#she goes 'hey could i maybe use your hardcase on this trip? it'd just be easier in a customs search'

[doom-dreaming]

how do i tell my mother that coming into my room calling me "lazybones" if i'm still in bed at any time past 7 a.m. for YEARS has done near-irreparable damage to my self-esteem and created shame about being able to just fucking relax?

#but she can rot on the couch playing mahjong on her ipad all day it's fine #i don't feel at all angry when i come home dirty and tired from work #and she tells me i'm making dinner #while she sits curled up on the couch with a cup of tea and a book #sure mom. let me just take a shower and i'll get right on that #but please do let me know how hungry you are five times while i'm trying to scrape together some energy #i need to get out of this house #some small part of me kinda hopes she just doesn't come back from vacation #and. and . #as i'm giving her a VERY NICE vacation pedicure last night #she goes 'hey could i maybe use your hardcase on this trip? it'd just be easier in a customs search' #oh the brand new really nice hardcase suitcase that you got me for my birthday? that one? #not one of the four other suitcases you own? #sure. go ahead and take it #anythign else i can get you queen? #my belongings are not my own #my life is not my own #my time is not my own #yes i know i have control issues but i think i've earned them a little bit #i never learned to set boundaries and could never say no to my mom without being reprimanded #and i feel like a shell of a person because she's belittled my individuality if it doesn't conform to her worldview #and i feel like i'm dangling this husk in front of people and saying 'yep this is me. my whole essence' #all because i can't say no to her taking my fucking suitcase like it was never really mine to begin with #like she's just entitled to all my shit #i'm fine. i have a meeting with my therapist next week. i'm fine.