#rhea's hyperfix recovery journal

[jrheatriz]

day 0.

// stress, anxiety

this is rhea's hyperfix recovery journal!! here i record my thoughts and reactions to forcefully severing myself from my hyperfix. These hyperfixes include tommyinnit (cc), mcyt/dsmp-adjacent twitter, and the content surrounding these spheres.

It has been about 15-20 minutes since i deactivated. i feel jittery, anxious, and have a nagging annoying urge to go back and see what people are doing on twitter. i also really really hope some people on there visit me here. Also hi tumblr moots!! hopefully you don't think i'm too weird for doing this, but i feel that it will help me develop a healthier relationship with my current unhealthy hyperfixation. don't worry, this won't be the only thing i talk about on here, but if this stuff really weirds you out, i'm going to tag it!! the tags are #rhea's hyperfix recovery journal and #rhrj .

i'm also thinking a lot about the content i made while i was neck deep in my hyperfix. (for reference, after deactivating i am now collar-bone deep.) Interestingly, my hyperfixation on the dsmp lore specifically seems to have a less anxiety-inducing effect on me than the aforementioned ones. likely this is because after the whole drm is a vile fucking groomer thing, i couldn't bring myself to interact with his lore in the same way.

but anyways, i'd been thinking about iarh and the other fics i had in the works before i had decided to leave twitter and separate myself from tommy's content. i'm not sure if i want to continue them, but i'm also not sure i want to set them aside. Before now i'd been thinking about how realistically, the ctommy you see in fics isn't really that close to c!tommy or cc!tommy. they're all inaccurate, and extrapolated far from their original source. unfortunately, iarh isn't, but some of the other fics kind of are. they're not based on dsmp fiction of irl tommy fact, but a weird in-between.

I'm seeing a lot of other fan content creators setting the line between portraying drm in their works, and i've also spoken on that myself. for now, tentatively, i will probably add to the works i had planned to publish as more of a light hobby than a writing goal or writing practice. (that's how i had been trying to treat it before, because it helped me develop my personal productivity skills in my writing.)

tldr, i'm kinda sorta still in the process of writing fics, with the same rules as i had before i deactivated and after the stuff abt drm came out. in my process to become Normal, i may find that these fics will no longer interest me! or i could save them for later use, maybe with oc's rather than the dsmp-adjacent characters. i could also continue on the path i'm on now, who knows.

this is all i feel like writing about this now. i am very tired and exhausted. goodnight, to the 11 people on here who might know or care about what i'm talking about. see you again at some point.

#rhea's hyperfix recovery journal #rhrj

[jrheatriz]

current events

i have officially deactivated!! hello tumblr friends. i'm calling this era of my life my "month long vacation to Normal Town". which tumblr should never be classified as but considering how i was practically addicted to twitter this is definitely a step up.

Also! i've been considering a few things for my month away from dsmp/mcyt/innittwt. and that is: to study myself. you may be wondering, "jay, what the fuck do u mean by that." Which is a valid question, bc that does sound insane. However, on my quest towards self-reflection i have discovered that i might have quite literally had an addiction to innittwt or tommy's content or something like that.

this is not the first time i've thought seriously about leaving, but the last few times i did, i experienced a few honest-to-god withdrawal symptoms. (these include headaches, vomiting, chills, anxiety, depression, and irritability.) Which if i think about it hard enough, it makes sense; if a hyperfix comes from the adhd brain latching onto a specific subject to get seratonin, the lack of that subject may cause a minor version of seratonin withdrawal.

As you can imagine, this was really fucking weird to think about. It also makes me wonder what's gonna happen now that i've actively tried to intervene with my addiction/hyperfix to certain content creators and just dsmp-adjacent twitter in general. so, to keep myself sane, i have decided to keep track of my thought processes and behavior throughout the month. Perhaps u guys will witness my descent into madness!!!

it's not gonna be easy; as i'm typing this, i'm already considering going back. but no. this is progress, and i can't fall back on it. so yeah! that's where i'm at rn. sorry for the long post, if that's a thing ppl apologize for on here.

#rhea's hyperfix recovery journal #rhrj #why is it so hard for me to be normal