#oh whats this?? the urge to *** even tho ive been so good for like...quite awhile???

[soldier-poet-king]

death pain pain pain death evil evil evil evil

anyway. everything is horrible bad forever. and like. yes the duty and the obligation. and that’s all that matters. and everytime i lose sight of that and think maybe there is even the smallest bit more. i am wrong. i am shown again and again to be wrong, and it’s always my fault. directly or indirectly, it is my own blame. 

im so tired

#lmao i have to be up in like. 6 hrs. for convocation. #i dont even want to go anymore #and then brother 3 confirmation on saturday #i want to lie in bed in the dark until i feel like a person again #or even the ghost of a person #i want to do something horrible and destructive but ive trained my brain too well to do that shit anymore #so i just have to. sit. with my feelings. this fuckin sucks #constantly having the worst and also some of the best opinions of myself reinforced #call that the duality of fran #but mostly its just. existential dread and self loathing and guilt #and proving some of teen me's fears right #not all. i have grown in so many ways. but there's a significant sticking point. and it is such a burden #oh whats this?? the urge to *** even tho ive been so good for like...quite awhile??? #maybe so :)