#theyd call 911 and tell them im having a seizure | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

fxhfndddfghn · 7 years

Text

tw for abuse self harm and shit under the cut (its basically abt my child hood)

so on the last day of school last year, i knew there were people being abused in my class so . i decided to give a speech about my life to the class. ive done this before w a lot of older people?? and i was able to inspire them so i waslike. fuck lets do this. so, i got in front of my class and i spoke about basically everything thats ever happened to me.

my mother was a really bad person and she used to beat me untill i was bruised all over and she abused me emotionally and mentally as well calling me such names as “useless”, “worthless”, “a mistake”, “r*tarded” etc on a daily basis because of something i didnt know how to do or if i didnt do something her way exactly. this abuse started as a child when my parents were still together (they divorced when i was around 6ish?) but when i went to pre-k we were learning how to write in english and theyd make us trace letters and such. i could not trace the letters A, U, V, E, and O properly. to this day i dislike writing those letters because they remind me of my mother.

my mother drank heavily, smoked, and did drugs daily. ever since i was a child i had to take care of my own mother and in the winter of 2013 she went into a coma for a month. she almost died due to having too much fluid in her brain as well as other various issues. after that, she was in and out of the hospital. then again in 2015 she was in a coma yet again this time it was much more severe. she had little to no chance of survival, but she was able to make it. after wards she was barely able to take care of herself, leaving me to clean her and cook for her etc. then she began having more and more seizures. i didnt. know how the fuck to deal with these at all as a kid and she had a seizure while she was in the car, driving on one of the busiest streets in staten island. we were in the middle lane and there were more cars. i called 911, and the operator was terribly rude towards me. eventually the emts came but, they didnt help at all. my mother regained consciousness but not really? she told me to come over to her and the emts did not take her vitals or do anything. they looked and they drove off. that fucking experience traumatised me so much. i have no clue how we didnt get into a car accident that day but im so fucking glad we didnt. eventually, though her body couldnt keep up with all of this. she passed away on the 4th of june, 2016.

now, due to the heavy abuse i got from my mom i believed everything she was telling me. to this day i do still feel like im worthless and a mistake and i still do feel useless when i cant help others. i began self harming at a very young age and progressively it got worse. ive been clean for about maybe? 4 months. i have attempted suicide before but as you can clearly see, it didnt work out since im here typing this. i was around 9 or 10 when i first attempted suicide. also, the end result of my mother abusing me so much is my ptsd. its getting better little by little but there are certain words and phrases that you can say that can make me have a mental breakdown because of her. but with the suicide attempt in mind, maybe in retrospect its a good thing i didnt die since now i have amazing friends with me.

with that being said, after my mothers death everything. wasnt perfect. i was going to live with my mothers parents however they kidnapped me and stole my mothers ashes and they were basically new york’s most wanted criminals. i was. actually fucking terrified that they wouldnt bring me back home in time but i couldnt do anything about it. they were arrested when i came to my school to fill out some paperwork. i wasnt able to see everything that was happening because a few of the officers told me to stay in the main office and not go after them, and thank God i didnt go outside because my grandfather was being really fucking violent. i was driven to the police station until my father arrived and when he saw me he broke down into tears. because of my own mother, i wasnt able to see my father at all but he was aware of everything that had happened to me. he had tried helping several times before by calling ACS (or CPS, child protective services) and by specifically telling them to see my in school however they came to my home and i couldnt say anything to them because my mother threatened to kill me if i did. and of course, after those incidents i was in a lot of trouble but my mother mostly blamed it on my father. with that being said, my father spent some time with me and we talked about things and then i went to my mothers memorial (which happened to be on the same day and as u can see. well a lot of shit happened that day)

i gave this speech to my class (just a bit longer) and if any of you would like a partial video of it (its only 11 minutes long sadly) feel free to pm me about it. there was also several newspapers written about my custody trial while my fathers was trying to obtain fully custody of me over my grandparents so you could also ask for that. that being said, i became a much stronger person with my mothers abuse, i became much more kinder and grateful and affectionate to and with everyone around me. you dont have to become anything like your abuser and i can clearly prove that. what i was given as a child, i flipped it 360 degrees around and i know. i wont be like my mother. you can remain strong no matter what. and honestly i fucking believe in you. anyway, thats all and i hope i inspired some of you in some way. thank you and have a lovely day.

#akira.txt #jsdfnjnf this was a lot ty type #alcohol ment//#drug ment //#abuse ment //#grandparents meant //#death ment //#mother ment //#police ment //#father ment //

12 notes · View notes