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cards-onthetable · 5 years

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A long time coming

Both this episode, and this Discussion about it.

We’ve all been on the internet these last several weeks. We’ve all seen the excessive amounts of promotion for this wedding. We’ve all had to spend half our lives staring at the weird white appliqué on Eddie’s dress that looks like something your mom would have ironed on your Girl Scouts uniform when you were 7. I dreaded the fuck out of this episode y’all. I was so sure it was going to be terrible.

SO WAS IT? 👀 let’s play bingo!

Here’s your warning that this is long af. I do not apologize.

Erin and Eddie and the Lying Liar

The episode opens in Erin’s office/conference room with Erin wearing an area rug tied around her neck with a bow. Why isn’t “Erin wears a ridiculous rug with a giant neck bow” on the bingo card?

Erin’s glasses on/off as a tic of Concern count: 36

EDDIE’S IN ERIN’S OFFICE. EVERYTHING IS GROSS. LET’S BEGIN.

Erin takes a fairly accusatory tone with Eddie from the beginning.

Eddie gets OfFeNdEd all “you’re taking the word of a complete stranger over mine?”

GOD WRITERS, can you PLEASE write Eddie as a capable, intelligent professional for once in your lives? Real Eddie/Cop Eddie/Normal Person Eddie wouldn’t play the ~personal relationship~ card like that. I mean sure, Danny and Jamie do that shit all the time, and that’s dumb af too. But the way Eddie does it feels less like a family member asking for a Favor and more like a naive scared little girl expecting Special Treatment. Ew.

“I onLy HaVe oNe SiDe: ThE TrUtH” 🙄

Erin saying the witness was “very convincing” is gross. Everything about this scene is grossss gross gross

So apparently, Erin didn’t know/realize during the initial witness interview that Eddie was the officer in question. I wonder how that conversation (with Eddie) would’ve gone if any other cop walked into her office. Like the whole thing felt so unprofessional on both sides, but especially Erin. Wouldn’t she give any other cop the benefit of the doubt? Question them, sure, but not go into the conversation like she assumes they’re lying. Witnesses change their stories all the time. Ugh this whole storyline is gross

Not to mention why is this happening in EDDIE’S WEDDING EPISODE?! Look I don’t need Eddie’s entire life this week to be dedicated to wedding shit. But ew @ a Work Conflict with a future in-law 9 minutes before her damn wedding.

JAMIE AND EDDIE ARE SITTING ON THE FLOOR AT JAMIE’S COFFEE TABLE for the second week in a row. Nice.

THE LIGHTING IS TERRIBLE ON JAMIE REAGAN’S FACE. Mark it.

Jamie is such a dumbass. “I understand you’re upset, I’m just clarifying she didn’t ACTUALLY call you a liar...” shut up lawyer boy, hasn’t anyone taught you that those technicalities are NOT the way to go?

“I don’t think there’s any upside to splitting hairs about this.” WHO’S SPLITTING HAIRS, MR. CLARIFICATION?

“THIS IS GREAT, WE’RE ABOUT TO GET MARRIED AND I’M JUST NOW FINDING OUT YOU’VE GOT A PROBLEM WITH MY SISTER.” I think this is about where @ontherockswithsalt and I literally keeled over laughing. Mark it.

On the one hand I get what Eddie’s saying about Erin being every woman’s basic nightmare. On the other hand Old Eddie was a boss ass bitch who never would’ve been intimidated/shaken/irritated by the conversation in Erin’s office.

What the fuck is this sweater situation? Eddie it looks like you took some scissors to it and the result was tragic.

Smooth move Jamie. Lol I’m sure most people loved that line “as far as I’m concerned you just described yourself” but 😂😂😂 @ everything.

Jamie and Erin on the courthouse steps. This should be good (read: gross someone get me a puke bucket)

Lol @ this running theme that Frank is nervous af about giving a toast/speech at the damn rehearsal dinner.

Why is Jamie bringing this Eddie thing up to Erin? Eddie vented to him - he’s her fiancé, it’s his sister they’re talking about, of course she’s going to Discuss it with him. But would it ever occur to him that maybe he should just listen and ~support her~ and he doesn’t need to go off and try to Solve Her Problems? 🙄

MAYBE SHE SHOULD FIND A SOFTER LINE OF WORK? Oh fuck me how is that called for, Erin? Eddie’s been a successful cop for years now. She only started having Trouble with her confidence and competence when your idiot dumbass brother fucked her up at a golf course on a Sunday morning.

DON’T BRING ME INTO YOUR FIANCEE’S DRAMAS.... oh my god Erin you started it so like step off.

I LIKE HER JUST FINE. Aren’t the Reagans all about Candor and Honesty? Shouldn’t Erin be having this conversation with Eddie herself if she apparently feels so strongly about it? Dude I’m so mad this is happening in the wedding episode. Or at all.

AND I’LL LIKE HER A HELL OF A LOT MORE WHEN SHE STARTS FIGHTING HER OWN BATTLES ?????? Eddie didn’t ask Jamie to ~fight this battle~ for her and everything is grosssss gross gross.

JAMIE SLEPT ON THE COUCH LAST NIGHT. AYE SOMEONE’S IN THE DOGHOUSE. Also this is about the closest thing we’ve gotten to Actual Confirmation that Jamko lives together/has spent the night together. I’m still convinced he’s never gotten her off in his life though.

Jamie has framed pics of his mom (his Harvard graduation) and Joe on his table. Does he have any pictures of Eddie framed anywhere? 👀🤔

“YoU’Re sTiLL PiSsEd” the Harvard graduate, y’all.

Side note: Jamie’s wearing sweatpants but THE LIGHTING IS TERRIBLE AND THE SWEATPANTS AND SHIRT ARE BOTH DARK COLORED. NO CONTRAST. NOTHING VISIBLE. 0/10 TOTAL WASTE.

Completely on Eddie’s side on this one. Idk about the whole making-Jamie-sleep-on-the-couch thing, but I’d be pissed af too if my fiancé took a private conversation between us as an invitation to go off and ~fight my battles~ without permission and/or without being explicitly asked to do so.

He might be closer to his family than most people are. But Eddie’s about to be his wife (ugh don’t remind me) and she needs to come first now. It’s not his job or his place to take her issues to his family members like that.

“It’s my job to look after you” GOD EW GROSS JAMIE REAGAN. That may be ~true~ but it’s not your job to make decisions for Eddie or treat her like someone who needs to be ~looked after~. It’s your job to treat her as your equal and consult her on (basically everything but especially) matters that directly affect her. It’s your mutual job to look after each other. Just don’t re: this weird paternalistic bullshit mmkay?

There are vegetables all over Jamie’s kitchen. Carrots in one shot, celery and onions and shit in another. RUN, EDDIE. RUN FROM THIS FUTURE OF RABBIT FOOD AND MISERY.

OH MY GOD LOL 4EVER. EDDIE’S IN HER PORSCHE (welcome back bro! Where’ve you been all these years? No, really... where’ve you been?) and she has BINOCULARS like that’s a normal and reasonable thing to do in New York City on a Thursday afternoon.

Anthony’s here? It’s a party!

WITH SNACKS! ANTHONY’S EATING! Mark it.

It’s 4 minutes before her wedding and Eddie’s all “I didn’t know Reagans were Like That!” Oh my god where’s the bingo square for me sinking into ontherockswithsalt’s super soft new couch and dying in misery forever? Mark it.

A SPEECH ABOUT WHAT IT MEANS TO BE A REAGAN? Mark it.

ANTHONY BEING THE ONE TO DELIVER SAID SPEECH? Shocking. Unexpected. Creative. Why is he so important that he gets this job in this episode by the way?

“Open your eyes a little. Know what you’re getting yourself into.”

WHY IS THIS A LINE THAT ANYBODY IS SAYING TO HER 26 SECONDS BEFORE SHE WALKS DOWN THE AISLE? OH MY GOD EVERYTHING WITH THIS RELATIONSHIP IS SO WRONG IT’S UNBELIEVABLE. HOW CAN ANYONE LEGITIMATELY THINK IT’S A GOOD IDEA FOR THEM TO GET MARRIED?!

Oh imagine that, the dummy lied. Eddie didn’t. Who’s surprised?!

Eddie’s back in Erin’s office. She’s wearing a mustard yellow sweater from Kohl’s (I know because I have the same one yo) and a.... prairie skirt? Interesting choice.

“It turns out I owe you an apology..” A REAGAN? APOLOGIZING? OMG

Aaaaand Eddie’s cutting her off. Fucking typical.

EDDIE’S WHOLE THING HERE IS BULLSHIT.

A few scenes ago she (rightfully, more or less) complained that Erin accused her of lying, now she’s all “oh, not really”

She’s bringing Jamie into it, saying she wouldn’t have whined to him if she didn’t secretly want him to go solve her problems for her. UM WHAT? They’re saying she wouldn’t have a conversation with her fiancé just for the sake of the conversation - there has to be a Goal? Dude I just can’t. This is the icing on the cake of Eddie’s shitty writing all damn season.

Humans are allowed to talk about - even COMPLAIN ABOUT - these things to their significant others. They should be able to do so without fear of outside repercussion or concern that their partner will go off and try to Fix Things in an unwarranted way. But if Eddie only brings her Family Problems to Jamie with the secret agenda that he’ll fix them for her, that’s gross and a huge red flag and blah blah blah. RUN EDDIE WHY ARE YOU MARRYING HIM.

Also gross in general @ Eddie apologizing. Eddie shouldn’t have ~taken things personally~ (but Old Eddie wouldn’t have - this is New Eddie and I don’t blame her for her puppetmaster’s bullshit) but Erin is the one really at fault here.

Minute 51 of a one hour episode meant to feature Eddie’s wedding, and she’s just now wrapping up this ridiculous Conflict with her fiancé’s sister. Sweet. ThE BeSt iS YeT tO CoMe

Danny and Baez

SOMEBODY DIES? Mark it.

BAEZ IS TOO GOOD FOR THIS TRASHCAN SHOW? Mark it. Baez pretending to be Erin is hilarious.

Fuck me I’m only 11 minutes into this thing so far.

Baez pretending to be Erin messing with her glasses is GENIUS HOW DID I MISS THAT THE FIRST TIME I WATCHED. 😂😂😍😍

Can we please get a guest actor on this show who can actually produce tears when they’re supposed to be crying? All this dry eye blubbering is gross. They could get better actors from any high school drama department.

“We’re SoULmAtEs” this girl is like that over-attached girlfriend meme omg.

Baez is the best person left on this ridiculous show. Her thing with the palm print security doors? Genius.

Side note: HOW’S THIS DUMB CONTRAST where Erin is on one set repeating over and over that Eddie is Just A Cop when she’s in Erin’s office. Meanwhile Danny’s over here acting like his sister is the only lawyer in all of New York who can get him the warrants/subpoenas he needs for his investigation. 🤔

They’re arresting her. I don’t care about this storyline anymore but I feel like I should mark the time.

We’re in Erin’s office and like.... did Erin forget to put clothes on today or something? What?

WE DON’T GET SHIRTLESS JAMIE FOR THE LAST 39 YEARS, BUT WE GET TO SEE ERIN’S ENTIRE BARE THIGH? WHERE DO I SUBMIT MY COMPLAINT @ THIS BULLSHITTERY

Now Danny suddenly can’t remember how to talk to express his concerns. What is it about Erin’s office that makes all these ~professionals~ turn into blubbery babies who need their mommy to order their happy meal so they don’t have to talk to the cashier themselves?

Another unbelievably clear surveillance video to just clean this messy case right up. How convenient. I’m bored.

The Best Friends Club

Garrett and Sid walking down the hall, arguing the difference between piece and peace. Bros, it’s “object to this marriage or forever hold your peace” which, can I just raise my hand here and say this better be some damn good foreshadowing

Garrett and Sid are rude af marching in (interrupting) while Frank and Baker are in the middle of a conversation, and can I say there’s no Good Way this whole thing could have started?

It’s gross for the boys to get all huffy @ the female member of their team having a discussion with Frank, but if it were one of the boys in there, it would be gross for Baker to get all offended and interrupty and seen as Rude and Irrational or whatever. Can we all just act like adults here? Thx.

Now we’re in Garrett’s office and Baker is going to Explain? Oh boy this’ll be terrible.

They’re pulling rank?! I’m a lieutenant, you’re a detective, you’re a civilian. Actually I’m Commissioner Moore.

Listen dudes, I’m sure your dicks are both huge. Shut the fuck up.

Why are Sid and Garrett throwing a fit like this at all? Frank asked to see the presentation and Baker showed it to him. God this is such a dumb contrived conflict why are we here?

“You know what? I don’t think this has anything to do with chain of command. I think this is bruised egos and stepped-on toes.” SAY IT BAKER. Call these clowns on their bullshit.

I need a margarita. @ontherockswithsalt please.

Garrett is in Frank’s office now, with a weird ass smile on his face as he says “it’s TIME for a VICTORY LAP!” Wtf.

“So you’re saying I have to get Gormley and Baker’s sign off before I can set this in motion?” How’s that for ChAiN oF CoMmAnD, Mr. Biggest Dick In The PC’s Office?

And now Garrett’s leaving through the conference room so he doesn’t have to walk past Baker. These dummies are literally so childish it’s ridiculous.

Now the BFFs club is in front of Frank for a Stern Talking To. Oh my god it’s like a parent dealing with a bunch of 6-year-olds. Remember when this show was actually good?

They’re all going to switch jobs for a day. Frank made a diagram. Clearly put lots of thought into it. A+.

Garrett’s complaining that it’s a lot to ask. A lot to ask that these dummies act like professional adults? Agreed.

Gormley doesn’t know what the word “quote” means and/or is not familiar with the New.York.Times. Garrett doesn’t know how to answer phones or log into a computer but he does a damn good Gormley impression, apparently. Baker doesn’t know how to read investigative files? Omg are we all learning something today, kiddos?!

Jamie and Frank have a Heart To Heart.

Oh boy, the Best Friends are together again.

“Our behavior this week, it was embarrassing.” YOU THINK?

The BFFs just had a more emotional, moving Heart To Heart than Jamie and Eddie have had in their lives, so that’s chill.

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

Jamie and Frank have a Heart To Heart

Jamie’s In Frank’s office after a quick chat with Disgruntled Garrett.

Frank’s joke is ridiculous.

JAMIE’S WEARING KHAKIS. Mark it.

“I have never seen you so unwaveringly certain about what you want.” Well unwavering is right. Jamie’s facial expression hasn’t changed since 2017.

Did Frank just compare Jamie’s feelings towards Eddie to his feelings about the Chevelle? Nice, that’s totally reasonable and not at all gross. Just kidding, it’s gross.

“She doesn’t want to lose herself.”

“Well that makes sense.”

“It does?!”

Omg seriously? Fucking seriously. There’s too much to even delve into here like I could write a whole damn essay about this exchange. But Jamie. For real. It surprises you that Eddie doesn’t want to throw herself headfirst into Being A Reagan? It surprises you that she wants to keep her own identity within your marriage? It surprises you that she doesn’t plan to melt herself into your back pocket and hang out there like a fun toy who parrots back all your opinions and dedicates herself to The Reagan Name above all else? Oh. My god. EDDIE RUN.

Well her brother’s dead....

Eddie has a brother? Oh that’s some nice cool chill information to drop on us randomly 6 years later.

I have Thoughts (maybe he committed suicide or accidentally OD’d back when shit hit the fan with Armin?) but I hate how this is a random throwaway line with such important implications. Have they ever truly talked about Eddie’s dead brother? Does Eddie feel minimized in her grief because her brother didn’t Die A Hero like Joe? EDDIE RUN.

“Don’t make her do all the work adjusting to us. Find ways for us to adjust to her” this is excellent and important advice, truly. Would’ve been nice to have this conversation, idk, 9 months ago?

THE MOMENT WE’VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR

FIRST: THE REHEARSAL DINNER.

Lena’s saying some shit. Cool. Y’all by this point I’m so exhausted @ everything in this shitshow episode, I don’t even care.

“Edit and myself - who have both suffered from my husband’s glaring insufficiency...” oh my god Lena way to read the room.

“THANK YOU FOR LOVING MY DAUGHTER AS MUCH AS I DO.” LOL NEITHER ONE OF THEM SEEMS TO LOVE HER THAT MUCH THOUGH. RUN FOR THE HILLLLLSSSSS EDDIE.

TO JAMM-KO. Oh, my, god, why are we here.

This is some really ridiculous pandering to the fans y’all. Like over the top gross. This show is a just whole ass joke at this point.

But actually LOL @ Erin scolding Danny for telling Sean “would you learn something, numbnuts?”

FRANK’S SPEECH

UGLY FLOOR LAMPS. TWO OF THEM. Mark it. Twice.

Where’s the joke Frank?

“She’s doing the bravest thing I’ve ever seen a cop do... she’s marrying Jamie... and walking down the aisle bY HeRsELf.” 🙄🙄🙄🙄

Can we not commoditize that choice? It shouldn’t need to be a Big Deal.

Eddie is Her Own Woman

And a Lifeforce

But y’all

Lifeforce is a disgusting euphemism for semen, in case you’re unfamiliar with certain Top Quality Fanfics we have available to us in this fandom

So I’m caught somewhere between dying laughing and like, crying forever

Seeing her in action as Jamie’s Life partner

And hopefully as a mother! EW! GROSS! THIS IS NOT THE TIME OR PLACE TO EXPRESS YOUR WISHES FOR SOME NEW GRANDKIDS, FRANCES

That’s a thing that will never not gross me out. Public (or even uninvited private, tbh) expressions of Opinion about someone else’s family planning choices

Y’all this is Eddie’s future father in law telling her “I hope you go have lots of unprotected sex with my son, and potentially shelve your own career goals temporarily or permanently, and go through lots of painful unfortunate Body Changes, because here’s my public request for some more grandkids”

Let it be known if my future in-laws said that at my rehearsal dinner, they’d have a real actual Hurricane to deal with so

MOVING ON THOUGH, UGH. TIME FOR THIS WEDDING.

“SuRe YoU wAnT To gO ThRoUgH wiTh tHiS?!” One, gross, not a funny joke. Two, CAN SOMEONE ASK THAT TO EDDIE A FEW TIMES BECAUSE

“In over two thousand weddings, I’ve only lost three to divorce...” 👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀

LOL @ all the waving from the altar to the poor dishonored Reagans who have to sit in the pews like some kind of peasants. Is this my first grader’s spring fling school concert?

Side note: does Eddie have any bridesmaids? No? So she’ll just be up there by herself looking like she’s marrying 4 Reagan men? Nice.

I mean if they pulled some throwaway bridesmaids out of their asses I’d be mad, and if Erin and Nicky were her bridesmaids I’d be mad, so really this is a no-win situation here but still, gross.

Oh hey, we’ve solved the mystery of the missing Frank.

Eddie’s had nightmares about tripping while walking down the aisle. That’s her compelling argument for asking Frank to escort her?

WHICH BY THE WAY I AM SO MAD ABOUT. THIS FUCKING REAGAN AFFAIR SHOW. DIDN’T HE JUST TALK ABOUT HOW THE REAGANS NEED TO JOIN EDDIE’S WORLD TOO, NOT JUST SUCK HER INTO THEIRS? OR SOMETHING. I’M IRRITATED.

Here comes the bride. On the organ! Appropriate, to go with the Reagan men’s 1836 morning suit choice. LOL IT’S ALL SO GROSS I CAN’T EVEN DEAL.

Here we go, she’s walking in. We see Jamie’s face. He looks... bored?

Lena crying.

Erin and Nicky looking all happy.

Eddie again. She keeps looking up at Frank and it’s distracting af. Has she looked down the aisle to see her groom even once?

Henry looks 100000 million times more excited than Jamie to be here.

Oh, a nice long shot of Jamie’s weird chin and stoic face. That’s certainly the look of a man who’s about to marry the love of his life.

The LOOK OF LOVE

FADE TO BLACK

AMAZING. I COULD NOT HAVE SCRIPTED IT BETTER MYSELF. OMG BEST TV WEDDING EVER. THANK YOU, BLUE BLOODS, FOR DOING ONE THING RIGHT FOR ONCE AND PUTTING ME OUT OF MY MISERY.

12/10. Beautiful. Moving. Ridiculous. I’m so impressed and in awe. Such a great episode.

WhO’S ReAdY fOr SeAsOn TeN?! See you in September folks.

#sandy hates it all #blue bloods #9x22 something blue #best tv wedding episode of all time!!!!!#😍😍😍😍😍😍😍

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aartisticimpressionscmr · 6 years

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aion-rsa · 7 years

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I Can’t Believe It’s Not Deadpool: The 15 Best Non-Deadpool Deadpools

Who would have guessed that this character, who is basically an amalgam of preexisting heroes, would become such a cultural phenomenon? Then again, there is no denying that his voice is a unique take on the cape and cowl genre. Regardless of how you see it, the gutter-mouthed, juvenile anti-hero known as Deadpool is the king of the world right now. Or is that… multiple worlds?

RELATED: 15 Darkest Versions of Superman

With Marvel’s multiverse acting as an infinite… pool… of alternate Wade Wilsons, there’s plenty of the Merc with a Mouth to go around; almost too much, in fact. Thats why we’ve decided to put together a list of our 15 favorite alternate universe versions of the Regeneratin’ Degenerate. Because, as the movies and the comics have shown, one universe just can’t seem to contain all that is Deadpool.

FUTURE HORSEMEN DEADPOOL

Not to be confused with Deadpool, Horseman of Apocalypse, who appeared in “Cable & Deadpool” #46 (2007), the Deadpool we’re talking about here debuted in “Extraordinary X-Men” #8 (2016) as one of Apocalypse’s Horsemen. Presumably, he became “Death” in Apocalypse’s equation more than a thousand years in the future. This issue was part of the “Apocalypse Wars” crossover, which followed Colossus and a group of Jean Grey School students as they were accidentally transported into the future. Colossus is separated from the youngsters when they run into The Horsemen. When they finally meet up with Piotr again, he has somehow become Apocalypse’s new Horseman, War.

The initial line-up of this version of the Horsemen included Moon Knight, Venom, Man-Thing and Deadpool. During the second battle between the X-Men and these future Horsemen, it is revealed that Deadpool’s mouth has been sewn shut (an homage to “X-Men Origins: Wolverine,” perhaps?). When Iceman makes a joke about it, Pool cuts open the stitching and breathes out a swarm of winged insects.

GWENPOOL

Visually, Deadpool is basically Spider-Man if you turned up the contrast and lost the webbing, a fact that isn’t lost on anybody. It has been played up again and again in everything from Deadpool covers homaging classic Spider-Man covers, to the popular comic series starring the two as a duo. Spider-Gwen, on the other hand, is Spider-Man, just from a parallel universe. On Earth-65, Gwen Stacy became Spider-Woman while Peter Parker died tragically. This character was initially introduced as part of the Marvel’s huge “Spider-Verse” crossover event, but was so popular, she got her own series by Jason Latour and Robbi Rodriguez.

Here’s where is gets interesting: in 2015, Spider-Gwen’s popularity warranted having Gwen Stacy variants of all 20 titles that dropped in June of that year, one of which struck a chord with fans: the Gwen variant of “Deadpool’s Secret Secret Wars” #2. This gender swap of the Merc with a Mouth sports his familiar costume but in a pink/white color scheme, a look that was immediately adopted by the cosplay and fanart communities, and this momentum granted her a backstory in the 616, and even her own series in 2016 by writer Christopher Hastings and a rotating who’s-who of artists.

DEAPOOL THE DUCK

This brand spanking new character currently stars in his own miniseries written by Stuart Moore with art by Jacopo Camagni, the first issue of which hit newsstands in January 2017. He is not to be confused, however, with the Deadpool the Duck who debuted (and then died) in the “Deadpool Kills Deadpool” (2013) miniseries, this Deadpool the Duck is a literal mash-up of Deadpool and Howard the Duck.

The story goes that Deadpool is hired by S.H.I.E.L.D. to capture a “high profile E.T. rampaging across the High Plains.” When he tracks the target down, it’s Rocket Raccoon and he has contracted space rabies. Rocket has also crash-landed his ship into Howard the Duck’s car by complete coincidence. A battle ensues, and when Rocket bites into Pool’s teleporter, Howard and Pool are somehow merged because of their close proximity. He may have just been introduced but the Merc With A Bill is already one of the most noteworthy Deadpools ever!

NEW BROTHERHOOD DEADPOOL

In Brian Michael Bendis’ “All-New X-Men” run, he not only brought Professor X’s original students to the current 616 continuity, he also gave us a look at the future that would now occur due to the original X-Men being time-displaced. In “X-Men: Battle of the Atom” #1, we were introduced to a team claiming to be X-Men from the future, who brought a warning that if the past X-Men did not go back to their time, it would lead to the end of the mutant species.

This team was made up of Xavier II, a female Xorn, an all grown up Molly Hayes, a more beastly Beast, Ice Hulk, Katherine Pryde and Deadpool. However, it turns out they are actually the New Brotherhood, but that is not their only deception. Pryde is actually the shape-shifting son of Mystique and Professor X, Raze, and Xorn is past Jean Grey. On top of that, Xavier II is mind-controlling all the members, sans his half-brother. This version of Deadpool appears without a mask, yet has the black eye-markings from his mask now on his face.

CANADAMAN

The year 2009 saw Marvel release the mammoth 104-page special “Deadpool” #900, followed in 2010 by the also over-sized “Deadpool” #1000. Neither were anywhere close to the official “Deadpool” issue count, but that was the whole point. This was a jab at DC’s practice of relaunching titles, but also keeping a running issue count so they can tout their milestones.

These two issues each featured a number of fun short stories by various creative teams that celebrated the Regeneratin’ Degenerate. Of the many versions of Deadpool in these stories, Canadaman was our favorite. A company in Toronto going by Canadacorp wanted to sponsor a Canadian super group with a big name hero heading it up as Canadaman. They pitch Deadpool, but he isn’t interested in the slightest… until he sees the pay check, that is. The rest of the team includes Moositaur, Beaver, Puck-Man and Ms. Puck-Man. Their transport is a red, Maple leaf-shaped jet. Pool quits on their first mission upon being told Wolverine and Northstar were offered the Canadaman position first, but turned it down.

DEAD MAN WADE

This Warren Ellis and Ken Lashley spin on Deadpool first reared his ugly head in their “X-Calibre” (1995) miniseries. This was part of the “Age of Apocalypse” storyline, and like many AoA versions of fan-favorite characters, Dead Man Wade was a darker take on the Merc with a Mouth. Instead of the side-splitting (literally and figuratively), fourth wall-breaking prankster of the 616 Universe, the AoA Wade was despondent and clearly brain-damaged. At one point, Apocalypse mentions that Wade was part of a eugenics program that deeply traumatized him.

In this alternate future, Apocalypse did not only have his staple Four Horsemen, he also had armies of Infinites, the Madri cult, the Brotherhood of Chaos and his assassins, the Pale Riders. Dead Man Wade was one of three Pale Riders, with Danielle Moonstar and Damask rounding out the crew. Both ladies seemed to hate Wade and each other, and they all took great pleasure in either torturing or killing.

ULTIMATE DEADPOOL

In 2011, Brian Michael Bendis and Mark Bagley introduced Wadey Wilson in “Ultimate Spider-Man” #91, which was the first part of a four-part story aptly titled “Deadpool.” In the Ultimate Universe (Earth-1610), though, Deadpool seems to be an amalgamation of Wade Wilson and Donald Pierce. He has a costume and arsenal very similar to Deadpool, but instead of Wade’s familiar scarring under the mask, this Pool is a cyborg who has had his nose, the skin on his face and part of his skull removed, and covered in a hard transparent casing. He is the leader of a squad of soldiers with cybernetic enhancements known as The Reavers, just like Pierce of Earth-616.

Wadey’s anti-mutie rhetoric is very Pierce as well. However, these Reavers are the stars of a reality TV show produced by Mojo where they hunt down mutants. If that sounds familiar, it’s because Mojo does pretty much the same thing in regular continuity. In the “Ultimate Spider-Man” animated series, there was an episode in Season 2 dedicated to Deadpool. While it was titled “Ultimate Deadpool,” the appearance and portrayal of the character seemed to be that of regular ol’ 616 Deadpool.

DEATHSTROKE OF THE ANTIMATTER UNIVERSE

There is no denying that Deathstroke The Terminator, who was introduced in 1980, influenced the creation of Deadpool, introduced in 1991. In fact, his co-creator, Fabian Nicieza, openly acknowledges the similarities. Their names are Slade Wilson and Wade Wilson, and both underwent secret experimentation to make them the ultimate mercenary. Plus, there may be a color difference, but Pool’s costume bares a striking resemblance to The Terminator’s.

Writer Joe Kelly played on this “creative borrowing” when he wrote “Superman/Batman Annual” #1 (2006) and gave us the Antimatter Universe version of Deathstroke. The Antimatter Universe is the reverse of our own (eg: good is bad), and this Deathstroke is an exact replica of Deadpool, but in blue and orange. He has a katana, a healing factor and manic dialogue that might as well have been pulled right out of Pool’s speech bubbles. In his single comic appearance, he is contracted by Mister Mxyzptlk to protect Owlman.

EVIL DEADPOOL

Evil Deadpool may be an “on the nose,” almost silly name, but he is a great concept. During his lengthy four-year run on “Deadpool” (2008-2012), Daniel Way sent Pool to the loony bin in jolly ol’ England at one point. Then he revealed that one of the psychiatrists, Dr. Ella Whitby, was obsessed with Wade and broke him out, ala Harley Quinn and The Joker. Well, maybe she is a tad more twisted than Harley, as we find out she collected and froze the pieces of Wade that were chopped and shot off over the years. The bits of flesh and body parts even all have different costumes!

When Wade discovers her selection of choice Deadpool cuts, he pukes… then proceeds to track her down. Later, he circles back to her apartment to dispose of his scraps in a dumpster. Problem is, even Pool’s pieces have his healing factor, and once combined, they regenerate into a whole new Pool… Evil Deadpool! Other than his patchwork look, Evil Deadpool’s most defining feature is that he has two right arms, and is really damn evil.

AGENT X

The original run of “Deadpool” ended with #69 in 2002… sort of. It was replaced by the “Agent X” series, which started with the same creative team as the last arc of “Deadpool” (Gail Simone, Alvin Lee and Udon Studios), and continued where the prior ongoing had left off. It was a big mystery who Agent X was, as he arrived on the scene with amnesia. He had Deadpool’s healing factor, most of his skill set and bits of his personality, but at the same time, he had refined tastes that were very un-Deadpool. X also had scarring all over his body, but not nearly as severe as Deadpool’s.

In “Agent X” #14 (2003), it was revealed that powerful telepathic assassin Black Swan had swapped parts of his, Deadpool’s and Agent X’s minds, as well as their powers, when an explosion threatened to kill all three. Agent X was actually a Japanese merc named Nijo but he had gained the abilities and personalites of Swan and Wade.

LADY DEADPOOL & THE DEADPOOL CORPS

The Deadpool Corps is full of awesome parallel universe Pools, and we would feature them all if this was a “50 Best” list. We will at least mention the initial line-up, which consisted of Deadpool, Lady Deadpool, Headpool, Dogpool and Kidpool (not to be confused with Kid Deadpool or Deadpool Kid). The Corps was also brought together by one of the Elders of the Universe, The Contemplator, to combat a cosmic threat known as The Awareness. The Corps later bolstered its ranks to stop the killing spree of the Evil Deadpool Corps. Some of the hilarious recruits included Veapon X, Motorpool, Grootpool, Chibipool and the ferocious Pandapool.

However, our focus here is sometimes leader of the Corps, Lady Deadpool, aka Wanda Wilson of Earth-3010. She first appeared in “Deadpool: Merc with a Mouth” #7 and was created by Victor Gischler and Deadpool’s co-daddy, Rob Liefeld. On her Earth, she had joined a group of rebels fighting a fascist government led by Captain America. She defeated Rogers in their first showdown, as well as their rematch… although she did have help from Deadpool and Headpool in both instances.

MASACRE

Put simply, Masacre is the low budget, Mexican Deadpool. He is a former Catholic priest who, after hearing Deadpool’s confession, decided he needed to take a more pro-active role in making the world a better place. Masacre’s first appearance was in “Deadpool” #3.1 (2015), which was an issue focusing on this violent vigilante’s exploits. Donning a badly stitched together imitation of Deadpool’s costume, he goes about cleaning up Mexico. Masacre uses machetes instead of katanas and a good ol’ fashioned shotgun rather than Deadpool’s fancy selection of automatic firearms. He also has a pet jaguar named Justicia that has her own Deadpool-inspired costume.

Masacre’s ultimate goal was to team up with his hero, Deadpool, and after eliminating one of Mexico’s major crime bosses, he set off to do just that. Traveling by motorbike with Justicia in the sidecar, he headed to the U.S. Upon arrival, he quickly joined up with Deadpool’s newly formed Mercs For Money organization in “Deadpool” #5 (2016).

WATARI

Acclaimed writer Peter Milligan wrote an under-appreciated five-issue miniseries in 2011 called “5 Ronin.” Each issue told the story of a different Marvel hero, but in the context of 17th Century Japan. The series came out for five weeks consecutively, starting with Wolverine, followed by Hulk, Punisher, Psylocke and finally Deadpool.

This realm’s Deadpool is named Watari and like all the stories in this series, his is about revenge. He was once the most dangerous samurai in the land, but was betrayed by his friend in the heat of battle and left for dead. When he dug his way out of a pile of dead bodies, he had lost his humanity, but was intent on retribution. His friend had gone on to become a ruthless Daimyo, who had also wronged Butterfly (Psylocke), Monk (Hulk), The Ronin Who Cannot Die (Wolvie) and Punisher. However, out of the five, it is Watari who manages to get his vengeance.

ZOMBIE DEADPOOL (HEADPOOL)

If a character has been around for long enough and a number of writers have put their stamp on his/her history and personality, continuity tends to get muddy. Well, Robert Kirkman’s creation, Zombie Deadpool, may have only been around for five short years, but his story, development and death played out cleanly without need of a single retcon.

When Earth-2149 was overrun by a zombie plague, Deadpool turned out to be the Prime Carrier. He somehow reached Earth-616, where the extra-dimensional security agency known as A.R.M.O.R. orchestrated his capture. His body was torn apart in the battle, but they still took what was left of him back to HQ for safe keeping. His head then manages to escape with the help of Golden Age hero, Zombie. At this point, he is renamed Headpool and continues his adventures without a body. This Deadpool is a founding member of the Deadpool Corps, and is the first Corpsman to die at the hands of the Evil Deadpool Corp. Say that three times fast.

DREADPOOL

This version of Deadpool is from Earth-12101. In this universe, the X-Men committed him to the Ravencroft Asylum to deal with his psychosis. The plan backfires because the head doctor at the asylum is actually classic villain Psycho-Man in disguise. He manages to quiet the voices in Wade’s head, but also awakens a new voice that instructs Dreadpool to kill everyone.

Dreadpool was created by Cullen Bunn, who gave him the name, even though he has never used it in a comic. This is the Deadpool that killed all the superheroes in “Deadpool Kills the Marvel Universe” (2012), then all the characters from classic tales like Frankenstein and The Jungle Book in “Deadpool: Killustrated” (2013), and finally decided to hunt down every last Deadpool in the multiverse in “Deadpool Kills Deadpool” (2013). For that last and most ambitious mission, he started the Evil Deadpool Corps and recruited the most foul Pools he could find. Of course, Evil Deadpool was one of the first members, as was our #10 entry, Dead Man Wade.

Which alternate universe version of Deadpool was your favorite? Let us know in the comments!

The post I Can’t Believe It’s Not Deadpool: The 15 Best Non-Deadpool Deadpools appeared first on CBR.com.

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