#thats not fully true i talked to a dnd player at my table like three days ago and tumblr mutuals but like

[scalpelsister]

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#going to be having abandonment issues on main in these tags besties do not even worry about it or read it unless u want to idk ur life #but uh. partially due to fault on my part but also just like #a part of my friends having busy lives and me. not having a life at all has meant that #i dont think ive talked to my friends in a very long time #thats not fully true i talked to a dnd player at my table like three days ago and tumblr mutuals but like #it has fully been weeks since i talked to someone i would consider to be a best friend #close to a month for another irl friend #over 6 months since i had a fight / break up with my qpp who i had spent my entire life with and thought id spend the rest of my life with #like i am just. not doing well socially at all #my dad is. still really absent #like we live together and the only time i ever see him is when hes getting home after a night of drinking #like im not saying he never comes home sober but like #its maybe a max average of twice a month that he comes home sober to hang out with me or share a dinner or go do something #every other night i either a) dont see him at all because he decided to sleep over at a friends place / he went to an after party and didnt #get home until 5 am #or b) he comes home smashed and I get to talk to him very very drunk for about 5-30 minutes max #and by talk to i mean mostly listen to him ramble and yanno #be smashed #so thats my social life! I am lucky if I get to talk to someone in person for more than five minutes and also i dont know if i have friends #anymore? are they busy? do they not like being around me? who knows! #and dnd has not happened and will not happen in a long time either so i am just #very alone lol. im coping better than expected honestly? like im making sad tumblr posts but i am like. handling a pretty notable level of #social isolation somewhat well I think all things considered. and i think i am handling the qpp thing very well honestly #have i had mental breakdowns about it fueled by both arcane and cr. yes. #have i had many a cry. yes #do i still cry about it. yes. but considering we where friends for 16 or so years. that seems reasonable to me #like idk i feel so many conflicting emotions about that still but i think the chief one is and will always be a level of heartbreak? #and people in my life. do not seem to always fully grasp that? like to put it to yall this way. I was friends with this person for almost #as long as my mother was alive. my own mother only knew me for two years longer than this friend did #not even tbh i think like one and a half year if you do the math