#the fact that she got covid and lived because she didnt have to work doesnt live in a care home doesnt rely on the nhs is fucking rich

[catfish-and-the]

rnating. u can scroll past

i dont even kno where to begin everything is just bad and everything aches and everything is empty and each waking moment just feels Bad and its hard to sleep and the Bad feeling wakes me up in the middle of the night and its the first thing i feel when i wake up is just Bad and e mpty and its been over a month and when i say ive tried everything to feel better like i have lmao ive tried all thrhee types of antidepressants and ive tried nicotine and weed and positive reflection and gratefulness exercises and not self h*rming and doing physical exercise ive tried going out to socialize more often and scheduling time out for hobbies and ive tried surrounding myself with the color yellow and eatinng a better diet and keeping up with self care and getting therapy and staying hydrated all at once all at the same tiem and still still it feels like this and im really just. i really feel like it wont get better lmao this really feels like a brand new low and ive just been feeling like this for at least a decade if not longer and i hate living like this but nothing fucking helps in fact like i said ive felt worse than ever before it just doesnt feel like it will get better no matter what i do because i feel like ive done almost everything i could possibly do and it just hasnt worked. and i feel like its only going to get worse because the future is Ass like the news and the gov and the politics and the climate and working your whole life away for nothing and im so scared ill get a job that i dont like and make everything so much worse and im just so mad and sad because i switched out of my old phsics major bc it was too much for me and it destroyed my psyche bc me and my friends would like spend 6 hrs after class in the student tutor room trying to get help for one proble and the tutrs didnt even know how to solve it and i was like i cant throuw my youth away doing this because i already did that in high school and it got me fucking nowhere so i switched out to have time to live life but then covid happened and i was too late anyway bc by then everyone had their friend groups already and still now i dont have. like. friends lol. so i switched out of my dream major but there was no life for me to live so it really feels like it was all for nothing and also idk if this is for everyone but weed out classes made me feel brain damaged and like destined to be stupid even now im like im not smarte nougha dn im not tough anough and im not reilient enough and it has instilled in me this forever guilt and forever self doubt idk how to explain it i just feel so bad bc i really did like physics i just wasnt smart or strong enough i guess lmaoooo but the thing is if i knew thhat there would be no life to catch up on. i wouldve just stayed in that major bc i didnt need to do anything else. now im in english w all the time in the world and straight As and my friends dont invite me to their hangouts.

and then theres also the fact that idk i feel bad saying this but for some reason ppl of my own gender and race dont like me lmfao like i still cant believe ppl of my own race and gender would like. try to get me to not be on the elevator at the same time as me we r both waiting for the elevator and then she gets in and closes the door on me when we are BOTH WAITING THERE. and this has happened w several complete strangers several times and im like what do u have against me fr im trying so hard to be a better person im trying so hard but it feels so u nfair. and the beauty standards are so extreme and i never fit in and it makes me feel like shit and guys of my race will always call me ugly completely unprompted or something and im just like. im just trying so hard. and i have 0 social skills bc i spent all of my time as a kid studying bc i love avademia and it was the only thing anyone ever respected me for cos i was always the kid that was the butt of jokes and pranked on and left out so i was like i have to be smart if i want to be respected but then i have no social skills but i still dont have any lmao and i feel so lonely bc i dont know how to make deep and close connections and ive never been in a relationshipand “everyone will get their time” or whatever but the lack of experience is scary bc i feel like im goonna fuck something up inevitably bc ive never done this before and/or i will have trust issues and self confidence issues bc of how im always treated and its like yeah enjoy being alone but i have been alone my whole life and i feel like ive exhausted everything out of it i want connections now i want to share things now. going to restaurants and parks and shops by urself and having a good time is fine but i have been doing that for over ten years im old now i want. i want to share my life w someone but theres no one to share it with lol. and the longer i go without sharing it it just feels like the less hope there is for things changing. i tried googling how to socialize and make conversations and form closer bonds but it just doesnt work and i feel like i was never destined to be happy or have good things bc everything ve tried at never has worked out. i wanted to go to a nice college and failed. i wanted to be a physicist and failed. i wanted to make friends and failed. i wanted to be ina band and failed/ i wanted to make my own career and failed. its been over ten years. i want it all to stop i dontn want to try anymore i know how it always turns out.

#and i feel like i have to get a nice job bc like #in my culture the children care for their parents right and i have always felt like a parasite child #to my parents so ive always wanted to like take care of them annd just like be nice to them back so #i thot i could get a good job and send them money but this job might kill me bc i dont like it #but i also feel like i cant ruin their legacy bc they were immigrants and worked rlly hard to get #to where they are now and i dont wanna fuck that up but like oh my god #oh my god idk everything hurts so bad #and ive grown to be so bitter and so angry bc the way im always treated and ill be rlly curt #towards ppl that dont deserve it so the guilt just keeps piling up but ic abt control it either #bc my parents also just put this stress on me and also dont help w me socializing like every summer #i come back bc i have to but then my friends on the rare occassion they invite me i cant go #bc my parents dont let me #idk im just so sad and bitter and angry and full of guilt #when i was a kid i made a promise to myself that i would try to make the best life decisions so that this wouldnt happen #but i ended up becoming the very thing i swore i would never become and it is just so sad #its just the fact that ive done everythingin my power to help for as long as i could its been several years #and its only gotten worse but i know i even tried to d ie several times ad failed at that too #i dont know what my next option is everything hurts and i want it all to stop i just want everything to stop #and w grad school approaching im burdened w another decision of. leaving my band and starting over #or staying in a place i never wanted to be anyway and i donnt know what the move is #im so out of hope im contemplating op iates or xan or something bc i dont know what else to do ive tried #ive tried

[dawnowar]

I spend all this time by myself

and i use it to think about everything. 

Before Covid-19 i was fed up with my clients for getting me sick all the time and kind of sick of the rut I was in and starting to think about what else I might like to do. The truth is I wanted to workout. Like all the time. I was considering the possibility of maybe becoming an instructor even though I know its not a money-maker because it was the thing i was most interested in spending my time doing.

But then came the lockdown and I packed in my business and got a job stocking grocery store shelves. Which I liked. Its just that perfect combo of physical and fussy work that I liked so much and I could listen to podcasts and no one had reason to take issue with what I was or wasn’t doing. I just couldn’t sleep during the day. I couldn’t do it. 

So i got a work-from-home job and now i dont go anywhere or do anything with anyone and I’m home all day by myself.

I get better at it being home all the time by myself the more I do it which is both good, because thats the best way to be right now, and bad because I find myself less and less interested in connecting with other people. 

Not out of fear of coronavirus or anything like that, but once I quit facebook I realized that mostly wasnt any real connection with anyone on there. Just chatter and wasted emotion over things that don’t matter at all if you don’t log in. 

I decided it’d be better to try to reach out to people individually. At least one every day. To stay connected. to be connected. to really be connected.

but then maybe one day i didnt feel like it and ive kind of mostly stopped doing that too. 

I was video chatting with people when we were all staying home but everyone’s just stopped doing it. Everyone just started pretending Covid-19 wasn’t a thing anymore and going back out and doing everything they normally would but just carrying a mask around with them. I guess that’s sort of tempting but then not really either. I mean the things i used to do that im not doing now are standing in small sweaty rooms with people breathing on each other. Whether thats workouts or bars, its exactly the activities to avoid and I never did much else. So I stay home now by myself.

I don’t get a lot of invites to hang out w people, although i could do the inviting and people would come over but it makes me think thoughts about how all my adult life I’ve been the kind of person who goes out and knows everyone everywhere she goes. And then I go home. By myself. On purpose. 

I’ve always lived alone on purpose. And i go out when i want to socialize with other people. But my home is my oasis of personal peace where everything is mine and its just the way I like it and I can relax and no one else is invited.

So its comfortable here. I have my cats and my TV and a big bag of coffee and my alexa and its fine. I’m fine here. 

I do a lot of thinking. About why im like this and why its not normal and who cares if it is or not and how I never intended to be all alone for lengths of time like this when I set up my life this way, and how its kind of OK even though I kind of wish I had a partner to do stuff with and be close to since I don’t.

But not because i feel like I need one.

Because I feel like it’d be nice to have one sometimes.

I always had people around me whenever i wanted people around me. I was never a person who was lacking for companionship. 

So here I am, lacking for companionship, and i feel OK mostly about it. Strangely enough. But i feel like im not supposed to be OK, which makes me feel even weirder about getting better at this as I go. 

Here I am at i think its the 5 1/2 month mark now, isn’t it? 

and its fine. Still. 

I don’t love my job but I love that i got it. I mean I made a huge pivot as fast as I could when I saw this pandemic thing for what it was. what it is. and in fact, my first one didnt work out so i made a second one and now im in a great position to survive. 

Even if everyone else kind of said fuck it, who cares how many people die, im not staying in anymore... Here I am ready to ride it all out, probably for as long as it takes in a good position financially and personally. Go me. I am proud of myself for figuring out what to do. 

But at the same time, as i settle into my new work-from-home schedule, i find myself less and less interested in socializing at all with anyone and more and more okay with staying home by myself.

I dream about X boyfriends because i dont have any current ones to dream about and I don’t have anything interesting to talk about with people because nothings happened to me. Maybe thats why I don’t want to socialize anymore. They don’t have anything to talk about either. 

The zoom chats got super-boring after the first few weeks because no one was doing anything and we all just ran out of stuff to talk about. 

So I stay home by myself and i think about things. Everything. Every single thing i’ve ever done in my whole life. I think about all of it in some detail. Look at it from some new vantage point. Why im like i am, the things that have happened to me to shape me into this person, the things I’ve done and the way I’ve handled them and what i didn’t know i could have or should have done at the time instead of what I actually did. How things might have turned out differently for better or for worse if this had happened or that had happened or if i’d known what i know now or if that one thing hadn’t happened or if that other thing had happened.

And how mostly it would all just have all always played out again the same way due to the circumstances of the moment even if I had it to do over. And how that’s fine. Because thats how I got to where I’m at right now. And im fine. 

Even if I am alone in a pandemic that doesnt seem to be ending anytime soon.

I guess i can just go back out again whenever I feel ready to do that like everyone else seems to have already done. 

Or maybe I never will. 

I wanted a change. I was already starting to spend a lot less time going out and knowing everybody. Thanks to the divisive politics of a certain president, I’d come to see a lot of ‘friends’ of mine in a different light and distanced myself from a good amount of people in the last few years, but that’s only part of what was going on with me. 

For whatever reason, the last few years, my love-life has been a string of the guys I’m really into not liking me back or not taking me seriously as a real partner, while the very few guys who seem to show any real interest in me are the ones I don’t like back. 

So I was down a lot of friends and there were no boyfriends and going out was depressing unless there was a band i liked playing. Because I’m at this age now where im like 20+ years too old for the guys in this college town, so there’s no one to meet and if the band playing isn’t any good then it was just a waste of time and money to go out. 

Staying home is fine for me, but I do wonder if this is it for me. This is the rest of my life. I’m a spinster with cats and that’s it. I never had kids cause i never wanted any. I’ve always been fine with that. But when theres nothing to do and nowhere to go and I’m alone all the time, maybe having had kids wouldn’t have been so bad if they would be people i could be doing stuff with.

But do I even want to do stuff? I don’t even know. I mean i could do stuff but I dont want to. I could invite people over to hang out in my backyard, but I dont think i want to. In another month it’ll be cold for hanging out outside. 

Will I want to do stuff then?? or will the numbers go back up once people are all indoors breathing on each other all the time again? 

Will I be happy I have this job i dont like in my house? I get to stay here and be safe and do whatever i want to do whenever i want to do it by myself all the time. Till its over. or till im done. whichever comes first. or whichever comes last.

What will things look like when its over? What will I be like when it’s over? Will it even ever be over? I know no one knows. But this is what I think about. It’s all I do. Think about all of this. Think about everything I’ve ever done and everything I ever will do and everyone I ever did anything with.

And how I’m fine.

and whether or not I should be fine. 

and if being fine in and of itself while I’m alone for months during a global pandemic is all really just some issues I have because of being raised poorly. 

Or maybe I’m just fine and doing well.

and maybe I’m just thinking about everything because I’m not on facebook. And maybe everyone is on facebook because they don’t want to be thinking about everything.

[gboxventspace]

so. had an interesting night. was getting gabe into bed when i heard a commotion at the front door, went out when done with gabe to investigate. mom's sitting in the living room, dad standing in the hallway, both listening to this girl on our couch. it was hard to tell how old she was, but i'd guess a couple years older than me, wearing great makeup with a designer(?) bag on her hip, talking a mile a minute about what apparently brought her to our door. at almost 1 am.

i only caught the tail end of her story, but it was disjointed and not much really added up. gist was that her ex boyfriend had been chasing her, and she sprinted until she found somewhere to hide, and hoped our lights being on meant someone was awake. she was texting her cousin to come pick her up as she told us this, in our house maybe 15 minutes total.

then she said she heard her cousin's car, and went out to see him. 2 cars were parked fairly far up the street, far enough we couldnt see people or plates. we heard her say "leave me alone!", then cars were maneuvering to leave.

now. that sounds fucking awful, and i wanted to call the cops just in case, but my parents said no, and here are a few reasons why.

one, the girl wasnt acting right through any of it. she never calmed, talking fast and fidgeting constantly, saying it was the adrenaline. never met any of our eyes more than briefly. and while that behavior alone certainly isnt bad (even if its apparently not typical for the situation she descrived, according to my psych nurse mother who'd been trying gently to help her calm down and de-escalate the entire time), it doesnt look good with the rest.

two, her story made absolutely no sense. while i only caught the end, mom recounted to me the basics, and it jumps all over the place. mom had been asking clarifying questions throughout, and her narrative jumped around and made no chronological sense. talked about giving her ex a ride to his hotel, but then he was harrassing her, so she called the cops and they didnt arrest him, but then she was at a gas station and ditched both him and her car to get away from him. and yet, somehow at the same time, she was at her cousin's house, who she also apparently ran away from. neither into the house or gas station, mind you, but instead down the road and into neighborhoods. she also was completely unable to tell us where this gas station was, because fun fact, there arent any within any kind of sprinting distance from our house. there was also an empty parking lot mentioned in there somewhere, of which there are very few around here, definitely not in sprinting distance either.

three, she used too many details where it didnt matter. now, this one was what made me switch into being suspicious of her; while it isnt a big deal, she was telling odd bits of info with her background that were completely unnecessary, and tripped my "she's lying" alarms, like her child's exact birthday, the job she had and lost with covid, that she lives with her grandmother. its not *abnormal*, but it didnt fit, i dont know how else to really explain except that it wasnt right.

four, she wouldnt tell us her cousin's name. casually asked, and her exact wording was "oh, he doesn't like giving his real name out to people". we asked so that we could vet if it was him before letting her out to him, for her safety.

five, she was adamant that she didnt want to call the cops, bc of how they didnt arrest him before so they wouldnt help now. which, completely on its own would be understandable, but with everything else? nah.

six, when we heard a car go past the house, she ran straight outside and up the street to it. this was despite us suggesting multiple times that she look through the window first to verify, that she wait for the car to come back down the street, or for us to go first and see if it was her cousin. no, she ignored allllll of that, going right out of any range where we could help her without a second thought, and then yelling before presumably being pulled into a car we couldnt see well. if this wasnt some kind of setup, then damn, she's really got no sense of self preservation.

all in all, it just felt wrong. her behavior, her story, the lack of details where it mattered but abundance where it didn't, the blatantly ignored advice on things that would keep her safe, the pointed distance of the cars from our house, everything. and in the end, there wasnt anything we could really report if we'd wanted to; that a girl came in, told us a story, then shouted and got in a car? it was too far (and too smokey, fucking wildfires) to even see how she entered the vehicle, whether she was pulled in or what. and there were 2; was it the ex boyfriend and also her cousin? how could boyfriend have found her here if she only sent the location to the cousin?

so. working theories are that maybe the core of her story was true, but the inconsistencies come from purposely avoided details; maybe drugs are involved? if so, it'd help explain her behavior, why she wouldnt give out her cousin's "real name", and why the story was so disjointed. unreliable narrator, or she was skipping incriminating details.

theory two (by my mom, which i personally dont agree with) is that she and her ex are in some dramatic sort of game thing, where she wants to be chased for the drama of it all. doesnt explain her weird story though.

theory three, this was all some kind of setup, with her "exboyfriend" and "cousin" being accomplices. only problem with that is, accomplices to *what?* she didnt steal anything, didnt gain anything from her time with us. sure, she saw inside the house a bit, couldve been keeping an eye out for valuables, but why us? we just happened to be awake at one in the morning for this? she wouldnt have been able to see anything worth stealing, anyway, aside from my mom's broken laptop maybe. all she would've learned is that there's 4 of us living here with a barking dog.

whatever it was, the worst case scenario is that she got grabbed by her ex, but the 2 cars and timing suggest highly that her cousin was literally right there too, meaning someone she seems to trust was witness and able to help her more than we could. just in case it was scoping for a robbery, we locked up the house tight and i have a crowbar.

more than anything it was just unnerving. in all likelyhood that'll be the end of it, but there's a chance that some other shoe will drop, and that's leaving all of us uneasy.

9/13/20 4:58 am

[revol-lover]

dreams don’t end at “30″

so i just had a little breakthrough and maybe this wont sound like anything to anyone else but i just have to share it

so i’ve talked about this before. about how my friend and i were both planning these personal development like goals for this year that covid got in the way of. and he said something, about how this is his last year in his 20s and he wanted to get some goals accomplished before 30 

and i thought about that and realized something.

i have been feeling similarly about a few goals that i’ve been hanging onto for years and years. like i’m going to be honest with you, some people might remember this if you’ve been around here for a long time but probably not. anyway when i was in high school i really wanted to make music, sing, learn an instrument. and i did make some covers that i posted on myspace (showing my age here lol) and youtube but then i kind of gave up on it when

 1) became 18 and realized my dream to go to NYC and pursue music when i was 18 wasn’t happening because of a million reasons (it was very much a pipe dream, right? i mean you can’t have that dream and not prepare for it and i didnt. also i was too scared at the time to even move out to my own place if i had the funds to do so because my parents wouldnt have really approved and i was still so under their thumb) 

2) broke up with my musician boyfriend. which needed to happen. but he was the only person super passionate about that kind of goal at the time around me (till he ran lol)  and he actually is still doing music now so good for him but basically 

because of those 2 reasons i just let go of that dream all together as something i thought i wanted to do but was “unrealistic”.

but the thing about turning 30 and feelings like you needed to achieve all these personal/dreamy/goals in your 20s. what is that bullshit? why? 

what changes when you cross over to 30? i’ll tell you one thing. media pushes movies, books, films, everything about people chasing their dreams in their 20s and “settling” down in their 30s. where’s my inspiring movie about the 32 year old mom who finally wrote a song and performed it live after being terrified her whole life of doing so?

 think about it though

in your 30s you. *might* have a better paying job than you did in your 20s. which means, if you can manage to find time or a way for it, you *might* be able to save a little more money or afford to do something like, buy that guitar and guitar lessons in order to learn to play and write a song and live out your dream in some way, even if its just learning to play so you can play at an open mic. and maybe you’ll like that and you’ll somehow connect with likeminded people and form a band. idk. your dreams dont have to end in your 20s. 

you dont have to fall into the trap of your 20s are for your dreams that are so big you feel like the chance of achieving them is getting struck by lightening

and then your 30s are for fancy adult goals like buying a house, and going on a $10k vacation and those things are probably just as hard as the goals you had in your 20s but the world wont make you see it that way. its seen as “selfish” to prioritize and budget for your artistic goals - but not a house. no that’s responsible and what you “should” do. but its ok to prioritize something that’s going to give your soul fulfillment too! we need to believe that! because it’s true. we are not here just to work our jobs and live mundane colorless lives once we aren’t considered “young” anymore (but 30s are still young. not what i’m saying)

 you’re always going to be chasing something big and if you let the world control what that thing is you’re always going to be on some rat race. 

it’s fine if you achieve your goals in a different order than the world says you were supposed to. i got married young and had a child young, that was how my life played out and i’m happy with that because, yes, finding love and becoming a mother very much were goals of mine.

yes i dropped out of college because i couldn’t afford it and i couldnt find a major that felt worth being in debt for. and also, because hey guess what? contrary to what a lot of people will try to lead you to believe, college is not for everyone. and college does not = success. college drop out does not = failure. it’s just an option of something you could do with your life. AND if you didn’t go to your college in your 20s it doesnt mean you can’t in your 30s. or 50s. hell my husband, who did go to college saw elderly (think, 80s!) people going to his college as students! college isn’t just for 18 year olds fresh out of high school. 

My 27th birthday is in 2 weeks and no, i have not yet to worked up the courage to write an original song from words to music, or have the courage to get on a stage and sing anything, or talk to a stranger, or publish any of my writing or art, goals i’ve had whirling around in my brain since I was 18, but, it’s going to happen. maybe this year. maybe when i’m 35, but it’s going to happen. a number is not going to be the thing holding me back.

that whole mentality of “my youth is slipping away i need to achieve all these dreams before midnight the day of my 30th birthday” is so stupid and flawed and we all deserve to see ourselves, and our individual potential as more than that. 

last part of this rant - one of the reason i even became so passionate about reignighting some of my dusty, old goals, that it turned out, i still cared about, is because i had a moment where i was like

ok i am a mom. i am someones mom. how will my daughter see me, as a person, not just her mom? 

kevin and i always talk about how between the two of us we’ve both had a lot of quintessential young adult experiences that we look forward to sharing with her. like, quitting jobs, getting in car accidents, that one time i unknowingly participated in an illegal bonfire and ran from the cops then lied straight to their faces and somehow got away with it (literally my ONE act of teen rebellion), changing college majors like 3 years in (kevin), failed classes, tried cigarettes, etc like i’m ready, and hope that one day she will feel comfortable talking to us about things because we’ve been through things and have a lot of input and two different perspectives to offer

but further than that, i realized that i want her to know that her mom is a person too. i want her to know that mom is also passionate about writing, and music, and somehow tackled some of her goals in regards to that so that SHE can feel that SHE, too can do those things. and i know that, that is in part how it works 

because,

my dad IS an artist. my dad IS a musician. yall. my dad is SO talented.  my dad is brilliant. besides his artistic abilities which include, drawing literal realistic as fuck portraits, sculpting, painting, playing guitar, bass, piano, mandolin, he also knows music composition, etc etc etc beyond all of that, he also taught himself fucking PLUMBING and ELECTRICIAN SHIT to fix things in our house growing up. like he bought a book. and taught himself. my dad. i grew up thinking that was normal but i realized not everyones dad can just tear down the bathroom and rebuild it from scratch down to the plumbing without being a licensed professional.

but anyway the point is - as talented as my dad is, he doesnt really pursue his artistic dreams much. and its sad. i’m glad that i’ve seen some of the work he did when he was younger. i’m glad that if i bring it up, he’ll show me something he can do. but he doesnt pursue it anymore really. my dad works an exhausting physical labor job but even he, as a 50something year old has fallen into that trap of like, i dont have time to draw, but he will scroll his phone and read articles for hours and i’m not shaming him. i’m just saying we all have this problem in the modern era of technology and social media and what not (hell i am writing a post on tumblr instead of my book right now).

but if timing was different and my dad grew up in a different time, where lets say something distracted him from doing the little bit of art and music that he did when i was a kid that i was able to witness, if i hadnt seen that. i wouldnt know that.. in a way.. that’s in me. i mean, he’s my dad. if my dad could pick up a craft and work at it to be good at it, why can’t i? there are so many musicians and (kind unrelated but not rly - i think being “self made” is an art) business owners in my family. there’s either some common thread in our genetics ORRRRRRRRRR just growing up around people working at and succeeding at those kinds of goals shows you that it CAN be done so you’re more likely to believe in your abilities

and i want that for my daughter. because even as an almost 3 year old i can see that she has a gift for music, and reading. and even if i’m wrong about that and she grows up wanting to do some other thing as a job or hobby, i want her to know, by seeing her mom do it, that she can achieve anything she puts her heart to. you don’t have to box yourself in because of your age or your sex or the fact that you’re a parent. 

and your dream doesnt have to become your career. it can be a hobby and still be fulfilling. like yes, 18 year old me dreamed about some life in nyc singing in clubs or bars or whatever and being ~famous (lol) and that did not happen, but i can still get out there and play open mic downtown and get that love of music, and desire to face my fear of performing out of my system. maybe i’ll love it. maybe i’ll hate it. but i’ll have done it. and that’s the ultimate goal. 

sorry i went off but i had to get that out of my system and i’m very passionate about 

#personal

[whimsically-ominously-auspice]

So Jazmine was trying to get her DNA changed to be Brian's child.

She asked me to remove the "daddy's race girl" clothing from the baby registry. So i looked and turns out there wasn't an actual item that said that. So we are good and kept those items.

The nursery section is still under construction and I agree with Alex wait till you see me to buy. Although what he was saying was he has no intention of me going.

Well he's an ass hole and i am not.

And my no the refused to change the twins DNA Only because Jazzy didn't include Annabelle.

Who is Alex Laughlin's biological child he chose to neglect and abandon and doesn't pay child support.

Jazzy says "i meant.. Us.. All. To change our DNA"

"Yep that i can do since you're verbally including Annabelle as well to make sure." Replied my mom

My mom is SO SO SO SO SO SO mad at Alex Laughlin right now. She could choke him out to death in 5 point 6 seconds.

Regardless whether their DNA is changed.

The point i want to express is that i will allow my children to pick who is in thier lives, I always have with Annabelle. When she wanted her gramma Denise I allowed it even if i declared war and was not on speaking terms with her and made it clear i didnt want her in my life.

Alex is from Planet Timbuktu which had imploded in the 1960s and was from a galaxy next door. They were out to visit an their equipment broke down and they just stayed. So anyone trying to find them and succeeding was allowed to stay. They were turkey shaped. Which caused Thanksgiving to be a world wide holiday before it was an USA One.

Of course Zulululu doesn't want to talk about that as they are unwanted invaders and dont want anyone to know about invasions or even aliens.

So Alex was about two years old and he hasn't matured greatly since then. An LLPD said they all adore Alex, always all "come here give me hugs!" But Brian they stand up straight with respect and love and gratitude. And are all "do you want a hug?"

Brian says no. Usually I will say yes until I have a person to person issue to cause me to say no. Or my back hurts.

Brian will say yes when its been earned. Like trust or some form of respecting quality.

Anyway my point besides all the side stories is my kids will face the same as many of you.

My daughter is 16. Does she keep the past company or does she look to the future with Alex? If she has a choice. And i will make sure she does. And if Alex has a problem then my fist and his face will have a close and frequent relationship.

My twins can make their choice up front. They have that right. Hurt him now or risk being hurt themselves.

Windy says she would like two dads. But Jazzy screams "Noooo!" When Windy says that. So I tell her she can stay home with mommy.

Now if this fucking idiot just thinks hes gonna be all willy nilly about just picking up my kids as he sees fit. Well he's fucking wrong.

I'm talking like 16 grown ass men that know fear and hate standing around with AK47 and M16 and shit. I'm not fucking playing. Hes dumb. Plain and simple.

Like dopey he's all cute and shit and the odd one out. But he's not respectable. And definetly not trust worthy in any adult fashion.

He's just a party boy. Which makes him a good friend to have. But. A parent? No. A husband? No.

Windy is all "fine an uncle then"

Alex is all "wow you make it sound like you want nothing to do with me"

Really? He fucking lies. I really don't to be honest. For why would I want to be friends with a liar that treats me like I'm worthless?

I've had at least two husbands I treated tbat way because to me they were. Like they were worthless but I didn't lie to their face. I embraced their inequality and tried to support and encourage them. And I never took their kids from them. Someone's trash is someone else's treasure.

So Alex wants to continue treating me and our kids like trash. Then bye bye.

He doesn't even see that he does. He thinks hes right. Like I said his maturity is very low. Very Dopey. From Snow White and the Seven Drawves if you haven't caught my drift yet.

But he's creative. Just irresponsible. Careless and clueless.

His feelings are more important. Because he fainted when Annabelle was born he decided to flee. Like she would be crawling out my vagina every day. Can't handle diapers. Fucking weakling.

So she's 16 and in just a few short months she will be 17. And we definitely will not be at that race. But somewhere celebrating her life. Because her birthday falls on a race day.

Whether he wants to do something the week before or not that's up to him, but she's not gonna be at the Races when she can be someplace exotic and un ordinary.

Because im the mom. Im the single mom. And her and i have been a team. He's never WANTED or made an EFFORT to be in her life.

Whether or not i would want him in my life doesnt matter. Because I am UNINPORTANT to him.

It makes me angry. I can't even be sad although my anger is stormed by sadness. For him. And mostly my almost 17 year old daughter.

He's fucking weak. And my daughters all need to know that.

Brian does dumb shit because hes too over protective. 8 tours in Iraq. So yeah he's a bit afraid to cause me daily stress if he's gonna die. So he's stayed out of my life. It didn't work though, I figured it out. But also I didn't worry. And believe me. He got his shit beat from him. I wasn't nice about it. For years. If i got in a bad mood. He heard ALL about it. Straight from me and if he didn't he got scared.

So he got his karma. The difference is he's not afraid or whiny about which formula is best for each twin or if they do or don't want a dirty diaper. Or want to use the potty.

And he's not selfish. Which is why people are all "oh give me hugs little Alex" vs standing up straight and asking with respect if ole boy can do with a hug. Steal a hug from the little selfish boy. Ask from the generous man.

I wasn't intending to rant

But to encourage other people to allow their children to choose their parents.

There's a lot of death happening and sadness and people feel hopeless, so to "rant" and compare people is imperative right now. It IS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT.

Imperative. I relate the word to inoperable and operable. Which means able to operate. Which means work. Imperative means the most important to cause something to work.

So be imperative to your child's companions. Parents are dying.

They need to decide who their replacement is. Gramma. Uncle. Cousin. Stranger.

My 3 girls are no different.

I also had to do the same. I was an orphan and due to amnesia, I'm with who I was "stuck" with. My uncle and a Zulululu I'm aimed to kill.

So Annabelle was stuck with an abusive surrogate Alex picked. Until I got a divorce. The summer after kindergarten, he moved out. Legal divorce didn't come for years because he became abusive about it and so as long as he moved out and left us alone.

For awhile Annabelle wanted to be with her surrogate. So for 2nd grade I gave in and let him for October to March split the week. But she decided she didn't like it

So I had to deal with his whining and crying and bull shit about wanting to see her more

She didn't like him. He was dumb and a Zulululu and selfish. So I stood up to him. It didn't matter to him she didn't want to see him.

Just like I know it won't matter Annabelle will want to see Alex to Alex or his little pathetic friends he finds so important.

But I also know she doesn't give a shit any more. You all think I'm harsh?

Ill be all "this is your biological father he chose Michael to be your dad" she will spit in his face. If I add "because he fainted when I was in labor with you" she would laugh in his face, tell him he's pathetic and ask when we can leave.

It's the truth. I could list all his great qualities and all it will do is hurt her. Because if he's so great, why doesn't he care about her? She would cry.

So fuck that. "Here's him. This is what he did. And why"

Intuition and past experiences takes care of the rest.

I think its extremely important who i am with because of her. But she says "why the fuck would i care?" Uhh duh cause you're still my kid. Her answer is if he's a piece of shit you'll drop him and if not ill fucking move and take care of myself.

And me "well lets get down to it if he's in there raping and molesting you or beating you then you better dam well tell me. Tell me it doesn't fucking matter because it sure as hell does matter your opinion"

"Those are about facts" im told.

Well fucking a relief, we are in this together!

"Well it does matter if you like him because if we go it to eat or to the movie or something"

"Well i will just use him for money"

"Well that's not a high quality of life. Id rather you use someone for money that you actually like and enjoy being with"

"That's not using them for money! That's something different! Idk what its called. What's it called?"

"Allowing someone to be generous and enjoying companionship or company with them. And that's not a bad thing as long as you appreciate it"

"Appreciation! Its called using someone for money but liking it! I mean appreciating it! Am i right?!"

Well yeah, in all technical terms.

"Or allowing someone to be your daddy?"

"How come not mom?!"

"Because im not gay or bi sexual"

"I am already through with dads. Can you be gay or even just a little bi sexual, a little for me please?"

"No"

Same shit since she was 8. Half her life.

And Alex is the one that made sure she would be through with dads. Brian was standing right there. And he picked someone known to be abusive and on drugs and an alcoholic.

So really. If you ask me. Spit is kind. He deserves to be shot in the face.

She won't hold me back. But i can't make her uncomfortable or unhappy because she gives me freedom.

That would break my own heart.

So i encourage others especially those suffering wirh COVID to make your plans.

I have in my WILL actually an 18 year old when I made it to take her. I have a house with the social security she would get from my death it would be enough to split the mortgage and bills. The 18 year old works.

It allows him, its not her soul mate but what I believed to be a blood relative, to get out on his own and be with a young adult that needs to be looked after during her time of need in case of my death.

Make sure food is available, the home is clean, bills are paid, doctor appointments are done and so on. And that life has a bit of fun, on top. And little stress due to him not wanting to be a parent but a friend.

An 18 year old more responsible than her own father or the other he had picked.

For him an affordable safe place to live and for her an adult to be legal guardian so she can be left alone by Denise and Michael. Both aggressive enough to lock the door and not open it when someone on the other side isnt wanted. And kind enough to take time to understand why the other chose to not open the door and support that or at least let it live.

Because that is what my daughter needs. Someone to support that and someone of legal age and capabilities to provide decent living conditions.

And enough in common to enjoy life. And enough respect to allow differences the other may not prefer to do or have.

And so that is what i have set up.

He's not full of infinite wisdom or even all the time patient or unaggrevating. But he's kind enough. And he's not altogether selfish. Self orientated but so is she and so am I.

That's independent with a demand to be cared for and about.

And luckily they mesh well enough.

Alex could have but he chose fear. Not responsibility.

Although he promised he wouldn't. Swore up and down..

His friend Ben that goes by Matt, "she's never going to get pregnant just come on with me"

They left. So i sent a pregnancy test over to where they were. "Oh that's fake" said Ben.

Well i have an almost 17 year old that DNA4U says is Alex's.

But Ben mattered. Not me. Not her.

And certainly not Alex.

While that makes me sad that Alex doesn't even care about himself i know there's nothing i can do about that and i def will not make excuses to him to any of our daughters.

And I would just as soon want to write him off myself.

No point in caring for someone like him. Not any proof of that in my life. Its just a waste of time and energy

So please write a WILL and email it to those that are leaders in your family and who it includes.

Example:

LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT

I want Sam to have my 3 cars.

I want Janice to have my house.

I want Jacklyn to have guardianship of my kids. She can find my life insurance and bank information in my safe. I have provided that information about my safe in a place I will tell my friend Sally.

For my last testaments those will also be located by Sally and given to whom needs to know.

Then i sign my legal name and i email it to Jacklyn, Janice and Sam as well as Sally.

Then Sally comes over and i tell her "look on top the fridge, i taped the envelopes you need down" or "look under my drawer, pull it out and look above youll find the info in case I die"

Jacklyn doesnt need to know all my insurance or bank info now and it might change between now and then. I told my kid, just look in my wallet. She's beneficiary and so she gets all everything. And some banks offer life insurance.

I chose someone my daughter can get along with and won't change her or force her to feel her choices are wrong. Someone whom will accept her and she can accept without changing her lifestyle very much.

So please do do so for your kids and please do ask.

Sure there are more legal ways but this is pretty desperate times and so a judge fully understanding it is your true will and testament and can prove it by your IP address and email address it is valid even in court

Further you can text from your phone number "I've emailed you my last will and testament to [email protected] from my regular email, [email protected] if you're worried about securing that legality

I text my entire WILL then emailed it. So They have two proofs. Then emailed it to myself.

So. The point is to validate the identity of the writer.

Once that is done what is written is the legal will.

Sally also knows where the title of the cars are -- in my safe and Sally is named my executer of my will although I didn't use the formal words that's who she is.

Jacklyn is younger and knows Sally so she will let Sally take the kids and so on. Which I wrote in request in the safe because I don't want to negoatate or questions. Its what I want.

And Sally will give that to Jacklyn in a sealed envelope even Sally didn't look in. "Family plan for Jacklyn" saying EXACTLY how I want my children raised. No spanking. No drugs or drinking under 18. No sleep overs with boys. No disrespect but facts. And to see Sally twice weekly. Plus normal clothing and feeding and shelter. Which Jacklyn has proven capable.

Even more I could just emailed the above and said "Sally has my last will and testament" if i wanted to keep the peace and not hear about how im driving Sam's inheritance wrong according to Sam.

I gave everything to Annabelle which is what her guardian would need to know so I told them both.

Of course the future will change that but...

Even so that's all her life. The twins aren't born yet and didn't have nearly their whole life in that house.

And of course saddling an 18 year old with nearly 17 year old is different than new borns. And by the time it gets to it she will be 18. So. She won't need a guardian...

So. I encourage you all to grasp your future and atrmpt a control of it after your death.

[indianangel01]

A Corona Warrior's Tale of Woe

This is a guest post Day 75 of lockdown: More than 2 months of lockdown have passed by in a haze. On 21st March, our PM declared a nationwide lockdown. The next 10 days resident doctors spent in a limbo wherein we wondered about the upsurge of cases, what measures would be taken to contain them, and when would the public healthcare system be hit. What we didn't anticipate is how badly it would be hit and how fast it would crumble. I'm an exam going resident who got relieved of my duties as a resident on 1st February of this year. I was expected to give my International Council of Ophthalmology examination on 20th April and my M.S. Ophthalmology theory exam on 15th of May. By June end I was supposed to be a free bird. Cut to 1st April, all exam going residents who were neck deep in exam prep were recalled back for duties. Specifically covid duties. All exam leaves were declared cancelled until further notice. ICO flashed status of our exam as postponed to 3 months later. Shit was about to hit the fan. Those of us who were in the same city rejoined immediately, others from different cities and states scrambled to find transport to rejoin as the lockdown was in full swing and all trains and flights and cabs were suspended. We were given circulars saying legal action would be taken against anyone who didnt rejoin work. Our degrees were already at stake. A friend of mine spent 25000 and hired a car to come from Bangalore to Mumbai. There would be no mercy shown to those who couldn't show up. I work at Sion Hospital, one of the busiest in Mumbai. There was buzz that Nair hospital would soon be converted into a COVID designated hospital. Sion was referring positives to Seven Hills, Kasturbha. We were managing the workload quite efficiently. The first danger started when Dharavi got its first COVID positive case. Dharavi, last recorded population of over 8 lakhs, is situated exactly behind Sion Hospital, and its residents form a major chunk of our patient load. When cases started emerging from Dharavi, initially in single digits, then rapidly in double and triple digits, we knew Sion Hospital was about to go under the COVID wave. It was days before the State Government finally accepted that community spread had occurred in Mumbai. Community spread is spread basically which cannot be contact traced, direct contacts are already traced and tested; it's very difficult to contain a disease once community spread occurs. By the time the government declared community spread, Sion hospital was already receiving enough COVID cases that it could no longer refer to any other hospital. We had become a covid and non covid hospital now fighting to strike a work balance. Residents were shunted from departments to work in COVID wards in shifts. The Category A residents of specialties like Chest Medicine, General Medicine, Anesthesia would lead the fight; specialties like Obstetrics and Gynecology, Radiology, ENT and Ophthalmology were to struggle alongside. Ophthalmology as a specialty doesnt equip us to deal with either respiratory distress or cardiac arrest. Systemically unstable patients are encountered by an ophthalmic surgeon as frequently as chilly weather is encountered in Mumbai. Once in a blue moon. I was petrified of what I would even do in such a scenario. I hadn't declared a single death in three years of residency. More precisely, none of my patients had died in three years because systemically unstable patients are always stabilised before we operate on them. Thrust into an unending vortex of community screening, ward duty which was putting angiocatheters, catheterizations, blood collections, vital monitoring, paperwork with alternate managing of department duties- casualties, OPD and OT it started looking like residency would never really be over. Exams or no exams, this was war and everyone had to participate. Everyday we would get some new protocol from the authorities; some change in the period of quarantine we would be offered- which decreased from 7 day work and 7 day quarantine to 5 day work and 2 day quarantine to 9 days of work and 6 days of quarantine to 14 days of work and 9 days of quarantine and so on. Apex institutions disagreed with the Municipal Corporation which disagreed with institutes which disagreed with departments. The result? Residents were testing positive by the dozens. Within a couple of weeks, 61 residents at Sion Hospital had tested positive, some were critical, all were stressed and overburdened. Meanwhile Nair was declared COVID only and referrals of non covid patients to Sion had of course increased substantially. Sion was crumbling under the weight but apparently nobody except residents could see the cracks. One afternoon a video from Sion became viral. It was shot by the relative of one of the COVID positive patients and showed body bags on beds next to living patients. It didnt take long for everyone from civilians to the media to the government to raise questions about how Sion hospital was being managed so badly. They questioned the humanity of the doctors and the delay in transportation of dead bodies. What they didnt question was the reason behind it. They didn't question the lack of goverment investment in public healthcare since decades. They didn't question why noone bothered to rectify this when shortage of beds and manpower has been an issue way before this pandemic. And they definitely didn't question whether the government had let doctors down by sending them to battle ill equipped and underprepared. Residents were being made to work inhumane hours but noone had the energy to really speak against it because things were getting worse by the day. We lay in wait for the new resident batch to join so that we could get some respite. New circulars kept popping every day - "Residents will receive COVID work benefits of rupees 300 per say", "residents will receive a pay hike". Meanwhile our salaries were credited late, with a 10% tax cut, no COVID benefit and definitely no stipend hike. A stay order on the state merit list of new incoming resident batch was finally lifted a week ago, which gave us some hope. Hope that was immediately squashed by the administration which issued a circular saying no matter when the new residents joined, we would not be relieved of our duties till 31st July at the earliest. No word about our exams or if we would get a preparatory leave period. Meanwhile residents were thrust to the forefront while everyone else cowered conveniently behind us. We were being called "corona warriors" but we felt nothing more than a scapegoat. There is no glory in working a PPE suit so impervious your sweat forms puddles around your feet or taking swabs going from house to house in 40 degrees in a PPE suit. I wont even get into how worried our families were during this ordeal. My mother lives in Nagpur and with every phone call she was becoming increasingly worried and upset and I was becoming increasingly quiet. She asked me to leave everything and just come home. Nothing is more important than staying healthy, she said. Of course, I didn't listen to her. Though none of us had signed up for this, this was a price we would all have to pay, whether we liked it or not. What was awful to watch was not the fact that we all were being coerced into work, but the fact that not only were the people of Mumbai doing nothing to abide by the lockdown, but our administration wasn't supporting us with a well formulated protocol either. There was complete chaos in the way the pandemic was managed, right from availability of PPE and masks, to overlapping duty schedules, lack of facilities to isolate positive asymptomatic resident doctors and symptomatic ones, lack of facilities to keep asymptomatic positive patients and lack of tests. The government was refusing to let us test anyone asymptomatic, even those who had known contact with someone who had turned positive. Because of this, asymptomatic carriers were running rampant, and there was no way to identify who would be positive next until a 60+ person landed in respiratory distress in the emergency services. Instead of focusing on things like getting adequate PPE for residents, making sure they got salaries and other covid benefits for their services, their food needs were taken care of; airplanes were busy showering petals from the sky. Policeman had by this time given up on checking ID cards. Essential and non essential people were out on the streets. We were getting the usual trauma like assault when everyone was supposed to be maintaining social distancing and staying indoors. Some routine complaints like watering of eyes and refractive error were resurfacing. Clearly the pandemic seriousness had not permeated to all sections of the society, and even if it had, not even was being done to mitigate it. Amidst the chaos, the fear and frequent blasts of depressing bulletins, residents were waging a war against the virus that had left life as they knew it in shreds. Managing to treat patients to the best of their abilities, bringing smiles to cured patients, delivering babies, operating tumors and saving lives. All while praying they wouldn't contract the illness, praying they would be able to survive this pandemic with only emotional scars and nothing more. Now here we are, still exam going, still very much working, still frustrated, overburdened and exhausted. With no end of the pandemic in sight (the peak is yet to come) and monsoon around the corner, which itself brings a tidal wave of dengue, malaria and leptospirosis and no manpower nor hospital facilities to deal with the upcoming doom. Read the full article