it will just bring up old hurt. I need people who can stand up to me when I'm at my worst moods and I'm beating you up emotionally.

Daniel's new girlfriend did that with me the other night. We got in an argument sure but we also resolved it. She did not run away from the argument and go hide. She broke down and cried right in front of me and expressed every emotion I caused her to feel. Great start right? I hate feeling like this monster that calls out everybody's bulshit including mine. I really was just trying to pull out my conflict and deal with it and not try to put the burden on her for sure but I'm not about going behind people's back and talking about them especially to the people that they are dating who else that I have to discuss this with other than her anyway? I like direct communication. I'm not a passive aggressive person. I can be passive so not to hurt your feelings but I'm not a passive aggressive person. If I've got something to say to you I'm going to say it especially when I am ready and know how I want to say it. It turned out for the better because she admitted that she needed to cry from a lot of pressure from the week and that I was the push that made her move but I'm still worried about future interactions. I don't want anyone in my life I'm just going to beat up by being myself. I need people to be in my life who can separate themselves from my anger and internal conflicts and not take on the pain.

My husband is still learning how to do this. I was ranting and venting away about him being sick and not being able to enjoy my birthday with him and he took all the pressure on as if it was his fault. 🙈 I swear I can't be angry about anything without somebody taking on the pressure themselves. I have to suck it up all the time just so I don't hurt other people's feelings. I think that's why I relate to #Slipknot so much. I've been listening to that band since I was like 11. So that means I've been listening to them for like 22 years. They are a huge part of my life and a huge influence in my life and my healing. Probably number one on my list. They're definitely a part of my soul and I definitely feel the big brother attitude that they have with society. It's beautiful and well needed for people like me. The magic of their music has filled my spirit with so much love in so many times that I needed it.

But before I go on a tangent let's get back to what was bothering me in the first place. Family. I need to work through my fears because it's not like this woman is some crazy monster person like the last girl. The last girl wanted to keep secrets with my husband about me. He immediately told me about it of course but I'm just really jaded by her and my mother because they popped in my life at the same time. They were just alike. It was like my mother pushed herself into my life not only physically but spiritually too. I have so much hatred for my mother I really wish she would die. I know she's going to die one day and I can't wait for that day to end everybodies suffering. She's one of those Santa baby ladies, gold digging, cocaine junkie narcissistic trash. She's somebody else's mess to clean up, I was not here to raise her. I don't want anybody else like her in my life ever again. The fighter in me will really show and I might damage some relationships along the way. I just hope this girl turns out to be fine. She seems fine. I'm just wrought with a lot of trust issues and fears and I'm not feeling at home right now even though I know I am home.

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