#tho idk if y'all wanna see the rest of the months i could i guess

[inspirationallyinsane]

July 9th 2018

Tumblrrrrr :D It's me. Your fav. I'm so good. Yes. So good. My life is incredibly full and I'm a full ass person and it's cool. I'm not going to lie though, I haven't put myself in a position for disappointment for a while. Not since Vince. I wasn't sure if I would. I'm not sure if I want to. And obviously Vince was a whole lot more than disappointment. But! Similar. Heartbreak is just like, exaggerated disappointment. You feel loss? Waste? Sadness? It's interesting, I think. I've only been truly heartbroken twice in my life. Lmao I did not set out to write about this but I guess we're going to. Um. And both of those times I think that I almost enjoyed it in a strange way. I remember after Vince just dipped tf out I was so completely broken that the whole world seemed different. I was watching it happen, but not living in it. I wasn't present for shit. It was like a quasi-death. A part of me died and was watching the rest of me function and be a person, but in reality? I was not a full person. I was half a person, half watching things happen, half experiencing things. And then!!! There were moments when suddenly that part of me re-entered my body?? My soul?? And the colors were bright again. Brighter than they ever had been. The most beautiful moments I have ever known. It was very similar with Austin but the difference was that I was not present for a lot longer after him. I dipped out for a solid two years after Austin. Well. Until I met Vince. And that was not good. I was not good. Somehow I have learned how to fix myself. I learned how to escape the lie and keep myself present. It's neat. 3 months? It only took 3 months. I can do anything for three months. So. What is heartbreak to me now? What is the risk? What is the sadness, really? I thought my love died to him, I thought he had won, beat me. He had swung his sword enough, finally slayed me. But I was wrong af. I have never been happier and healthier than I am now. Last night was fun. It was a good time. Yesterday was incredible. My song did well for its first day. I got a lot more listens than I did on any of my others when I first released them. And chocolate texted me about it :) I'm not sure how interested in pursuing that I am at this point. It was fun writing the song and the lyrics are fun but in reality? I'm really leaning more towards the "no" side at this point. I was in a different situation when I wrote that, when I met him. And he's fun and I don't doubt that it would be fun. I do hope to see him again before I can't again. But. There's no sure things about what will happen. I like things to develop kinda naturally and smoothly. I don't wanna force anything. Just cuz I write a song about sucking some dude's dick, doesn't mean I necessarily will. And I actually had a lot of other people text me about it too!!! All good things!!! No bad feedback on this one. Genuinely I am shocked. I got soooo much shit for my other songs. Like. So much. And some of it was dumb shit, like this kid from my youth group left a comment on one of my songs and it was about how one of my lyrics was "wrong" but it just went over his head a bit. And so now I kinda laugh about it, but I'm so hungry for every single person's praise and love that at the time it was hurtful!! I was like??? Wtf. Why did you feel the need to say that on my soundcloud? I see you every week you weirdo? I could've explained the lyric to you, and then neither of us look bad. Could've saved both of us embarrassment. But no. You just had to go and do that. Idiot. "Idiot" is one of my favorite things to say now. Just how Dwight says it in the office. Dwight is the cutest. He's my fav. We're similar, I think. Obviously he is a character, and in many ways, I am too, just not as violent, perhaps. Haha. But driven and excitable and unsure and sensitive. I am easily messed with. Idk. People tell me I'm like Dwight. Who tf knows. Anyway. So yes, my song release was a success. And my picture didn't get taken down from insta! Which is awesome. I like it a lot. I look hella fine. I always look fine tho. Let's be real. Umm and then the rest of my day was very nice too :) Significantly better than expected for sure. Not that I exactly thought it wouldn't be good. I knew, to some extent, as I usually do with these things. But. 11 hours is a long time to spend with someone. I don't do that often. If ever? Have I ever? 11 hours. I think the last time I did that was when I went to Bandon with Scott. When I was 16. Woah. That's crazy to think about. I mean, I guess it's not super normal. People don't do that. They should though, maybe. It's fun. It's nice. I'm not sure how much I should say. I like to talk/write about things, in depth. However, that isn't always smart. Not always a good idea. Sometimes, it's a good idea to keep your feelings all up inside of you. And it's about 50/50 with my judgement calls on these sorts of things. Like Chocolate? I was concerned that might be a bit much, and it turned out fine. Better than fine. The response was good. But like when I wrote about shit with Zach I did not expect such an aggressively upset response. So. Wtf do I know, really? Ok. So. Here's the thing. I'll just say this. And it's going to be difficult and upsetting for me not to say a whole lot more. But I'm not going to. I have a lot of thoughts, and a lot of things going on inside of my head. And I'm not sure if I'm putting myself in a good situation, I'm not sure if I trust the situation. And yet, as I tend to do, I will trust the situation and let the things happen to me and see what happens. End of story. Also!!! I started writing another song today!!! That's exciting. I've never jumped into a new one so soon after I released one. I'm happy with how this one is going too. I have a chorus and the first verse. Kinda pounded that shit out in about ten minutes. I was inspired. I think I'm going to call it Bury, Bloom. Some of you, well, like two of my readers may know what I'm referencing there. Lmao. I don't tend to write things to or for or about people that I know they will never read/listen to. But I believe this is one of those times. She won't ever see this or hear this. Unless things change dramatically. But I'm a pussy and so they won't. Oh well. Here's a thing that I have been thinking about; I think that identifying the line of events in life is really important. I wrote a little bit about this a few months ago but I haven't really been able to get it out of my head. I think this might connect to the meaning thing. And maybe that is why my subconscious (?) is telling me it is important. I'm having to start with myself. From the beginning. This thing led to this thing and then this and that, so on and so forth until every passing second. Endlessly. Until I die. Um. But it's like, every single person, every single thing, every single thought, has influenced my actions which create who I am today. Similarly, I have had a part in creating a part of everything around me, things that are inconceivable to me. Actions I have taken, actions I have not, all of it. Indecision is decision in itself. Stagnation is an action. How does it tie into meaning? I don't know. I gotta think about that. The machine. The machine though! I'm a part in the machine and the machine would function differently if I functioned differently. Ok. Ok. So if the machine can, certainly can, function differently and "produce" different things, then it must!!! It must be producing for a reason. Why though? What reason? What is the production for? I've been thinking about the refrigerator thing a lot too. That little gift of a metaphor that Benadryl gave me. So. Here's how I see it, right? The multiverse exists. Right? Almost definitely. There is a "universe", a time, in which matter doesn't exist. Matter, energy, none of it exists. There is no refrigerator at all. It isn't even about whether someone is using it or watching it or appreciating it, it simply isn't there. And you have to think of it this way, perhaps: A home, a universe, in which a fridge never existed would not miss the fridge because it does not know the fridge. But! If a home that already had a fridge all of a sudden did not have one, there would be a noticeable difference. If! Time were different, if TimeTM were to suddenly break, as we know it to be, the machine could cease. SO! Since the machine exists at all, and there is a lack of machines as well, the machine existing in the first place must mean something. It must have purpose. It has to. Because otherwise it just wouldn't exist. Why though. That's the thing. I can't outrun all the "why though"s. It's endless with these sorts of things and I could throw it right back but I don't like to argue like that. Why though? Is a valid question, and I would like to know. So you know what?? I will take your why though and turn it into a solid answer. I've progressed quite a bit over just the last few weeks even. Hm. Maybe if I can tie the two things I just talked about together that might get me even further. Fuck Kant. He can't kill philosophy for me. I'll know the shit you glorified con man. Nice job killing the conversation, you garbage person. I like most philosophers, no lie. But Kant? Socrates? Assholes. No good. Not worth their salt. That's what I say. Plato?? Wayy better than Socrates. 100%. Socrates can suck me. Anyway. I'll get really upset if I keep writing about Socrates. Lord knows. Tumblr. Thank you for giving me a place to put my ramblings :) y'all are wonderful. I know a lot of people only follow me for my selfies cuz they're a little slutty and sexual like 90% of the time, but I don't really care. Maybe the reason doesn't matter as much as the existence of it at all :p lol. Look at that. Life is cool. I love being alive. It's funny because I've been thinking recently I might die. Because that would be so ironic. I think that would be a little funny. Not in a "haha she died" sorta way but it's like, I have always wanted to die. Since the moment I was old enough to have real feelings. 13? Probably. I have seriously considered suicide for years and years and years. I've felt dead, at least in part, a majority of my quasi-adult life. And now I do not. For the first time ever. For the first time I am excited to wake up, I'm excited to think, I'm excited to be me. I'm excited for my future. I think it'd be really ironic if I died rn. Like the kind of irony that I would wanna write about. I think if I were about to die right now I'd be really disappointed I couldn't write a poem about it. I'd be a mad ghost. Someone better write about the irony of my death if I die. Ya know?? Ok. I haveee to try to sleep. Again, thanks for listening Tumblr. Hopefully I will be able to write more specifically about many things, soonish. Goodnight, until next time :D

[survivorathena-allstars]

Episode #9: “I Don't Want to Play Duck Duck Goose Anymore; It's Time to Play All Stars” ~ Emily

WE MADE MERGE BABY

I just PM'd everyone from the other tribe I am SO happy for merge.  This came at the perfect time! Now I just have to make sure I win immunity and hopefully get pulled into an alliance or something.  I don't even know who I want to WORK WITH!! But I'm glad that there is a possibility to get numbers. Seriously I don't think I've ever PM'd so many people at a merge before, I usually wait for people to come to me but NOT TODAY BUCKAROOS.  it's time to show that i can be a social queen and get myself out of some sticky situations that could be coming my way with the old ata la la la la de dah tribe.

Merge! Woo! We are going into this merge split 6-6 even for tribal lines on both original tribes and swap tribes, which is kind of incredible. I don't know who I want to trust. I just know that if ruthie was willing to vote Lily before, she'll do it again. And that's the tea.

i'm bad at naming things um I DON'T KNOW BUT I NEED TO BE QUIET I'M SPILLING WAY TOO MUCH TO THESE PEOPLE AT THIS MERGE PARTY. I'm about to let it slip to Will that my old tribe has an alliance 0:) 

WOOOOOOOOOOOOO WE FUCKING MERGED!!!! LETS DO THIS YALL!!!! Okay, so here's the status of things. Obviously, I'm glad to be united with a few people again, but I'm already starting to form a potential boot order in my head. It clearly won't work this way for real, but there are a few people that I don't want to see getting much further. Ali is definitely one of them, for two main reasons. First of all, he's a challenge beast that is not at all to be doubted, and if he went on an immunity streak, it could throw not just a wrench, but an entire toolbox into the rest of my game. So he's got to go for that alone. But also, he's being so unreasonably bitter? Apparently, this doesn't apply to just him, but Emily and Owen both said that he was refusing to talk to them because of their challenge performance. Y'know, the challenge that was an entire day ago. You really would think they'd be a BIT less bitter at this point, but alas... apparently not. Dana and Will could be logical next boots after that, along with Ashvika. Not sure about that order, though. And... As much as I love Cameron, I don't know if I'd want to work with him. Every time I work with him, it never ends up going right, and he betrays me by relaying information to another alliance, never voting with me, or something of the sort. So he might be on that list earlier than my out-of-game self would want. Kevin could also be a boot opportunity early on, as his paranoia is so hard to deal with, and it makes him as unpredictable as going on Omegle's video mode. I don't know where I stand on Ruthie, though. It's hard to put an accurate gauge on where I want her in this game, as she could possibly be brought onto my side as an ally, but the Autumn vote may have ruined that. So I'll have to let that sit for a while. Ideal F3 (if it IS F3) is me, Emily (hehe), and Zach. Ideal F2 is me and Emily (duh <3). Ideal F1 is me.

I'm so sad about Jack going I'm like really sad. I miss him wtf I wouldn't have done him so dirty BRING BACK JACK 2K18

Merge time means tea time, which means everyone gets a little too comfortable and says things they shouldn't! I love how Ruthie is so willing to throw the other tribe under the bus and flip to our side, we LOVE a queen and we LOVE a Will warrior like her. Owen....idk what you were thinking siding with Emily and Lily when you had literally the perfect opportunity to take them out but ok work. Like I genuinely don't care if y'all felt bad for Lily feeling left out, that's the game we're playing. You need to check your feelings at the door or you will not win this game. As far as I'm concerned, Lily or Emily is next to go - whoever doesn't win immunity is gonna be gone. A good split vote will work there too just in case of an idol, but it's time to cut the threats loose and let the non-recruits take control. Sorry about it! ________________________________________________________________ And when I tell people it's gonna be a bloodbath, know that I'm not gonna be the one bleeding - I'll be the one left standing.

Okay merge time! Lots to confess on! Firstly, I am so ready for Sandra Diashvika Twine winning again, like wooOoOoOO! Otherwise, I am..... conflicted about who I wanna work with from atalaia. The majority on their tribe was Emily/Owen/Zach as a core group, with Lily and Kevin as 4th and 5th and Ruthie firmly in the minority. I definitely want to work with Ruthie, she clicks well into our group since she is a self proclaimed Will Warrior. The issue is however that I don't know if I can then work with Ruthie and then also Zach/Owen/Emily, because that leaves us with voting out Kevin which I don't think I necessarily want to do and Lily who I do want to go, but I don't know if Emily will. With that said, I think my goal boot order for the merge going forward would be: 12th = Lily 11th to 9th = Preferably maybe Zach > Emily > Owen as an order? That gives us a top 8 of the six from Loronha + Ruthie/Kevin. That might then (unfortunately) be the opportunity to turn on Cameron/Dana/Will as right now I feel like I'm probably number four in that alliance? I wanna really assess that because I do feel good about going really far with Dana,Cameron and Will provided I'm not just the clear cut 4th in that alliance. AHH, we will see eek. I think the four immediate targets should be Lily 1st, then Emily,Owen & Zach. The issue is however, is like a fool, Emily knows about my alliance, so if I do want to get her out, it needs to be a _major_ blindside, so if Lily wins immunity, maybe Emily needs to go? I love murdering my own children

merge!!!! thank god i was not going to survive another round in that tribe so i'm reunited with my favs Cameron and duncan. i just went on a call with dunc and received a PIPING cup of a tea from him: 1. first of all i spilled the beans to him on what happened at our tribe pretty much instantly. i also spilled the beans to will because keeping a secret to myself? not familiar with that concept #RatsOnly 2. apparently i played in lazio with duncan and he was bitter at me for 3 months??? skdkdkd 3. duncan and i want to be a #dynamicduo bc we think no one would expect it and since we haven't actually been on a tribe together we'll have different connections which will allow us to get more info and do stuff with that 4. duncan has a treehouse hideout thing which allows him to skip a tribal up until f10. also Cameron has an idol??? okay 5. some BITCHES on LORANHA apparently threw my name and lily's name out as easy merge boots. which is honestly realistic bc i haven't been in any alliance so i'm like the hali of this game but not as hot. but like...am i a threat??? neaux sir. i couldn't hear what duncan was saying but i think he said Cameron threw my name out???? not sure. whoever it is is a RAT. duncan suggested voting out ruthie instead which will like be chill i guess. anyways i need to try hard in immunity i guess 

Owen snatched immunity before I could even get started 

I'm a flop hi! I'm confessing I'm being a good castaway I promise! I did like twenty puzzles in total which took maybe a total of three hours... I fucking hate puzzles. But of course Owen won. He's here to PLAY. I'm just really concerned for Lily and I at this point. I KNOW that people are going to target us at some point because they've already started? I think people are just coming for my friends like Madison? Gone. Jack? Gone. Lily? Almost gone thank god we saved her in that tie revote. I dont understand??? Don't come for my boys tho. Protect Ali, Zach, and Duncan AT ALL COSTS!!! Also I have no clue why I have such a HARD ASS TIME trusting Owen? Like there's just.... I CAN'T TRUST HIM! He's proven to me time and time again that he's trustworthy but for some reason... HE'S NOT! I'm just happy to be back with Ali and Duncan though because like... I trust them a whole whole lot. A whole lot. And they have powers! Duncan has that hideaway he needs to use soon and he also has an idol. Ali has an idol. Also me thinking back to that idol that Ali and I didn't get after having to be quiet in the time chat for forever... I think Will has it. Sneaky sneaky snake that Will. I love him, but he's a SNAKE!!! OH speak of the devil he just messaged me fdjkfjaksdfa I LOVE WILL I PROMISE I just haven't gotten to be on a tribe with him yet and like I don't know where his head is at or his allegiances and stuff. Also Zach hasn't talked to me in a while and I DON'T WANT HIM TO ABANDON ME I love Zach!! And I literally wanna go to final three with him!!! Heck!! talk TO ME also I don't buy that not talking in the tribe chat is like ... only a disadvantage. I played this game before BUDDY!!! It got me nothing but I think it's gonna get him something so fajsdkfjasdkf UGH anyways I'm gonna go get Greek food this is the end of my confessional bye

Checking in as the worst player in all stars. I am mad at myself because I'm literally making all the same mistakes and am in this messy spiral that I can't get out of. Emily knows about my idol, which gets tricky for voting out her or Lily, Duncan knows *everything* including too much I said about Cameron, when I was still assessing whether to work with him and I've just boxed myself into a tricky spot. I'm literally making the same mistakes, like I'm just bad at this and it makes me so sad. I'm gonna get dragged to the end as a goat again and that makes me so sad, ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I wanted to rewrite my Athena experience, but instead of playing a terrible game without realising like last time, I am playing an even worse game but this time i can tell and it makes me sad. I cant wait to be dragged to the end as a goat again, this is gonna like crush my self-esteem even further into the swamp ajlfkajldfk. god I hate myself, and these games makes it so much worse

Ladies... we merged! I am honestly so happy I made merge, and that's my first of three goals, the other two being jury and 100 days. I really like everyone on our tribe. Like there's people who I worked with and will continue to work with, such as Emily and Owen, then there are people who I haven't worked with, that i'm excited and hopeful to work with, such as Dana, Cameron and Will. Overall everyone's great! There's only a few people who'd I enjoy seeing leave. Kevin - we don't have a superior connection. Sure, he's friendly and nice, but compared to my other conversations it's just... dull. Sweet kid though. Lily - I like Lily and would love to work with her, but she's close with Emily, has many advantages and similarly to Kevin, we just don't connect. Duncan is fine too. I like him and would love to work with him, and Dana said there's beef between him and Will so keeping them both in the game keeps us under the radar. Ashvika's a queen, and I love her. Ruthie's sweet but also like kind of AFK. Ali? A legend. If I had to, right now, predict a final three, it'd be: Ali, Will, and either Ruthie/Dana. We'll see how wrong I am sometime!! WOOH!! Also i can't talk in chats right now i'm so sad.

I'm.... literally the worst player left I'm screeching. Everyone is talking strategy and like I'm very out of it, like its interesting seeing Zach say (admittedly it wasn't exactly shocking) that he is close with Emily and Owen, as well as Dana & Cameron. Like... that's a lot of people, when me/Zach/Emily were a three person alliance, like.... yikes. Anyways, I am trying to see where I stand rn. I think I am still number four in the Dana/Will/Cameron/I alliance, so I'm thinking if I can get down to the nitty gritty with Ashvika/Duncan like that's actually a solid workable opportunity. I think I'd like to go to F5 with Ashvika/Duncan/Kevin/Ruthie? I just like the sound of that, and then I can figure it out from there... We will see I think I really want Lily out this vote, and then just one of the extended numbers for my L.A.W.D alliance, just so they can't flip away from me. I just feel really uncertain right now, so I wanna start eliminating numbers that are gonna cause issues for me, and Lily is the prime target for that. I really feel like I'm the worst player in the game and wanna try and resolve that somehow, but like... you can't fix a player as terrible as me hsjkdfajsdfa ________________________________________________________________ Who is ready for ali the goat the sequel! I sure am ________________________________________________________________ me: cries about telling too many people about my idol me: tells two more people making the number of people that know now equal 6 but its fun, and the aim of these games is to have fun and leaving sad confessionals isn't good, so lets just have fun with it.

Honestly, please self-vote out of this game if you're "close with Emily." If i have to hear that phrase one more time I WILL choke. Stop playing this game like you're close with Emily because unless you're me NEWS FLASH LADIES you're close with Emily!!! Her name is literally starting to sound weird to me because I'm hearing it so much. Like am I jealous of her? YOU BET. How do I make my mist as strong as Emily. I am sick of pacifying miss Emily. Ok on another note, my main bff Ali Bee told me he HAS THE IDOL that I told everyone Lily has and honestly im wigged. I'm so happy he has the idol. Also Cameron told me that someone good had an idol the other day, and I confirmed tonigt that this person he told me about was Ali so yee we love tea! The other good thing about that all going down as it did, is that later down the line (assuming I don't get murdered) I can be like "Will Ali and Cameron are vv close, Cameron got idol tea before us!!!" and use that as leverage. Right now apparently all the names out there are Ali, Lily, Ruthie, and Kevin. Owen, I just don't trust, and I really tried to sell my loyalty to him on call and if Owen were 5% less smart he probably would have bought it. I delivered an outstanding an emotionally confusing performance tonight and she deserves recognition.  Also I would like to thank everyone for nominating me for the role of village idiot of the season. It means a lot to me accepting this award. I'd like to thank Cameron for helping me really sell it to the people that i'm an illiterate meme just looking 4 a home amongst all these intimidating players I can't keep up with. Like UTR whommmm. Me? It's unlikely but apparently also working. Like i don't want people thinking it's worth their time to vote miss me out of this game when all the scary smart people are around. Keep me around for jokes and fake drama pls.

this was like before immunity results were even posted ________________________________________________________________

Alright team, here's the deal: merge boot, it can either be simple or it can be a mess. And this time it's gonna be a grade A mess. We have 6 people from each of the swapped tribes, and 6 people from each of the starting tribes, which means there's a whole messy web of connections between everyone going every which way. I have my core four of me, Ali, Cameron, and Dana (which has an even stronger core of just me and Dana) and we have connections with Duncan and Ashvika (the Loronha squad/Charlotte's Angels), with Owen (from the Elaenia days), with Zach (our cracked king) and with Emily (because who the fuck isn't connected with Emily). The thing is, EmiLily NEEDS to get broken up and everyone knows it, but we have people literally saying they won't vote Emily out until F5 but....guess what? If we let her get that far, she's LITERALLY GOING TO WIN like are you KIDDING ME. So since nobody wants to vote out Emily right now, and we need to break up that duo, the obvious target is Lily. But again, people are SO worried about burning Emily as a potential ally that they won't vote Lily. Like honestly props to Emily for literally smothering everyone with her mist to the point where they won't even try to play the fucking game anymore. We can't just vote out the outsiders forever, like we're at a point where the only "easy vote" left is Kevin (sorry king) and, according to some people, Ruthie (love u queen) - but the thing is, why would you take out an easy vote NOW when you have a chance to take a shot at a big threat? And honestly, I don't even know if Lily is really a threat to win this game since she doesn't speak to anyone when it isn't right before tribal so like....I'm talking about taking a shot at Emily by taking out Lily. If you wanna overthrow the queen, you have to take down her loyal aide first. Dana, Cameron, Ali, and Ruthie are the only people that seem to have completely detached themselves from the idea that "we need to play with our friends and we need to go for the easy votes" because let's see... what happens at F10 when you've taken out Ruthie/Kevin and all your "friends" are left? It's Survivor, you have to burn someone at some point. If you don't burn someone else, you're the one getting burned. I think I can convince Owen that it's better for his game to burn just Emily than to burn all three of me, Cameron, and Dana but... I really don't know. I love Zach but if he's saying he won't vote out Emily until F5.... then do you really deserve to be playing this game? If the jury really does start tonight, I also need to start playing a selfish game and figure out how I can get these people that we're gonna be voting out to vote for me. I have a lot of plans and big ideas, but I don't know for sure if or how they're gonna work. Right now we need to get at least one or two people onboard with voting out Lily...like that is going to happen tonight I am going to make sure she goes home.

Tag yourself I’m me exposing my whole friend group as friends but not including myself as a part of it #wig I love strategy!!!!!! No I don’t I’m just stupid

Everyone's so fucking dumb they act as if there aren't only 12 people on this tribe (10 technically since Lily never speaks to anyone apparently and nobody knows who Kevin is) like you can't be like "omg I only heard it was Ruthie" and not expect that I already heard your plan to divert from Lily going home by throwing Ruthie's name out there like what the fuck lmao

Okay so yesterday the options for voting were like Ruthie Lily and Kevin. I did not want to vote any of these people because I wanted to work/reconnect with the first two and the third person is me. BUT it appears the options are Ruthie and me so...my hand's been forced. I wanted to try reconnecting with Ruthie after that last tribal but I guess not hm. If I survive this tribal it'll be the third tribal in a row I've received votes so that'll be cute! I don't know who the source of my name is, I don't know if I want to know but I'd appreciate the information so I don't go rattling all my secrets to my own killer!! Wish me luck!!! :,)

DUNCAN WHAT THE HECK WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO VOTE ME OUT??? WHY ARE YOU THE ONE PUSHING ME, I DO NOT GET IT, WHY???

Everyone is being super shady rn I don’t understand who started with wanting ruthie out but I don’t trust lily and I’m working on flipping the vote that way. Also wHY is everyone so concerned about defying Emily?? People wouldn’t be down to vote Emily rn so it’s imperative we vote out lily bc they’re close 

If anything, the way people are acting about this vote is VERY telling about how they're playing this game and a lot of people? Aren't playing very good games. Shame, isn't it?

yeah so....this is a lot. a lot a lot. A LOT. First of all, when we merged let me just say I was so happy to be with that whole other tribe again. DUNCAN AND ASHVIKA and I? legends only. Ali? A king. BUT MY TRU BBYS DANA WILL AND Cameron??? A++++++++++++++++++++++ holy SHOOT. I love everyone in this game and it's so nice to be working with those people again. I had some explaining to do about the tied vote and the autumn vote....so that was fun. idk. the real fun started later. first of second of all, the fucking immunity challenge. ruthie and I were talking before it got posted and I was like hahaha I hope it's a puzzle!!!!! hahahaahahahahahahahaHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA man i rlly fucked up with that wish, huh? :') puzzles are my thing so when I saw it was puzzle comp I was like YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!! it was my time to shine. well.... :) hehe :) be careful what you wish for in the athena series, folks, bc this genie is a savage :') i came into the comp just wanting to be cute. i wanted a fun time and all I got? cramps. and FATIGUE. and torture. i was so paranoid ali or emily would stay up all night doing them but seems like  was the only one truly crazy enough to ignore the fact that I had school starting the next day fakjsfjk but oh well. a win is a win, and the further I went the more I told myself that if I didnt win all the work would be for nothing. SO I DID IT! second of second of all, boy has this tribe gone to shit. lets get all the he said she said out of the way first. so I went on call with Duncan, he said he didnt wanna do Kevin and didnt wanna piss emily off so he landed on ruthie. he wants ruthie gone I was like ok. then i got on the call with will and he and I talked about maybe doing the easier thing like ruthie or kevin. then I get on call with will dana Cameron and,....fajskhjfk Cameron doesnt wanna do kevin or ruthie bc that's too easy. Cameron wants lily out as a move first, and I was ok with that, so were dana and will. basically like...we don't have sny reason to vote zach or ali yet, they dont wanna do emily yet, and duncan/ashvika didnt really come up as targets which left kevin ruthie and lily, the usual suspects. but then I talked to zach and he said he'd much rather do kevin. ok wig. then I talked to emily today and she wants to do kevin too. but then apparently lily found out from DUNCAN her name coulda gone around. I talk to lily aqnd first lily wants to do ali???? ok mood. but then fkasdhfkjds she was like everyone is doin ruthie. SO NOW, lily, duncan, and presumably ashvika were gonna do ruthie, emily doin ???? maybe kevin maybe ruthie, and will dana Cameron zach ruthie myself doin lily, and idk what ali's doin he told me he's thinking about going vegetarian and that's the biggest move he's told me about so far this round so fkshdfj ok ali. but like......uhg idk. ashvika doesnt want ruthie out, but ashvika apparently knows ppl are voting lily? god. GOD. third of all! some of my actual thoughts about all of this huge ass info dump..... I really really still love Dana, Will, and Cameron, but looking down the line, I am worried they will all be closer to each other than to me. They spent a lot of time together on that other tribe, and of the four of us they might pin me as a threat and kick me out. Cameron and I called privately as well and I told Cameron some additional things and he said that the other two might be a little sketched out by me rn but that if I vote with them it'll be fine. I also still....really love Will bye :'( what a king. I have talked to him a lot one on one about everything going on, and I just hope he trusts me too. It's just that of the four of us, I have a lot of the connections like outside ofour alliance (emily and lily, zach, duncan/ashvika, etc) which is GOOD FOR ME but also....playing both sides is not gonna be fun when sides come, and also I don't want them to freak out about my loyalty. I also still REALLY want to work with Zach and he might even be one of my closest allies rn as well. I don't want to be on a separate page from him. he's good. and he still really wants to work with emily too. NOW. I messaged Ali a lot about how like he might be seen as a threat down the line and that I might start to be one too and that we should have each other's backs and he agreed. He claims he doesn't think of himself as a threat and also like every time he speaks it's something about how he thinks his game is awful.... fskjdf i wish he would spend more time talking to me about his thoughts this time around and not his thoughts about how he played in emathia but! that's ok. Cameron also apparently has some tea on him....? That he didnt want to tell me.... Could Ali have an idol idk. Also it's really clear that Ali and Cameron are VERY close after that swap. But I like them both and want to move forward with both of them. I also called Emily one on one and told her the same thing - we're both gonna be threats soon, and we need each other. And I think that's true. So when I look ahead, it doesn't make sense for me to get Lily out at this vote. There's going to come a time when everyone who loves each other is gonna blow tf up and start targeting the threats. Which is why I'm trying to build mini-groups outside of my core alliance. My group with Duncan and Ashvika is good. But my group with Lily and Emily is another one. If Kevin left, then I would literally be good with so many people and they'd all be hopefully targeting each other. Emily and Lily are targets over me, Will wants Duncan out pretty bad and Duncan wants Will.... idk where Zach and Dana fit in but I love them and I don't think Zach would turn on me yet. But the closer it gets to voting, the more Will wants to do Lily, and I'm really at a crossroads here bc I don't want to make Emily mad or anything... Basically my main alliance wants Lily gone bad, which isn't necessarily bad for me but it's not best. And the people outside that alliance are split between Ruthie and Kevin and idk. If I really want to come out and say it, I could try to get dana Cameron and will to vote kevin. but they're just gonna think it's bc I wanna work with lily which is....not necessarily wrong. idk there's just a wheel that keeps spinning and I don't know when or where it's gonna stop. right now I'm thinking Lily. but how do I move forward from that? how am I going to get to the end of this game? I don't think I can unless I get to a point where I can win out. idk yall im still a mess rn but isn't that what we were all expecting dflfdk at least it wont be me. ________________________________________________________________ in other news will and I will be going as wario and waluigi for halloween so watch out

it's over luigi i'm going home tonight duncan was like "well most people have said ruthie" and that's like cool or whatever but then i'm like "well who said my name" bc i don't wanna like talk to the wrong ppl and then duncan has gone SILENT sjsjs if i survive it'll be a miracle sent from god our father

Wowowowow this is a mess. Here's how i presume the vote going down tonight. 

We (oh good l.a.w.d) are trying to save ruthie and kill lily. We have us 4 plus ashvika and ruthie, which is 6. I believe owen, zach, emily, and lily will likely vote kevin. Thats 4. I think kevin and duncan will probably vote ruthie. Thats 2. Lily goes, barring further complications. Bless up. 

I love starting the plan to get lily out and securing votes and then having someone else come tell me that we’re voting lily tonight! 

90% of the time I have no idea what the fuck this tribe is talking about. Okay, so, picture this. It's around 6:30, I've been talking with Cameron and a few others, and what I hear is that the vote is for Ruthie. I think this is alright, and I set my phone down, diverting my attention towards the delicious tacos I prepared for myself. At 6:55-ish, I get back on Skype, and now Cameron is telling me that everyone is voting for Kevin! I don't know about y'all, but it seems a BIT suspicious that the vote would change like that in less than a half an hour with no explanation to it at all! It just feels like this is some elaborate ploy, so that people can get me distracted with these two options and just blindside me. I thought this would be unanimous, but Perhaps The Fuck Not, My Good Sirs

this is how i'm looking at everyone in this tribe rn I trust NO ONE. Cameron told me "oh yeah the majority's voting ruthie" and so did duncan and then i talk to some people to whom i say "you know i'm voting ruthie probably" and then they're like "oh okay cool haha you do you!" which is the most blatantly transparently WISHY WASHY response you could give like they'll say "well who knows what could happen" like you might as well stab me because that'd be more enjoyable than this!!! and then i talk to lily later and lily's REAL with me and she says the majority WAS to Ruthie but now it seems like everyone's voting me?? and then i talk to emily and she's like "oh the majority's voting ruthie" and i'm like WHAT RHE FUCK IS FOING ON. Cameron says he has no idea what's going on. tonight's mood is paranoia, betrayal, and utter confusion to sum up my mental state in one word...fuck 

This is going to be a fun one 

This is a letter put in a time capsule for Dana, Will & Cameron. I just want to confess about how much I love you three. Dana, you always describe yourself as upsetting, but in reality I think you are one of the funniest and most genuine people in this community. Your pep talk you gave me on call was so nice, and its been a pleasure to actually work with you this time alkjdfa. Will, you are TOO HARD ON YOURSELF. You put so much energy in helping me build myself up, but remain too critical of yourself. You don't realise how popular you actually are and how much time people have for you. Cameron, m'fave. I love you so much, you and Captain are the most iconic duo (I'm done waiting) and I think you are the best. anywho, soppyness over. I felt they deserved that because on call yesterday they were so nice to me and I wanted to return the favour. ________________________________________________________________ OKAY SO THIS VOTE. I.... highkey have wanted Lily to be merge boot since we merged, so this is going a way I support. Also, I am forever an Ashvika warrior, we have decided to stan forever. Right now, Me/Ashvika/Dana/Will/Cameron/Ruthie are all voting Ruthie, which is 6/12. It looks like the other 6 aren't gonna be united or one of the 6 is gonna vote with us, so it looks like Lily is going. Unfortunately, that requires upsetting Emily, so I'm trying to very delicately clue her in that Lily is in jeopardy. Its not even that I wanna lie to her, Im more just concerned about upsetting her. Its a mess! whewie whewie whew. owenlol fkasdjhfkjsdhfkjs so now like I'm confident Lily is going, Ali, Ashvika, and now Ruthie are all voting her even though Zach isn't, but it now comes down to whether or not I tell Emily and idk. I just wish Kevin could gtfo because he's not a number for me. I'm hating my life rn fskjfhjds but ! oh well! maybe I'll just vote kevin and deal with it later.

whatever it isn't the end of the world I don't think....but damn if Lily has an idol now would be the time to play it huh

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people are voting for lily apparently or something i'm too young to think this much idk

There's nothing better than playing the absolute DUMBEST when shit hits the fan, thank you Queen Dana for telling Emily it was gonna be Lily, because now Emily thinks I'm just as confused as she is. We love a good ruse.

EMILY WHY. I tried to like subtly clue you in (as did Dana) and you just sent everyone's pms everywhere askjdfafaf I love you so much but Lily is a sinking ship and you are drowning with her

But for real, Dana leaking like that accidentally and creating the last minute chaos is really an Ashley's Idol 2.0 because I may be able to lie my way through this and hold onto Emily's trust at least for one round...or so...Who knows!

I recorded both of these before the vote and I just uploaded them

I recorded another one of me going crazy but honestly it's not cute and y'all would fear for my sanity so i'm not uploading it

Lily becomes the 9th person voted out of Athena All Stars in a 8-3-1 votes. You can see Lily’s preseason interview here.

After being voted out and placed on the jury, Lily decided to walk from jury. Charlotte, being the more recently voted out player, became the first member of the jury.

#NotAllFunAndGames

[0225pm]

sad bc no pictures today!!!! :( i didn't managed to snap any because of time constraints :(((((((((( anyway guess who finally get to meet her bb today? 😂 das right, me!!!!!! kind of a bummer bc i didn't expect that i'll actually get a shift on tuesday? i can't rmbr giving any shift for tuesday either but oh well i don't have a choice. but the feel to not go to work today was super strong though. if can, i wanted to skip work just to be able to spend more time with han but of course, i shouldn't be irresponsible just because i want to spend time with the love of my life. besides, it was already far too late to find a replacement + get an mc + i didn't wanna leave any more bad impression since their current impression of me is a little too close to borderline termination (ok it's just an exaggeration but ya idw to be a candidate for termination!!!!) ok so like i met han rly late, we only had about two hours to spend with each other before i start my shift and i was a tad bit grumpy because han sorta promised me meet me earlier today but i guess he was really tired or something. to the point that he even FORGOT that we're meeting early???? rly damn taik i want to punch him. i thought we can spend a little more time together today since we're always meeting during late afternoons but ughHh it was a botched. but i guess i should take 10% of the blame as well since i was about 15-20 mins late. honestly i was deciding what to wear and i was trying to dig out the company clothes from my narnia of a wardrobe (i own quite a fair bit of stuff from the company most of which i bought ages ago before i even started working for them but unfortunately, past seasons clothing pieces are not allowed even though they're bought from the company itself. i need more of their updated season clothing ughHhh). idk man i think i'm damn clingy or like what i heard han said, manja?? idk if there's a diff ah between those two words but?????? ok anyway then we went to have early dinner and i asked him what he wanted to eat and then he said "prata or smth" but when he came back to the table he was only carrying one plate and i got even grumpier bc i was like "then u not eating????" and then he's like "eating eating u makan abeh suap i pon we share" then i'm like??????? wtf i'm not eating alone???????? then he's like nO noooo i eat then i was like, is it u ate alr?????? then he just kept smiling that sheepish smile (the kinda smile that makes u wanna flick him bc u alr know the answer to ur own question) but ya apparently he alr ate chicken at home???? and i was like?????? and then we had a little mini argument bc he was being so passive aggressive about this person i added into ml squad and whom i followed on ig all lmaO so i decided like ok u know what i'm just gonna kick him outta the squad, unfriend and unfollow him ok and then he went all "noOoo i'm ok with it" but i still did it anyway bc idk i just can't stand his passive aggressiveness and then i asked him to honestly tell me???? if it bothers him and then he got all mad at me bc i kept asking and he alr said no but idk man deep down i still feel like a part of him wasn't feeling ok with it bc he raised the topic + even "joked" about how he's gonna do the same wtf idiot i want to puncH him but ok so i just decided to follow that feel i had and went ahead with what i've decided 😂 and then he ended up only taking a bite out of the plate of rice and i ate the rest of it. he complained that it was too spicy so he didn't want anymore (but lol i know it was just an excuse bc he's prolly too full) *rolls eyes* ok n then dayah told me that her class ended early so she was already at paya lebar but it was still a little early (we had about an hour or so to kill) so i asked her to come over to tamp instead and yes we were working the same shift today!!! i couldn't rly read han's expressions so idk if he actually mind or not the fact that i've just invited dayah over without asking him if it was ok but i guess he was ok w it??? bc he didn't seem to be showing any form of displeased during the whole journey to onekm. but u know what's the best thing of today? DAMN han actually waited for like me to end work today omg *cries tears of joy on the inside* and he hung around the store for a bit as well!!!! so i literally get to spend the whole day with him omg except i had to remain professional most of the time but ahHhhhh i love it!! just his presence alone makes my heart skip hehe (ꈍᴗꈍ)ε｀*) and then he tried on a couple pieces of clothing and fuckinG hell he i just can't deal w how good he looks in a plaid flannel man like doOoOdddd he looks foKin good so boyfriend look sia!!!!!!!! ok and then i was like i'm gonna buy this for u mi bb do u want it!!!! n he was like naaWww don't waste money i don't rly need it now but i was like????? fOK idc imma get it for u beb and he's like nooooo but he finally relented and was like ok fine fine hehe ok then fast forward ah to ending work time we had to tidy up everything then i asked him to help me put in the tags haahhaah and he rly did aiyo this boyo so qt i should pay him in kisses (alr did ;) heheeh) ok then he had to wait outside for me cus we officially close at 10 so he waited an hour for me omg fk i think his whole rs w me just consist of him mostly waiting for me sia hais but ok then U KNOW WHAT OR NOT WAH RLY DAMN SAD someone stole his recently bought clothing from the store wah damn dog istg if i catch that person i will ask him or her if she's rly that fokin poor to steal cb go work la!!!!!!! ok but then he said he dunno if he misplaced it then someone took it or smth but i was like???? even if u misplaced it that someone could have returned it to the lost and found area OR SMTH BUT NO THAT PERSON TOOK IT HOME WAH FK I WAS DAMN PANAS want to hurl abuse then i kinda took it out on the security guard lmaO sorry but idk la in the heat of the moment u know but money v precious now cannot anyhow throw. then after that we were walking to the bus stop n then han was like eh u suddenly so calm only and i was like ya i realized that nothing can be done even if i'm angry lol then he's like ya see this is why guys can handle things rationally unlike girls bc y'all let ur emotions take control of u (smth liddat ah idk) then i'm like????? ugh can't fight back bc it's true at least for me la. oh and the HAN PAID FOR THE TOPS ON HIS OWN ALSO OK like?? ok la one of it he wanted to buy for himself but the other one i meant to buy it for him omg like u know first pay gift (even tho its still about 6 more days till my first pay hahaha but since we're alr there then like advanced ah hehe) AND YA IDK LA JUST V ANGRY OK JUST NOW ok then we took the bus back and i asked him if i should get smth to eat then he's like "are u hungry?" and i was like nah just kinda wanna drink smth hahaahah and he was like lol?? bc i was alr holding onto a bottle of milk tea i bought before work. so we didn't get anything to eat or drink and then he sent me home!!!!!! oh and i also just started taking some fiber supplements today to help me with pooping regularly!!!!!! fuckin $70 for one box of 15 days fuck expensive but apparently to see any changes and rly have ur toxins in ur body rinse outta its intestines u gotta be on it for like 2-3 months at least wtf idk how long i must work to to pay for this expensive shit. and ya ofc i know i can just eat veggies but sorry fam ur girl isn't a fan of like 95% of veggies in the world ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ok gonna end this post abruptly bc im tired and this getting way tooooo long + it's alr 4:15am now hahahaahahha thank you bb!!!!! for waiting for me all the time and esp today bc u had to endure 4 hours of waiting for me to end work :') OH AND DID U KNOW!!! when he sent me home i was like sorry u had to wait for so long for me to end work :(((( then he's like "even if you don't have work i'll still wait for u" smth along that line la but hehe so cheesy so sweet this boy!!!! ok time to sleep goodnight!!!!!!! i love you ♥♥♥

#adaywithhan #augustwithhan #010817