#these look so yummy but yet too pretty to actually eat 🥺

[cremekcal]

17/04/2023

11:34am

my cw is 43.5kg I kinda wanted it to be lower but oh well -_-

I ended up b/p-ing yesterday after church it was kinda boring and me and my sis are agnostic so I was just there because I have nothing to do and my sis was there because she just likes the part at the end where we all just talk and have tea xD (me too I love tea and biscuits and I got a hug and two kisses from this lady bc we’re from the same tribe so like yippee!)

I found this new manhua and the art style is so good and the plot is interesting and I’m so glad bc I just reached the latest chapter of this manhwa I was reading the past few days while restricting and I was scared I was going to be bored ;;

also my scars have gotten a lot lighter (from compulsive skin picking) so I decided not to wear a disposable face mask today to cover it since I’m usually insecure and yesterday was pretty much the first day I’ve actually felt pretty and while I was walking home from church this woman kept staring at me and me and my sis turned around to give her a dirty look bc we were confused and then she said to my sis that I’m pretty and like🥺 and two people let me cut the line today in the store so maybe I am pretty but idk

anyways I feel weird since I’ve never felt like this before but I feel like the scale is lying and I’m like 46kg or something bc this feels off like how do I lose weight every time I purge

I wrote a lot of disjointed ideas down but I forgot to write yesterday so I guess this makes up for it and I haven’t even finished the day yet so I’ll probably have more to say but I made lasagne at 6am today and ate like half of it and one thing I hate ab bulimia aside from 24/7 heart pain edema and my imminent death is the fact that I can’t taste anything properly nothing tastes good anymore I buy two pizzas just to take 2 bites and spit it out I can just about tolerate a few squares of chocolate I was even forcing myself to eat the lasagne until I gave up halfway like everything that was meant to be yummy is just painful and it would be nice if I could restrict and avoid food like someone with a restrictive ed but I binge 24/7 while squinting my eyes in pain while I eat food that I hate and I only really enjoy getting to have like 2 litres of diet soda since I find it refreshing and I restrict fluids so I never get to have more than a sip of water to wash down my laxatives outside of a b/p episode but today my favourite soda tastes gross too after a while and I just felt really upset :(