#that all of my pining isn't requited that all of my drawings and stories and animatics are so worthless

[frecklystars]

[starts sniffling and crying when seeing pictures of ryan gosling from the fall guy movie] oh ok it's that kind of night

#the ache in my chest... i dont know why it makes me teary #i should be looking forward to seeing a new ryan movie? to getting a new F/O? #so why am i crying huh why am i so sad that it's making me shed actual tears #is it because i'm worried it'll be just another F/O who i'm gonna afraid of? another F/O im conditioned to fear? #is it just gonna be another F/O that i've prematurely lost to my trauma? that i wouldnt be worthy of his love? or smth stupid like that #huh!!! what is it!!! i should be happy but its like a knife to the chest #vent #sorry i just needed to put this out into the void #i used to be so excited to get new F/Os but now it's like... it just hurts #I used to think 'oh! new bf/gf! kissed and thrown into the pile!' #now it's like 'oh. new person who would look at me and see someone so worthless' #i never used to be like this until i was abused and now its all i can do #i NEVER looked down on myself like this. i NEVER believed my F/Os would cast me aside #i never ever ever doubted that I'd be so wholeheartedly loved #but now it's all i know how to do #i don't even know his character's name and i'm already thinking he wouldn't love me back #that all of my pining isn't requited that all of my drawings and stories and animatics are so worthless #that all of my self ships are a joke. that all of my drawings and fics and animatics are a joke #that everything i've done to feel loved by these characters is hilariously incorrect #like who can possibly fathom that i am inherently lovable when im just used as. some. some punching bag #as my abuser put it. she's right. that's all im good for #my F/Os wouldnt see me as anything more