#then father joe passed away. our church merged with another church. father jeff was the priest there.

[handsomegentlebutch]

My 3 little cousins were baptized today. "Triggered" is kind of a strong word but being in a catholic church again... I'm a little fragile rn ngl.

#butch speaks #it was hard not to shake as i held J over the basin to have the water poured on his head #when he was cleansed of sin. as if a little kid could ever knowly or intentionally offend a so-called loving god #the words came naturally to me #but they meant nothing #i remember when they used to mean something. when i begged gods forgiveness for my sin (being a lesbian) and tried to pray the gay away #i remember how much i wanted to die bc i could never truly embrace the sacred #i STILL deal with the complex of catholic guilt. its a very real thing. its hard to shake #i cant help but wonder if the catholicism ingrained in my brain is why i have a hard time with casual dating n sex #fun fact: there was a point when i was a teen that i got REALLY catholic #i prayed everyday. i talked to my patrin saint (st agnes) every day. i wantsd to become a nun #the thought of marrying a man mad me more sad than feeling like an alien did. so id marry the church as a nun. #not the way to hide being a dyke when ur fam is catholic btw LMAO #the first priest i knew was father joe. i loved that guy. he was so kind. friendly. briming with love. #he was one of my biggest references for what a good person was like #he talked about gods love a lot. how its for everyone. no one is exluded. ever. #he used to look right at me when he said stuff like that. a few other kids too. all of whom grew up to be queer #then father joe passed away. our church merged with another church. father jeff was the priest there. #he was kind but not as kind. he talked about hell and sin more. he looked at the same kids father joe did. #but the kindness in his eyes wasnt there. #that wasnt for us. #my family wasnt even THAT catholic #i went to church every sunday i did vacation bible school and catechism classes and youth group #i was an altar servant and in the choir #i even used to speak/understand a little latin #imagine how much worse id have been if my mom could have afforded catholic school lmao #grateful to have grown up poor in that regard #hm. actually... reading my own tags. mayne we were pretty catholic actually. #fucking hell. #i need to have lesbian sex in a church before god and everyone. mayeb that would fix me.