#no no no i just want them to seek a catharsis they cant seem to grasp and become more desperate for

[queenburd]

432.... managing to render the narrator mute with fear..... scaring him into silence..... so he can have an idea of what his protagonists go through.....

#The Sparrow Parable #stanley having to work to get his narrator to talk again..... #and the fellow just being terrified of punishment if he does #and 432 is completely cavalier abt this and doesnt understand why stanleys so mad #listen. even as i type it i KNOW it seems like i want to make 432 a bad person #no no no i just want them to seek a catharsis they cant seem to grasp and become more desperate for #putting in so much work into hurting someone they think deserves it in the hopes it will make THEM feel better #and by the time they realize its not working theyve sunk too much time in to feel like they can fix it #and theyre just SO HURT like nobody was there for them!!! #its not fair!!!! #and then we all just hug 432 a lot because we are there. we love them

[iiota]

sigh. is this too personal? probably but i gotta get it outta my head and i feel like i can finally like sleep in peace.

i sort of hit a sort of......catharsis this weekend over my friends death and in having some good talks with a friend who got to meet his family(regretfully) i learned a few things i never really asked him because well. theyre kinda personal but they made something in my brain click. i knew since i met him years ago he had a personality disorder that he couldnt process or understand certain emotions and honestly. i could never 'tell' and i didnt really have an issue with how he expressed emotion wrt it didnt cause a conflict bc i thought he hated me or something. yeah he openly said he didnt understand why ppl did x but the thing is..he was open about it and about a lot of stuff he did for me it was hard to misunderstand his intentions

and it got me thinking about how much i liked hanging out with him because well. i felt understood. i never really questioned if he cared about me bc i could feel it and i felt like any waves i gave off that i cared about him too he understood. ive recently been thinking about how i feel so..different from like everyone i know and i think i finally realized it is just because i dont..get. why people do things and emotions in general. socially i know its the right thing but it doesnt mean i like it yknow? i always joke to myself that people love to talk about me than to me and hearing that someone else thought i hated them because I was yknow. depressed my friend died and couldnt really keep up asking to hang out or go out to dinner with someone who is gone like every weekend is bringing me back to the thought that no matter how direct and honest i am nobody will believe or understand me because i cannot 'emote' correctly..even in spaces where people love to talk openly about not understanding these things lmao

i dont even think i have a similar disorder as my friend nor do i really care to Seek out an answer..i dont care. i just miss my friend. im not even gonna say the side effect he was told was possible at 14 years old because its fucking ME up at 28 because it was something he actively fretted about losing.. he felt things..i could see it and was probably one of the nicest people to me ive ever got to meet and i wish i wasnt such a coward to tell him how much i enjoyed being his friend

idk it rubs me the wrong way the ppl who knew i was close to him sort of like...brushed off my friendship with him like it was nothing

i cant drink because its miserable for my body and i dont particularly. want to because of my friend battling alcoholism so im just going to go get mad at splatoon as a substitution because that seems to be the only emotion that comes naturally to me

#anyways hey guys its deer season i saw like 5 on the way home