#pretty much a drabble about kakashi going thru a depressive episode sorry.

[thousandbirds]

you are alone.

you are alone. the awareness spreads--- a bleak cloud, a weighty mass hanging over his head. threatening to reach down and suffocate him. always hovering at the corner of his eye--- he is never not aware of it, as is natural, since desolation is not something you run away from. 

the lonely, the alienated, they know there’s no escape. you can’t run from something that lives inside your bones. from thoughts that haunt you from inside your own head.

you are alone and alone and alone and nobody really knows you. nobody knows. the loneliness knows you though. it knows you. it knows of all the times you spent staring at the ceiling, as the sun set, as the sun rose again. it knows all the hours spent under the blaze of water at the highest settling in your shower, hours watching the water swirl down the drain in-between your feet while your hands, your hands tried to forget the ghost-memory of blood dripping, dripping down your fingers like tar. nails etched themselves against the tiles.

that blood. it never l e f t you.

does it hurt worse because you had the chance to be more---? the chance to become...... part of an us. an our. a together. a potential two in place of the zero he is now and was, even back then. friends. they were friends, weren’t they? for such a short time. for such a short amount of time, but they were friends. 

he didn’t allow himself to be more, for all that he could see she wanted to be more. but those were just the...... the fictitious dream of having the perfect kakashi as a boyfriend--- why did so many girls think like that? rin too, at the academy, had those thoughts. he didn’t get it. 

but what she felt for him, that was more of a love for an ideal than a love for him as a person. he didn’t think much on it, honestly. 

she didn’t try to force things. just, looked at him. he wasn’t as ignorant as to mistake the longing that appeared in those eyes. but it wasn’t love. not really. her friendship he could take, for it came with no requirements. but he couldn’t commit to something more, that asked for so much of him ( he didn’t know how to give what her eyes asked for--- ). perhaps he should have. 

his mind keeps tracing back his steps. wondering where the most fatal one was taken.

does it hurt worse because you were steps away from opening yourself to her, or are you deluded? have the years washed away the gritty details? have the years n u m b e d down the truth of her memory? 

she never deserved to sort through the mess that was his psyche. what made him think she deserved that disappointment? he was a failure. he was trash. he was way less than that. why did his mind always turn back to that time and hope for impossible things.......... why did he always try and make himself into a better person than he really is.......... even if she offered--- rin - thoughtful - protective - caring - rin--- and she kept offering, didn’t she?

kakashi, you can talk to me. kakashi, are you okay ? kakashi, please, let me help you. ka ka shi . k a k a s h i .

why did he entertain the possibility. was he truly that lonely. wondering what it would be like, if he had been in love with a girl dead for over twelve years. wondering if it was just safer for his subconscious to latch onto such a far-fetched concept, than to contemplate pursuing a real relationship with someone in the present. in the now. alive.

yes. certainly. dead people had no way to hurt him. not more than they a l r e a d y had. 

the cloying loneliness that lived in his chest wasn’t going to be satisfied with fantasies about the future he could have had in a different reality, one where he made the right choices--- but he wasn’t emotionally prepared to take the risk. of sharing his inner self with someone real. with falling for someone real. the stakes were too high.

nobody knows you. nor will ever know you.

get used to it.

#second person / #blood / #dissociation / #pretty much a drabble about kakashi going thru a depressive episode sorry. #if you need me to tak smthing else lmk ! #headcanon tag. #ALSO YES this is a mess to read....... just. run-on sentences. lost train of thought. #but it's on brand w kakashi ok.