#they arent brags they are simply wounds that never healed

[ghouljams]

wait why would ghost be pondering if he made the worst mistake of his life? was he that entrenched in the idea of dying on the job that he prefers it to civilian life?

Hmmmm. I think in my mind it's more Ghost's own anxiety around his personhood that hes fully catastrophizing. It's not so much that he loved the SAS but more jumping feet first into a pool he no longer knows how to swim in. The last time he was allowed to be a civilian and enjoy quiet was right before his family was killed, before he became Ghost. I think Ghost's worry is that there isn't a civilian left in him, that the SAS is all that there is and he will never be able to reaclimate.

I always see Ghost as a character that is rigidly settled on the idea that he is one thing, he serves one purpose, and he does it well so why should he try and be anything else? But it's also a very... hm. When you live for so long anticipating your death, living past it feels wrong in a way. There's a piece of you that gets left behind. You wake up the same as you were the day before, but you're not the same as when you went to sleep. Ghost barricades the door because it's an old habit in an unfamiliar environment. But it's not a safe house, there's no watch, there's no one coming after him, there's no expectation he might not see the morning, and that scares him in a new way that dying hasn't in a long time.

Price is offering him the opportunity to be Simon again, and that's scary too. That's a choice with a heavy potential for mistake. What if there isn't any of Simon left? What if he does something wrong, plays the part of Simon wrong? What if he can't be happy as a civvie? I don't think he was happy(maybe familiar, satisfied) with being an operator, but it's the enemy he knows. This is a wide open unknown, an abyss he has to stare into and hope it doesn't stare back. When he meets Goose at the bar he makes a choice to be Simon for her, to take a baby step with a stranger, to give her a fragile part of himself because he gets this squirmy feeling in his chest when he sees her smile, and then has that ripped away from him the next morning.

#ghoul speaks #simon ghost riley #there are many things that the quiet whispers to him #whispers of peace and safety but also whispers of deceit #is he lying to himself? to Price #how long will it take before the weight of everything catches up to him? #now in the silence when he doesnt have the distraction of death he is forced to grapple with the things he buried long ago #when he looks in the mirror he can no longer justify his scars or the actions he took to earn them #they arent brags they are simply wounds that never healed #when he never thought hed make it this far there is nothing in the after that makes sense #do i think Ghost was/is suicidal? no #not in the way that you or i might think of someone as suicidal #but i think he was waiting to die #and now hes forced to live #tw suicidal ideation #cowboy!ghost