#sanghyun:sp

[sanghyunfmd]

Location: Sanghyun’s Parents House

Event: Family Dinner   |   Timeline: January 4th, 2020.

Word Count: 896 words

Sanghyun blew some air and fog was formed, floating up to the atmosphere.

He had survived the coldest sweater weather in the beginning of the year where he had to work outdoors for the year-end tv shows, but the chill had not stopped haunted his joints and bones. His fingertips were cold, his skin and nose were dry. He took the medicine to fight off the cold the day after, as a result of neglecting the balanced diet. One time he got lazy, his body refused to stay intact. 

As the new day came, Sanghyun received the invitation from his parents for an annual dinner—which they had considerately pushed back due to Sanghyun’s schedule after he got busy every year.  The first years when he was absent from the tradition caused a heated up argument within the family members, but sooner or later they realized that any debates wouldn’t put Sanghyun in an easier position. The moment he decided to choose the path of becoming a celebrity, there were so many private occasions he had to miss because of the overlapped timing. Even so, they could finally work on the schedules and had him home in the early of the new year. 

Sanghyun was leaning against the terrace’s fence, enjoying the cloudy view of winter that had not yet brighten up. After the wind blew cold air against his face, Sanghyun looked up to the sky to find the snow was falling down. He reached out and sensed the cold on his fingertips. Mr. Kwon came over to join him at the porch, with a cup of hot drinks on each hand. He handed one to his son as they sipped the drink. Sanghyun frowned at the taste, but it was not out of repulsion. “Did you put some alcohol in this?” he asked. 

“Don’t tell your mom,” his father murmured, then taking another sip.

He knew Sanghyun had been holding back for a while, but one or two drops of the fuzzy liquid wouldn’t get him drunk. Sanghyun thanked him as the heat began to spread in his body. The party of four family members had reduced down to only the younger sister and the mother as the only audience in the room, singing along to a song streaming on the tv screen. It was an old ballad, which seemed familiar in Sanghyun’s memory, but he couldn’t seem to recall what kind of event it associated with. The last reminiscence he could remember was the sound of jazzy music while he was in his mother’s arm. 

His biological mother passed away when he was still a kid. 

The middle-aged woman inside, who was now clapping along to her daughter dancing in the room, was the wife of his uncle—the man who was standing right next to him at the veranda. They were still blood-related, but Sanghyun was adopted when he was 16 because his own father, the man’s older brother, decided that Sanghyun and Sangmin (his older brother) could no longer be his children. It was an intricate secret he had kept for forever because Sanghyun had this disturbing notion that the information could be used against him. And he had enough making trouble for everyone. 

Besides, no one could really tell if they were not his biological parents since Sanghyun almost looked identical with his uncle. He was tall and fit for his age, a rounder face shape but the same distinctive handsome features. It seemed it was the quality inherited in the family. Their voice and tone of speech were similar that some people could be mistaken one from the other when they picked up the incoming phone call. When his uncle sat him down and mentioned his intention to adopt Sanghyun and his brother, it was as if a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. He had always liked his kindness, thus being a part of his family sounded like an extra privilege he never thought would receive. 

Sanghyun gave him a look and smile. What? the old man wondered. 

“Nothing,” he said. 

“Anyways, thank you for fulfilling your promise to come home today,” he started, elbowing Sanghyun’s arm. “Your sister wouldn’t shut up about me asking you to confirm your attendance because your manager wouldn’t pass the phone call to you.”

“I’m sorry about that. We were really busy and I forgot to call back when our manager told me about it.”

“It’s okay. You’re here now, anyways. If not, I would have to finish those cookies by myself.” 

“They were delicious though. She did a good job.”

“They were, but there were too many cookies for four of us.” Sanghyun laughed along.

"Also--" there was something about the topic that stopped the old man to continue on the topic. Sanghyun waited, but there were no words followed through. 

"What is it?"

"I don't feel like asking you this. But it's about your little sister. She...demanded to try the college entrance examination test again,” the old man whispered since he recounted how many times his young daughter begged her to not mention it to Sanghyun. They looked over their shoulders at the same time to witness the sister and daughter in their conversation reenacting a funny scene from TV that made the mother cackled. “She may look like it doesn’t bother her, but your mom said she’s been coming home

#sanghyun:sp

[sanghyunfmd]

Location: Gold Star Media’s HQ, a studio

Event: V-Live Broadcast   |    Timeline: December 28th, 2019, 1 PM. 

Word Count: 1124 words

the view was on and focused on the empty room with the chair upfront. A quick rustling sound in the background, the view was out of focus for a bit after a dull thud, someone held back a cuss behind the screen. “Sorry, I just elbowed the camera,” the raspy voice said. The person stepped in and took over the chair. he sat down with both hands full of lunch boxes. 

Sanghyun grinned to the camera and adjusted the view. “Is it centered now?” he talked to himself, then biting a pair of wooden chopsticks within his teeth. He waved to the camera and reading through the comments rolling up in rapid move on one side of the screen. “Yes, yes, this is Sanghyun. A sudden broadcast because I wanted to.” He paused for a moment to read some messages, answering them. “I’m in the studio right now, going to practice in a bit. No, the dance studio. Does my hair look okay?” He leaned in and ran his fingers through his dark strands. "I look neat? Thank you,” he smiled and moved back to his chair. “Anyways, I’m here to eat some food. What are you guys doing?” Sanghyun began to unwrap the chopsticks, removing the lids of the food containers. “I was bored while waiting for the other members to come so...have you eaten your lunch yet? If you haven’t then hurry up eat something. Filling in your stomach will prevent you from cold, that’s what the theory says.” He pulled a cheeky grin. 

“Today’s lunch is sushi. And some ramen. I ordered them before I turned the camera on,” he explained, holding up a box to bring it out to the viewers. “Yes, these are all for me. I missed breakfast this morning because I was dead tired from last night. Did you guys watch last night’s year-end show?” He nodded at the comments flooding in, answering his question. “Good. Some of you probably watched it at home and some of you attended the show, right? Thank you for staying up to watch us. Everybody got home safely, right?” 

with the chopsticks, he picked a piece of the food, dipped it into the sauce and shoved it into his mouth in one bite. One cheek was immediately stuffed with it. He perked up when particular messages appeared. “The special stage? It was awesome, right? Our members were killing it. The preparation time was short but they nailed it. We still have more to come for the last day of this year so...keep your enthusiasm high.” 

Sanghyun grabbed another piece but it fell off of the grip to the pan. He looked up and showed a confused look for a moment, but then managed to eat it as if nothing happened a second ago. 

While chewing, he caught a question that appeared on the screen. “My new year’s resolution? Let’s see.” He was silent for a while, thinking of the answer in his head. “There might be a lot. I think...I want to try a lot of new things starting next year. It might be mundane and insignificant but...I don’t know, I feel like trying it. Things like...dying my hair?” He raised a brow to tease the audience, then let out a burst of short laughter. “I have never dyed my hair before. I did brown but it didn’t count, right? It’s not as dramatic as picking a bold color. I heard bleaching your hair is really painful when the chemical touches your scalp, so that’s the only thing that makes me nervous. Aside from that...I should finish more books next year. This year I didn’t read much--and I don’t want to make any excuse because that would be unfair. I believe anybody can finish anything if they’re determined to do so. But I didn’t have many motivations to reach my target this year, so new books to read will be nice, to spend any days off by reading.” 

When a particular comment appeared, Sanghyun glanced at the manager who was watching over him. “A new album...you can expect that from us, of course. We’re in the middle of a discussion of it, still, but I hope there will be something released. Just wait for it, okay? I know waiting is not the most fun part but be excited for us in between. Since we also get involved in the production now, it takes a longer time to approve everything. I don’t take a major part in producing the song, but I’m around if the members need opinions on their works. We’re pretty open about it.” He nodded and took by surprise when another question popped up. “A solo track? From me? I don’t know about that. That would be fun, though. We’ll see. I’m not trying to give a high hope or anything, but if there’s a song trusted on me, then I would do it. It would be a fun experience, of course. As for solo projects...I can’t say much about that.” 

Later on, Sanghyun began to talk about his desire to pursue a higher degree of education. It might seem a bit late for him to start, he assumed, but he always had the willingness to learn when it comes to his personal interest. “I had a brief discussion about it with our manager, and he said it would be considered. It’s been a while since I studied hard though,” he smiled, feeling embarrassed. “But we’ll see about college. The college entrance examination is kind of intimidating, and I know many of you will face it next year, even if it’s your first time or the ninth time, but what’s important is how well you’ve prepared yourself for it. And if it’s really what you want to do with your life. I’m not pressured by my parents to go to college, but I’ve thought about it for a while now. But we’ll see. We might be seeing each other at the entrance exam day.” He reached out to touch the screen and scrolled back on the comments he had missed. “’Oppa, you’re so handsome’ Thank you. ‘Please keep yourself warm and be careful of the slippery stage’ I will, thank you for the reminder. You be careful out there too, okay, InPulse? Because we will see each other again soon. I don’t want to hear you guys getting in trouble.”

The manager called out that it’s time for Sanghyun to go. He passed the message to the viewers who instantly begged him not to go, which cracked him up a little. “I really have to go, though. And I almost finish my lunch,” he lifted the half-empty container. “You smile a lot today. I’m glad.’ do I? Thank you for noticing that. I’ve been in a good mood. It always makes me happy to come and see you guys anyways,” Sanghyun reasoned as he cleaned up the table. 

“Okay, I really have to go now. Thank you for joining my short eating broadcast. When I have time, I will greet you like this again. Be careful and eat your food, InPulse. I’m going now. Bye. I love you,” he ended the broadcast with a warm smile, waving his hand. As he reached out for the screen, in turned black a second later which marked the end of the video. 

#sanghyun:sp

[sanghyunfmd]

Location: Gold Star Media’s HQ, a studio

Event: V-Live Broadcast   |    Timeline: January 22nd, 2020,   8 PM

Word Count: 833 words

+

The screen lightened up and immediately captured the man's face in the center of the frame. He was wearing a baseball cap, a naked face and a dark hoodie. He reached out to adjust the position of the camera, followed with a smile after that. "Good evening," he started, tugging on the bill of his hat. "How many people are here? I came a bit early because I plan to sleep early today." 

He read the floating comments and greeted some people who dropped their messages. "No, there's no late practice today," he answered the typed questions verbally. "I'm not sure if I should say this or not but we're taking a vacation starting this week. So, I may not be able to update anything. That's why I'm doing the broadcast to check on you guys before I disappear," Sanghyun explained. His eyes moved to one side of the screen, at times he stopped to smile and bit his lips. "Ah yes, happy new year (m/n: Seollal) in advance," he grinned. "Have a fun golden week, everyone. For those who don't celebrate it--wait, should I say this in English? Alright. This weekend is the golden week of Seollal, the Korean New Year. So, my family and I will be traveling tomorrow. We will meet our families and eat together. We will also visit the grave. You guys know that I was raised outside of Seoul, so it's always exciting when we can go on a vacation as a family. If anyone is also traveling on the weekend, be careful on your trip. Eat a lot too and spend your vacation well." He paused and nodded at the flooding comments, coming in various foreign languages. 

"Also, I'm contemplating to do something different for my hair. I think I mentioned it on my last broadcast? It's been forever since I dyed my hair, so how about some exciting color for this year? Write your color suggestion which one should I try first," Sanghyun grinned at the screen and read the texts. "Blonde? Blue?--ah, it's this year's Pantone color? I see...--Red? Rainbow?!" He cracked up.  "I'm not doing rainbow! Don't just throw whatever, you guys. Silver? Ah, the ashy color...is it still trendy to have it now? 'You should try everything while you're in the mood for it'? I see. I'll think about it. But first, I have to go through the bleaching process, right? I heard it hurt so much. What if I ended up losing all my hair? 'I will still like you'...Oh, thank you. 'You can wear a wig?!'" Sanghyun laughed some more "That's a great solution. Let's hope that I won't lose too much hair. They're very dry so that's my biggest concern."

While he was enjoying the time with the real-time chat rolling up on the screen, Sanghyun looked at his ringing phone and let out a snort. He stayed still for a while, giving the camera a look then staring at his phone again. "Ah...what to do," he mumbled. The tone of his voice suddenly turned cold. When he looked up, his mien had turned cynical as if he was annoyed by what he just saw on the screen. "Some people really have some nerves." Sanghyun lifted up his phone and showed the numbers on his phone screen, an incoming call from unsaved numbers. "I've been dealing with this thing for a while now. It's quite annoying. I was not supposed to bring my phone right now but I had to call my parents, so...you guys are something else." Sanghyun tapped his phone to reject the call, but another number came in right away. He did it a couple times but the incoming call didn't seem to die down. "What should I do?" he asked the camera. The comments on the screen suggested showing the numbers. "Should I?" he wondered. Sanghyun brought the device up to the screen closer. "How about some of you screen capture this and help to report them for me? I will do the same tomorrow and call my manager. It really does a bother. Why do you need my phone number so much just to be a disturbance like this?" He let out a burst of dry laughter, but quickly fixed his expression since the broadcast turned sour. 

"--Anyways," he let out a sigh, forcing a smile on his lips. "I'm sorry that this turns into a weird show. I just wanted to greet you guys before the long weekend. But this kind of behavior has been bothering me. 'Don't apologize'? I see," he repeated the text on the screen and nodded in agreement. Sanghyun looked at a different direction and waved a hand to someone else behind the camera. "Okay, I have to go now. Have a great Seollal weekend, Inpulses. I love you and I miss you. I'll greet you again soon, but don't forget to take care of yourself while I'm not here. Bye~" he singsonged, throwing finger-hearts to the camera before ended the broadcast.

#sanghyun:sp

[sanghyunfmd]

Location: A Filming Studio in Gangnam

Event: The Face Shop's CF Filming   |   Timeline: January 15th, 2020.

Word Count: 1036 words

The night before was an unpleasant resting day for Sanghyun ever since some unknown numbers kept popping up on his screen in the middle of the night. At times Sanghyun heard voices of girls mumbling from afar, at times it was a long silence and one time it was a late call from the manager to remind him for the next day's schedule. 

He had chugged on his vitamins, but the heat on his nape had not yet subdued. The power nap reduced his dizziness for a short while, but it was not enough to have his head being fully present in the room. It took a while for him to be aware of his surroundings but the time was ticking and Sanghyun had a work to do. The deal had been made and it was the day of the CF filming as their first official schedule for the new year. 

Sanghyun was commanded to get up from the couch so the staff could start to touch up his feature while the prop clothes were prepared. Even when the people around him picked up a conversation to tune out the dull moment, his mind was stuck on a number and the heavily breathing voice that hid a man to convey his purpose. Sanghyun didn't want to assume, but his guts told him it was a voice he used to be familiar with. 

A voice that abandoned me.

A voice who didn't want me. 

He is a stranger. 

Yes, he is.

Sanghyun felt nauseous. There was a bubbly feeling in his stomach building up from the pit of his abdomen, waving up toward his throat, not just a metaphor. He adjusted himself on the seat to overcome the feeling, but the more he waited the worse the turmoil turned into. 

He sprung from the chair and excused himself to the stylist who was left confused. He bumped few people on his way on the hallway--he could feel his throat filled up--and burst into the toilet before he spilled his guts into the sink. He threw up, cold sweat was running down his temples. There were not much coming out of his mouth but water and gunk, but spitting them out had helped to reduce the stuffiness in his chest. He panted. Sanghyun unscrewed the tap and washed his mouth and nose with the cold water. He cupped the liquid in his palms and wet his face, wearing off the makeup and powder down to his chin. The fake blush on his cheeks disappeared, swirling into the water hole. His naked face stared back at him through the mirror: he sees that man in him.  On his nose, cheeks, and the shape of his jawline. The faint wrinkles and crooked eyebrows when he was tense, it was all the physical legacy passed on him. 

Son, help me. He faintly heard the murmur at the far end of that phone call.

Sanghyun slammed his fists against the counter. Of all these years, why does he have to come back now?

The anger and the heavy breathing, Sanghyun counted numbers to take control of his respiration back. Breathing in and out slowly, counting to 4 and holding it to 7 and releasing it from his mouth. Once he regained his composure, his head slowly became clearer. The tip of his fingernails left deep marks on his palms when Sanghyun relaxed his muscle. He wiped off the sweat with the back of his hand and washed off the trace after. 

He sighed. He had to add another key in his mind, locking yesterday's memory into a box where nobody was allowed to open. From the moment the vague voice in his ear, back to the memory when Sanghyun had to pack his bag and left his own house. He ignored how disarray the memories were, Sanghyun just wanted to pack them into the box and never looked back again. Anyone could try to open it, but Sanghyun knew he wouldn't lend the key to them. Nobody could hurt him. Not even his own father. 

Sanghyun straightened up his back, tidying up his suit. He took a long sheet of paper towel from its container on the wall, wiping off droplets of water on his shirt, washing off the puke on the corner of his lips and gave his cheeks some light pets. It's okay. Nobody has to know. The knock on the door was a sign that Sanghyun was in the bathroom for too long. He took a deep breath and reached for the handle. A smile was plastered on his lips but his mien was still pale. He wore the best mask he could think of just so nobody could play with his weaknesses. "Are you alright?" the person asked. "I'm fine. I just felt queasy, that's all. Sorry for worrying you. Now I need to redo my make up, though," he excused. "Do I smell like puke?"

After convincing everyone in the room that he felt so much better after throwing up, he went back to the seat to get his makeup redone. They camouflaged his paleness with more color, hiding the flaws underneath the mask,  turning him more beautiful on the surface more than the usual. Sanghyun still felt the heart beating so fast but he caught every breath before anyone noticed how irregular they were. 

When the time was up, he was ready with a new face and a clean suit, along with the members to have the schedule be done for the day. Sanghyun made some funny faces to relax his face muscles, which were more than what he usually did when the cameras were not recording. The director began the command by asking them to make a group pose that accommodated everyone's features and Sanghyun took the last row as per usual to let the other members stand out. Sometimes he bent his knees or took the seat to hide the height differences between them. There was laughter in between and Sanghyun pushed himself to be part of it. He did his best on his individual shoot and unwind when the team had to touch up his makeup. 

Today was not about him. It never was.

#sanghyun:sp #tw:vomitting #tw:panic attack

[sanghyunfmd]

Self-Para #1 : Impulse’s Sixth Year Anniversary Video Recording

Time and Place: 20th December 2019, a filming studio in Gangnam

Word Count: 1134 words

* “Okay, you’re done.”

Sanghyun opens up his eyes as he is told to, receiving a final touch to his make up for today’s shoot. He checks his own reflection in the mirror and easily bemuses by the outcome of the staff’s magical touch. It surprises him every time how his appearance changes; his nose looks sharper, his jawline looks like it can cut someone, his eyes look more deep-set than before and his hair is no longer the wacky bird nest in the morning. His cold mien is warmed up and brightened up, that his attitude changes following the upgrade to his looks. Sanghyun thanks them every time, for making Sanghyun looked presentable on different occasions. 

After the long schedules of going back and forth to different places for months, Sanghyun can finally come home. He has spent the last few days wisely by taking a long rest in his house, hibernating in the bedroom to pay back the sleep time he had missed during the tour. There were times his health was on the verge of breaking down during the long tour. Some nights were nightmares, but the medication Sanghyun took had help improving his sense. A quick exercise and fulfilling meal, Sanghyun is back to his prime condition for the day. 

After checking his appearance one last time, Sanghyun is ready to move to another room where the cameras and lighting were already set for the filming today. He greets the staff he meets along the walk to the center of the studio, a mark was set on the center under the chair where he’s told to sit down. The lights are on, brighten up the space to support his appearance in front of the camera. 

They’re filming for a special video today, being shot in advance and having it ready before their anniversary next year. 

Watching it from the side, Sanghyun observes the other members’ recording with a smile and laughter slips out whenever they do something funny. Since the shoot is specially made for their fans, everyone seems to put extra effort into their messages, which Sanghyun takes notes of. 

When his turn comes, Sanghyun breathes in to remember any points of messages he had noted down the night before, to minimize making any mistakes so they can wrap up the shooting quicker. He sits down on a chair placed on the center of the room, the camera is ready a few feet away from his position. On the count of three, the camera focuses on him and starts recording the moment. The cue from the director is the signal for him to start. 

“Hello, InPulses,” he starts with a short introduction. “This is Kwon Sanghyun of Impulse. Nice to meet you.”

Can you tell us how you made your debut and how it shapes you to be who you are now, the crew asks from behind the camera, throwing a question as the prelude before the main segment.

“I think it was the most thrilling experience that had ever happened to me,” Sanghyun starts, his eyes roll up as if picking the pieces of memories of that day. “I never thought that we would make our debut that fast--even half a year after the show ended sounds like a short time for me. We did spend so much energy on it, and the members had done a lot more than I could ever ask for. I really thought that I would go back being a trainee when we lost, just polishing my skills some more or maybe just...quit it all together. 

But when it was announced that the date was set, it was a different feeling compared to when the group was first created. I guess it’s true that some people have to lose first to win. Even though there were so many regrets, we managed to push through and I think that helps us to grow as an individual, and that I begin to cherish the members even more after that.”

During those uncertain times, how did you perceive your fans and how do you see them now?

Sanghyun is mute for a moment. He recalls the memories he could remember, all the messages whether it’s a heartfelt encouragement or honest disappointment. His mind rolls forward from the past to his honesty dealing with his health up to their most recent releases. “I think...our fans have gone through a lot,” he nods. “I heard and read many things back then, and to this day, those images and writings of them expressing their anger and love, I would still like to carry it with me as a reminder where I came from. I don’t want to be the kind of person who disappointment them? I want them to acknowledge my effort--which I’ve been lacking to do this year--and I want to return their kindness as much as what I have received. Even more, if I could.”

Lastly, please leave a message to your fans for Impulse’s sixth year anniversary. 

 He adjusts his position on the chair and looks straight to the camera, tugging a smile on his lips. “First of all, today is our sixth year anniversary. Congratulations to Impulse and also, congratulations to InPulse for staying all these years with us. It’s been a fulfilling year for us as well since we got a lot of chances to meet you in different places and occasions. I’ve spent 2019 with a full mindset to give my very best appearance whenever I see you, and I hope it has reached you. Thank you for always worrying about our health and always remind us that health should come first. I hope you also take your own advice and be healthy. 

There are still many many years to come for us to see each other, and 2020 will be more exciting than before. We’re working hard just so you can be proud of us. Just so when our name is mentioned, you can hold your head up high and confidently say ‘I like Impulse.’ 

Also, the beginning of the year is still cold so wear more layers of clothes, eat healthily and do well in school or your workplace. Even though we can’t see each other every single day, I always think about you. As time passes by, you doing your own thing and we do ours, and the time will come for us to see each other again. Until then, I hope you’ve had happy days at the beginning of the new year, and for you to be able to make your wishes come true. It may sound like a lot, please look after us once again, I will see you again soon.”

Sanghyun waves his hand gently toward the camera and the director gives another cue to end the video.

#sanghyun:sp