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Radio Abel, Season Two

Part 1b of 6

This section contains variations depending on whether or not you have completed S2M7, “Mummy’s Hand.”

If you HAVE completed S2M7, continue reading. If you NOT completed S2M7, read Part 1a.

Additional dialogue is indicated by italics.

[sequence of three low beeps followed by one high beep plays twice]

AUTOMATED VOICE: Iteration four zero three two.

[sequence of three low beeps]

EUGENE WOODS: You'll be able to grab it from our Rofflenet servers within the next two days.

JACK HOLDEN: So there you have it, listeners! At long last, our survivor's cookbook is ready for release. How do you feel about it, Eugene?

EUGENE WOODS: Well, it was hard work, it took me a while, but you know, I think in the end, it - [indistinct shouting] Do you think... ?

JACK HOLDEN: I'm sure it's fine.

EUGENE WOODS: This... this doesn't sound normal.

JACK HOLDEN: I meain, I'm sure it's fine!

EUGENE WOODS: I don't know! It's – it's -

JACK HOLDEN: Let me just... one second. I'll be right back. Is that smoke? Gene, you'd better come look -

[explosion]

[one high beep, followed by sequence of three low beeps and one high beep]

[sequence of three low beeps followed by one high beep plays twice]

AUTOMATED VOICE: Iteration four zero three three.

[sequence of three low beeps]

EUGENE WOODS: You'll be able to grab it from our Rofflenet servers within the next two days.

JACK HOLDEN: So there you have it, listeners! At long last, our survivor's cookbook is ready for release. How do you feel about it, Eugene?

[PHIL CHEESEMAN grunts, mutters under his breath. Static begins to obscure dialogue]

EUGENE WOODS: Well, it was hard work, it took me a while, but you know, I think in the end, it - [indistinct shouting] Do you think... ?

JACK HOLDEN: I'm sure it's fine.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Nearly there... come on!

EUGENE WOODS: This... this doesn't sound normal.

JACK HOLDEN: I mean, I'm sure it's fine!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Come on!

EUGENE WOODS: I don't know! It's – it's -

PHIL CHEESEMAN: All right...

JACK HOLDEN: Let me just... one second. I'll be right back.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Let's try... mother-!

JACK HOLDEN: Is that smoke? Gene, you'd better come look -

[explosion]

[one high beep, followed by sequence of three low beeps and one high beep]

[static; sequence of three low beeps followed by one high beep plays twice]

AUTOMATED VOICE: Iteration four zero three four.

PHIL CHEESEMAN. Come on, come on!

[sequence of three low beeps]

EUGENE WOODS: You'll be able to grab it from our Rofflenet servers within the next few days.

JACK HOLDEN: So there you have it, listeners! At long last, our survivor's cookbook – [drowned out by static]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: - bane of my life, I swear. All right! [clears throat] Listeners at Abel, listeners at New Canton: we are deeply sorry for the loss of your radio hosts. Their service will be remembered fondly. But we here at New Canton believe that the best way to honor their memory is... is to ensure their legacy carries on. And so, after a short break for me to finish setting up, we will return with a new era of post-civilization radio programming.

[static]

EUGENE WOODS: Almost there... almost there...

JACK HOLDEN: Just one more...

EUGENE WOODS: No, no, worse! Much worse!

JACK HOLDEN: Damn! Damn it! [obscured by static; static fades]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Hello, ci-ti-zens! You're listening to Radio New Tomorrow! After the unfortunate incident over at Abel, we're filling the empty airwaves with all the news, views, and, um... mus-ic! you could ask for.

So, I... um, right... uh, this is Radio New Tomorrow, New Canton's own radio station! [mutters] I said that already, didn't I? Yes. [out loud] Uh, but some of you listening aren't from New Canton. We've got all those Abel refugees, and the other settlements that have come into the fold since the attack. So, what would you like to know?

The news! Yes. Okay. Uh, well, uh, the west field's been planted now, so that's good. We all wanted a bit more spinach in our food, [laughs] don't we? Runner One Four Six found a new recipe book in that burned-out WHSmith's in town, and for once, it isn't a Jamie Oliver!

Oh, and the hens have been laying great, apparently. All the new cockerel must have got their juices flowing. So, it's Eggs Florentine for everyone! Well, everyone who eats out of Kitchens Seven, Twelve, and Twenty. We haven't got that many eggs.

Okay, um, that's all the food news, apart from the incident with the brown sauce, but that's best forgotten. So, I'll be back with other news after this musical interlude!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: What a tune. Political news now, ci-ti-zens! You all know about the council selections. Five new citizens have been chosen at random to help run New Canton. It's exactly the way they did things in Ancient Athens, only they probably didn't use an old Camelot lotto machine to pick people. [laughs] Anyway, well done to Fiona Singh, Russell Reed, Louise Bushet – Bou... Bouch... Bouchet? B - Louise, Gavin Porter, and Alison Whiting.

It's a proud moment when you're picked to help lead us all into a bright new future, but... we're all glad the Permanent Advisory Council is still here to, you know, advise. There's nothing like the benefit of experience, is there? And these guys have been running – I mean, advising – the show since Day Zero.

The thing is, when you pick people at random, you can end up with really random people, which is – obviously, that's the point, only... there was that whole Peter Griffiths thing. Do you remember that? He was picked to be Head Kitchen Administrator, but he had mental health issues.

No, let's call a spade a spade. He was as nutty as a fruitcake. Don't really know why he decided to put caustic soda on the roast potatoes, but he did. Five hundred potatoes. It's amazing no one died. So, now Mister Griffiths is being looked after in Building Nine, and the Permanent Advisory Council are keeping a closer eye on things.

So, yeah. That's the news on the recent council selections. I'll be back with more after this!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: What a lovely song. And next, I've got a surprise for you! You and me both, in fact. I was talking about the Permanent Advisory Council, and now Esteban Sosa's here! Right here in the studio with me.

ESTEBAN SOSA: Hola. Thank you, Philip. I'm sorry to interrupt your workflow in this way, but there is a press release to share with our citizens. Philip has been doing so well on the radio. Excellent efficiency report. And now, he'll be even better because we are bringing in a new coworker for him!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: A... coworker?

ESTEBAN SOSA: Yes. A cohost for your radio show. And she has in-job experience. She was a DJ on the radio before Day Zero, but we're most fortunate that everyone turned into zombies since she fled to New Canton.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Right. That's a real piece of luck. Uh, what's her name then, this new DJ?

ESTEBAN SOSA: Zoe Crick. She will be joining you soon and greatly improving efficiency.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [whispers] But I thought I was efficient. Am I not efficient enough? I can try harder.

ESTEBAN SOSA: You are perfectly efficient, Philip, but there is always room for improvement, yes? We must aim high, even when we fall short. This is our motto, is it not?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah, I suppose.

ESTEBAN SOSA: And now it is time for another song.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Is it? Oh yeah, okay. Here you go, ci-ti-zens. I – I mean, me and Zoe Crick, I suppose – will be back soon.

[static]

EUGENE WOODS: What about now?

JACK HOLDEN: No, it was much better when you had your hand there -

EUGENE HOLDEN: Here?

JACK HOLDEN: Yeah, just put your hand back on that bit of wire, and -

EUGENE HOLDEN: Ow! Mother-[drowned out by static; static fades]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Welcome back, ci-ti-zens! We promised it was going to happen, and now it has. I'd like to introduce my new cohost on Radio New Tomorrow: the one, the only, Zoe Crick!

ZOE CRICK: Hi.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: ... Right! Do you want to, I don't know, tell us a bit about yourself?

ZOE CRICK: Sure. I'm 5'4", blonde hair, hazel eyes. Good sense of humor, not a great cook. Once had a cat called Pickles. Got eaten by the undead, you know how it goes. How about you, Phil? Any zombie-related pet disasters in your past?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Uh, no.

ZOE CRICK: Okay then. Maybe we need to work a bit on the banter? Get snappy, liven things up a little? Cheer up an audience that, let's be honest, probably needs all the cheering up it can get.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Uh, I was cheerful before. Uh, I made people happy before you came along.

ZOE CRICK: I'm sure you did. Do you have any evidence for that?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: People wrote me letters to say how much they liked the show. I've got four right here.

ZOE CRICK: Four. Wow. You know what, let's shoot for the stars and try to get that up to a round half dozen. Maybe this little ditty will help.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Welcome back, ci-ti-zens. You're listening to Radio New Tomorrow, bringing you all the hits, all of the time.

ZOE CRICK: Or the hits we pilfer from HMV on the occasions we have enough power to transmit them. On the plus side, we guarantee absolutely no adverts, because there's nothing left to buy.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: And that's the irrepressible wit of my brand new cohost, Zoe Crick! Coming up next: feng shui. Now it can bring your home back to life.

ZOE CRICK: No, you're not hallucinating. We really are going to be talking about feng shui.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Don't go away. [whispers] You could at least make an effort! That's why Esteban picked you to do this. You used to be a professional DJ!

ZOE CRICK: Yes, I was. With Radio Norwich.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Would you rather be out there with the runners, dodging zoms?

ZOE CRICK: [laughs] Good point. Back to the song now, listeners. Yes, Phil. The mic was still on.

ZOE CRICK: So. Phil. I believe you were going to tell us about feng shui.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yes! Feng shui, the auspicious art of the ancients, is of great benefit to modern man -

ZOE CRICK: He's reading this from a book, by the way.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: - modern man, whose home is unbalanced by monolithic forces of order and disharmony.

ZOE CRICK: And I think it might have been self-published. [PHIL CHEESEMAN sighs] Maybe you'd like to sum it up in your own words, Phil. Ones that actually make sense.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Right. Uh, well uh, feng shui is... it's a way of organizing your home so it, you know, uh, helps your life aspirations.

ZOE CRICK: That's great! My aspiration's not to be eaten by zombies. What would you suggest for that?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, uh... for example, if you've got a neighbor you don't like, you can put a mirror facing them. It reflects back all their negative energy. Oh, and you should always look after your door. It's where the chi enters your home.

ZOE CRICK: Mm. Also, the undead.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Are you going to take this seriously or not?

ZOE CRICK: I'm going to have to go with... not.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, that's great! It's going to be so much fun working with you.

ZOE CRICK: It's going to be a delight for both of us. And most of all, for our listeners. We'll be back with more, but in the meantime, here's a little tune that always restores my harmony.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [mockingly imitates ZOE CRICK] Restores my harmony.

[static]

JACK HOLDEN: I honestly don't know what else to try.

EUGENE WOODS: You'll think of something.

JACK HOLDEN: They must have some kind of monster transmitter over there that's just totally shutting us out. I can't compete with that!

EUGENE WOODS: Hey! Of course you can. You're Jack freaking Holden. You can compete with anything!

JACK HOLDEN: All right. Hand me that - [drowned out by static; static fades]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: We'd like to say a big hello to all those Abel refugees who've joined us over the last few weeks. We know you've been having a tough time of it, but don't worry. You'll soon find your feet.

ZOE CRICK: Yes! Give it a month, and you'll be fully absorbed into the collective.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [sighs] She's joking! No, I mean, she really is joking. I know what you used to say about us at Abel, but it was a massive misunderstanding! There's a reason we called our radio station New Tomorrow. It's because we're all about hope in New Canton. We're hoping we can build a better world in the ashes of the old one.

[sound effect of someone vomiting violently]

ZOE CRICK: Sorry! Pressed the wrong button.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I didn't know we had sound effects.

ZOE CRICK: Yes. I've started creating a library. If there's one thing civilization needs to restart itself, it's comedy drum rolls on tap.

[sound effect of a percussion sting]

[PHIL CHEESEMAN laughs]

ZOE CRICK: So let me try to summarize the New Canton philsophy, Phil. I'm a newcomer here, too, so I want to make sure I'm getting it right. You all basically thought, "Life has given us lemons" - and by lemons, I mean zombies [humorless laugh] – "so let's make lemonade" – and by lemonade, I mean invent an entirely new social order from scratch.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah, you can take the mickey all you want, but we're trying to make a triumph out of a tragedy. What's wrong with that?

[sound effect of someone vomiting violently]

ZOE CRICK: Sorry! Slipped again. I don't know about you, listeners, but I could do with a song.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [whispers] - acting above it all, but we've got a job to do. If you didn't want it, you shouldn't have taken it. I was quite happy on my own.

ZOE CRICK: Mm. Unlike most of your audience.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: That's rich, coming from you. You know what? You're the most mierable, stuck-up -

ZOE CRICK: And talking of our audience, welcome back, listeners.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh! Oh. Right.

ZOE CRICK: As you can see, you've caught us in the middle of a lively debate. Phil's offered the opinion that I'm an infuriating pain in the ass, and my counterpoint is that he just hasn't taken the time to get to know me properly.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: All right, then. Tell me something about yourself. Something proper.

ZOE CRICK: Really?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah, really.

ZOE CRICK: [sighs] Fine. What do you want to know?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Okay... how did you end up in New Canton?

ZOE CRICK: By accident. I was actually heading back home. My old family home in Peterborough, not my flat in Norwich. It's funny, isn't it? You grow up, you start to think your parents are idiots. Then something awful happens, and suddenly you just want your mom to tell you it's all going to be okay.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Did she?

ZOE CRICK: She didn't get the chance. Whole horde of zoms started chasing me - probably disgruntled listeners - and I hightailed it out of there. Kept moving from settlement. The zombies kept taking them out. I started to think they had it in for me. And eventually I reached New Canton. In retrospect, maybe I should have taken my chances with the zoms.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: You know your trouble, Zoe? You try to make a joke out of everything. But sometimes, you have to be serious. You can't laugh at everything.

ZOE CRICK: Yes I can.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: But you shouldn't. I don't.

ZOE CRICK: Right. So you never laugh at inappropriate times? I think we should put that to the test.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, what? You going to try and give me the giggles? It won't work. You're just not that funny.

ZOE CRICK: Ah, but what about the funniest joke of all time? If that doesn't make you laugh, then nothing will, right? QED.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah, but this is a family show.

ZOE CRICK: Good jokes don't have to be filthy.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, they kind of do.

ZOE CRICK: Nope. I'll tell you the funniest joke of all time.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Uh...

ZOE CRICK: Why does Edward Woodward have so many Ds in his name?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: You've got to be kidding me.

ZOE CRICK: Why does Edward Woodward have so many Ds in his name?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I don't know! Why does Edward Woodward have so many Ds in his name?

ZOE CRICK: Because if he didn't, he'd be called Ewar Woowar. [PHIL CHEESEMAN snorts] See? He laughed.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I did not.

ZOE CRICK: And there's your proof, listeners. If bad jokes can make even Phil smile, they really are the answer to everything.

[static]

JACK HOLDEN: Damn it! How is the signal so strong?

EUGENE WOODS: Can't you just, I don't know, boost the relay or something?

JACK HOLDEN: This isn't Star Trek.

EUGENE WOODS: Reverse the polarity.

JACK HOLDEN: I'm a DJ, Jim, not a miracle-worker!

[static fades]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: That one always brings a tear to my eye. Now, ci-ti-zens, today's game is Myth or Mistake.

ZOE CRICK: I still think it's a stupid name.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: No, it's not. We're debunking dangerous urban legends. It's a public service.

ZOE CRICK: But it's not myth or mistake. The myths are the mistakes. It's true or false.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, that's boring.

ZOE CRICK: Myth or Gospel?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: That doesn't alliterate.

ZOE CRICK: Yeah, bloody hell, how could I have forgotten to do that?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: It needs to be memorable, that's all I'm saying.

ZOE CRICK: Urban Myth or Suburban Miss?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, now you're just spouting any old nonsense.

ZOE CRICK: Nonsense or Zom Sense?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, that's... actually quite good.

ZOE CRICK: [sighs] We'll be back with more Nonsense or Zom Sense right after this.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Now, we need to talk about – I think some people are calling it "short pig."

ZOE CRICK: I don't like the sound of that.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah. I wish I could tell you it isn't, but it is. Some citizens have been eating zombie flesh.

ZOE CRICK: Are they insane? I mean, before they eat the meat.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, the thing is, there's this story going around that if you roast it for five hours, it's perfectly healthy.

ZOE CRICK: Hmm. Put in a clove of garlic and a sprinkle of oregano, you'd have zombie kleftiko. [PHIL CHEESEMAN laughs] Delicious if you ignore the whole going gray immediately afterwards thing.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, no, it doesn't turn you into a zombie. That's actually true.

ZOE CRICK: Oh.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: It just kills you.

ZOE CRICK: [laughs] But surely... surely nobody's actually doing this.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Four deaths so far. If you're starving, I suppose. Or if your kids are starving?

ZOE CRICK: Can I just say a big thank you to all our runners who keep us supplied with something other than the undead to eat?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Now, it's time to talk about weeing on zombie bites.

ZOE CRICK: I'm not sure it's ever time to talk about that.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: If you're bitten, urine will help to stop the spread of infection. Nonsense or Zom Sense?

ZOE CRICK: Obviously nonsense.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Apparently not! Abel Township's Doctor Myers has found out urea slows the spread of the virus.

ZOE CRICK: Slows it, but it's not actually going to stop you going gray.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: No.

ZOE CRICK: So the question is whether you want to spend some of your last moments being peed on. If the answer is yes, congratulations! You'll have a few more hours to smell like a hobo.

ZOE CRICK: What I want to know is, how do these stories get spread?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, Rofflenet, I suppose.

ZOE CRICK: But not everyone has Rofflenet. So how do four different people simultaneously get the idea that charbroiling zombie legs is a good plan?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: It's a sort of meme, isn't it?

ZOE CRICK: Yeah. A zombie meme. A zeme! Wow, I'm on fire today.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah, lucky me.

ZOE CRICK: Aw, I think you're growing to appreciate me.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Whatever helps you sleep at night.

ZOE CRICK: Was that a joke?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: No.

ZOE CRICK: It was! You made a joke! I'm wearing him down, citizens.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Ha! You just said citizens.

ZOE CRICK: Oh God. We're wearing each other down.

ZOE CRICK: I've been thinking. It's a bit like Japanese blowfish, isn't it?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I've got no idea what you're talking about.

ZOE CRICK: Blowfish. They're poisonous. If you want to eat them, you have to prepare them really, really carefully. You need to cut out all the right bits, or it's hello neurotoxin and good night Sally.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah, that's what I've heard.

ZOE CRICK: Right. So how did they ever figure out which bit was poisonous? The first time someone ate a blowfish and carked it, did his friends go, "Before Fred died, it looked like he was really enjoying that meal. I reckon we should keep experimenting. I bet there's some part of that fish I can eat without dying. It's got to be worth the risk!"

Well, how many more people kicked the bucket before they figured out which bit they needed to cut out? But let me tell you, I like my food, but even I wouldn't risk death for a nice piece of sushi.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [laughs] You have a very strange mind. Has anyone ever told you that?

[static]

EUGENE WOODS: Should it be doing that?

JACK HOLDEN: Should what be doing what?

EUGENE WOODS: This pinging green light.

JACK HOLDEN: What's it doing?

EUGENE WOODS: Pinging. Greenly.

JACK HOLDEN: The pinging green light is pinging greenly?

EUGENE WOODS: Yeah.

JACK HOLDEN: Yeah, it's fine.

[static fades]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Since it's the first day of the month today, ci-ti-zens, we're going -

ZOE CRICK: No, it isn't.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Isn't it?

ZOE CRICK: I don't know. I don't think so.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, it's the first day of the week.

ZOE CRICK: It's Wednesday.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I thought it was Monday. Never mind. For whatever reason, we're talking about firsts. For whatever reason. It's a day of firsts.

ZOE CRICK: Why?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Are we really going to start this all over again?

ZOE CRICK: Oh please, God, no.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: So, ci-ti-zens, have a think about your own favorite firsts - your first kiss, your first love, your first sunset over the sea - and we'll be back after this.

ZOE CRICK: Apparently, we're talking about firsts today, so let's start with the obvious: your first ever shag.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Really?

ZOE CRICK: Yes.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: All right. What was yours?

ZOE CRICK: Why do I have to start?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Because it was your stupid idea.

ZOE CRICK: Fine. It was Joe McSweeney, at the back of the rec, Easter holiday of year eight.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Blimey, you started young.

ZOE CRICK: Are you judging me?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Of course not... year eight?!

ZOE CRICK: I was an early developer. Also, Joe McSweeney was fit. What about you? No, don't tell me. You're waiting for the perfect woman to come along, so you can have 2.4 kids and a fairy tale wedding. A white wedding.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, yeah, of course I am. No one does old-fashioned weddings anymore. It's all gone no-frills.

ZOE CRICK: But we've got a rabbi, a vicar, and a registrar in New Canton. Runner Thirty-three's quite handy with a needle, and Runner Ninety-eight can bake. People could do it properly if they wanted.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: No one has, though.

ZOE CRICK: Imagine the wedding list. Two tins of SPAM, a sports bra, a USB stick, some barbed wire...

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I wonder what the readings would be. Probably something from the Book of Revelations.

ZOE CRICK: [laughs] An extract from Where the Wind Blows and poetry by Sylvia Plath!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Maybe some Smiths lyrics. "Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now." [laughs]

ZOE CRICK: The first dance would be "Zombie Nation", obviously.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: You'd have little gray bride and groom on top of the wedding cake. [laughs]

ZOE CRICK: [laughs] And – hang on. I see what you've done. You're not getting out of it that easy. Weren't we talking about the time you popped your cherry?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: And now we're talking about this next song, which funnily enough, was the first one I ever kissed a girl to.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: I reckon the most memorable first of all is your first zom.

ZOE CRICK: The first one you saw, or the first one you killed?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Both, or either.

ZOE CRICK: Well, I've never killed one.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: You're kidding.

ZOE CRICK: What can I say? I'm a lover, not a fighter. Don't tell me you've slaughtered a load of zombies yourself.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: 10.

ZOE CRICK: 10?!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: No, hang on. 11. There was that crawler.

ZOE CRICK: Okay, let's say I believe you. Which was your first?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Actually, it was an old lady I used to know before. Uh, Mrs. O'Grady. She always used to be in the corner shop when I was buying milk. She got a tin of cat food and a packet of Marlboro every day. And she had this great big evil-looking one-eyed tabby, and - I don't know why – I used to imagine her and the cat sitting on the sofa, both sharing the tin of cat food and sparking up. It made me laugh.

And then there she was, lumbering towards me with half her arm falling off and her face kind of sagging, you know, the way they get after a while. She was still wearing that knitted yellow cardigan she always did, only there was blood all over it. I felt really bad, but still took her head off with a shovel.

ZOE CRICK: That must have been horrible.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Mm.

ZOE CRICK: Although at least with the old people you think, you know -

PHIL CHEESEMAN: They've had a good inning.

ZOE CRICK: - you can probably outrun them.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Ah, that isn't funny. Poor Mrs. O'Grady.

ZOE CRICK: It's a little bit funny. But Mrs. O'Grady, this one's for you.

[static]

EUGENE HOLDEN: Should I... get Janine?

JACK HOLDEN: What? Why?

EUGENE WOODS: Just... she might be able to...

JACK HOLDEN: I do not need Janine.

EUGENE WOODS: Okay, okay, fine.

[static fades]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: If you've just tuned in, today is Book Club day! We've had Mumtaz Hussein, head of the Permanent Advisory Council, telling us why Jonathan Livingston Seagull is so inspirational. And later, Abel's own Janine De Luca will be talking about, um... apparently, she'll be talking about American Psycho. Good choice, Janine.

ZOE CRICK: If a little worrying for someone with hundreds of lives in her hands.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: It's satirical.

ZOE CRICK: Does Janine know that?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Anyway, right now we're discussing a book chosen by you, ci-ti-zens! Unfortunately the selection was a bit limited, because you had to pick from the stuff we've got in the library. That's 173 books. But on the plus side, only six of them are copies of 50 Shades of Gray.

ZOE CRICK: Yesterday, you voted it down to a shortlist: The Stand, The Pelican Brief - don't ask me, you chose them - The Da Vinci code - yes, really, The Da Vinci Code - Pride and Prejudice, and We Need To Talk About Kevin.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Zoe wanted to talk about Pride and Prejudice because she's a girl.

ZOE CRICK: Woman.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Zoe wanted to talk about Pride and Prejudice because she's a woman, but thankfully, you've chosen The Stand!

ZOE CRICK: We'll be sharing our thoughts after this.

ZOE CRICK: Now listeners, I don't want to criticize, but I have to ask: we're all living through the apocalypse. Why would you want to read a book about the apocalypse?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Maybe it's comforting.

ZOE CRICK: Comforting?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: You know, in a "things could be even worse" kind of way.

ZOE CRICK: You've got a strange idea of what's comforting.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: No, if you think about it, why did people ever read this stuff?

ZOE CRICK: Because Steven King is – was... is... oh, who knows – one of the greatest writers of the 20th century?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: All the other ones, though. Like those books about someone's horrible childhood.

ZOE CRICK: Oh, misery memoires?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah. Why does anyone want to read something so depressing? Because it makes their lives seem great by comparison. You may be getting chased by zombies on a regular basis, but at least your mom loved you.

ZOE CRICK: What if you're getting chased by a zombie that was your mom?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Uh, then you'll have to read The Road. No one's life is worse than that.

ZOE CRICK: And talking of things that depress the hell out of me, have a listen to this.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: So, we've been talking about Steven King's classic novel, The Stand.

ZOE CRICK: Actually, we haven't.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, yeah, but we're going to start now.

ZOE CRICK: Can I make a confession?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Uh, okay.

ZOE CRICK: I've never read it.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh. That's not very helpful.

ZOE CRICK: I've seen the miniseries. It was a bit rubbish, though.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: You should definitely read the book. I think Abel's got a copy, if Runner Nine's still hogging ours.

ZOE CRICK: No, they've just got Dolores Claiborne and The Talisman. Doesn't matter. I don't want to waste hours of my life on something that makes me feel even worse than I already do.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: But The Stand's sort of... cheerful?

ZOE CRICK: I bet. The miniseries was a laugh riot.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, maybe cheerful isn't it. Um... hopeful.

ZOE CRICK: So it all ends happily ever after for everyone?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, no.

ZOE CRICK: For most of the characters?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: It's post-apocalyptic horror. At least some of them survive, and they rebuild a better society. They learned from their mistakes. I reckon that's a happy ending.

ZOE CRICK: Does everyone get married and go to live in a massive great stately home in Derbyshire?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Obviously not.

ZOE CRICK: Then I'll stick to Pride and Prejudice, thanks. And keep sending us your suggested reading, listeners.

#zombies run #zrs2 #s2 radio #s2 radio part 1b #zr transcript

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