#shit sure is long now that i'm looking at it on dash good gawd

[euijin]

some of y'all know and some of u don't but being chronically ill is one of my Things. i won't get into the whole tragic backstory or anything if y'all want to know more u can dm me idm talking about it at all but asdafsdgdg i had my appointment with my specialist doctor that i've been seeing every 3-6 months for the past eight years since i was diagnosed with my illness today and. she told me i was doing well on my own and that she wasn't doing anything to help me anymore and that she thought it was time she cuts me loose, essentially meaning...i am Better Enough to not have to see her regularly anymore. she said ofc i can make an appointment with her any time if i have problems but the regular checkins aren't necessary, i have Graduated sick person school 🥳

i didn't think i was going to get into it too much but i feel like some context is important so content warning for suicidal thoughts/depression/general shitty health i guess

i managed to not cry like a baby over this until now when i'm finally home and sitting down with some time to myself and it's honestly so surreal. i have had health problems my entire life and i remember when i was like. 13 years old. being too sick to go to school anymore and being in so much physical and emotional pain that i would Pray that i would die every day. i genuinely feel so sad for baby carly she suffered so much, and the thing about having health problems that essentially steal your life from you is that you become physically incapable of planning for the future because you don't know if you're going to be too sick to do this or that or if it'll even be possible for you, so i never really thought about what i wanted to do with my life, i just didn't think about the future At All. i tried to come to terms with the fact hat i would probably be sick my entire life and tbh yeah i will be, my illness is highly treatable but never Really goes away in its entirety, it will flare up in the future too. but somehow i never really considered the fact that one day...i would be healthy enough to not need to go to the doctor every three months anymore? i used to go to the doctor Every Week.

and i'm looking at my life now and like...i'm back in school...sure i only take two classes a semester and it's taking me five years to get a degree that was supposed to take me two years, but...i'm in school?? i have a 4.0 even after finishing my required math and science courses? and i don't have an Actual Full Time Job but i DO have a source of income and i am getting paid to write which is my favorite thing to do in the world. like yeah i'm 26 i have never even been on a date in my life but like...i'm still here??? and i've grown so much? it's only march and i've already done more this year than past carly ever dreamed i could?? the entire past month i've just been floored by the fact that i never could've done any of this in the past, and apparently my doctor sees it too and now i am just. Better Enough. to live my life how i want to now. and that's so crazy overwhelming and kind of scary but also exciting. to finally look at things and think...yeah i think i can do that. instead of "what if i'm not healthy enough." to be able to look at the world as a bunch of things i can do now instead of things i can't...like maybe i will actually learn to drive and get out of this dumb midwestern town and become a journalist and maybe it is possible for me to have goals and dreams that i can actually achieve. it's so hard to wrap my head around because i never really allowed myself that possibility before

this is a lot of rambling just to say ???? i don't even know dude ASDFSDGG i just feel so happy and proud of myself...and i feel so happy for my past self too, there have been lots of times in my life that i feel like past me would be so disappointed that i haven't done more with my life but today i wish i could tell 13 year old carly that we made it. and that we will be okay and that i can promise that for a fact. and i feel so proud of the me that felt like she couldn't do Anything for just surviving those days because even those days helped me get to today and to become the me that is well enough to not have to go to the doctor more than once a year anymore. and it's not like Everything Is Better And Perfect And Great, there will still be shit days and there's still a lot to work on and a lot more growing to do but wow. things are so much less shit now than they were 10 years ago, or even five years ago, and being able to Feel that so strongly after so long is just so rewarding. i honestly can't even put it into words, i could type about 5000 more and i'm pretty sure it still wouldn't be enough.

tl;dr wow turns out the "things get better" bullshit isn't bullshit after all. it just turns out that sometimes even the shit is part of the "getting better." i hope that if you're going through a hard time now that by next year, or in the next five years, or ten years, you'll be able to look back on this difficult time and be proud of yourself for surviving it, and that you'll also be happy for your past self, and be in a position to tell the you of today that you made it and will be okay. bc if it can happen to me!! it can happen to anyone trust me okay.

#carly.txt #long post #shit sure is long now that i'm looking at it on dash good gawd #i think i could've kept talking btu That Is More Than Enough #i ran out of tissues so i am wiping my snot with napkins now. disgusteng #crybaby (me) #i am starting to feel my age and i mean that in the best way possible #went from being mentally 16 to mentally 21 today alone i think #still have five years to go but u know. u take it one day at a time #thank u to anyone that read all of this i appreciate you #and i hope you all know i am desperately rooting for you even when i'm not around