#tldr im going to law school and im feeling normal about it

[andsalttheearthbehindyou]

hiiiiiiiiii

ok im gonna rant for a little bit below if anyones interested about what ive been doing and where ive been these past months

soooo ive never been the type of person to see my future very clearly. ive never had long term motivations, goals, or desires. i had never thought of myself as such a listless person because i had such strong aspirations in reference to school and academia but that was it. i graduated highschool in 2020 and went straight to college, still not knowing what i wanted to do, just knowing that i wanted to be the best at whatever i did. i defined myself by my accomplishments and the speed at which i achieved them. i graduated a few months ago with my bachelors (in 2 years!!!!) and this was something i was so proud of myself for, but i felt so much inner turmoil because of it. and thats because i felt like id done all these things and i thought i wouldve figured out what id want to do by that point, but i still hadnt figured it out. 

im 21 now (celebrated my bday in january :) u all better leave me belated wishes below) and i know that im still young, but i felt so frustrated with the life i had led until now, the wasted efforts and useless skills. i felt like i had so much to offer but nowhere to apply and nothing to show for it. id also struggled with things like doing what i love but not being financially successful versus doing something that i know will make me financially successful and being a happy person because of that. 

i wont lament too much on my passion for publishing, because ultimately it came down to the fact that i dont think its smart to invest in a profession that likely wont result in me being successful in the way that i want to be. what i will harp on here is how happy and proud i am of myself for being brave enough to embark on my law school journey!! im going to law school!!! im so happy!!!!!! i promise (literal nervous anxiety tears streaming down my cheeks rn)!! i know that it is so much money and so much work, but i know that this is what i need to do to feel accomplished in life, to see the fruits of my labor and know that everything ive done hasnt been for naught. i studied for my lsat for months and months (main reason i was m.i.a.) and finally took it a few days ago. im gonna have to start applying to schools soon sighhh but im actually really excited to start despite all the stress i know its gonna cause me lol. im also going to have a summer break (something i havent had since high school) !!!!!!! im going to be alone and let myself rest and be happy. im going to cook and clean and read and write and do things i love before hunkering down and being a little recluse nerd again in school (something i also love!!!! such a huge part of my personal identity and something i love about myself is my ties to school/academia and being a student) 

if youve read this far, thank you for your interest in my life!?! im not always right in the head and when i last abandoned this blog (and the other one) i know that i was definitely off my rocker but ive been taking steps to recovering my mental health in that regard too. i wont talk much about that but im doing better. being offline, setting boundaries and giving myself goals helped  a lot. im also properly medicated lol.

anyway much love & thx for tolerating me

#tldr im going to law school and im feeling normal about it

[filling-the-ginnungagap]

I posted on reddit today:

Hi. I'm B[22F]. And I just realized that... I might have Nparents.

I started realizing it only recently when I picked up "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" by Lindsay Gibson. I picked it up because I was in a rough patch again. Even rougher than usual actually. My behavioral problems are acting up. The pandemic is not helping.

But anyway, after finishing the book, my life finally made sense.

I'm an avid journal writer. I have a collection of notebooks that spanned my childhood. I was closed off, angry, irritable, depressed... and even attempted a few times.... I always felt bad because I didn't have any reason to be! Until recently, I thought I was okay? I had food, shelter and we could afford things. I look back at my childhood now and realize that it wasn't as happy as I thought it was.

I thought their behavior was normal you know? I thought it was normal to put everything aside and serve our parents. I thought it was normal to give up the things you love and "become an adult" for the sake of being successful. I even felt a twinge of narcissism when I was praised for being "so mature" and "so grown up" compared to my other siblings when all I was just doing was following their rules. They promised me so much that it was the only way to success and happiness.

They shamed my older brother and sister for being "so rebellious" and "troublesome". They drilled it into me that I was not to become like them. My dad always spared no words when it came to them. On car rides home, he'd talk weirdly, saying things like "our genes are superior" and that "your brother and sister aren't as smart as you" or "you're far more intellectual so uou need to do better". (It might be a good time to mention that my older siblings are my step-siblings. We don't share a dad. also, now I realize my ndad kinda reminds me of Ozai haha.)

I asked my dad about it once. Why he talked badly of my siblings. He'd deny everything and say he'd never say any of that. I should have noticed that huge red flag.

I used to believe him. It's like I turned into a miniature version of him at age 12. I thought about all the opportunities my siblings wasted and resented them. My brother went to lawschool for three days before packing it up and travelling around. I realize now that he did the right thing.

Eventually, I realized my ndad was being utterly stupid. Because unfortunately for him, he isolated me so much that I hated it so I started hanging out with my older brother and sister a lot. So all the brainwashing he did on me about my siblings flew out the window. And I realized eventually that they were awesome people who just... had a horrible stepdad.

I was to be a good girl. And so I was, because I didn't know any better. And I felt that it was the least I could do. They were giving me clothes and feeding me and giving me things. As long as I behaved. And so I did. I was capable, I read books and I didn't make much friends because I used to think I only got along with adults (turns out there was a twisted reason why I thought like that. If only they gave out medals for being most repressed lol.) My Ndad did it. He finally had full control of me. It's kind of sinister actually. He's hit me a few times in the past. But not right now. He controlled my schooling and decided where I should go. My dad would always call me "the perfect girl". It always made me gag when I heard that. I REALLY wish I had a time machine so I can tell my past self to... just have fun and be yourself.

Predictably, I developed anxiety&depression and attempted many times. My father found out one time and took me to see a psychiatrist friend of his. Who was the absolute worst person to talk to. I had a feeling he broke confidentiality and talked to my dad about everything. He brought me to a psychiatrist he could control and confide in (because my psych was also my dad's client at the law firm). I started treatment. It didnt work. In fact, I think it made my parents happier. Because they found out how fragile I was and that I really, really needed them. Nothing changed and now they still treat me like I'm five.

Now I see that my brother and sister were doing it right. They never acquiesced to my father's pressures. They were out there doing their own thing. They weren't cowards like me. They've got a strong sense of self and have their own lives. And they're still nice to my father.

Now comes the problem. I have realized that my Nparents may have... had a negative impact on me ONLY RECENTLY. I am at a loss. I REALLY thought I was okay. Turns out, having emotionally immature parents predisposed me to abandon my sense of self & mold myself into this... ROBOT with a manufactured personality to fit my parents' ideal so that I could finally gain even a SHRIVEL of their validation for existing.

I just realized why I'm so angry, depressed, guilty and unhappy all the time. I cried so much over this the other day. I feel a little lighter. But mostly I feel like everything I've been doing is fake and performative. I'm at a loss now. I know what my problem is. And I don't know how to fix it. I don't know who I am outside of this fake facade.

Now, I stay up at night mourning and grieving for a childhood that could have been spent discovering myself.

And now Im in gradschool. In a school I absolutely hate. I didnt know I could build a path of my own and now Im regretting everything. And I dont know what Im doing anymore. Im not studying Im not reading. I dont sleep. Ive lost a lot of weight. Ive started stress smoking. The ideations are stronger.

And I'm also worried because I'm 22 years old. A lot of recovery stories I read started at a later stage in life. Am I too early? Am I just too sensitive? Should I suck it ip like usual and wait this out? Or Should I do something about my Nparents? Or is it too late? How far in am I? Can I still get out? I don't even have a sense of self I can rely on. I don't know who I am beyond what my parents see in me. I can't even be completely myself around my friends. I am utterly lost.

I just... I feel so LOST and I dont know what to do. I'm having ideations again. I have no one to talk to (especially not my family). I feel so cornered. I want to ask for help but I don't know who I can ask it from. Writing it all out like in my old journals helps though. A little. Currently, Im trying to find more self help books about getting through this. Im trying to control my strong urge to get out of here.

It's a long post. I'm sorry. I get so wordy when I get into it. Anyway if you've reached this far, thank you for your patience and kindness. Thank you for listening. Sometimes, that's all I need. Someone to just be the listener for once.

TLDR; Just found out my parents might be Nparents after reading a book about emotionally immature parents and sifting thru my old journals. Now Im 22, worldviews completely shattered by realizations, in the middle of gradschool and completely lost. I dont know what to do. I dont know where to go from here.