#sorry for the rambles i tend to treat this blog as part journal tbh

[milkweedman]

Man, my doctor warned me these meds could make me clumsy, and i kind of shrugged it off bc im already walking into doors and walls constantly in my own home, but today after i took my meds (1 hour ago, i delayed bc they make me a very bad driver and i had a lot of driving to do) i have already fallen down 3 times and keep ending up on the floor somehow whenever i try to stand up. Its not great

#also shifted in my seat wrong and it immediately pulled my left hip all the way out #got it back in but like. ow #if im being honest i miss the blend of codeine vicoden and gabapentin that i was on post surgery #no pain at all and i had so much energy. i mean my brain was addled but its addled now too if we're being honest #the unfortunate fact of the matter is that i kind of. cant be present in my brain or body anymore #if im not on any painkillers then i kind of just separate and float away because the pain is so unending and horrible #if im on painkillers that actually work (which always end up being the kind that addle the brain) then. yknow. im floaty #damned if you do and damned if you dont #before the chronic pain got as bad my ptsd was just sort of tearing thru me 24/7 so i used a lot of drugs #to separate from that as well #i dont think my ptsd is any better rly i think the physical stuff just eclipses it #i am full up on physical anguish and misery so there is no room for the psychological anguish and misery #or at least that is my guess #sorry for the rambles i tend to treat this blog as part journal tbh #chronic illness