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for-the-brokenhearted · 4 years

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1/23/2020

i am actually getting freaked out about how much time is passing without me logging in or anything. a lot of course has happened in the 7+ months ive been gone. its like a fucking pregnancy

ive literally been gone almost long enough to have a fucking child. i should start writing in here more, bobbi even suggested that. i had a meltdown at her house a couple of weeks ago and she gave me some really great advice....jase too.

i was upset bc craig and i had another fight. we had just gotten back from ny and i got sick with sinus infection and pink eye. wonderful. he came over and gave me some schpeel about...wait...schpiel? shpealllll....shpiel??

*clears throat*

....about how he would like for us to be a couple that has great self discipline and shit... blah blah blah. im so annoyed. not only was it the most imperfect timing (me feeling as bad as i look) but as if i already didnt feel like shit.

this september, on MY birthday actually, we had a huge blowout bc i just couldnt take it anymore. i was sick of feeling fat, imperfect, ugly, not fit, all that jazz.

what caused it all was him pointing out how i had bad posture while driving to his house. i fucking lost my shit.

“WHY THE FUCK DO YOU KEEP POINTING OUT MY INSECURITIES I FEEL LIKE IM NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU IM SICK OF THIS SHIT I SHOULD NOT FEEL THIS BAD ABOUT MYSELF ALL THE TIME AND IM SICK OF THE PASSIVE AGRESSIVE COMMENTS YOU MAKE ABOUT ME AND MY BODY AND I FEEL LIK EVERY TIME YOU TOUCH ME ITS LIKE YOU’RE EVALUATING MY BODY FAT”

to be fair, i shoudlnt have blown the fuck up. but come on. i had been dealing with this shit for over two years. since float fest, maybe even before that. which is awful bc i shouldnt feel so bad everytime i look in the mirror.

when im with my boyfriend or future husband or whatever...i should feel like the most beatufiyl person, inside and out. like i can tell him EVERYTHING and not feel like i have to lie to protect myself.

this is just scary bc the bottom line is lately i havent felt like that. in a long time. like prob over a year. which sucks.

anyways, the solution i came up with was to not talk about food, health, or fitness for 3 months. yup. i laid down the law.

but at the same time, i needed to. this had really manifested itself into something super super ugly. where when we went out to eat i would order what i would think he would WANT me to order, not bc he said anything, but bc of the pressure i felt whether that was coming from him or me.

i would also lie about getting fast food by myself or feel happy when i would skip a meal bc it was less calories- these are very unhealthy behaviors and i did tons more.

i felt like the little commesnt like grande girl or glutton girl really got to me and he probably felt like he could make those comments safely bc i wasnt fat or unhealthy. but he made me feel like it.

im still working on it everyday, but right now im hitting a wall.

Bobbi told me to start writing more bc i think the stream of consciousness helps me cope. and i know shes right. i tell craig the same thing and he says it helps him gather his thoughts and whatnot.

i went over to her house freaking out bc i found myself in a state where i’m afraid of everything- this is actually my current state. i just had a major realization.

im afraid of love. marriage. committment.. running. exercising. living together. moving forward- even though that's everything i want

craig also said that he felt like hes not allowed to touch me and we havent had sex in a while. bobbi pointed out that this is probably bc i wasnt taking care of myself and bc I didnt like MYSELF so i didnt want anyone near me.

she was def right about that.

so i started doing more for myself and prioritizing the things i needed to do over everything else. its been nice. i even took a bath today. and the thing is craig is happy when i do things for myself like that. which is great.

but im still defensive and i still reject physical touch. i dont feel that kind of love i felt for craig at the beginning and he probably knows that. weve been through so much and ifeel like i dont know what to do.

i feel like were so unhealthy and i feel like things are always so fucking hard. i mean you know whats batshit crazy....? weve been dating for almost 5 motherfucking years.

im so upset. not that weve been dating for that long, but because i feel like were still in such a juvenile spot. i got made earlier in 2019 bc craig is JUST NOW thinking about marriage and is having a forward thinking mindset. justnow. i am 25. im just sick of dating someone younger than me sometimes.

i want to be lead. i want someone whos there for me. i want security, reliabiolity, etc.

last night we atually got into an arguemnt over bobbi and jase: tl;dr i feel like hes weird aroudn them and didnt liek the fact that he says a ton of outlandish negative untrue bullshit about jase and its not even true. its just based off of the “vibes” he gets. i dont do that. i try to be as kind as i can to everyone and i just feel like he has a lack of tolerance. i dont like that. i want him to have a good heart and treat everyone as they should be regardless of their background, unhealthy habits etc.

i just feel like maybe the more we grow old or whatever, the less compatible were getting. and im exhausted. i dont feel like dating anyone else i dont even feel like dating him sometimes.

something cool we did discover, along with the fact that i need to take care of myself more is that in the relationship i have alwasy been “on” or “on call” in a way of alwasy being alert and never at rest bc i feel like he needs me to show up somewhere and in a way it was my way of showing that i cared about the relationship bc it was always top of mind, wrong. i am tired and maybe thats why i always got on his ass about random bullshit bc i felt like i was always putting in way more effort than he was, bc i was. in a bad way.

I'm really lost and i don't know what to do. I've been in new Orleans (still am) for Kaltura connect and its been super fun to meet a ton of cool people. but i am so tired, I worked almost a 12 hour day yesterday and conferences are exhausting.

maybe im feeling this way bc I'm tired? i just hope we get it back even though sometimes it feels like we wont’. our relationship has always been so volatile form the very beginning and i was hoping that over time it would get better. in some ways it has, in some ways it hasnt.

i look at couples and marriage photos and see the love and the joy these other people experience and i wonder if i will ever get that. sometimes with craig i think yes, but sometimes i think no. what if this ends. i know ill be okay if it does but obviously thats not ideal. the thing is that were not even married and i dont feel that now, will i ever? will it come back? im praying for an amazing and safe but spontaneous love and ive been praying that for a while, i just dont know if ill ever get that with him. is this God telling me this is the end? then again, ive felt like this before

like last year 12.23.18 when craig called me a slut and called my family psychos at the slc track bc i accidentally threw keys at my face. it took me the majority of 2019 to get over that. and to get over the fact that 4 months later i was going to be fired from wells fargo.

bottom line is im getting older and i feel like i don't have time for stupid bullshit or to feeol bad about myself, but the problem is that i still do. maybe this is just the beginning of the end. we love each other so much- i really do and i mean it. sometimes i feel like i could never be this comfortable with anyone ever again, but then again i said that last time with chad.

fuckkkkkkkkk i hate feeling like this. i hate being so unsure about everything and feeling like shit. i feel lonely bc sometimes our disagreements are so bad. i just want him to grow up and get over htis shit or maybe its just time to move on.

hes already done some growing up but i cant keep banking on that to happen in a long term plan bc what happens if he doesnt..... then what.

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