#now that i’m not at risk of relapse i have a clearer mind

[sea-side-scribbles]

Fanfiction: Sympathy For A Downer

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22737214/chapters/56945809

Chapter 14:

Nick fled with Morrie behind the stage and let him lead the way, because he was way clearer in the head and more likely to be trusted than Nick himself. When they saw Virgil standing at a doorway and waving them over they didn’t hesitate to run in. When they slammed the door behind them, the band was complete. Nick, who was out of breath from the fight, the concert, and their flight, sank into a chair. He felt the gazes of the others on him and avoided it to look at anyone. 

„Nick, what the hell was that?“, Chris blurted out.

„Where did this downer came from?“, Brad shouted.

„Was it planned? Because I think I saw you talking to him,“ Matthew wanted to know.

They all spoke at once and drilled Nick with questions, who was just as confused as them.

In fact, he was completely innocent of this whole incident and he could simply say so. But then again, he wasn’t as innocent as he should be, because he couldn’t hurt the downer. He probably fooled the fans, but he couldn’t fool his friends, who had seen everything from up close. They had seen him talk. They would ask questions he didn’t want them to ask. And apart from himself, also Arthur could get into trouble for this. What if they tried to seek him out?

„The downer wasn’t real“, Nick finally said. „He was only an actor I hired as a highlight for our show.“

„Seriously? Why didn’t you tell us anything?“, Matthew was not amused.

„Uh…it was a surprise…just a spontaneous idea I had…“ Nick stuttered, trying to not make it worse.

„Spontaneous idea?“, Morrie snapped. „You could’ve ruined the entire show with this!“

„Come on, Morrie, look on the bright side!“, Nick tried a smile. „We had great concerts by the hundred, but this one is special! It’s gonna be in the press! Everyone will talk about it!“

„That’s true, the fight was kinda cool,“ Chris admitted.

„And the bobby? Why did you attack him too?“ Morrie went on, causing Nick to sink down in his chair.

„Because he was interfering,“ he said as if he was pouting. „Blame him if anyone, he’s the reason why the stage is stormed right now.“

„It could’ve helped to tell him in advance!“

„So that he can cancel the show or tell everyone it’s fake? This could’ve ruined us too!“

„You should’ve told us at least!“, Matthew said again.

Nick felt more and more driven into a corner and send a pleading look to Virgil, who was still standing at the doorframe.

His manager made a few steps towards Nick. „I agree,“ he said. „I see that you’ve brought us attention, but it was a high risk and I would’ve liked to know in advance.“

Nick sighted. It was five against one right now.

„Hey, nothing bad happened. At least well be famous overnight,“ he pointed out the positive things.

„We? We didn’t get the chance for a cool showdown, it was only you. I would’ve liked to kick a downer’s ass!“, Brad countered.

„Believe me, I know, but I could’t bring five downers at the stage, all by coincidence! It had to look real.“

Nick glanced around and looked into their disappointed faces. He couldn’t blame them and he wished he could tell them the truth.

„I…guess you’re right…“, Nick said meekly. „I thought it’s fun. I swear, that was the last time I played a lone hand, okay? I’m sorry.“

They seemed to be okay with this, even though they remained somewhat sore. But the heat had died down and When the masses had left the area they left too, heading back to the hotel. 

When the others spread out and went into their rooms Virgil stayed with Nick, who wasn’t up for a rant but knew he would make it worse if he ditched him now.

„What a sleeky bastard you are,“ Virgil started and Nick was surprised that he sounded rather amused.

„You can fool the others but I know what happened.“

Nick stared at him.

„You…you know?“, he stammered in disbelief.

Virgil nodded and smiled slightly.

„I know the way you’re thinking. You saw how much fame you brought Birdie with your little tantrum and you wanted to correct that.“

„I know it was a bad idea,“ Nick answered quickly, trying to fob him off.

„Nonsense, it wasn’t bad. The realization was a bit clumsy, but dramatic enough to gain us headlines, maybe even the front page. I bet someone took a photo of your fight.“

Nick had to admit that he liked that. And wouldn’t it be funny to have Arthur on the front page?

„So…you liked it?“

„Yes. But I still wonder why you didn’t tell me anything. Is it because of Birdie? Are you afraid I’ll rat you out?“

„You could do that,“ Nick said, even though he trusted Virgil. „I’m not naive, you know?“

„Nick, I won’t play you off against each other. If you want a spectacular show, I won’t ruin it for you. I’m actually glad that you have plans again. I was worried about you and I missed the old Nick.“

„Thanks, Virgil, I’m so glad to have you,“ Nick sighted and Virgil gave him a pat on his back.

„Sleep tight, Nickie. And keep your head clear, I need you in a good shape tomorrow.“

„Of course. Good night, Virgil.“

Nick walked along the corridor to Morrie’s room, relieved that he got off so cheaply, and knocked on the door.

„Morrie? It’s me. Are you awake?“

When Morrie came out he gave Nick a gloomy look.

„What?…“ Nick began, but then fell silent.

„That was…really fucked up, sorry for swearing. I thought you understood that we’re a team now…“ Morrie was still very sore.

„I’m sorry…I relapsed…“ Nick stuttered and looked at Morrie with pleading eyes.

„Right now, it was the dumbest idea you could have. Don’t you know your reputation is at stake?“, the other man snapped.

„Of course I know,“ Nick was offended. „Why do you think did I wanted a special show?“

„I’m not talking about your fame, I mean…“, he paused, searching for words.

„What?“, Nick urged him.

„The murders, Nick,“ Morrie whispered. „You know they happened, right?“

„Murders again? Would you please tell me what they got to do with me?“, Nick hissed in frustration and Morrie sighted and shook his head.

„Alright, the bloke from the O’Courant who trashed your last record was found dead in the park. Bobbies told us it was an accident but they also swarmed the place and fenced it off for days. A bit elaborate for a simple accident, don’t you think? 

The next is only two days ago: Bates, the owner of the music shop, who hated you in general and refused to sell you anything, was found dead in the shop. Rumors say he was sliced open, with the guts hanging out. His wife found him like that.“

„Bates…he’s dead?“, Nick stuttered, having a hard time to follow. „I didn’t know this…“

„You see the problem now? It looks like there’s someone slaughtering your enemies, and then you’re playing the butcher on stage.“

„But…it was only a downer!“, Nick said meekly.

„And the bobby? You looked like you’re about to kill him. If I didn’t stop you….“. Morrie paused and gave him a really concerned look.

„I just…didn’t want him to hurt my actor,“ Nick defended himself. „The rest was only jokes. I guess I went a bit off the rails with my own acting.“

Nick tried a smile again but Morrie only furrowed his brows.

„I’m not a killer,“ Nick pleaded. „Morrie, you know me!“

„I know,“ Morrie sighted. „You can be cruel, but not like this…Just…be careful for fuck’s sake!  And let’s hope no one draws a conclusion from the show to the actual crimes.“

„It was really stupid, right?…I don’t know what’s gotten into me.“ Nick hung his head.

„Well, you have enough time to think about it now …“

„Does that mean…you wanna be alone tonight?“, Nick asked with a pleading look in his eyes.

Morrie answered with a stern gaze.

„You can’t imagine how disappointed I am,“ he hissed, „If you care at all, you’ll stay alone too, and make up your mind.“

With that, Morrie dismissed him and Nick was left to feel miserable. He didn’t want to be alone. Not with all these unpleasant things Morrie had brought up.

So there was a killer on the loose who probably went for his enemies. Just like that. Nick was shocked that this could even happen in Wellington Wells, especially with all the bobbies patrolling around. He could believe in Foggy Jack, who supposedly stayed in the large Garden District, where the fog was spreading and thicker and no one could track him down. But this new one? 

Nick was also shocked to hear that Bates was dead, killed in such a cruel way. He hadn’t been a very pleasant guy, but he didn’t deserve that. It bothered Nick even more, that he had been with Kitty the same night before, without knowing how he got there. Had the killer been in the house that night? Sure, she found Bates in the shop, not in the house, so he was probably safe, but still he could slap himself for even being there then, of all possible days. If somebody found out…They suspected him anyway.

What burned in his guts was the nightmare he had experienced on stage, while standing above the bobby. Then suddenly he had felt like someone was about to die and he didn’t know what gave him that idea. It was as if he had seen the murder happen, maybe when he was with Kitty. So he only had to remember and everything would be alright again? But if that was true, why had he felt like he held a weapon in his hand? If it had been one, if his memories were trustworthy enough. Perhaps his tired brain played a trick on him and the only thing that was real was that Morrie was mad at him again.

Even though he was completely innocent, Nick thought as he walked along the corridor to his own suite.

He didn’t understand Arthur. He hadn’t reckoned to see him again so soon. It could have been a coincidence though, Arthur could’ve been there just for the music, or because everyone was there, just trying to have a good time, until he got busted. If he had kept his cover, Nick wouldn’t have noticed him at all. It made sense. So it was a coincidence. And now they wouldn’t see each other again for real, Nick thought and he felt a sting in his heart.

He hoped that Arthur made it to the exit in time. He would even visit him if he wasn’t worried that Morrie noticed he went away. And how could he explain this?

What did he even want from Arthur?

Frustrated, he slapped his forehead.

Damnit, he had to leave him alone for once, he had been obviously not interested in him. Showing up at the concert didn’t change that. If anything, they were even now. Arthur had saved his life, and now Nick had saved his. It created actually a good conclusion and they could part ways now. 

Nick had to admit that he had to stop this hopeless swooning. He had had a crush on this beautiful stranger and it failed. It was before he had met Morrie again and he loved Morrie. Now, he had to prove him that he was worth a second try.

Arthur, driven by panic, was running the entire way to the exit, until he was finally out and hiding in the dark empty streets. He didn’t even need Joy to break into hysterical giggling. His sense blamed it on the shock, but his heart said that he had just witnessed real fun, something that dozens of Joy pills couldn’t give him. Of course he was glad that Nick didn’t give him a real beating for stealing his show. Instead they had just played a crazy game, that only Nick could’ve made up.

Arthur had to slump on the ground in an uncivilized way to catch his breath, thinking about how close he had come to Nick and how stunning Nick had looked on stage. How his hair had shined in the spotlight. Like caramel, Arthur thought and chuckled sillily. And Nick’s fluent movements…he had seen a lot of Wellies fight by now, and Nick’s style was definitely looking better. If only he could hit a little harder, it would be safe to have a walk with him in the Garden District…

Arthur took a deep breath when his laughing fit was fading and he couldn’t tear away from this vision.

„Just put out your little hand, my darling, one, and I’ll give you mine.“

Arthur leaned back, staring at the cloudy sky above him, wondering what he could do. Where was Nick now? He never knew where he went, when he left the tunnels. Arthur guessed his house fell flat. But someone must know where he liked to hang out, some fan or paparazzi. He had to get his hands on a newspaper tomorrow. Tonight, his only option was getting home without getting caught, so he picked himself up and sneaked along the streets.

When he rounded the corner he saw someone sitting on the ground. He flinched at first but then he found the person was harmless, probably sleeping or being a downer or both. They didn’t even move. 

Walking closer, he saw it was a woman, her shoulders were shaking, and soon he heard her quiet sobs. She noticed him and gave him a frightened look. She probably believed he would attack her for crying.

„It’s okay…I’m just passing through…I haven’t seen a thing…“, he whispered to her and held up his hands to show they were empty.

She sobbed louder.

„Did you see the show?“, she asked and stared at him with wide eyes. „Did you see Nick?“

„Uh…y..yes, I saw him…“, Arthur stammered.

„How was he?“, she whimpered.

„Uhm…w…wonderful, just wonderful. I mean smashing.“

She was shaken by another crying fit, before she went on.

„I…missed him…I wish I saw him too, I’m his biggest fan you know, but…I had too much Joy…that happens to me sometimes….I wake up with a headache and a disgusting taste in my mouth and I just double the dose to feel good again…“

„That’s…nothing to worry about…people have headaches sometimes….there’s nothing wrong with you,“ Arthur tried to comfort her. Did he feel bad sometimes, while taking Joy? He didn’t remember.

„But now I missed Nickie!“, she cried, rubbing her reddened eyes.

„I believe Nick won’t hold that against you…You can still got to another concert.“

The woman shook her head.

„I don’t want to wait that long. I want to see him now and say I’m sorry.“

Arthur crossed his arms. „If only there was a way to get to him,“ he whispered more to himself than to her. „I wonder where he is now.“

„Oh, that’s an easy one, I bet he’s still in the Avalon Hotel,“ the woman said as if it was the most obvious thing and Arthur couldn’t help but stare at her.

„You mean, everyone can visit him there?“

„No silly, not everyone. Not anymore. Now that he’s famous again, he’ll pick only his biggest fans. And there was something we had to do to prove it….wait…“

Her features lightened up, as if she remembered something and then she smiled for the fist time.

„What?“, Arthur said louder than he had intended to.

„Yeah, I remember now! The offerings!“, she shouted in excitement and Arthur could only gape cluelessly. He was sure he had heard the word before but he didn’t know what it was about.

„How did that work again?“, Arthur asked, hoping that he was considered as one of his biggest fans and she would share the secret with him.

„I have to give him a present, something really precious, to show my true love. Or else he won’t shag me. This is how I’ll get him!“ She told him and then suddenly bobbed up.

„Uh…good luck then?“, Arthur said and she giggled.

„Thank you, dearie.“ She blew him a kiss. „Bye!“

Then she scooted away and left a confused Arthur, who just got everything he needed to see Nick again.

#wehappyfew #whf #we happy few #whf arthur #nick lightbearer

[boredliondisorder]

To M: I am definitely working on getting better. If you’d like to talk, you can feel free to do so. I don’t hate you. I’ve never hated you. You’re welcome to message me any time. BPD is characterized in part by obsessive thoughts and actions about perceived abandonment. It’s illogical, sudden, and unpredictable. And you were right--for quite a long time, everyone was walking on eggshells around me. It’s because of the fear of abandonment that I acted out against you, and I am sorry for hurting you. It’s an explanation--not an excuse, and I understand why you’ve chosen to part ways with me. And while I don’t believe we will ever be friends again--just because I’m getting better doesn’t mean I’ve erased the pain I’ve caused--I will gladly recommend some books to you if you’re curious. It’s my hope that if you ever befriend someone with BPD again, you can recognize the symptoms and perhaps either exit the friendship more gracefully or have a more positive experience. I don’t know why you think I’m “lucky” though, or what that means. I don’t think having a therapist is necessarily lucky, if that’s what you’re referring to. Nor is my diagnosis particularly lucky, because I’ll be on heavy thyroid meds for the rest of my life and now run the risk of thyroid cancer. Losing weight and the gallbladder issue has also caused some other serious medical issues that I’ll have for life, so... yeah, definitely not lucky? As for my diagnosis of BPD, I was very open with it. I stated it the first day you made a chat, and then several times after that. I had an entire conversation with J about it where I was very honest about my experiences. I also did set some boundaries for her regarding myself and asked her to let me know if anything I said was bothering her. I talked to E about my fear of hospitalization and what I’d been through before. Even if you forgot, it doesn’t change the fact that I was clear about my diagnosis several times. I was also very up front with the fact that a thyroid issue caused a hormone imbalance that led to the severe BPD relapse. That was a very recent medical diagnosis which I couldn’t have told anyone about before. It really was everyone’s right to leave, and while I was upset about it and working through it through therapy and blog posts, it was incredibly hurtful and completely uncalled for for E and J to post that I was abusive and manipulative. It was stated without the context of my diagnosis nor that I was already in therapy, and while it was anonymous on tumblr, it became rapidly clear to me that they made sure people knew who they were talking about. They had no right, especially when they could have said all that directly to me, as I asked them to. I will never blame them for parting ways to take care of themselves, but I will absolutely hold them accountable for alienating me from all my friends, especially since they accused me of doing the same to them when it came to you. I understand that they did what they did out of anger and a need to get their feelings out, but I don’t think they understand the scope of what they really accomplished. And if they really meant to entirely cut off my support network, then they’ll be glad to know that they succeeded almost flawlessly. I am definitely taking responsibility for my actions, though, and employing Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) and positive thinking to ensure I never hurt anyone else because of this illness. I know I fucked up and I am not excusing what I did. I wish I could have been in a clearer mind to explain this to you months ago, but I wasn’t. I am sorry I put my needs in front of everyone else’s, and I’m sorry I caused you to feel that you had to walk on eggshells around me. ( D O N O T R E B L O G)

[inutricionstore]

Healing in the 21st Century- Get the Information First Because Your Life May Depend On It

“ Keep returning, it works if you work it!” This is what is shouted at the end of every conference, however what if you have “worked it” and you still keep returning and getting intoxicated or packed? Now, the majority of people in the program will state things like, “Well, you should not have actually done the actions right,” or “You didn’t go to sufficient conferences,” or “You didn’t hope to your Higher Power,” or “You understand you did something incorrect otherwise you would still be sober!” 

 Considering that what you are distinguished your really first 12-step conference is, “Your only choices are to get sober utilizing our Program, or it’s prisons, organizations or death,” you tend to stop believing on your own, (considering that it was your “finest thinking that got you here”), stop questioning, and simply follow what other’s inform you to do. This would be great if this is what worked ... however sadly, proof is showing otherwise. 

 The 12-step success rate is revealing to be around 3 percent. (Brown, Treatment Doesn’t Work, 1991). 

 * 45% of individuals who participate in Alcoholics Anonymous conferences never ever return after their very first conference. 

 * 95% never ever return after the very first year. 

 * 5% retention rate (Based on Alcoholics Anonymous World Services’ own data). 

 * 93-97% of standard drug rehabilitations and alcohol treatment centers are 12-step or AA based, so those who leave AA to look somewhere else, such as traditional alcohol and drug treatment for services, are basically rejoining AA! 

 If just about 5% of the individuals are getting the aid that they require, what about the 95% of the individuals who are not being assisted? That is the function of this short article ... to offer much required awareness to people, rehab centers, healthcare facilities, sober livings, and even 12-step programs themselves so that individuals with compound abuse issues can be assisted. 

 Let me discuss from the start that I believe 12-step programs are fantastic for those people who it does work for. It is ending up being clearer to me that compound abuse is not a “one size fits all” issue, and for that reason, there can not be a “one-size-fits-all” service. 

 In addition, research study studies suggest that even the most seriously addicted people can get involved actively in their own treatment, and that active involvement is important for great results. According to the NIDA, therapy, either specific or group, and other behavioral treatments are crucial parts of efficient treatment for dependency. 

 Dependence on out-of-date and inadequate treatment techniques has actually developed an environment that totally anticipates people to stop working, and stop working once again up until such time that rock bottom has actually been reached. The issue with that viewpoint is that for numerous individuals, the supreme rock bottom is death. 

 Vacovsky goes on to compose: 

 They have actually been set to accept themselves as helpless and helpless, with their opportunity for healing being slim to none ... It is up to the private to identify what the most proper treatment is. It is up to the treatment neighborhood to supply choices that set up people to prosper, rather than be anticipated to stop working (italics included).”. 

 Unfortunately, Americans are mostly uninformed that such choices even exist. While the public is being informed that “turning your will and life over to the care of God as you comprehend Him,” as AA recommends, is the only treatment for their health problem, clinically based research study has actually been going on for years. 

 1. We now have alternatives for treatment that are based upon science instead of fundamentalist religious beliefs;. 

 2. Returns option and a sense of control to the person, which is showing to be exceptionally crucial and. 

 3. We now have proof that remains in direct contradiction to the standard view of alcoholism. 

 What, precisely, is the research study finding? Here is what a few of the professionals in the dependency field state have actually discovered:. 

 - What a lot of Americans think about drinking issues and their treatment is significantly incorrect. 

 - Individualizing treatment is important. 

 - Chronic “relapsers” can really be damaged by the 12-step design view that when a slip has actually begun, you are helpless to stop; the more powerful one’s belief in this is the longer and more harmful the regressions are. 

 -” Problem drinkers in the United States are confronted with a complicated predicament when they look for aid. They can either accept the dominating misconception that abstaining is the just efficient ways to deal with a drinking issue, or they can be implicated of being “in rejection ...”. 

 - Many companies intentionally withstand modification since they have excessive of an accessory to their own concepts of what must work, declaring, “I understand what worked for me, and I’m sure that it can work for everybody else as long as they simply do what I state.”. 

 - Well-designed research study performed over more than 3 years has actually conclusively shown that alcoholism will not undoubtedly get gradually even worse, which this is one quality of being a “illness” of alcohol addiction is merely incorrect. Some issue drinkers “development,” however the large bulk do not. 

 - Insistence by treatment programs to just use abstaining has actually been revealed to discourage numerous issue drinkers from looking for treatment. 

 - The only method to fix an issue with alcohol is to stay away for life is incorrect for most of individuals. A significant percentage ends up being moderate drinkers even when attaining abstaining is the main focus of treatment. 

 - Drinking issues do not take place as an outcome of an illness. It is a discovered habits, and extra knowing can for that reason customize habits. 

 - For no other “illness” do so numerous doctors, psychologists and therapists themselves think in the non-research-based misconceptions of alcoholism, neglecting the research study of their own peers in establishing their treatment strategies. 

 - The conflict and dealing with alcoholics and addicts like kids typically believed required to assist them really frequently impedes any modification. 

 - Dr. Patricia Owen, Director of Research of the Hazelden Foundation, who was a veteran advocate of abstinence-only treatment, described these people as “in healing without abstaining” and acknowledged their existence in great deals amongst a sample of Hazelden graduates. 

 Of course, not even all researchers concur on the nature of and finest treatments for alcohol abuse. This is the twenty-first century, and no one would disagree that all clients suffering with an alcohol or drug issue have a right, simply like any other client suffering with any other issue, to be completely notified of the offered alternatives, the threats or locations of unpredictability, and, after evaluating the pertinent info, in assessment with one or more service providers, select a course of action. 

 It is likewise crucial to acknowledge that healing programs are not essential to find how to give up and remain give up. The following is from the Harvard Medical School’s Mental Health Letter, the August/September 1996 concern:. 

 The majority of healing from alcohol addiction is not the outcome of treatment. Just 20% of alcohol abusers are ever dealt with ... Alcohol addicts, like heroin addicts, tend to grow out of their dependency ... 

 In a group of self-treated alcoholics, over half stated that they had actually merely believed it over and chose that alcohol was bad for them. Another group stated illness and frightening experiences such as mishaps and blackouts convinced them to give up ... Others have actually recuperated by altering their scenarios with the aid of a brand-new task or a brand-new love or under the risk of a legal crisis or the separation of a household. 

 Research study arises from dependency scientists, Doctors Linda and Mark Sobell, verify Harvard’s 20% treatment fact:. 

 Studies discovered that over 77 percent of those who had actually gotten rid of an alcohol issue had actually done so without treatment. In an earlier research study ... a substantial bulk of alcohol abusers, 82 percent, recuperated by themselves. 

 The excellent news is that lots of more treatment programs are beginning to supply more evidence-based choices beyond simply the standard 12-step method, and this list is growing daily. It is lastly time to stop living in the dark ages of healing, inform individuals about all of their options and options that are out there and perhaps begin making a damage in the alcohol and drug usage issue that millions are dealing with each day rather of continuing to perpetuate it. If you are one of those individuals who still think that the 12-steps are the “only method” to recuperate, I urge you to have an open mind.