#rom grant us notes I've wasted hours on this

[lumentears]

Bloodborne Bosses rated by how they smell, from worst to best

22. The Orphan of Kos

Imagine the world's grungiest harbour. Imagine smelling algae, rotting seawood and a million dead, decomposing fish bobbing belly-up on the waves. Now imagine giving birth there.

Rating: I'm counting the fact that the good hunter does not spend the first seconds of the fight dry-heaving as a plot hole.

21. The One Reborn

Look at it. It's a few dozen dead people held together with superglue. You cannot expect it to smell like anything other than rotting flesh and blood and whatever birth juices the moon had to offer.

Rating: They do say babies have a special newborn smell...don't think that's what they meant.

20. The Blood-Starved Beast

I know that smelling of blood is a recurring theme in this list, but look at that thing. Look at it. It clearly smells like blood and the wettest dog that has never been cleaned in its life.

Rating: I've learned that the mane on its head is not in fact matted fur but aaaalll the skin of its body. I haven't slept since.

19: Laurence, The First Vicar

Two words: Burnt. Hair. The man smells like a whole fur coat factory that's been lit on fire.

Rating: A smell that brings tears to any hunters eyes.

18. Ludwig, the Accursed

Expanding our olfactory library, this boss smells not only of blood but also of horse! As someone who has spent some time of their teens in a stable, this is not a compliment. I had to throw away my working jacket.

Rating: A smell not even a horse girl could love.

17. The Witches of Hemwick

They clearly have weaponized old people smell. Just look at them, they are not taking care of their living space or of their bodies. Look at them. There's stuff growing on them.

Rating: I can smell the pickled cabbage from here.

16. Martyr Logarius

He also has the most pungent old people smell, but as opposed to the witches who are marinating in their senior citizen stink, he is located at the top of a windy roof and the smell is slightly dispersed.

Rating: My nose has frozen off, I cannot smell the pickled cabbage anymore.

15. Ebrietas, Daughter of the Cosmos

On the plus side: Ebrietas smell definitely has some notes of petrichor. However, she predominantly smells like petrichor's evil cousin, the smell of all the worms and slugs that used the rain to make the long trek across asphalted streets and died there.

Rating: Smell of my childhood (derogatory).

14. Father Gascoigne

It's not your fault, buddy. After a long night of hunting you will smell like blood and sweat, especially when you're also in the middle of going full beast mode, which also adds the smell of wet dog.

Rating: I don't blame you, buddy, but I will surreptitiously hand you an axe body spray.

13. Cleric Beast

Beats out Father Gascoigne on the technicality that I don't think it can sweat. Otherwise blood, wet dog, you've heard it before.

Rating: Can anyone recommend a pet groomer that specialises in large breeds?

12. Lady Maria of the Astral Clocktower

I know, I know, Lady Maria is big sexy, but she also smells like stale blood and fish guts because you better believe the nightmare won't let her forget. I like to think she at least uses some sort of perfume to mitigate the effects.

Rating: Diversity Win! This woman smells bad!

11: Micolash, Host of the Nightmare

Look at him. Look at his face. You cannot tell me he showers regularly. Bonus points because while he doesn't smell pleasant, there's at least no arcane fuckery going on with his stink. He just doesn't shower.

Rating: Nasty man.

10: Gehrman, the First Hunter

You can't escape the old people smell, but you can mitigate its effects. While Gehrman certainly doesn't seem the most invested in personal hygiene, he doesn't give me the "feral man living off of forgotten snacks in the university library" as Micolash does.

Rating: Congratulations! I wouldn't change seats if he sat down next to me on public transport.

9: Rom, the Vacouus Spider

Her smell is extremely subjective. It's definitely a wet smell, damp basement if I had to narrow it down, and while some people will find it nice and calming other's will check the walls for mold in a panic.

Rating: This post was made by the loving damp basements gang.

8: Darkbeast Paarl

Yes, we are continuing on our "beasts smell like wet dog" campaign, but given that Paarl is barely more than a zappy skeleton, this smell is greatly overpowered by the minutes-before-a-thunderstorm-smell of his electric charge.

Rating: Putting it so high on the list hurt me because I do not like Darkbeast Paarl.

7: The Shadows of Yharnam

I don't think these dudes smell too bad! Maybe their robes have a slight mothball scent, and maybe you will catch a whiff of unclean snake terrarium when you get too close - but they have fire magic and swords to discourage you getting up close and personal anyway.

Rating: Sadly I have had to get close to many an unclean snake terrarium in my life, so I appreciate their social distancing.

6: Amygdala

Guys, I'm stumped. I honestly do not think Amygdala has any smell at all, or at least a smell our brains can recognise. Far outside the smellable spectrum! The perfect true neutral!

Rating: Yes, that means each boss that follows is on the pleasant side of the olfactory scale.

5: Celestial Emissary

With the Celestial Emissary, you get all the benefits of Darkbeast Paarl without the underlying notes of beastlyhood. Points docked only for the smell probably being a bit intense and irritating after a while.

Rating: Enjoyable from a distance, would not recommend huffing.

4: Vicar Amelia

She is freshly transformed. Her fur is clean and not even slightly damp. She's also been surrounded by incense in her chapel. Some points docked for doggy breath, but honestly, she's the best smelling beast out there.

Rating: I'm not a furry I'm nooooottt!!!

3: Living Failures

Whatever the Celestial Emissary has going on, but a bit less intense. No pharmaceutical warning stickers on these funky dudes! The most apt comparison would be the elusive gas station smell.

Rating: Even more reason to be their friend.

2. Mergo's Wetnurse

Now, I hear your questions. How could such a monstrous being be so high up on the list? But listen, Great Ones are not beholden to our earthly scents. They will smell however the fuck they want to smell. And, as a wetnurse, I imagine Mergo's Wetnurse's scent to be a soothing one, if completely uncomparable to any other found on earth.

Rating: To unbury an ancient tumblr meme: Smells like a cinnamon roll but would definitely kill you.

1. The Moon Presence

Contrasting her ghastly appearance, I imagine her smelling quite refeshing, flowery even, much like the hunter's dream itself. Her name is Flora, for crying out loud. Now imagine how the good hunter feels when they realise that nothing in the hunter's dream really gives off its own smell, and that perfume must be coming from somewhere - or something - else.

Rating: It's not a coincidence that Moon Presence sounds like the name of an expensive perfume.

#bloodborne #ebrietas #lady maria #gehrman #micolash #father gascoigne #orphan of kos #rom the vacuous spider #okay tired of tagging now #rom grant us notes I've wasted hours on this