#thats the goal now i guess. 85 pounds and then if its not good enough i just keep going lower untill its worse

[tinylittlebab]

ill be skinny and dying and ill look beautiful and people will like me it has to happen or id rather die

whats the point of being lonely and in pain all the time and then having to get a job and hate doing that if i have no friends and hate myself. the one thing that keeps me wanting to live wont be good enough once u have to work and in that case id rather just die

:(

#i just. i dont want most of my immediate family aware of this. ive spiraled a little bit i guess. i wanna be hospitalized haha. like a lot #thats the goal now i guess. 85 pounds and then if its not good enough i just keep going lower untill its worse #but i guess if im hospitalized my immediate family will HAVE to get involved. i just dont wamt my younger siblings aware of it. #i wanna make myself so sick. i want the people who always looked at me when i was little and hated how shy i was and said i was too small #tohear about giw im in the hospital and think oh thats just terrible #its like. i dont even know anyone who will look at me thinner and think its a good thing. everyone i know already knows about my ed #and they all already think u should eat more. i do wish i knew someone who would think me being skinnier was good #i want someone who will feel me get bonier and think whoah thats neat. think its cool they can wrap their hands around my wrists #well. my wrists are very tiny anyway because my hands are really small. my family just has really tiny hands #people dont notice mine much because they are proportional to my arms (they notice my siblings though bc they are bigger than me) #but whenever someone actually holds my hands or hands me something a looks they realize oh my god why are your hands so small #like. the bones themselves are small. been told i have baby hands. mine are way smaller than my siblings though bc im underweight #hmm. i always felt horrible for this but i used to be so internally proud of the fact i was slinnier than my 8yo sister #like. she is a normal sized kid. average weight and height. and it feels validating to be smaller than that. like i actually AM tiny #my only friend is fat which is obviously fine and nothing wrong with it but it means i have no comparison. she is much bigger than most #people so i cant think oh im way smaller than her im doing great bc like. that could mean im just average sized. but that i can look at my #sister who is normal sized for someone 8 years younger than me and is also i young kid and see im thinner so i must be doing well #well. one day ill move past that and look pike i could juat die right there bc im so small #so tiny that i look so frail and easy to break