#part of their mind stuck at sixteen crying in a corner at the vienna konzerthaus

[theresa-of-liechtenstein]

when i knocked on my conductor’s office door this afternoon she yelled ‘COME IN’ but it was locked so i imagine her reaction upon opening the door was probably something like ‘who left this upset and trembling chihuahua on my doorstep? oh, it’s just em.’

#conductor reading my thank you email before i told her what happened: oh she’s adorable! #conductor looking at me after the spring concert party: oh she’s traumatized! #like. at what point should i just accept that i probably have PTSD from what happened at my last group. #it’s been four years and it still affects my personal and professional relationships #to such a point where i’m just [gestures with disgust at self] #ugh i suck. but i will not hear a single bad word against my conductor. i owe her so much #it’s just. last year i didn’t feel anything bc i was too busy learning how to coexist in an orchestra again #and also i had a layer of stands to hide behind #i had very little one on one interaction with her #now it’s like i talk to her all the time #i’m sitting right in front of her. looking her right in the face #i’m feeding off her energy trying to translate her gestures into music #and all the fear comes screaming back even though i Know. objectively. i am safe #there’s so much disconnect bc i feel frustrated bc i think my fear is preventing me from being the best i can be #there are so many places in the rep this year where the seconds are very prominently featured #and every rehearsal she says we can come out more #so everyone is just following the lead of this scared little creature who still has #part of their mind stuck at sixteen crying in a corner at the vienna konzerthaus #we can come out more. dolce. dolcissimo. I KNOW. GIRL I KNOW. I KNOW I CAN READ THE FUCKING PART #ITS JJST ME THATS THE PROBLEM #but other than that she seems. so happy with me. she’s always telling me to keep up the good work #like sure it’s good work but it doesn’t feel like my Best work #and i want to give her my Best work because #fuck it she helped give me back my smile #just like how my violin teacher helped give me back my smile #so of COURSE i want to give them my Best! it’s the least i can do! #anyways. what a fucking day #em jumped up busker #music is about love #<- for journaling