#sobbing while I do my best to record some nice vids

[bitch-im-your-biggest-nightmare]

It Doesn’t Matter What They say [Corpse Husband]

Hey! This is my first time doing something on Tumblr. If you’d like, go to my Wattpad because thats where this story comes from! Also, sorry if its not accurate. Im still knew to the Corpse_Husband fanbase and the people the people he is seen playing with (-Cr1tiKal and Pewdiepie] and im not familiar with personalities 

Summary: No one knew of Corpse and Y/Ns relationship. Until Corpse thought it was a good time to reveal it and maybe to make the people who simp way too much over him calm down a bit. he thought it was a good idea, so did Y/N. But the fans were not happy..

-------------------------------------------

Corpse really loved Y/N. He loved her so much that he let her see his face- a week after they met. They met online through Twitter and became best friends, and they totally hit it off. Y/N made Corpse happy, and he trusted her with all his life. Y/N was small, cute, and innocent. She had a soft high pitched voice and was short. She was the exact opposite of Corpse, and that's what he loved about her. He loved when she wore his hoodies, they were always way bigger on her and the sleeves went over her hands. He loved how kind she was. Y/N was a sweetheart, and Corpse didn't know how he was able to score this hard.

Y/N really loved Corpse. He loves so damn much it might kill her. She was happy she got her phone fixed after it stopped charging, if she didn't this wouldn't have happened. They became best friends and hit it off, and she loved when she made Corpse smile. She knows his real name- but calls him Corpse because that's what he prefers. She knows his birthday, his favorite foods, his favorite songs, his personality, how to cheer him up, she knows everything. She loved Corpses deep voice and how it soothed her to sleep. She loved how tall he was compared to her. She loved sitting on his lap while he made his videos and did his streams. He loved wearing his warm hoodies and snuggling up to his chest after long days. Corpse was the best, and Y/N didn't how she was able to score this hard.

Corpse and Y/N thought it would be a good idea to reveal their relationship to the world.

So they did.

In his last stream, he was playing Among Us and decided to tell everyone about Y/N. His exact words were "Guys by the way, I think it's pretty important to tell you guys that I now have a girlfriend. Her names Y/N, and shes the sweetest little thing."

"I'm not little!" Y/Ns voice rung out from behind him. She was sitting on his bed watching him play. Everyone he was playing with freaked out at how soft and high pitched her voice was.

"Her voice is the exact opposite of Corpses, how is this possible?" Felix said with a laugh.

"How can a demon score with an angel?" Charlie commented.

"She sounds so cuuuute!" Poki said, already falling in love with Y/N even she never heard her voice.

"Awwe now I feel lonely." Sykkuno said, sending a sad face in the chat which made them all laugh.

"Nice to meet you all!" Y/N said, walking over to sit on Corpses lap. She was wearing a familiar black hoodie that was way too big on her. Hmm.. wonder whose it is.

"Wha- are you wearing my hoodie again? I was looking for it all over." Corpse had a smirk plastered on his face and looked Y/N over. She was wasn't wearing any pants- but she knew that smirk meant he was just teasing her, they don't make love very often. They just have late night cuddle sessions and kisses.

"I hid it from you so I can wear it." Y/N said a little sheepishly. She was a little awkward talking to Corpse like this infront of everybody. But by how his friends greeted her, she knew they liked her. She was sure the fans would like her as well.

"Wow. You know I was very cold without that hoodie. I had to wear this plain white t-shirt that made me even more cold." Corpse shook his head in a teasing way. Though Y/N was very soft and innocent, so she thought he was being serious for a second.

She frowned, "I'm sorry! I'll give it to you now-" She started to take it off but was stopped by Corpse.

"Ay ay ay ay- no no no, it's fine I was just joking Y/N." He chuckled, hugging her tightly.

"How is she so pure?" Toast muttered, sitting there in disbelief.

"Shes so innocent." Aoc chuckled, already liking this Y/N girl. She really wanted to play a game of Among Us with her, she seemed like such a nice girl to play with.

"Corpse you better treat her like a queen or I swear to god I will-" Charlie was cut off by Sean.

"SHe sound so perfect for Corpse, I'm for ya dude." Sean said, knowing what to come with that sentence.

"Oh how dare you cut me off. I was about to speaks of wisdom!" Charlie said.

"You were about to say profanity. We need to protect this bean we know as Y/N" Poki said.

Charlie sighed, "Fine. But you better expect a fucking DM Corpse!"

Y/N decided to play along with this, She looked curiously at Corpse and said "Babe? Whats fucking?"

There was audible gasps, and Corpse looked at her in complete and utter disbelief. His little innocent bean just said the no no word, it was forbidden in her vocab.

"CHARLIE!"

"OH MY GOD!"

"NOOOooOOOOOOO!"

"DON'T TAKE HER INNOCENCE!!"

"pretty sure Corpse already took it if you know what I mean."

"Ew what the f--feck?"

--------

It was a fun night for Y/N and Corpse. Y/N enjoyed her time talking to the others and studying Corpses strategies as an imposter. She was excited for when she was gonna be able to play with them, she really looked forward to it. After the stream, Corpse went to record a video reading some more fan written horror stories. Y/N went and laid on the couch, waiting patiently for her boyfriend to finish up his recording- which was going to be a while. She scrolled through her phone, watching a few of Corpses videos and looking at photos of them on her camera roll.

But she made a mistake by going on Twitter.

"Corpses gf is so fake lmao"

"Y/N does not deserve Corpse! Shes sounds like such a bitch"

"I hope @T/N and @Corpse_Husband break up. I hate their relationship already 😭"

"Y/N sounds like a hoe and isn't worthy of Corpses time."

"I bet Corpse is so tired of @T/N lmao. its obvious in his voice loooooooool"

"I hope Y/N dies so i can get a piece of deep daddy 🤩🥰"

"I already hate Y/N and I haven't even seen her in any other vids XD"

"Yoo they sound like they hate her lol. I bet they're just putting on an act to make her feel better about herself."

The DMs, messages, and comments on her posts were even worse..

"You don't deserve Corpse. Fuck off hoe."

"You aren't worry of Corpses time."

"You're such a user."

"Bitch"

"User"

"I bet Corpse really hates you."

"I hope you fucking because Corpse doesn't need an ugly hoe like you in his life"

And they just got worse and worse. Y/N was shocked, why are they hating on her so fast? Does Corpse really not like her..? Is she really not worthy of his time..? NO! She pushed them away, Corpse loves you, and that's truth.

But even so, Y/N couldn't stop reading the messages. They were all so mean.. Only a few people stood up for her. She felt her heart break, everyone hates her... Just despises her! She felt tears run down her face. She cuddled into the hoodie, pulling the oversized hoodie her H/C hair. She felt hurt and hated, like no one wanted her, not even Corpse- the person who loved her the most.

--------

After an hour, Corpse decided to take a little break from recording and check on Y/N. He missed her soft voice and her cuddles, so he was on a mission to get just that thing. He stood up from his gaming chair and gave a nice long stretch and ran a hand through his black hair. He walked to his door, slowly opening it and quietly walking through the hallway. He planned to scare Y/N, and sense it usually takes him hours to finish his recording she wouldn't suspect a thing.

But when he got closer to the living room, he felt worry and concern overwhelm him. He heard the soft sobs and cries of his beloved girlfriend. He rushed into the living room, sitting on the couch and picking her up to hold her in his arms. "Hey babe- are you ok? Whats wrong?"

Y/N didn't say anything, she just snuggled into Corpses chest and hugged him tightly as she sobbed.

"Babe, you can tell me anything, you know that? What's wrong? Did someone say something that hurt you on stream? Wait- is it what Sykkuno said? Baby I'm not gay he's just a friend and you know that, it's just a joke that we're-"

"I-i-its not that.." Y/N muttered out.

"Then whats wrong?" Corpse asked, his voice full of nothing but worry and concern.

Y/N grabbed her phone and turned it on. She went on Twitter on looked up the hashtag 'HateY/N' and told Corpse to scroll through.

She watched as he scrolled through the tweets, and his expression twisted into one Y/N has never really seen before, anger. Oh he was livid. How could they say those things at his beautiful, sweet, and happy girlfriend? He thought his fans would support him and Y/Ns relationship. Why didn't they care?

He read some of the battles, some people loved Y/N.

"Bro stfu. Y/N is perfect for Corpse."

"lmao what? Shes ugly asf"

"Seriously? If you really cared about Corpse you would support him. Now fuck off."

Corpse pulled his own phone out and hopped on Twitter,  instantly typing a response to everyone who has been hating on Y/N.

He said "To everybody who has been hating on @T/N, my girlfriend. I love her with all my life and I do not like how some of you guys have been treating her. She has changed my goddamn life, and all this bullshit you guys have been spitting has made Y/N cry. So please.. just please stop."

After that, Corpse threw his phone onto the carpet and hugged Y/N tightly, kissing her temple softly. "It doesn't matter what they say, I will always love you Y/N."

#corpse husband #corpse x reader

[ariannjs]

FAKE HAPPY | A SasuSaku FanFic One Shot

So I recorded a cover for Paramore's "Fake Happy" (full vid here) last week and since my initial plan for #SasuSakuTwitFest2020's Day 2 is not yet finished, I thought of writing this fic connected to the song instead😬

For #SasuSakuTwitFest2020 Day 2: Connected

"You see it's easy when I'm stomping on a beat

But no one sees me when I crawl back underneath."

-Fake Happy by Paramore

Disclaimers: 

-I do not own Naruto nor Paramore. 

-Situations stated are based on general possible experiences of some people especially during this time, though most are familiar and personal to me also.

Trigger warnings: Anxiety Attack. Depressive thoughts.

Ending in angst is not my purpose for this, it's actually the other way around❤️ but if you think it would not be helpful for you to continue reading this fic at this time due to the trigger warning, it's definitely okay. 

However, please do NOT miss the author's note in the end🤗 

Much love,

A

P.S. Here's to the #FewButTrue people that see the signs and reach out to us at just the right time even though we look fine on the outside.

––

It was supposedly her rest day, the one thing that she has looked forward to all throughout her jam packed week. Yet much to her dismay, despite her body being rested, her mind had other plans. Sakura could barely remember the number of times she has thrown her phone on the bed in a span of four hours.

It was a lot to take in.

Earlier today, it was announced that the number of positive cases for the pandemic has skyrocketed in Iwa, yet the council has decided to partly lift the quarantine there, increasing the people’s exposure to the virus as they try to go back to their normal lives before all these. It didn’t make sense.

Few moments later, a short video went viral on Twitter, wherein civilians from Ame flocked in front of their Kage’s Tower to complain about the lack of relief goods distributed for them in the past month. A month! To think that all of the Hidden Villages had been under quarantine for three months now and there were so many people in dire need of supply for their basic needs. It didn’t make sense.

There was also a reliable national media company that was shut down by Kiri’s council, at such a time as this wherein a credible source of news and updates was a need for everyone. Sadly, many employees have lost their job in the process, amidst the uncertainty caused by the pandemic which was the main issue their council should’ve focused on to begin with. Again, it didn’t make sense. 

What surprised her was the amount of facebook posts that disclosed irrational killings from members of a huge clan in the Sound, an issue that has been ongoing yet remained an elephant in the room for how many years. It broke her heart seeing the messages of relatives who were screaming for the justice of their murdered family member through typewritten words. Others even had videos of themselves with placards containing their stand on the issue. She couldn’t imagine how terrifying it must be to be there right now, what with the virus still lingering around them and the possibility of being shot on the spot just because you wanted to fight for your people. The Sound’s council continued to wash their hands. And yes, it didn’t make any sense at all.

But the last thing that struck her nerve was the decree that Konoha’s council of elders has released a few minutes ago, wherein any form of appeal or complaint by the people – whether via peaceful protest or a mere social media post – could lead to them being suspected as insurgents, which would then result to authorities having the right to detain them without a warrant of arrest. 

And just like that, the fact that the entire world was facing a deadly pandemic has gone down the drain. Honestly? Sakura didn’t even know what else makes sense right now.

She screamed against her pillow and continued lying on her bed. Her head hurt. Her eyes were puffy. Her heart was palpitating. And her hands began to shake as she breathed heavily in the confines of her bedroom. 

There were pain, frustration, anxiety, fear, anger, guilt, confusion, and so many other emotions bubbling inside her that they started to weigh her down even physically. Besides, it wasn't the first time that Sakura broke down during the twelfth week of quarantine. Everything externally and internally was just too much to bear these days.

She thought it would be nice to return to social media after being away from it for a week, leaving her stuck with the messaging apps that she kept active only because she needed them for work. But she was totally wrong on all levels. 

It was nice that she became informed about the latest news, yet she now learned that indeed, too much exposure on social media wasn't helpful for her at all. She needed to take a break, or maybe lots of them.

It took a while before the tension in her body ebbed, and when it did, it was the best feeling in the world.

Still, extensive exhaustion filled Sakura from the inside out, leaving her with no more tears to shed as she sat up after a 14-minute nap. These days, naps kept her going, though they weren't really enough. She was glad the rampage in her brain paused somehow but she wished it could've been like that for hours. Well, it's better than not being able to sleep at all.

Moments later, her eyes widened due to the sudden vibration of her phone. There was an incoming message. And she couldn't help but feel on edge once more as she felt frozen in place. 

Please don't let it be my boss. Please don't let it be about my presentation! Or wait, is it mom? Are they okay?

Sure, she could've stopped herself from getting her phone with her now sweaty hands and checking the SMS considering that it was her rest day, but the nagging guilt inside her about saying no to anything asked of her overpowered her senses. And there was also the thought that it could be an emergency, she didn't want anything to fail just because she didn't respond immediately.

With her decision being final, Sakura took three deep breaths before opening the text that she received, yet what she saw on her screen made fresh tears trickle down her face once again.

Sasuke Uchiha:

I'm just here, okay? Let me know if you want me to call you.

Sakura didn’t expect to receive such a heartwarming message at the exact moment she needed  it. She hasn’t seen Sasuke ever since Konoha imposed a nationwide quarantine and they haven’t even talked online for weeks, but for him to suddenly message her with such reassurance as if he knew that she needed to hear it, it made her feel like they had no distance between them for months. 

She read the message once more, and as she parsed the two sentences like it’s from a language unfamiliar to her, it slowly felt like the dark cloud above her head began dissipating somehow.

A part of her hesitated in responding to him. She didn’t want to sound needy. She didn’t want to be a bother, because for sure, Sasuke also has baggage of his own.

However, she realized that he was not the kind who would ever think of her that way. Never did he look at her with judgmental eyes, only with concerned ones. And that was enough for her to trust that it wasn’t something to be guilty about if she accepted his generous offer of being a listening ear that night.

Sakura didn’t bother typing a message anymore, instead, she scrolled through her contacts and called his number, fingers slightly twitching in nervousness. Because what if he's suddenly busy? What if he's not really interested in what she would say? And what if he would change his mindset about her after whatever she'd be able to share to him tonight?

Her mind was bombarded with tons of "what ifs," but when she heard a gentle "Hello?" on the other line, she was unable to stifle another cry.

"Sakura, how are—?"

Her sobs became a little louder, and she was worried that Sasuke would end up cutting the call.

"It's alright, Sakura. Go on, just release that. I'll stay here."

Yet he surprised her again. She didn't know how many minutes passed by as she just teared up with Sasuke silent on the other line. As her cries kept going, relief slowly entered her system like it was something she had never frlt before. She didn't know she needed to cry with somebody until she called Sasuke. She realized that it was so much different than when she was having a breakdown on her own.

"Are you feeling better somehow?" Sasuke asked when her muffled cries subsided.

"Y-yes. I guess."

"You know you can tell me anything." 

She heaved a sigh, nodding her head as if Sasuke would see her. "Thank you, Sasuke."

"Don't thank me yet. What happened?"

And then Sakura told him everything, from the terrifying news that astounded her that afternoon up to the messy details of her hectic week. 

She told him about how worried she was for her parents who were in the province, wherein the number of those affected by the virus was increasing day by day. And as much as she wanted to help them with their food supply, she felt helpless that she couldn't do much while she was here in the city. 

She also told him about how she felt like she was merely moving in a tiny box instead of flourishing in her profession, how it seemed like she was going nowhere in life despite being at the ripe age of 27. 

She mentioned regarding her presentation that she wasn't really happy about, because it wasn't something that she wanted to do. And even though she tried her best in working on it, she already knew that her boss would not even recommend it to be approved.

Speaking of her boss, she also expressed to Sasuke how the mere presence of her boss made her feel so small, like she was a physical representation of a failure. And just thinking about having no choice but to stay in that company, especially considering the pandemic situation, saps her of the little motivation in life that she has left.

Sakura still had a lot to say. But even she could not express and understand them yet. So she just ended her words with the truth that she has never felt so alone until right now.

That's when Sasuke spoke a full statement again other than his cues that he was listening earlier. "I'm so sorry that you are going through all these, Sakura. You're right, things could've been better so you didn't have to end up feeling the way you do right now. But you know that I'm here, right? And it's not even just me. The dobe is there. Also the rest of Rookie 12. Sakura, it may not feel like it but I want you to remember that I'm here. I never left and I never will."

Another stray tear escaped Sakura's eyes. "That means so much to me, Sasuke. That means so much. Thank you."

"Always." She could hear the smile in his voice. "I'm glad you were able to share all that with me. I hope it was helpful."

For the first time that day, Sakura found the urge to smile. "It was, really. I'm sorry it was too lengthy and messy, though. I...I honestly don't really know how to express everything. My mind's just so clouded right now."

"Hn. It doesn't matter, Sakura. It's okay if it's lengthy and messy, as long as you were able to let it out."

There was just silence after that for Sakura didn’t know what else to say. Even silence with Sasuke was comforting, so she just allowed that comfort to consume her continuously, never wanting it to end.

“Sakura?” 

“Hmm?”

“You’re not weak.”

Gasping a bit, Sakura could feel the tears starting to brim her eyes again, but this time, not due to the negativities inside and around her. 

Sasuke continued, “You’re not a physical representation of a failure either. You're made for so much more. I’ve seen you succeed in so many things, Sakura. And we all fail, but our failures don’t define us. Your failures or what you think as shortcomings don’t define you at all, you hear me?”

“Y-yeah.” She sniffed and wiped a tear with the back of her hand. “Sasuke, you’re making me cry again!” Sakura slightly giggled amidst her tears, and Sasuke could imagine that if he was beside her, she had probably slapped him hard enough on his arm while saying this.

He let out a chuckle. “Now look at you, you’re already laughing.”

“Your fault.” She huffed playfully. 

“Not sorry at all, then.” Sasuke grinned on his own. For him, he didn’t even do much, but for Sakura, it felt like Sasuke had pulled her out of a deep trench by simply being there.

There was one question that lingered in her mind ever since she received his text message. And so she asked him before they even ended the call. “Uhm...Sasuke? How did you know? I mean...why did you message me? How did you get the idea that I wasn’t feeling my best this week?”

Quietness filled the other line for a few seconds. “Intuition, I guess. You’re like that with me also, aren’t you?"

It was true, there were instances before that Sakura was the one who reached out first, as if it was a coincidence that he wasn't at ease with something by the time she talked to him. The only difference was that, during those times, they saw each other often, unlike now.

Sasuke added in a softer voice, "This wasn't the first time, Sakura. Maybe – no – I believe it’s because we’re…” 

Realization hit Sakura even though Sasuke didn’t even mention the word. And then she beamed, because honestly, she felt that too. They were connected, and no quarantine could affect that connection that they had.

Sakura muttered with a smile, “I believe that too, Sasuke.”

That night, she was able to sleep with a light feeling for the first time within the week. All thanks to Sasuke for reaching out when she started crawling underneath.

–––

June 2020 (c) AriannJS

–––

Hello. I don't know what this fic made you feel. But if you've made it this far, thank you. I'm proud of you, not only for reaching the end of this fic but also for surviving up until now❤️

I know it hasn't been the best time in the world, literally, but it is my desire and prayer to hopefully bring a bit of comfort to you guys while or after you read my works.

Here, Sakura had the assurance that Sasuke is there for her. For us, it's really amazing if we have a few trusted friends like that whom we could open up to, but sadly, some of us probably don't have anyone we're comfortable to confide with at all. But can I encourage you with this?🤗

Maybe your friends are busy. Or maybe your trust has been broken by so many people that you find it so difficult to open up now, but you also know full well that you kinda need a Sasuke to your Sakura especially these days. So let me share this with you...

"Cast (throw) all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you." - 1 Peter 5:7 ❤️

Here's a thing, God loves you and cares for you so much, and that's the reason why you could throw the whole weight of your anxieties upon Him. He will listen. He always does, even when at times it doesn't feel like it. And whatever it is that you would tell Him, it wouldn't change the fact that He loves you just the same🥰 So go, throw it all to Him now, I pray that you personally experience the peace that transcends all understanding once you do so❤️

On the other hand, I know some of us have diagnosed conditions and the situations around us are definitely not helping us recover further mentally. I'm not an expert but I really hope we could help one another during this time so here are a few reminders:

If you have medications, take them regularly and make it a priority. If needed, it's even better that you restock early regardless of the quarantine status in your place. I actually almost forgot taking my meds twice this week! Hahahuhu. But thank God I was working on this fic in the middle of the night so I still got to take it before sleeping😅

Make sure to take breaks even short ones within the day, especially during work days. Take a nap. Play an instrument. Eat. Read fics. Watch an episode of an animé. Anything that would fill your tank so you could be pumped up somehow as the day continues.

Lastly, don't hesitate to seek help from your trusted friends. Please, don't. You are loved. You are not a bother. You are worth listening to. You are valuable. You are made for so much more.

I may be a stranger but you can also contact me if you need someone to talk to🤗 I have the same username on IG and Twitter too! Sorry this was such a long author's note, but yeah, let's keep fighting one day at a time, alright?✊🏻

And if indeed you have a diagnosed mental condition, here's what my doctor has told me this week, you are not weak. Your condition is a part of you, but it is NOT all of you😭❤️ 

Thank you for dropping by. God bless!

-A

#SasuSakuTwitFest2020 #sasusaku #ss fanfics #sasusaku fanfics #sakura haruno #sasuke uchiha #ariannjfics

[jivingcryingboy]

Valentine’s Day

13/1

Hello again. Sorry I've been away for a bit but I have been busy! As it's been horrific all week I've been in putting the hours in making the music vid for the dickhead song. Somehow it's finished and it actually looks really good. The premise of the song is a bout a guy who kind of messes around someone, sleeps with her mate, doing dicky things but his actions are rooted in a kind of loneliness, lack of purpose, self deprecating kind of thing. He does care about the girl, admires her qualities but rejects her love and advances and ends up stringing her along in the process. She is an a band and seems to have a direction in life that comes from a passion for living. He yearns for her creativity and passion in life as seems to grasp at thin air when trying to decipher life. The idea was to draw simple pictures depicting each line in the song through really basic stick people figure. I could imagine each scene in my head and it was just a question of replicating it on paper. As I started however the drawings became more complex and they ranged from just a basic stickman to proper images of lifelike humans. I realised I had to blend the two to accommodate both the tragic and comic factors together. The stick images were good for the funny bits and when it was more human looking it was good for the emotional bits. It ended up being like Fullmetal Alchemist in a way where the comedy would be in the form of abstract cartoon figures and the drama would come in the form of more detailed anime. I put it up online the other day and thought it would be something decent to promote the page for while before Tennessee.

Tonight I'm headed to the singing competition heats! Haha no idea whats gonna happen. It's funny I've never really judged myself on a voice. The music I listen to has never needed a straight up brilliant singer, just heart. I only kind of judged myself on the songwriting. But it'll interesting to see how it all goes. Gonna do a song called Lovely. Thought it would different than doing a pop song which is limited to a simple melody. It's a gamble though as this might be exactly what they're looking for. Lovely could be a bit loose. Buttt i thought doing your own song might look better instead of doing a cover or singing ove backing track. Will full you in later.

14/1

It’s funny I never thought myself solely as a singer and last night was weirdly the most uncomfortable I’ve ever been on stage. The audience was nice, the people I was singing with were nice, nothing bad happened but I felt really uneasy. For the first time I kind of got caught between focusing on my voice and on the song, and I think I usually concentrate more on the latter. Don’t get me wrong I do focus on how I use my voice but it is the song that always guides it. One person running said I should look up a lot at the judges all the x factor stuff and I felt really uncomfortable doing it. Usually if I think something is going bad I’ve never really questioned myself too much. I don’t really know how to describe it, I’m not really nervous when I get up on stage but that was the first time I can remember where I was nervous. My mouth was dry, i could have sung better, but I just felt weird. Even when I got there I didn’t feel right. 

I didn’t get through but it really kind of confirmed for me, even more than I originally thought, that singing competitions aren’t for me. Maybe a singer-songwriter thing would be cool as that’s just you doing you but vocal things, I almost didn’t know whether I should have been me or do something that people will take to more easily. Judge 1 didn’t get what I did, that’s not my opinion of what she said, that’s what she said about the song. Judge 2 & 3 were more interested in the lyrics, and Judge 4 thought the song went all over the place and kept stopping and starting in the wrong way. The girl who had the best voice, or was the best singer I think by a long shot, came 3rd so I didn’t really know what they were looking for.

Anyway after the whole thing, today I got a message from a The Voice scout and The X Factor scout, which is something I really didn’t expect. I think wholeheartedly, I would never do the X Factor. I don’t dislike it or dislike people going on it but for me the show is too focused on the judges and less on the performers and it feels like glorified karaoke. Just feels like you lose the essence of why you do it in the first place. The Voice is a little different I think, I think there’s more authenticity about the whole thing. Feels like they concentrate on people more as artists rather than puppets. Anyway as it’s yolo year I thought ring the scout up and at least see what he says. Before I think would have just ignored it all but you have to try shit you don’t know or understand sometimes. And he was pretty cool. I’m sure he’s pretty cool to everyone but he seemed very chilled about the whole thing. There’s some auditioning that goes on during the summer and there’s a few record label people there who might nab you even before the show. I’m really not sure about whether I should do it, I really don’t. A part of me says no because of just maybe pre conceived ideas of what these talent shows are. Covers, image, lack of focus on anything other than voice on a catchy song and how easy you are to market. If I were to do my own songs on it then that would be interesting. Anyway I told him to give me more info down the line when the auditions were. I rarely say no to things now so I didn’t want to cut off that. X Factor, I don’t mean this in a ill mannered way but I don’t think I can do it. I don’t think I’m cut out for it. In my head I think I’d just be going nuts. I can’t do that whole camera thing where I sob about a dead cat or aunt and that’s the reason I’m singing. I can’t. I don’t even watch to much of The Voice but it does look better than X Factor.

This weekend I’m playing in Salisbury to play at The Lounge. I got family over there and a family friend got me in there to play. First night of my residency on Sunday at The Dalston bar too so that should be cool! Gonna learn a few more songs tomorrow as well which will be good for the busking. I’ve got my National Rail busking licence which is good! I’ve applied for some slots next week cos I need money! It’s been fucking horrible outside so I’ve been in working on tunes, the set, that dickhead song but looking forward to going out again. Now some of the stations are indoors so that should be great for this time of year. See how it goes. Gigs booked in for March and April including an acoustic night at The Half Moon a place which I bloody adore! I Love Putney and The Half Moon is a brilliant venue so I’m looking forward to playing there. Another bit of good news too. One of my mates has put me in touch with someone who works for BBC Introducing and she wants to play Tennessee for the show she’s running. All about who you know eh?

_

12.40am Valentine’s Eve and I’m listening to Valentine’s Day by Springsteen. Always been a favourite of mine. Although his earlier stuff is maybe the material that I admire the most his later stuff when he simplified his work still hits just as hard. The lyrics became shorter, the music was more focused but it was almost like his lack of lyrics in places contained power too, gave space for more imagery because of the unknown. Tunnel Of Love is a great album. Sounds dated I think but it doesn’t really matter to me. It stays with me.

Funny since the new year the last few days, since I released the dickhead song, I’ve felt slightly down, a bit melancholic, maybe even lonely. I don’t even mean in a relationship sense either. I tend to get like this from time to time though, I’ve just been getting better at realising when I am like it. I just need to move on and create something out of what I’m feeling. Always helps. Everything’s going well and yeah it can always go better, I think I need to do more. I need to start expanding the band slightly. Need to create more material, need to make start recording that song Ride and need to email more venues about another residencies. But 6 weeks in I can’t complain, I really can’t. I just need to keep positive and need to keep my head up and keep on keeping on. That’s half of it right there. Push on when you get rejected, keep faith in what you do. Don’t make excuses for yourself ever. Tomorrow: Tidy room, learn rest of the tunes you need to learn, lay down the piano for Ride, jam with josh in the eve. (Also need to take the word fag out of Tennessee as they need the radio edit. 

I’ve been struggling to go to sleep recently. Been thinking too much again, things I need to do, things I should do etc. It’s bad really cos it doesn’t help that I’m up. But if I am, it’s good to write stuff down, like I’m doing now. Writing down things can make things tangible. Your problems can become disembodied, intangible things which can become one hundred times worse then what they actually are. When you begin to break them down it becomes simpler. I think there’s a constant up and down slide really you are on. Every time you go down you fight to get back up, and once you’re up there you stare at the view for as long as you can before you go down. These moments you overcome things, achieve things, they are the meaning. Right now, I’m in a little funk but once I work harder do the things I’ve planned to do it will be better and I’ll keep going up. I just need to keep pushing.