#obviously language changes but u can pry 'dyke' from my cold dead hands

[rollercoasterwords]

ok i'm back at a desk for 8 hours w nothing 2 do so here's the longer post re: nwlnw (nonwoman loving nonwoman) + nmlnm (nonman loving nonman). i think my issue with these terms as labels is that. i see their origin + use coming from this urge to draw really clear + distinct lines around labels in a way that ultimately reinforces gender essentialism. like here i'll trace it:

people use "gay" and "lesbian" as umbrella terms to broadly describe relationships involving two men or two women. so, in the context of fiction + fandom, people will talk about gay + lesbian fics/ships etc

some people decide that "gay" and "lesbian" aren't inclusive enough as labels, because what if one of the partners is bi/pan/identifies as something other than gay or lesbian??

ok, so we need a more inclusive term! let's use words like "sapphic" and "achillean," or "wlw" (woman loving woman) and "mlm" (men loving men)

wlw + mlm start to become more popular as umbrella terms

but wait!!!!! what about nonbinary people?!?!?!?!?!?!!??!

once again, people decide that mlm + wlw are not inclusive enough umbrella terms, because they do not encompass every possible label that someone might identify with

"nmlnm" and "nwlnw" are introduced as even more inclusive umbrella terms

so here are the issues i'm seeing in the evolution of these umbrella terms:

1. hyper-focusing on labels in this way is not productive

like. let's go back to "gay" and "lesbian." let's say, for example, that two women are in a relationship. even if both id as bi, there's nothing wrong with calling that a lesbian relationship, because functionally, that relationship is going to be treated as lesbian by society. like, if we are focusing on experiences and not labels, then gay + lesbian work perfectly fine as umbrella terms. their purpose is not to encompass every single possible configuration of identity that two people in a relationship might hold; their purpose is to communicate to people looking at the label that this relationship falls under a broad category of relationships that are received a certain way by the world at large. y'know?

no umbrella term is ever going to encompass every specific experience that falls beneath it, because that isn't the point of umbrella terms. umbrella terms are useful for grouping broad categories of people who share experiences, even if they don't necessarily share specific identities.

furthermore, both "lesbian" and "gay" are, in and of themselves, somewhat nebulous terms that not everybody is going to use in the same way, and they are also culturally + historically specific terms that have changed over time. if we start to try and draw really clear lines around them, or set firm rules around who does + doesn't get to identify a certain way, eventually you're going to encounter someone who doesn't fit the rules you've created, and that's how you get stupid fucking online debates about shit like whether or not trans men are "allowed" to identify as lesbian.

the utility in labels is in identifying shared experiences. ok? what matters isn't nitpicking each other's language, it's looking at the way we're treated by the world as queers and finding sites of solidarity. so somebody referring to categories of relationships as "lesbian" and "gay" isn't excluding anyone, unless you're hyper-focused on labels rather than experiences. it's like fucking.....vampire rules. like i'm throwing a party, and the door is wide open, and then u come up to the door and ur like "umm u need to invite me in." and i'm like ??? the door's wide open if u want to come in u should just come in....and ur like "no u don't understand i have to follow VAMPIRE RULES and that means u need to follow them too or ur excluding me!!!"

like. ur not a fucking vampire babe. just come inside.

2. feels like....a weird conceptualization of "nonbinary." to me.

because "nmlnm" and "nwlnw" have basically just become interchangable with "wlw" and "mlm," it kinda just feels like....people grouping whatever they consider women and Women Lite, and then men and Men Lite. y'know? like babe i'm sorry but if u are actually trying to break down all gender binaries here to include every single possible nonbinary person...well where is a boydyke like me supposed to go between ur little labeled "nonman" and "nonwoman" boxes hmm?? sorry but ur gonna have 2 get rid of the "man" and "woman" from ur labels altogether i fear. which leads into...

3. saying "non-man" and "non-woman" still ultimately leads back to gender essentialism bc it requires u to define "man" and "woman"

like. either we accept that umbrella terms have leaky borders and will never fully encompass every possible identity, but that's okay because, again, the borders aren't these clearly drawn lines but rather porous and amorphous and shifting--or we insist that labels must exist within clearly delineated boxes so that we can Categorize Every Identity, in which case you end up with labels like "non-man" and "non-woman" which, though supposedly inclusive, require you to provide a set definition of both "woman" and "man" in order to explain what you are defining your category against. and once you start trying to find set definitions to categorize "men" and "women"....well guess what's gonna happen babes!!!!!! that's right!!! we're gonna stray back into the territory of gender essentialism.

like. at the end of the day i basically just see "nwlnw" and "nmlnm" labels as an extension of this exhausting tendency to try and draw really clear borders around every identity in the queer community, which is antithetical to what queerness even is and ultimately leads to a bunch of useless in-fighting. i'm sure the people using these terms are just trying to be inclusive, but the issue is that your "inclusivity" relies on exclusivity in the first place by treating labels as strict borders that are exclusive to anyone who doesn't fit the criteria you've decided they need to fit to claim them. y'know?

in conclusion: i will be sticking with lesbian + gay + dyke + fag for my umbrella terms thank u very much <3

#i do use wlw + mlm sometimes but....honestly i don't even like those ones lol #obviously language changes but u can pry 'dyke' from my cold dead hands #everyone else at my job is on vacation <3 but i am required 2 come into the empty building <3 to sit and do nothing <3 #so.....niche online gender discourseposting time hell yeah baby #txt