#sorry for the gigantic ''vent'' post. it will happen agai

[sevicia]

Love songs don't work too well on me when they're sad.

I don't have anything to cry over, I've never even been in love.

I put on a sad love song, about any situation (a breakup, an unrequited crush, a loss), and I feel so incredibly frustrated. I feel so sad, so miserable over never having someone who comes to mind when the word "you" is sung, I feel like my life's gone sour and empty and there's nothing I can do to ever fix it, especially when I find that I don't actually care to meet new people and would rather spend time doing things that concern only me and me alone.

And it makes me happy! It makes me feel good, to finally be able to say "I like this, I made this, I want to do this more!" without feeling like a total liar who only says what he thinks he should say in order to get people off his back.

But then I'm alone, truly alone, and my brain's so tired I can't think up any games to play or stories to spin, and I'm alone and empty and it feels so horrible to be unable to think of anything but what I'm feeling, what I don't deserve to be feeling! My eyes itch, my stomach hurts and I can barely breathe from trying not to make any noise. I hate it so much! It drives me crazy! What reason do I have to be like this? I haven't tried. I don't think I'm capable of trying!

It's pathetic, I can't talk about it when I know someone's listening. I'm crying about love. I'm crying over things that haven't happened yet, things that won't ever happen. I'm crying and I can't explain it in a way that'd make sense to anyone, not even me, but I know it's about love, and knowing it's about love makes it so, so much worse.

I hate wanting love, because I know I am loved! I am loved as a friend, as a pet, as a student, but never as a lover. The way I look, or rather the way I am, makes me feel disgusting for wanting this.

I know I should be satisfied with what I have, not grateful nor indebted but satisfied, because I know I deserve this love I get, it doesn't really matter that I can't understand it. It makes me so happy to have people who look out for me, even when I'm too useless to really do the same for them. I love saying stupid things, sharing meaningless details about my day, watching them do just about anything, most of all I love making them laugh with the stupid things I say. I'm flimsy and unreliable and immature, but I hope I can be a safe place – a distraction from whatever they might be going through. I can talk for hours on end; all they have to do is put up with my stuttering jokes. I can't fix their problems, since my advice usually comes just from theory and observations, no practice available – all I hope for is to make them feel better, even if just a little, even if it doesn't last long.

I'm not sure why exactly I deserve to have people who love me, but I am so happy they do. Knowing they love me allows me to love them back, it allows me to stop being so scared of showing them, of letting them know how much I love them.

It makes me so happy, yet so bitter towards myself. Why aren't I satisfied? Can't I just stop wanting what I'll never have? My life's never been better, I have never been so unafraid, but I still can't fully relax, all because of this stupid want I feel. I say "want", but it's a lot more like a craving that won't ever be satisfied.

Feeling like this, knowing who I am? It's disgusting, repulsive, ugly, idiotic, pathetic, sad. No one will ever look at me that way, people have told me so. Not in those words, obviously, but being told "you're so lovable!" and "I don't know, I can't imagine you ever dating anyone for some reason" five sentences apart doesn't leave much room for interpretation, does it.

I know I am a dog. People who say they're dogs (or dog-like) usually mean they are loyal, or aggressive, or playful or loving, or some combination of any of those.

But the kind of dog I am is all about being loved. So very loved, cherished, yet always separate.

It's not something you can fix. I'm part of the family, I know this, but I'm still a different species. My time runs different from yours. Sometimes, a lot of the times, I don't understand what you're saying, but you sound happy, so I'm happy, too.

I chase you around and I do tricks so you'll smile at me and tell me I'm good. I never feel bad about this, I don't see why I should! I love doing tricks!

You take good care of me, dress me up in winter and take me to the vet when I get sick. I never make a scandal, I'm so well-behaved!

At dinner time, I sit at your feet. I already ate, I never miss a meal – I sit at your feet, maybe lean my head into your lap, only to ask for pets, but never food. I never, ever ask for food, no matter how good it looks or how yummy it smells.

You eat while I lay under the table. Sometimes you comment on it – "Isn't he so good? He never asks for human food!" – and hearing it makes me proud, in a way. I focus on my tricks, on making you happy, never on asking for what I can't have.

I'm such a good dog.

My mouth waters. I can smell every single thing you're eating, and it smells so, so good, I just wanna jump up on your lap so I too can have a seat at the table! But I've done it before, and being so close to the food is torture. The smell is even stronger, I salivate even more, and from here I could just lean over a bit while you're not looking, try and grab a bite...

Yes, I could grab a bite, but I won't. I stay put and jump down eventually, going back under the table. I can still hear your chatter, the sounds of cutlery, of chewing, I can tell you're having a really good meal.

A meal that I can't partake in.

Physically, I can, of course, but I know better than to try. I know my place is down here, yours is up there – it's not that you think I'm lesser, it's just how it works. You can't think of a dog eating dinner at a table without laughing, it just sounds so silly!

So I stay under the table, I hear you laugh and chew and swallow it smells so good, my mouth waters and waters and I drool all over myself, but I already ate. Now all I've got are cravings for *your* food, which you won't give me, *can't* give me, because it's people food. Sure, I could eat *some* of it, but then I'll start begging for it. It's better if I don't know what I'm missing out on.

So bad, so bad, I wanna eat it so bad! But I know my place: at your feet, well-behaved and taken care of. So cherished I could never hate you.

But I do resent you. The way you get to sit at the table without sticking out like a sore thumb, the way it's *natural* for you to sit at the table and eat whatever you want.

It's just so unfair, to be so different and have to watch as everyone around me eats while keeping my mouth shut, never whining or whimpering.

I am a dog. You love me, but I'm different from you; we could never stand the same, wish for the same.

I'm so tired. I need to sleep. So tired. I wanna wake up a different person. I'm so sorry I keep wanting more, I'm so sorry I can't get used to this, it's so hard. It hurts so much

#diary #a poem when I wake up is lovely sometimes but often it just ruins my day #sorry for the gigantic ''vent'' post. it will happen agai #again***