#my brother in christ we are absolutely incoherent tonight

[eonars]

my friend just blew my third eye wide open on a 3.5 hr video call and like....its genuinely so naive and almost dumb of me to still do this but i just perpetually feel like my mental image of myself is permastuck as the completely friendless weird offputting ugly sixth grader i DEFINITELY was at some point but not anymore. but its like im still looking at everything from her perspective and assuming people still see me as her and not someone who can be hot and intimidating and cool and sexy. i immediately assume anyone who’s interested is interested in me for me DESPITE my looks because they just really like who i am and not ever just for my looks or god forbid body. but she laid it out to me really clearly that from the outside looking in a lot of the time it isnt this cringy ugly weird beast with some super cool guy who is willing to look past that because the ugly weird beast is funny and witty or whatever but actually a really weird insecure guy who’s parading around a hot black metal chick he found in front of all his friends and when it’s put like that im SHOCKED how much sense it makes like.....in this very specific situation we’re referencing i get taken around and meet all the guys and he makes a big show of cozying up to me on his boys couch and they all knew about me (even just in a vague Girl From Tinder sense) before i showed up but then he invites me back home and just.....doesn’t touch me the rest of the night and asks if i’d prefer to sleep on the couch. makes a really public thing of like oooooooo im rebounding look i got this young stunna 6ft tall tattooed titted up easy california girl are you impressed yet guys. and then drops me like a hot rock in a very embarrassing and apparent way when the opportunity to get back with his ex arises. it’s just a little dark sided when you look at it from that perspective but i think some other more recent experiences have kind of driven home that im out of my own loop and im not actually so ugly that i have to hope people just like my vibrant personality enough and in this particular niche we occupy i can actually be kinda hot and just sort of.....used for it??? i dunno if im even expressing myself clearly and just sound like i think im literally the hottest shit who’s ever thought of cutting a bathory shirt into a crop top out there but like it’s just WEIRD it’s a perspective ive never had on myself before and it kinda scares me that i can be so simple minded and naive at times while also apparently externally looking like this beguiling vixen of the night bc internally im still the specky chubby zitty middle schooler getting shoved into walls and getting my books ripped out of my hands!!!

#my brother in christ we are absolutely incoherent tonight #i think she realized how much i just Didnt Get It and got a little concerned that the more i get out there now the more likely i am to just #completely get taken advantage of